Quote from: JLT1 on March 05, 2014, 07:31:36 PM
Hi LTL,
This is hard. I wrote a response earlier for your other post and it got deleted. (
) I'll try again...
I understand your fears, both on a personal level and after seeing your pictures. Your fear is understandable but without warrant. You are just starting the HRT route, being only 5+ months into it. You need to allow HRT time to work. So, depending on the angle of the camera, the light and the facial expression, you seem to vary between beautiful girl and fem boy. In numbers, the beautiful girl thing wins. However, if we look at the worst of the pictures, yes, it is fem. That is what you are seeing and what you are doing....looking at the worse possible situation. The darkness of your eyes, nose and facial hair does not help. However, I'm not sure that any woman, when looked at in the worst possible conditions, without makeup, wouldn't have some fem boy in there. I will state again, HRT will take care of that. I have seen much worse come out very well after a year or so on HRT. You are just now getting to the face changing time.
Having typed that (which was hard), I will say what I said in my first (and lost) response: You need to work on your hair. I work with a girl who has a similar bone structure and facial features. She does her hair differently and it is amazing. Second, your eyes are to die for. They are like, fantastic. Your nose is a little large but within the range of female norm. Your lips are wonderful. In the final picture, which I think is your best, you are amazing. Yep, there are some FFS procedures that would make you more beautiful. But please note the "more" thing.
So...Full power forward. You are going to be somewhere between cute to beautiful.
Hugs,
Jen
Thanks Jen. By the way, I honestly don't know why your response got deleted because I don't block anyone and have always appreciated your input.
Yeah, see the fem boy thing is what I'm still seeing. It's just hard for me to know where I am when I still have view myself that way. We are our worst critics, but passing is very important to me. It's not so much a beauty thing (whatever, I've never really considered that I'd ever be that) and more of a blending thing. See if I can be accepted as female on a social level, I will feel more free to be myself. Less fear to embrace the life that I want and to simply live. Without that priveledge I feel like I'm stuck in a cage both emotionally and physically. Passing allows me to cast that off to some degree. And sadly, while everyone is telling me that I pass, I really do feel like I fall short of my female peers. There are aspects of my body that I can never be change and it'll never be perfect. It makes me fear being detected and being seen as an imposter of some sort. So I'm obsessing over passing and getting to the point where blending is as close as possible so that I won't have to fear judgement for being me. In order to be me, I feel like I need that approval and having the ability to pass is like a tacit one a best since I identify heavily as a girl. I do care about beauty though too. It's always been tough being trapped in a boys body and hating myself for it throughout my life. And when you compare yourself to other women, it hurts so bad. Still being cute or pretty isn't nearly as important to me as the blending aspect. It's being seen as female and having the privilege to be myself without fear of judgement that is very important which is why I hate seeing the fem boy in my face and certain aspects of my body. Sadly, I don't know if I can ever match other girls my age and wonder if I'll always stick out in some way.
The hair definetly needs some work. I've been searching for work (though I think I might have something), so I haven't changed up my hair yet. I'm considering doing bangs (wispy or side swept) and think that will help with the forehead and nose issue I have. It's just hard for me to pass as male if I do that because that goes out the window, and I need that to secure work. The eyes are just beyond help. I need concealer at all times. And while the nose job might not be
needed I will get that done for my own self confidence because it's a remaining symbol of my trans status.
Quote from: Jen on March 05, 2014, 08:44:26 PM
Hair makes such a big difference, it really does. I say a lot if I can hide my hair so it doesn't seem to be there I could pass as male anytime I want, and people always say I'm wrong but honestly it's true. My height, short hair, it doesn't matter what my face looks like. But with long hair, no matter how hard I tried, there is no way I can pass as male, I mean I could wear a suit I'm pretty sure and people would just be confused. Hair is a way bigger deal than people give it credit for. Well, at least for me. I'm sure there are some short people that would not be able to pull off male no matter what.
BTW you look really great with long hair. It really does make a big diff for you too, Carrie. You look totally fine without it, but with it there is no hint of anything but a pretty girl. That wig seems like a really good one, at least in that little tiny pic.
Also, I can identify with not wanting to go out full female with the fear that I would be seen 100% trans instead of 50/50 of either gender. That was probably my biggest hurdle that I had to overcome. The only way I could get past it was to learn how to embrace being trans, because I very much identify as woman, not trans. Meaning, trans is an adjective for me not noun, if that makes sense? But still, even if it is an adjective, trans is still part of my truth, and my continuing existence in spite of dealing with being born that way is something I am truly actually proud of, and if people realize the truth about me, it's just that-- the truth, and it's okay. That is sort of the inner-dialog I have a lot. It does help. And I also do that thing where I let go of my anxieties and imagine them floating away that I talked about before. Those things help me.
Yeah, see I have no doubt that I'd pass as female, but I want to blend in with ciswomen rather than be seen as a transgirl. That's why I'm obsessing over any little flaw or perceived male trait because it puts me at risk of being detected. It just makes me feel bad. Like I feel uncomfortable about other people knowing or seeing me as a fraud when this is really who I am. The societal privilege to be myself is almost riding on the tacit approval that passing can provide. Seeing anything that could distinguish me from other women makes me feel like this will be in danger. Overall, I realize this is a very unhealthy way of living. At some point I will need some sense of internal trans pride and self confidence, which is being worked on very much at this point, but it still isn't up to par. All in all, I realize there is no such thing as passing 100 percent and that people will know, so I really am trying to get over this social hurdle. Knowing that my passing potential is high makes it a little more bearable for me.
