Sometimes (more than often lately), I feel very isolated among the trans community here.  Don't get me wrong, I love Susans and plenty of the people here are great. However, I feel like I can't connect with a lot of people here because they are in their transition and I'm not and won't be for a few years.  This makes me feel even more alone and useless because I can't offer any advice related to transitioning. It's like there's an invisible barrier between me and transitioners here. Please note that I am only referring to myself and not other non-transitioners.  This is the only place where I can somewhat be myself at.  There are no LBGT groups in my area, and I can't talk to my family about my trans issues.

Are there any other non-transitioners here that feel this way here?  If so, how do you cope while trying to break the feeling of lonliness among transitioners?

For this thread, "non-transitioning" means a transgender person that is taking no steps to transition into the gender the are identifying as, socially and medically.  In order words, a person living as their sex at birth.

Quote from: AG on March 04, 2014, 10:55:13 PM
And I've never once thought of you as anything other than the manly man you are in your mind, Malachite.

Same here my little Cyborg Commando! Love you Malachite!!!

Well, I'm transitioned now. But there was a gap between my coming out and my being able to 'do anything' about it. For a couple years, I was too ill to medically transition. And I was here. Sometimes it was difficult seeing everyone's T and top surgery posts and not knowing when I would ever able to have mine. I was very sick for awhile and I just didn't know... it was depressing.

To be honest though, I don't think you're missing much. T isn't all it's cracked up to be. I mean, the way people talk about it, I was expecting to turn into Superman and that didn't happen. Okay, I'm hairy now and have a slightly deeper voice (to my relief, I'm just not a Barry White type of guy), and it's easier to build muscle if I work out. But that's about it really. I don't feel any different, other than I can't cry (which I'm not overly thrilled about). So, yeah you're not missing much on that front.

Not that it's much comfort, but I don't really feel un-isolated now after transition. Most here are transitioning and I'm long done. And I don't think I feel like most here do.

Hi Malachite:

I feel the same way sometimes, especially since at the moment I think I'll never actively take steps to transition. I think you can still offer advice to those transitioning on the board, a lot of people (new members mainly) ask a lot of the same questions so over time you get knowledgeable about a lot things, even things you haven't experienced first hand.

QuoteIf so, how do you cope while trying to break the feeling of lonliness among transitioners?

I am kind of a lone wolf at times so I rarely feel lonely, but I'd suggest just continuing to make friends that accept you, ignore the "->-bleeped-<-r than thou" folks, and keep positive about your situation. You'll be able to transition one day, and the more you stick around gathering the pertinent information and getting the connections you need, you'll be more prepared than if you haven't.

I feel that we are all transitioning in someway, or another.    Everyday we find out more and more who we are as individuals, at least I do.    I discover what I can do today, and what I don't.   I am constantly in a befuddled state about how others see me.   Sometimes my gender identity is questioned and some times it seems not to be, or people just don't care.    I know at 67 having reached Social Security age that I at least have some income and some medical coverage,  so that I will have a place to live, and medical coverage that at least covers what ails individuals my age,  diabetes 2,  high blood pressure, and some others.   All of my health problems are under control and my Medicare insurance is paid for.   My main problem is that my teeth are falling apart because of poor dental coverage.

Point being that unless someone accosts me physically,  I can pretty much get by,  because I was able to work for about forty years as a pretend male.   I don't have the means to take hormones or get surgery because my insurance says it doesn't cover gender reassignment.   So my transitioning is mainly living publically and privately as my female self everyday.    I hope that over time that since people never see even slightly presenting as a male that I will in time gain acceptance as a woman.    Some people see me as a woman, and some see me as a male in drag.    Some see me as an elderly eccentric,  and for some reason which I don't understand at all except for the fact these people are just plain ignorant,  they ask me what Native American tribe I belong to, as if Native Americans dress like an over the hill white woman.   

