There was an online dating thread that made me aware of the variations in how people disclose their trans status in dating situations, and I wanted to have a more substantial discussion of that in a separate thread. So when and how do you do it?

I'm post-op and I tend to disclose when I know I want to be in a relationship with someone regardless of whether or not I've had sex with them first. The past two times I've done it by letter, which lets them come to their own terms about it and I don't have to get emotional in front of them. I haven't had anyone reject me so far, though I've had a couple of people break up with me after dating a few months because they want to have kids.

So far, I've had exactly one date. There's another woman who has expressed interest in meeting, so that number might double soon. Here's how I've decided to work it:

* I don't want to tell them before they meet me. If they have some preconceived notion about what a transwoman looks like, perhaps from the non-passing transwomen they might have met, I don't want them to assume things about my physical presence.
* But I don't want to go too long without telling them. It is impossible to be forthright about my past without someone knowing that I spent most of it in a male gender role. Honesty and openness are critical for me in my relationships, so I don't want to start it out having to hide parts of myself.
*  What I'd like to do is to drop it casually into a sentence, so it doesn't sound like a big reveal. The message being that it's only one of a million facts about me and not a defining quality.

I can't claim this is an especially effective tack. The one date I had seemed like it was going well but she emailed me the next day and said she didn't want to see me anymore.

I can only speak hypothetically because I'm pre op. If I was seen as female I'd date and see how things went. If I wanted to try to have a real relationship I'd want him to know because the more I felt for him the more I'd want to be fair to him. I think he's got a right to know. I think the letter idea is good

I have no experience on this issue yet, maybe in a few years. However I can see this as being a very big pain point in dating. I mean I would only ever want a potential partner to see me as the woman I am. Yes, being transgender is a part of me and my history. I won't deny that. But why does it have to be such a huge issue? I mean how often do people jump into talking about all the baggage from their past when first dating? Unfortunately for us, society demands that we do. It can actually be even dangerous not to disclose.

If it were me, I think I would tell them early on and I wouldn't try and breeze over it. I'd tell them my fears and frustrations over the issue and how it often feels as if society is reducing me to a label. I'd also express that I am so much more than that and that I'm just looking for the special someone who has the courage to look past the label and really get to know the whole me. I need someone who will fall in love with and accept the person I am--with all of my perks, and all of my quirks. 

And hopefully, at some point I'll find someone who is willing to make that leap, who will say "That doesn't matter to me. I just see a gorgeous and amazing woman and I can't help but want to learn more about her." And then maybe we give each other a shot, maybe we hit it off fantastically, maybe not... but at least they would have been willing to get to know me for who I am. I fear though that this will be a rarity. I fear that most will tuck their tails and run at the first mention of 'transgender'. That may be the sad reality I face, but I will happily go through a hundred rejections to find the one person who isn't afraid to uncover the beautiful possibilities that lie in wait for those willing to know me fully. 

Quote from: Alaia on March 04, 2014, 07:15:31 PM
If it were me, I think I would tell them early on and I wouldn't try and breeze over it. I'd tell them my fears and frustrations over the issue and how it often feels as if society is reducing me to a label. I'd also express that I am so much more than that and that I'm just looking for the special someone who has the courage to look past the label and really get to know the whole me. I need someone who will fall in love with and accept the person I am--with all of my perks, and all of my quirks. 

I'm tempted to quote this to the bf over e-mail (he's struggling with the issue right now). You put it so well. Except he might do a search and find this forum so I won't.

I told my date when we first met. This is only my preference though. If he would have been against it he could have done it without losing face and I could have gone out without harboring a terrible secret and had more fun and relaxation. He identified as cis male hetero, but because of my honesty and openness he took me out anyway. It was a good night and we got to part as friends.

1. Not until the 3rd date. That way I can find out if he is worth it and if there are any potential signs of trouble I should be made aware.
2. In a large public crowded place, usually a restaurant, during the day.
3. Do your homework! Vet, research and fact-find. What are his/her: politic beliefs, religious leanings, feelings on gay/lesbian marriage, gay/lesbian adoption, trans-people in general, LGBT workplace anti-discrimination laws, abortion, children, blah, blah, blah. The important hot-button issues. Get them out of the way, so you can make the most informed decision possible. If they aren't a match, this way you can weed them out, without outting yourself to every potential partner you meet.

I'm scared of when that time comes for me. However, more and more men are comfortable enough with themselves that they're either OK with it, or they don't care and they care about the person within. While that number IS climbing, I feel like it's climbing slowly for the good reasons, and not for fetish reasons.

Hi smile_jma,

Quote from: smile_jma on March 05, 2014, 01:29:13 AM
I'm scared of when that time comes for me.

Defuse the scary bit (others will sense it and run) and build your confidence in yourself and the situation by thinking about the following.

