I remember the exact day I discovered I was trans like it was yesterday. I had an appointment with the bank to take out a loan (biggest mistake of my life lol). That morning as I was getting ready, I got my mum to straighten my hair. I loved it, she did it properly. I checked myself out in the mirror afterwards in my room and those thoughts surfaced once more. Why can't I look like 'this' and be looked at and recognised as male. Why? There has to be a way for me to live how I want to live. A way people to see me as me, how I feel I am. I want to adorn my eyeliner, wear varnish on my nails, wear feminine clothes and still be recognised as a guy! 'oh well!' I thought. It's all just a petty dream. I pulled on my goth boots, threw on my long black Tripp coat and went to the bank.

That thought plagued me for the rest of the day. Being out in town and having people see me, greet me... They're all seeing a girl. Completely opposite to what I feel on the inside. When I got home, I'd had enough of those thoughts. But this time, I had the power of the internet at my fingertips. Let's Google this! Google always has the answer! And Google lead me here, to Susan's. All the answers pointed to -sex change- a thought that had crossed my mind at least  twice before. Is it even possible? How long will it take? How much will it cost? Will I lose everyone I love? And it was the second I discovered, that very day, how much it is possible and there was no going back now. I could now not live my life knowing I really should be a boy.

That was a sunny October day in 2006. Yes it has been possible. And no, I have not lost a single friend or family member.

I am posting this now because I have reached my final stage. I am on the list for lower surgery. Because I knew how long it would take to even get to this stage, and knowing how impatient I am, I have desensitized myself, so to speak. I knew this day would come, but to help myself deal with the wait I accepted it. I think I desensitized myself that much I accepted the fact I'd be waiting for this forever. But now it's finally here, it's opened up a whole bag of emotions I've not allowed myself to feel before. And it's not an easy thing to describe. I am starting to envision myself with a willy. It's the most happiest thought in the world! I feel like I'm on the road to completion. These words here are nothing compared to how it makes me feel inside.

I have made peace with myself. For the first time, on the day the surgeon told me I'm on the list, I looked at an old man, and I thought to myself; "I can't wait to grow old". I've spent so long trying to cling to my youth, never having the little boy childhood I feel I should have had! Growing old before felt scary. And now? Now I can grow old feeling comfortable with 'me'

The one thing I can count on you guys to understand is what it feels like to be complete.

Theres no particular reason for this post, other than to express myself. I don't have anyone really to discuss the trans part of my life with. As much as I'd rather discard that part and live as close to normal as I can, I can't run away from something I am. And it's important to be able to discuss a very important part of my life with people who are available to listen, and more importantly, understand.

Thank you for reading

Thanks for sharing, and congrats on getting on the bottom surgery list! That's gotta be exciting

Congrats! 

It is crazy to think back and realize the road you've traveled. 

I'm currently on the road to that final step myself (not that it has to be everyone's final step, but yea..).  I'm excited for the relief of knowing that its all finalized and set to happen, and that feeling of completeness you describe.  I got a taste of it earlier in the week when my parents agreed that lower surgery is something that must be sorted out (though there is a LOT to figure out).  Even just that step felt amazing.  Even though it may be years yet before it get sorted out I know that someday I won't be so uncomfortable every day.

Always nice to hear a positive story!

Congratulations!!

I have to say, I enjoyed reading how you set up the post from the start to the end. Again, congratulations! Thank you for sharing a part of your story

congratulations

That's awesome! It must feel great to look back and realize that you've almost completed something that at one point, you were never sure you could do. I'm really happy for you.

Thanks for all the replies!

My whole life I've felt like a mismatched puzzle where someone's squeezed the pieces together to make them fit even though the picture doesn't look right! And it's that feeling you get when you've finished a puzzle yourself and you look at the end picture and it looks exactly how it should on the box and it makes You feel accomplished! That's the best way to describe it I think! Which leads us to the well known saying of 'if you want something doing right, do it yourself!' meaning the womb did an awful job at putting us together :/ leaving us to take ourselves apart and put it back together again!  lol

When explained like that, it sounds so simple, doesn't it? I mean, why should we be ashamed of something that went wrong during creation? One day, we won't have to keep secrets from society.

I've totally gone completely off topic there! Lol oops!

aw man....reading this put a lump in my throat. I feel exactly the same way, I consider my transition finished now that I've had top surgery. Even that day of the surgery I still don't think I was letting myself believe it was actually happening....but it has and it's amazing. I'm finally comfortable and able to live my life. It is a pretty simple notion, but fighting so hard for it really does make you appreciate it more I think.

Quote from: jonjon on March 07, 2014, 01:33:17 PM


I have made peace with myself. For the first time, on the day the surgeon told me I'm on the list, I looked at an old man, and I thought to myself; "I can't wait to grow old". I've spent so long trying to cling to my youth, never having the little boy childhood I feel I should have had! Growing old before felt scary. And now? Now I can grow old feeling comfortable with 'me'

Congrats on the bottom surgery list. AND careful what you wish for (growing old). LOL

--Jay

That's so inspiring to me who struggles with similar questions you asked yourself. Wow. I hope your surgery goes ahmazingly.