Everyday I explore my femaleness.    I have been told by some women that I walk just like my cis female partner,  while the other day while taking an exercise walk around my neighborhood I was verbally accosted at a distance by some dudes yelling, asking if I was a boy or a girl,  one said I walked like a man,  he asked me if I wanted to ->-bleeped-<-.   I walked on like many other women would, holding my head up, and ignoring them.   I was existing state left.

What can I conclude.   When I dress in woman's pants and blouses,  no one says anything.   Is it because when I wear pants even if they are pink my female dress covers my masculine characteristics and when I wear a dress my male physical characteristics are more visible.   Or is it that when I wear a dress males are sizing me up as a sexual partner and when I dress like I do in my picture, I become more invisible.   I don't know.   What I do know is that males scope out women as sex objects and sometimes harass them, so being a woman, I have to accept this treatment, and ignore it.

I never have had much control over my voice, and while it is not low and deep it is rarely mistaken for a female's voice.  I try to speak softer, and everyday try and sound more female.    I have problems with tendonitis and rigid muscles which ache more as I walk I can try and move more like a woman,  but its hard.   But, I make the changes, I can.

Our transition is what we make it.   Some times the changes are so small  we don't see them, but others who have not seen us in a long extended time, notice a tremendous change.

Just letting yourself be yourself brings some changes.   At least I try and convince myself that they do.   I also chose to transition while living with others and even with my ten year old son, because I believed for myself that my changes would be more real and not imaginary as they would have been if I had transitioned in isolation.     I have quite an imagination.    I have to be my own kind of woman because,  for myself I spent to much of my life trying to be a male, and I was failing at it.   
I will never look like Marlyn Monroe even an elderly Marlyn,  and if I try for me it would be a fail.  If I find the right balance, then my whole appearance, and demeanor, will be accepted as a woman, at least by casual acquaintances and those who know me really well and accept that I am a woman, no matter how much they know about me.

Just do what you can, and don't under estimate yourself,  for no matter what we do, we are always transitioning form who we are, to whom we will be.

Malachite, I've been reading your posts for the entire two years I've been here. When I do, your transition status never occurs to me. You're wise and experienced and an intelligent soul, and I learn what I can from your posts.

Wisdom about living as a transgender person comes from a lot of places. Transitioning is only one of them.

Dear Malachite,

Just because you're not doing anything towards changing your gender, doesn't mean you're not transitioning. Transition happens on many levels apart from the physical. Even running the the total you've saved is evidence you are transitioning.

You certainly have the wisdom to share, and I encourage you to engage as you have a lot to share. Keep ing your head space in the transitioning arena will ensure you'll be aware of any opportunities that pass by that you can take up. 

Keep up the astonishing work you've done here to date. You are a much needed and loved person here..

Huggs
Catherine

Sweetie, something I've learned pretty thoroughly in my time here is that just because you don't share someone's experience... doesn't mean you don't share their feelings, or can't empathise with how someone feels about something. You don't need to have walked a mile in someone's ill fitting shoes to know the pain from the blisters of walking in your own.

Feelings are transferrable between situations. Associations with different things. And that you may not be able to offer the sort of technical expertise to someone going through something very specific... doesn't mean you can't be there for them, to pinpoint situations in your own life where you felt the same, and offer advice on how to deal with those feelings. I'm sure there have been times you've felt scared, alone, unhappy... and conversely exhilarated, overwhelmed, or euphorically happy. The 'why' is one thing, but the feelings themselves are important. Look at how many people here ask for help with dealing with the way they feel about themselves, and dealing with how to understand and accept their feelings.

You can do that.

But you know, it doesn't even have to be advice. You would be surprised how making someone smile can brighten up their whole day. Being there for someone to vent to, for them to get it out and feel just that little bit better for doing so... that has an effect.

Sweetie, rather than what you can't offer advice on, think about what you can offer advice on. Rather than looking at the differences between yourself and others based on a process they're going through... look at all the similarities you share with others as a human being, a sentient entity in this world. I think you might find it's more than you think it is. Really, that's all we are, you know. Confused, scared, sometimes happy human beings all trying to coexist on a tiny little ball of rock in a big, big universe. We have more commonalities than we have differences. Sometimes all it takes is a shift in perspective to see that. To see that behind every journey, there is a traveller. And getting to know them can very often lead to you realising you're more alike than you first thought.

