So I'm just laying in bed crying.  I'm in so much pain emotionally.  I just don't care anymore, I just want to end it all.  I hate my body, I hate my mind, I hate my face.  What's the point of this life if it's either going to be people laughing at me or hating me or living a fake life to make people happy and leave me alone?  I can't get my life together to get a decent job because I'm depressed.  I can't fix my depression because of my anxiety issues stopping me from being able to talk to a doctor or therapist.  I also just don't have the motivation to try to make my life better because I'm afraid of failure and rejection.  Nobody is here to help me and it's my own fault because I can't talk to people.  I don't have friends.  My family doesn't have any clue that anything is wrong with me because I'm embarrassed and scared to let them know I'm so weak and such a failure.  I just don't care to live right now.  I guess I'm lucky there's nothing within reach to easily kill myself.

I am here if you want to PM anytime.  You are eventually going to have to open up to someone and I would gladly help however I can. Maybe if you could learn to trust someone here (even if not me) that would allow you to start building a sense of esteem and worth that could carry over into the real world. You do have value and can rise from this situation stronger in the end. I really believe this.

I have no problem talking to people online.  I guess it just doesn't help me.  I think I need to just give up.  What's the point in trying so hard if it's not even going to be worth it in the end.

Quote from: Caysee Danielle on March 09, 2014, 08:44:54 PM
I have no problem talking to people online.  I guess it just doesn't help me.  I think I need to just give up.  What's the point in trying so hard if it's not even going to be worth it in the end.

How do you know it won't?

Because I'll always be ugly.

Quote from: Caysee Danielle on March 09, 2014, 08:44:54 PM
  What's the point in trying so hard if it's not even going to be worth it in the end.

It is so worth it Caysee! I am living a life now I could never have imagined. After coming out, going to Therapy and starting HRT I am a whole new person with a freedom I have never felt. I see things from a new perspective every day now. Colors are brighter and more vivid, music makes me move and get emotional, foods taste different and new and I feel alive, not just robotic and depressed all the time. The end is SO worth it. If I had ended my life I would have never known the happiness I could have had. It is amazing to be reborn as the right person! I know I will probably never get you to see this, but it is true. Please trust those of us further down the road to transition. It can and will do wonders for you. I cant even remember the last few years of my life because I was a depressed, robotic and emotionless Borg. Now I remember every detail of every day. I never watched a sunrise or sunset before, now they almost bring me to tears.

My mum told me few years ago that I shouldn't transition as I would be an ugly woman, the first thought that entered my head was "it's never stopped you being happy" but the words that came out of my mouth were "i'd rather spend the rest of my life as an ugly woman than end my life as a man"

Maybe you just need a change of perspective?

If you need to talk then pm me

Quote from: Jayne on March 09, 2014, 09:46:01 PM
"i'd rather spend the rest of my life as an ugly woman than end my life as a man"

Why?

I feel where your going coming from. Pretty much exactly the same as you. I wish I could tell you something to make you feel better but I barely do that for myself. Just don't give up. I'll be your friend, at least we can each have one.

Quote from: Jayne on March 09, 2014, 09:46:01 PM
"i'd rather spend the rest of my life as an ugly woman than end my life as a man"

I have used this quote recently myself, as I am tired of asking out of this male body. I stopped praying for it once I accepted why I was and began to work on connecting to my feelings as well as attempting to lose weight and work towards becoming physically congruent with what my spirit and mind seem to have always expected.

Don't get me wrong, as I like many people love pretty things, thus would like to be pretty myself. However, physically pretty is just one of the many forms of pretty that make us up. Even though I have even pulled off pretty as a male, it always just made me feel slightly better as I knew that I was not right and being told I was pretty just reminded me of that so I had not fully appreciated the compliment. Thus the reason I feel the willingness to adhere to that quote. That and that I am transitioning for me, and not for the world to judge how pretty or ugly I am. Though I will take their compliments if I am able. 

We all really need to ask ourselves if we can accept this approach, as it is a good litmus test about if transition is right for us. As again, not everyone chooses to transition and this is just one of those situations where I can see waiting if not just taking time to work on yourself, mind most importantly. I would start with asking yourself, "is this pain and depression worth living with due to my anxiety of bringing this to a therapist?" I already know the answer is that no it is not worth it, and you will soon be talking to a therapist.

