I know i'm not going to get a lot of support because people think i whine too much and repeat myself but i need to let my feelings out somewhere, at least to feel like someone is listening even if no one is and to feel a little alive and cared for.

I'm probably going to regret this tommorow, i had a big fight with my mother, our financial stress has been boiling until today that we took our anger out at each other. My eye's still hurt from crying, i'm also bitter because especially since the last week i've been looking in the mirror and i see a monster, i see the face of a male looking back at me and it kills me, it kills me like a knife slowly twisting in my heart.

I'm so tired, it sucks so hard to come this far and to still see a guy in the mirror looking back at me, what doesn't make sense is i don't always feel this way. It's like a pendelum sometimes i feel i look female and decent looking, other times i feel like the ugliest thing in creation...it doesn't make sense and i don't know which is fictionalized by me and which is the real me....i hate my life so much, i would consider myself afraid of death but as each day goes by, that fear lessens.

whatever....

Honey just try to calm down.

You are a very brave girl and have, and do, deal with a lot. You don't whine, you post because you are in pain, that is very obvious. What I did and still do is just keep reminding myself that one day stuff will get better. We are normal nice beautiful women and we deserve to be treated as that.

Yes I know the image in the mirror can be triggering and we see ourselves differently to how others see us. You are a very attractive young woman and you do blossom and grow. I have watched you do that over the years.

So hold on, listen to some music and post away to your friends here.
You have many many people here who love you and care about you.

Never forget that.

Hugs young sister

Cindy

hugs, feeling like all the exact same things right now..... Just listening to music and trying not to get too triggered :/

There is no guy in the mirror.  He is a shadow, a memory, a figment of your imagination.

Now, regarding financial stresses, have you considered some sort of job, that would get you out of the apartment?

I just wanted to say that you're beautiful, Donna. I think that many of us have days when we're feeling very down on ourselves and look in the mirror and only see flaws, but you do not look like a monster. You look like a beautiful woman. That's the real you.

*hugs*

Please don't give up, Donna.

Hey  , I want to give you a hug for comforting . I am really sorry that you have this harsh period in your life . You really are cared for , I know I care about you and even that we didn't talk directly , I appreciate you , your posts , your opinions .

It is sad that the financial situation makes us fighting and saying things that we regret later . Please try and relax , many solutions appear when our minds are clear and peaceful .
About seeing a 'guy' in the mirror , it happens to me sometimes too when I am really depressed , sad or hopeless . It drive me crazy , I panic , I feel the same like you do , not knowing what happens to me , but then I calm down in a way or another and the 'girl' comes back .   
I don't want to talk about suicide/death , as I am kinda suicidal for many years , all I want to say is : don't let you go this way , thinking about it , you are very beautiful , young , smart . Sometime life is very hard but then great days come around . It is the right thing to do exposing your feelings here every time you feel overwhelmed .

Quote from: Jamie D on March 09, 2014, 01:44:17 AM
a figment of your imagination.

^^^ this.

Our brains don't actually see what others see. It retains an old image of a person that is long gone, and that is what you are seeing Donna. It is a cruel trick that our brains pull on us. I tend to see the same thing when I look in the mirror, but people tell me otherwise.

Cindy is right, you are being triggered by the image in the mirror and your current financial situation. Slow down, calm down, center yourself, and try to calmly figure this situation out.

Is there any possibility of finding some temporary work to bring in extra money? Can you sell some stuff that you no longer use?

It's just i feel so ugly, i hate myself...people tell me different but i don't see it and living in San Francisco i've never been called "Sir" or "Mr." but my brain logic tells me "It's SF they're just PC", i'm so tired i just want to look at the mirror and see the pretty girl eveyone tells me i am...i have so much anxiety and pain.

Yes, you really are pretty. I do not tell people otherwise just to make them feel better. I see this all the time: Beautiful girls who can't see their own beauty even though everyone around them does. You just need a little confidence in yourself. Everything will be okay, sweetie, I promise. *warm hug*

Stress tends to make things worse. It will be ok.
I get the body image thing. I have it too. I hope there will come a time when every time you look in the mirror, you'll see the person we see. Until then, hang in there.

Well, temporary insanity is a lot better than permanent insanity. But seriously Donna, in your pictures you look 100% female and have a beautiful face. If I passed you on the street there is no way I would think you are nothing but a woman. Don't be so hard on yourself. Old memories of who we were will remain because they are often times painful memories. But who we were isn't who we are now so try concentrate and focus on Donna in the present and future and not the past.

if your avatar picture is you then your a knock out