*huggles*

Hi Malachite I often feel the same way...  There is a certain disconnect and ultimately I would say a slight sidelining (whether this is real or perceived is up for debate); e.g. not receiving the same amount of replies or responses to posts you make than someone transitioning/ transitioned.  Of course, I can't add much to the conversations about transition from a personal perspective, all I can add is my own research on the subject which anyone can find.  This leaves talking about, at least for me, my dysphoria.  Obviously, especially for the girls/ guys that have transitioned, I imagine them asking in their mind 'Sooooo, why don't you transition?' This, I feel, is a source of disconnect.   

One thing I have learned about Susans, is its constant evolution of its membership.  Since you have been around for a while you have probably witnessed it, some users, usually transitioning, kind of dominate the forums and ultimately overtime leave/ stop posting as much.  This natural internet turnover has lead me to witness some interesting, inspiring, disheartening, and even epic transitions over the past few years.  In this sense, I have been able to cope with the disconnect.  I have watched their journeys and learned from what to do/ not to do in one's gender struggles.  In this sense, Susan's has gradually become more of a source of knowledge rather than a pure support site for me.  That is how I cope

Hope that helps!

Allison

Quote from: Malachite on March 04, 2014, 10:40:02 PM
For this thread, "non-transitioning" means a transgender person that is taking no steps to transition into the gender the are identifying as, socially and medically.  In order words, a person living as their sex at birth.

Hi Malachite,
You can add me to that category. Not planning HRT or SRS.

In fact, I identify as CD much of the time. However, I did detect a schism in the community - CD's are seen as the tourists, or worse, as pervs, regardless of their personal motivation. I feel wonderful and genuine as a woman, but for a variety of reasons I am not considering SRS / HRT, or going 100% as a woman. I'm still learning to experience this side of me, without the additional stress of shifting my entire life.

So does that make me a fraud? I don't think so. I came out to meet the trans community not to ogle, but to meet open minded individuals I could call friends, people with whom I could be the other me. Even if that means I still retain my male life.

/Offtopic: LearnedHand, I love your avatar. It's fascinating; the kind of image I'd like to draw.

thanks Jesse, that's Russell Means. Here's my crappy painting:https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,136685.msg1098437.html#msg1098437

IT isn't just those who don't/can't transition that get isolated!

I can't even talk about my past without causing an uproar and being accused of being "->-bleeped-<-r than thou", which leaves me feeling quite isolated from "the transgender community". I wish it weren't so but that's just the way it is.

"No one is an island". Even the lone wolves like myself and LearnedHand like to interact with others and find comfort in other's perspectives and experiences and likewise share our own perspectives and experiences sometimes.

I'm definitely happy this area of the forum exists now because I truly believe it was badly needed. While it might not be as well traversed as some of the other forums, the people that do find their way over here I think are the ones that don't fit the standard mold for whatever reason.

You're just in the middle of the road right now but will eventually continue down the path of transition. Some of us haven't decided yet, or feel that's not the right path, or have even already gone down the path, but here we all are with all of our unique experiences and perspectives to share.

@Ag though your original post is gone,  I remember enough of it.  Thank you.

@ Awww, thank you, Jessica.   I love you too!

@FA I suppose it's subjective then. I'd personally would still like to be "on the other side" one day so I won't feel down all the time.  I'll get there eventually though.

@LearnedHand You're right.  I want to be as prepared as I can for when I do transition one day and seeing a lot of other people's experiences helps me out greatly.  A lot of new members do come and ask the same questions so I could try to contribute more in those.

@michelle You have an amazing story and I agree.  Even though I am not transitioning medically or socially right now, I do feel like I'm in transition mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.  If I cannot be pegged as a man, then at I at least want people to sense "masculine" vibe coming from me. 

