If you own your decisions in life, the pace you set and the direction you take there should not be regrets only acceptance and celebration.  This way your decision to transition now or later is owned by you.  It is your story.  It is your narrative and you have authored it.  Only you can say whether the cadence and direction set earlier in your journey was deliberately wrong or casually negligent but I suggest that this is rarely the case.   Don't fall into the trap of the classic revisionist, hind sight is always 20/20, you made a call, own and accept it.  When you are ready to transition, ie that it is now right for you, walk boldly on and honor your decision and yourself.

Safe travels

Aisla

When I was at home I didn't want to upset my family and it seemed something I could deal with.  After that I was in such a struggle to survive financially, it didn't seem an option.  At 35  I tried it on the cheap and had a reaction to taking dutasteride so that my health became the issue and it seemed a bad idea to take any drugs with my liver issues making me feel sick. So now I have a better grasp on my finances and my health.  Important lessons to be learned for sure. 

I can't say that I really regret how things went down.  I don't know what I would be like now if I transitioned early.  For me there are two transitions.  One, male to female, the other older to younger.  Having missed out on some experiences, I want them back.  Instead of just accepting the loss, I am using my radical methods to see if I can do some reverse aging.   I am not sure I would have come to this place if things unfolded in a different order.

Oh my gosh how this thread really hits home with me. I wanted so much to transition years ago, but like so many of us I had family and career issues to deal with even following my imancipation at 15 just to get away from my adopted father. I have also suffered major depressions even in the last 5 years since I've been living full time brought on when I think about so many years lost to misery when I could have been happy during those years had I transitioned years ago. I've always known I was/am female. I know other girls going through the same thing know what I'm about to say so I won't repeat other posts/replies I've made on the subject.

Now that I'm finally transitioning the one thing I do have going for me is my lifelong feminine features and bone structure. Still though, had I transitioned much earlier I wouldn't have lost the best years of my life to misery and despair that twice was so bad it nearly took my life. Now that I am transitioning, I won't stop for anything or anyone, and have never been happier.
Ally

Indeed 44 years of regret right here.
I wish I would have known and been a stronger person earlier on.
Thinking about all the time I wasted pretending makes me sad sometimes.

Interesting thread that really made me think about things.

Regrets are toxic emotions that can suffocate you if you let them.  Playing that "what if" game never ends well either.  I try not to go there.

I knew something was up with me when I was 4 years old, and by the time I was 14 I was literally losing sleep over this whole "girl thing".  I tried to stuff it down as deep as I could and filled my life full of things that would distract me, which actually isn't that hard when you have ADD.  Until I was 43 years old, I could cope with the dysphoria and even completely put it out of my mind for long periods of time.  I never told a soul about what was bothering me.  I straight up did NOT want to be a transsexual, and having seen plenty over the years on the daytime talk shows really reinforced this.  I mean, let's face it, I could never turn off a program with transfolk on it.  It was like that proverbial trainwreck I couldn't ever look away from.  On some level I knew damned well I was one of them.  What I saw more often than not were these miserable, damaged and broken people who were rejected by their SOs, families, jobs and sometimes landlords.  Some were forced into sex work.  For every one that looked pretty, handsome or just passable, there seemed to be five who weren't so fortunate.   I thought my best bet was get by without a transition, keep my life the way it was and just die young.  Prolonged misery wasn't going to be in the cards, and I became pretty reckless with my lifestyle choices to hasten my expiration date.  I now realize that I had no freaking clue how profoundly miserable I was for that many years, and knowing what I know now about relief makes me sorry I suffered needlessly for decades. 

So yes, WHAT IF I transitioned when I was 14 or 18 or 30?  My life would have been entirely different and I don't know where that would have put me today.  I wouldn't have my wife, my friends, my house, very different life experiences, and perhaps a completely different set of hardships.  Who's to say?   The path I ended up taking led me to where I am now.  And you know what?  It's pretty awesome.  I have my wife, my friends, my house, my health, memories of epic concerts, a musical instrument collection, and best of all, I can afford to transition now.  I don't have job issues, family issues or money issues now.  My transition at 43 turned out to be one of the easiest and most seamless transitions I have ever heard of.  I'm still amazed by the ease of it and in fact, I suffer from a bit of survivor's guilt when I read about how much suffering goes on here.

Would I regret it if I hadn't taken the hormones when I finally hit bottom?  Probably.

Do I regret not doing it before T had a chance to poison me in the first place?  Hell no.

This thread really resonates with me. I am someone who tries to live my life in a way so as not to accumulate regret... Yet it happens as I am a master of second guessing myself and, if only sub-consciously playing the "what if?" game...

However, when I become conscious of these thoughts flooding in, I just try to remember that whatever happened in the past is dead and gone and can't ever be again. I treasure the positive memories and experiences... I keep them in a little box in my heart and maybe delve into it when feeling a little reflective...