Quote from: JennX on March 04, 2014, 11:08:47 PM
1. Not until the 3rd date. That way I can find out if he is worth it and if there are any potential signs of trouble I should be made aware.
2. In a large public crowded place, usually a restaurant, during the day.
3. Do your homework! Vet, research and fact-find. What are his/her: politic beliefs, religious leanings, feelings on gay/lesbian marriage, gay/lesbian adoption, trans-people in general, LGBT workplace anti-discrimination laws, abortion, children, blah, blah, blah. The important hot-button issues. Get them out of the way, so you can make the most informed decision possible. If they aren't a match, this way you can weed them out, without outting yourself to every potential partner you meet.

Makes a lot of sense.

Huggs
Catherine

I'm not there yet (pre-op and not full time) but this frightens me.  It's just so unfair that this needs to be as challenging as it often is for us.  I've never really had the chance to date in my life (always the wrong gender getting crushes) and it can get very lonely at times.  I actually thought about trying to date in the "gay" or "bi' community as an andro guy while I'm still in the process of transitioning, but that's sort of deceptive, especially since I will be full time soon enough.   Maybe some bi guys wouldn't mind my particular situation, but I'm betting most would prefer for me to already be full time, if at all. Eh... very frustrating.  However, companionship is something that almost all of us desire in life.

I haven't created a strategy for disclosure as of yet.  I'll probably follow something similar to what JennX recommends because that gives you the chance to introduce who you are before they make a conclusion from one aspect alone.  Then again, there are a lot of guys out there that like us and they can't all be bad. I don't know.  Something I'm still pondering. 

Good luck.  Remember, you are post op, so it's up to you when you want to disclose, if at all.  Do what you feel is best for each individual situation. 

Quote from: mandonlym on March 04, 2014, 09:39:41 PM
I'm tempted to quote this to the bf over e-mail (he's struggling with the issue right now). You put it so well. Except he might do a search and find this forum so I won't.

Well you're more than welcome to use those words if you want, I certainly won't be using them anytime soon. 

Quote from: Alaia on March 05, 2014, 12:11:07 PM
Well you're more than welcome to use those words if you want, I certainly won't be using them anytime soon. 

Maybe it's because you haven't been in the situation that you're able to approach it with more distance than me. I just end up feeling hurt and crying about it. He's taking it pretty hard, but also in a way that I haven't experienced before. He says that in his head there's this image of me and then when he found out there's another, separate image that emerged. What he wants is not to rush into putting those two images together, because it would just mean ignoring my history, which he doesn't think is healthy in the long run because it's going to come up at some point. He admitted to me the other day that he's less attracted to me now that he knows, and he needs time to find his attraction again. Of course that hurts me but I also understand.

In the meantime, my ex and I have been IM'ing because I never asked him how he grappled with it. Here's what he said:

"Surprise, some shock... then kind of "so what". Basically I did not see how that would necessarily affect you i.e. I could not, and did not really try, to link any of your personal qualities to the fact that you changed gender."

Really different approach. For him it's more like, "I know this fact about you but I can't associate it with who you are now so I'm just going to behave like before and ignore it." I don't know what approach works best in the long run, but I did find myself not telling him much about my transition, which I guess made our relationship less substantial than the current guy, who I've been much more open to. That said, there was something nice about being with a guy for four years who never saw me as anything other than a woman.

And now I think he might be trying to get back together with me. When I admitted I kinda missed cuddling with him, he told me that I'm welcome to come over and cuddle whenever I wanted. *sigh* I hope the current guy gets his act together soon so I don't get tempted. I think the new guy and I are much more compatible in the long run.

Quote from: mandonlym on March 05, 2014, 03:05:58 PM
Maybe it's because you haven't been in the situation that you're able to approach it with more distance than me. I just end up feeling hurt and crying about it. He's taking it pretty hard, but also in a way that I haven't experienced before. He says that in his head there's this image of me and then when he found out there's another, separate image that emerged. What he wants is not to rush into putting those two images together, because it would just mean ignoring my history, which he doesn't think is healthy in the long run because it's going to come up at some point. He admitted to me the other day that he's less attracted to me now that he knows, and he needs time to find his attraction again. Of course that hurts me but I also understand.

In the meantime, my ex and I have been IM'ing because I never asked him how he grappled with it. Here's what he said:

"Surprise, some shock... then kind of "so what". Basically I did not see how that would necessarily affect you i.e. I could not, and did not really try, to link any of your personal qualities to the fact that you changed gender."

Really different approach. For him it's more like, "I know this fact about you but I can't associate it with who you are now so I'm just going to behave like before and ignore it." I don't know what approach works best in the long run, but I did find myself not telling him much about my transition, which I guess made our relationship less substantial than the current guy, who I've been much more open to. That said, there was something nice about being with a guy for four years who never saw me as anything other than a woman.

And now I think he might be trying to get back together with me. When I admitted I kinda missed cuddling with him, he told me that I'm welcome to come over and cuddle whenever I wanted. *sigh* I hope the current guy gets his act together soon so I don't get tempted. I think the new guy and I are much more compatible in the long run.

Sorry you are going through this rough patch.  It seems like it's common for guys to go through this internal drama when they discover it.  I hope everything works out for the best.  Hang in there.