@suzifrommd  Thank you.  I'v never really thought of my posts as such because I have self-esteem issues, but I suppose your right.  I do feel like I have grown more into the man I want to be these past two years, in part because of this site and seeing the wisdom others have to offer.

@Catherine Sarah Thank you.  As I told michelle, I do believe I'm transitioning on some level.  The total I've saved so far for my top surgery, though small, helps me realize that I'll be able to start my transition one day as it gives me hope and motivation.

@Sephirah That is great advice!  I'd like to think that I do have something to offer, even if that is just lending an ear for someone to vent. Though the situation may be different, I do experience a lot of feelings that other people here experience and just know that I'm not alone or that they aren't alone in this helps.

@forallittook I'm glad someone else understands how I feel and I definately think that the sidelining is real as I have experienced it a couple of times, especially while making threads.  It can be disheartening at times.  Yes I've witnessed people come here, start their transitions, share their struggles, and leave when they feel like they don't need this site.  I've seen people come here questioning their gender, leave when they feel like they aren't really trans (and in some cases attack other trans members telling them how transition is wrong), and come back months later questioning their gender again.  I've seen people be in major ruts like my self and climb out of them to start their transition. I feel so old now, lol, but I'd definately seen other people's struggles here, and aside from all of that, I have to say that Susans is THE place to get a vast amount of knowledge and support and there's no other place on the web like.  Being a part of this site can be life changing, if one allows it to.  Honestly, I don't know what I'd do without this site.  There may be a time where I won't need it anymore, but that will probably be in the far....FAR future, perhaps even in my 30s.   

@Northern Jane Thank you for sharing your experience.  I'm sorry that you have to go through that.  I'm know that there are some women and men that feel somewhat isolated during or after their transition.  I only speak of non-transitioners in this thread because that is my current situation as I don't have any experience of feeling isolated while medically or socially transitioning, or even detransitioning.

@JesseG Though I'm not a CD, I can dfinatelly see how w can go through similar struggles, and this is a good place whre you can b your other you at.

@insideontheoutside  I agree that this section was badly needed.  The non-op sction was alright (only because it was the closest thing to this forum), but I feel that this particular section is a bit more inclusive.  You're right though.    This place wouldn't be as interesting if we all had the same experiences and perspectives.  Hopefully, it won't be TOO long that I stay in the middle of the road concerning my transition.

Thank you all for your replies.

Quote from: Malachite on March 04, 2014, 10:40:02 PM
Sometimes (more than often lately), I feel very isolated among the trans community here.  Don't get me wrong, I love Susans and plenty of the people here are great. However, I feel like I can't connect with a lot of people here because they are in their transition and I'm not and won't be for a few years.  This makes me feel even more alone and useless because I can't offer any advice related to transitioning. It's like there's an invisible barrier between me and transitioners here. Please note that I am only referring to myself and not other non-transitioners.  This is the only place where I can somewhat be myself at.  There are no LBGT groups in my area, and I can't talk to my family about my trans issues.

Are there any other non-transitioners here that feel this way here?  If so, how do you cope while trying to break the feeling of lonliness among transitioners?

For this thread, "non-transitioning" means a transgender person that is taking no steps to transition into the gender the are identifying as, socially and medically.  In order words, a person living as their sex at birth.

Still there at the moment. At times it feels like one is stuck in no mans land so to speak. One of the things that does not help me,is to see all those that can move forward and yet I can do nothing at the moment. So often the less one has in common with someone else the more likely one will feel more isolated and alone. I know for me one of the bad habits I have is to step back from time to time but that only compounds the problem,because then I end up feeling even more isolated and alone. The question then that needs to be answered is HOW does one break that cycle?

Malachite,

I can empathize with your situation, as I myself am not transitioning, even though I'm on supposedly low dose HRT (dosages and admin just changed, we'll see what happens to me).  I'm still here two years on, even though I don't really need support (I've made my peace with myself for now), but more as an additional voice.  There is a degree of binary existance here, even though the site welcomes the whole spectrum, but that's unintentional - most of the people who frequent the board will always be the ones considering or are in the active phase of transition.

