Quote from: Anatta on March 06, 2014, 10:26:51 PM
Kia Ora L,
Meditation in a scientific sense is just exploring how ones mind works and how one is continually creating ones reality...
By tuning into and allowing 'awareness' to become the non reactive observer of ones thoughts, feelings, sensations, emotions,(fear just being thought+sensation=emotion) one learns how to go with the flow of whatever emotions arise in a detached way-as the observer and not the participant...
I've heard many therapists nowadays use "mindfulness" as a tool to help their clients overcome anxiety...
MCBT http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mindfulness-based_cognitive_therapy
I wish you well...And hope you find what it is you're looking for....
Metta Anatta 
I'll look more into it, but I'm really not well versed in meditation in general.
Quote from: Miranda Catherine on March 06, 2014, 10:45:00 PM
LTL,
Why do you think we, as women, wear makeup? I do admit I see a woman now every time I look in the mirror, even without makeup, but I can't always say it was that way every single day for the first year. There were plenty of days I thought I looked like the old me, quite a few even in makeup. I don't think it was true, though, in retrospect, and someday you won't probably won't either. I saw your photos and you do NOT look male to me at all. It's just the male creep in us trying to hang on and keep ruining our lives. I do things, though, to simply feel more feminine. For one, I wear makeup even if I don't leave the house, and always wear some jewelry, at the very least, earrings. I also wear a dress every day, too. I'm a girlie girl, I guess, but I'll tell you without a doubt, it helps to make me feel more feminine. Maybe you should try one of those things if you don't do them now. I wore pants for the first 56 years of my life, so I'm going to wear a dress the next 56! After that, I may wear pants again, but I'm not quite there yet, lol!
See, I sort of percieve things in a different way. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy typical things that are seen as girly, but I don't really need them to feel feminine. No matter what I wear or look, I feel the same way. Sure, I wouldn't feel comfortable trying to go out and pass the way I look in my photos, but the feelings never change regardless of what I accessorize with. I may enjoy how it looks and it may make me feel more comfortable with how others are viewing me, but the core feelings remain.
In terms of seeing these things for myself, it does help when I wear makeup and put on the right clothes. I do feel like I sort of pass in my own eyes when I do these things, but my mind always catches my flaws and the tell tale male signs. Regardless what covers it up or what others don't see, I still see it. For me, it's important that I can one day wake up and look in the mirror and say that's me and I like it. Without the need to add things, just look at what's there at it's core and say that's a female no doubt. Right now, it's not there. And even when I put on a female presentation, these core things remain in my mind and fight with the visual female element that I detect. What if other's see these things? what if I really can't pass because of them? That's why I put up boymode pictures because I wanted to see what others saw when they looked at my everyday appearance as of now. What they see when I'm not at my best. After all, no woman turns into a man when she is wearing layaround clothes or without makeup. Yet, for us, it seems like we need to always accesorize in order to see ourselves and have others see it as well. I know it's a tad weird that I think so deeply about this, but I can't help it. It's the way I feel.
Perhaps I'm over thinking it. I really am glad to have had such an overwhelming response to my pictures in boymode that it makes me feel much more confident about going out and actually trying to present. I'm just a little afraid my flaws and tell tale signs will out me. It's probably a fear that will disappear with time and experience though.
Quote from: Joanna Dark on March 06, 2014, 11:05:24 PM
I understand what you mean, and I guess it's hard for me to understand cause I get miss'd or whispered at "that's a girl" when I have to present in male-ish for business reasons. And the stares in the men's room are nearly unbearable. And yeah I guess I'm lucky but the thing is presentation is really important. If you dress like a boy, people are going to see that. You should at least dress more andro and I don't mean male andro. I mean wear women's clothes like a pair of Classic Fit Lee's (NO BOOTCUT) and a a more open top. Heck, even a woman's plaid blouse would work. That way you have plausible deniablity if it comes to that but you'd still be dressed kinda womanly. I mean fidning out male fail is tough. The only way I found out was cause I was stopped by the police and they wouldn't believe I was male. I went full time, as much as I can at the moment, after that. Try a little foundation and some blush and a teeny touch of mascara just to bring out your eyes. A little concealer around any other problem areas could work too. And last, try some lip butter.
I was at a trans support group today and all the trans women are going to this makeup class but they arent giving out free makeup so, no point for me. But I realize not every trans girl has been playing with makeup since they were six-seven. The thing is, in that last pic, you do look femme and pass. But yo need makeup. I don;t care what trans women say on this board almost every woman wears some type of makeup, even if it's just bar mineral's foundation and blush. In fact, in a study, somthing like 75 percent of women said they won't leave the house without it. If it's not for you, that's okay. But ya gotta try. I know it's scary but a life without risk isn't much of a life. Take some. Build on it. You'll be amazed at what you can do if ya just give yourself a chance. I was petrified. But nothing happened. I use the women's room all the time and stand among tons of women. Nothing. No looks. No nothing. Heck I went to an uemployment appeal in all male clothes and in the letter they sent me saying the outcome I was only referred to as she. So it's possible but I prolly still wore makeup, cause I always do. Prolly just foundation and blush tho.
You have to get over this fear. And I wouldnt recommend another therapist. That money could be better spent on makeup jk lol ok im not. But really, what will another therapist be able to do. Maybe get a short term script for benzos for the first couple outings. Just to take the edge off at first. I don't normally advocate that but I thinkit will help more than another $100/hr therapist.
Oh, I do wear and enjoy makeup, but I'm very cautious about wearing it outside. Sometimes I'll wear a little concealer or something outside, but it's minimal at best. To be honest, I look very different with the right amount of makeup, but I fear somehow people will detect my male tell tale signs even with that. It bothers me.
I suppose it's time for me to stop being chicken and just walk the walk at this point. I'm just paralyzed by this fear and uncertain how to reduce it so that I can take the next step. See most people here are strong and have more inner strength than I have. I'm a total coward and always have been. Getting to the point where I can overcome this is really important but its really hard for me. I just don't know how to get myself to defeat this social anxiety and fear. I want to do everything that I can to get comfortable beforehand.
Quote from: Jen on March 07, 2014, 12:46:03 AM
Also it's good to start working on your style. No reason to wait, even if you don't feel ready to go out publicly yet. It takes a while to really figure out how you want to put outfits togeth, and how you feel most comfortable, and look the best. At least for me it did
I've been doing that. Sadly most of the clothes that I've acquired in the past don't really fit me well anymore as my body and weight has changed, so I've been starting from scratch. I have a good idea about what I like and what I don't, but it's hard to tell what will work on me until I try it on. Because I only do online shopping, it's sort of a guessing game and learning through failure sort of experience. And because I'm broke right now, there is only so much of this that I can afford. Although, I got a call on Tuesday about some temp work from my former employer, so my fingers are crossed. I've been looking for employment and applying like crazy while hoping for a positive resolution to my former employers second appeal to overcome a higher freeze blocking me from filling a position. Once I have more pocket money, I'll be more free to experiment at a larger volume than what I can currently do. I'm thinking that aside from my confidence issues, finances and working on my voice are my real big toughies. The other stuff is likely more in my head, can be fixed or improved upon and minimal if handled in the right way. Money is the biggest challenge of all.