As a matter of fact, you can start with the therapist simply by stating you have depression and soon after you will be able to share the source. Because you know the source I would say you may want to choose a therapist who has gender issue experience, but it is not a must at this stage. However, do get into see one as it is extremely helpful even to those not suffering as much as you are sweetie.

Now go love yourself just a little by being brave (remember the bravest are those who overcome their fear, not those foolish enough to not have fear) and overcoming your fear. Wait on the family thing if it is that distressing, as you really should be better prepared before coming out to them anyways.

By the way, your honesty here with this post, is a sign of bravery you probably did not realize you had already. So you're able to, even if you start off with a therapist about the depression.

Quote from: Caysee Danielle on March 09, 2014, 08:52:50 PM
Because I'll always be ugly.

Aww sweetie, first of all you're not ugly. And I don't know how long you've been on HRT, but it just takes time. Don't get discouraged.

Caysee,

I just wanted to let you know that I am always here to talk if you need someone.  I may not have the answers or have any words of wisdom, but I'm always willing to lend an ear and often have the same concerns myself.  Please hang in there. 

Quote from: FA on March 10, 2014, 07:37:03 AM
Aww sweetie, first of all you're not ugly. And I don't know how long you've been on HRT, but it just takes time. Don't get discouraged.

Not on HRT.

Quote from: Caysee Danielle on March 10, 2014, 09:43:07 AM

Quote from: FA on March 10, 2014, 07:37:03 AM
Aww sweetie, first of all you're not ugly. And I don't know how long you've been on HRT, but it just takes time. Don't get discouraged.

Not on HRT.

Oh, well what's going on hon? I'm not sure how you identify, but is this feeling ugly thing about passing issues?

Yeah.  And it's stuff that HRT isn't going to fix.

Your life has value. I promise you. It may not feel like that now, but you are a beautiful, unique person who makes the world a better place.

If you need to end your life, the option will always be there. But that's such a final and preemptive solution, isn't it? It keeps you from ever trying anything else.

Before you go that way, would you consider trying one of these:

* Send a message to your closest relative, the one who cares the most about you. Say "I'm feeling suicidal and I don't know what to do. I've been too embarrassed to get help. Please help me. I need help but I don't know how to get it." You don't know whether they will know how to help you, but if you don't reach out, they certainly won't, right?
* Look up a therapist or counselor. Of course you want the best, but when you're hurting, you can't always get information of that sort. So call SOMEONE. Tell them "I am feeling suicidal. I need an appointment." Let them take it from there.
* As a last resort, go to an emergency room. Tell them you are suicidal and you need help right away.

I won't lie. None of these things are guaranteed to help. But they are ALL better than remaining in pain or depriving the world of your specialness. The option to check out will always be there. But your life is more than worth making an effort to get yourself help.

If I could ask for help I wouldn't feel so suicidal.  Kind of ironic, huh?

Quote from: Caysee Danielle on March 10, 2014, 09:51:51 AM
it's stuff that HRT isn't going to fix.

<----Really? If I showed you a before picture you would swear it was not me.

Quote from: Caysee Danielle on March 09, 2014, 08:52:50 PM
Because I'll always be ugly.

You are not ugly.  Try being twice your age and twice your weight, like I am.  That's ugly.

Get off your ass, make the call, and set up a therapy appointment.  I don't know if Canada has "urgent care," but mention you are suicidal.

Do it now.  You have had some terrific trauma in the last year or two.  Don't make it worse.

Quote from: Jamie D on March 10, 2014, 10:06:26 AM
You are not ugly.  Try being twice your age and twice your weight, like I am.  That's ugly.

Get off your ass, make the call, and set up a therapy appointment.  I don't know if Canada has "urgent care," but mention you are suicidal.

Do it now.  You have had some terrific trauma in the last year or two.  Don't make it worse.

This!  My therapist will MAKE time to see someone who needs help as much as you.  And this is from someone even older and heavier than Jaime D claims to be.

Make the call!