The other thing personally that keeps me feeling isolated is that there is much information that I prefer to keep to myself, rather than leaving it as open slather on the internets.  I guess that makes many feel that I'm aloof and concerned only with the medical nut and bolts of transition, but to me, that's the one area that I can be of relevant assistance to people here.

Malachite,

I know exactly how you feel. Great advice and support provided by others here. To echo what others have said, your unique perspective is a great contribution to the message board, and I enjoy reading your posts. Here is how I cope with the isolation that I feel at times.

1. I recognize my timeline is different from others. I have been able to manage for most of my life until recently when my dysphoria put me in a bad place. I waited nearly a year for low dose HRT because I needed to gradually bring my wife into acceptance. Transition, if it occurs, will come many years later when children are older. Contributors on the non-transitioning board have provided me with a unique perspective in that each person has their own timelines and it is okay to not rush into a transition (or transition at all). Having this perspective really helps.

2. Prior to joining Susan's, I thought transitioning was the end. Reading the message boards have taught me that the challenges I experience now do not end after transition. Transitioners have a unique set of challenges. At times when I feel down about not fully transitioning, I realize that, if I were going through that process, I would still have hardship. This helps me to be patient knowing that, if I do transition, I will be better equipped to face these new challenges.

3. I take healthy breaks from the message boards when things get to be too much for me. There are times when I need to stop reading about successes/challenges of others and focus on my needs. That said, members here are great, and I always look forward to getting back to the message boards after a break. I especially love the non-transitioning board because of the core contributors. Also, great topics, such as this, do not get buried by the more repetitive topics on other boards.

i have troubles with not being able to transition socially. it's bound to fail no matter how hard i try, as i'm intending to stay in this tiny little community where everybody quite literally knows everybody (or at least their parents, siblings, or other close relatives). everybody knows me as a "woman", and this will never change.

what i do to cope is pretty much that i decided to live as much as "me" as possible. i won't follow social norms just to fit in, but instead do what is more natural to me. i get some funny looks now and then, but it's not too bad to be seen as some tomboy weirdo who actually knows what they're doing or talking about. the ability to astonish people with vast (though mostly useless) knowledge luckily isn't gender specific at all, neither is education.

i do plan to try physical transition, by hrt. i'm not too sure if i can get it through legal means, and i don't think i'll try the black market for this. this still won't help much with social transition, so i'll probably have to make up some really funny excuse if i try and it actually works wonders for me.

coping here at susan's is easier. at least i don't have to hide those few personality traits and behavioral tendencies that don't fit with the image of a "woman" at all. of course it's disheartening when i read stories of people who manage to make the step and fully transition, who find that great life after transition etc. but at the same time, i'm in a position where i can tell people that it's ok to be uncertain, to take things slowly, over-think, think not only twice but often twice that before making a decision, and other things that those who always knew what was right for them often don't understand too well.

but maybe this is a little easier for me, since if i really wanted to, i could just make the perfect cliche ftm story and transition. only problem with this is that i'm not likely to get to decide the travelling speed myself if they find my story convincing enough, so i'm hesitating a lot. it would also be expected of me that i transition socially, and that's just something which will probably never happen. i feel like it would defeat the whole cause if i'll have to go through that much trouble just to be me.

I myself transitioning but I feel that isolation sometime because my narrative and motivation of transition is sometime considered taboo by some people in trans community.

Malachite,

I think I can commiserate. I had not planned on transitioning, until fairly recently. I was just living my genderqueer life. I think I knew about this forum, but avoided it and similar places because I felt left out and envious. I don't think this is intentional.
I think I did want to transition but was too afraid.

I haven't started medically transitioning yet. I'm having some logistical trouble getting my medical care established after moving to a new city.

I don't think only people in transition have valid thoughts. I'm very interested in the thoughts of those who are not transitioning for whatever reason. Especially those living in the gray areas of gender.