But I try not to dwell on it and I try not to mull over/beat myself up for stupid things I've done, situations that went bad or paths left untravelled... No good can ever come of it. I know because I blew too much time being a sooky regretmonger in my younger days...

All I got out of it was wasted days, a lot of unnecessary sadness + stress and just ONE positive... the lesson learned that I'm rambling about right now. That the only need we have to remember the bad things is for the lessons learned from them so as to not make the same error again.

In terms of transition + regret... On one level, yes, I wish that I'd taken it on at an earlier age, rather than stumbling towards it now as I am...

But on the other hand, I can't change what has been AND in all honesty, I don't believe I was psychologically prepared for it... I hadn't truly accepted myself yet... I was still trying to lie my way out of it, even though I KNEW my truth all along. But I know now, in this moment and looking forward that I NEED to march forward with my truth in mind and the courage in my heart to fulfill my destiny and become who I am after SO many years of being little more than an image cultivated for survival.

Should I not do this now, THAT will be something to regret.

I just found this thread and wanted to add my $0.02.

I can related to what the OP was saying about not delaying your transition. Here's my experience: I'm 23 now. I was 17 when I decided I wanted to transition. My mom going on about how I would need to be a millionaire, be financially stable, this-that-the-other and the high cost of transition and religion at one point as well as the lack of my female repro organs were all the things that were deterring me. And quite frankly, if people don't mind me ranting, I've let those things deter me long enough! 

On top of that, I keep begrudging myself for not transitioning during my early childhood. 

Quote from: birkin on January 02, 2014, 06:25:17 PMI want people to realize that while transition has costs, so does NOT transitioning.

VERY... VERY nicely said! I could not have said that better myself. If I could say that better, I'd also add that sometimes with some people the cost of NOT transitioning could be 10 times bigger than the cost of transitioning. You've just got to keep telling yourself the money you spent on all those surgeries and all those clothes are worth it in the end.

Need I add, that I've seen other MtF trans people talk on YouTube about how so very easy it is to get hormones and to start their transition. The acquiring hormones part is easy anyway. All that aside, I have dreams which I have beyond EVERY intention on accomplishing and things that I want to do, be, and experience... as female.

I used to go out full-time in my pre-transition phase and was already getting gendered as a girl, which made me super happy already. Sure, I got clocked a few times and didn't like it but in those moments I told myself about how much I'll pass AFTER I transition! It was just that I'm at that point in my life where it's either, I spend the hundreds/thousands of dollars it costs to transition or I spend only HALF the cost of transition on a gun so I can blow my brains out, and I really don't want to do that. I want to live my life, my dreams!



None of my post is to say transitioning is a decision that should be taken lightly. It should not. Just to not let the cost, religion, family/friends, or your financial situation or all that jazz stop you if this is something you really want.

I was 14 when I figured out what was going on.  However being in a fundamental church, I tried to forget and became ashamed.
I ended up waiting 19 years!  I think at first it was fear, but later just being scared to come out of the safety of the box I was in.

Waiting was the biggest regret for me.  I should have just come out, and might have had a better 19 years!

One thing that is really profound to me is that when I watch transition timelines, the photos of people after transition show a much happier person.  This has had a big impact on me in helping to decide to transition or not.

As to whether I have regrets, well yes to some degree, but there are a lot of life lessons that are learned by life's challenges, and I would not want to forgo some of those that I have learned in order to have had a better time.

I know that feeling. I could have started hormones at fourteen if I had the courage too, but I waited until I was nineteen. It is a shame really because both my parents are ultra supportive of me and treat me like a princess. I still beat myself up over it because I could have looked cis if I would have started when I found out I was trans or at the very least not have to endure facial hair removal because that stuff hurts.

Quote from: HoneyBunny on April 09, 2014, 01:37:51 PM
I know that feeling. I could have started hormones at fourteen if I had the courage too, but I waited until I was nineteen. It is a shame really because both my parents are ultra supportive of me and treat me like a princess. I still beat myself up over it because I could have looked cis if I would have started when I found out I was trans or at the very least not have to endure facial hair removal because that stuff hurts.

I wouldn't worry  hon, at 19 your still young and you look very pretty.

I would have probly loved if I went to get help when I knew about it. There are 2 points which this could have happend.

My first was when I learned I that I saw myself as a girl at age 13. That said if I did decide to get help, I would have had a huge problem at school (it was very homophobic, trans would have been seen as the same thing and thus I would probly need to switched schools).
The second point where I could have started was when I was 20. Though because I was so unsecure about myself I delayed it untill about 1,5 years later when I was sure. Due to ->-bleeped-<-ed up waiting lists for starting the diagnosis in the Netherlands (for adults) I waited about 11,5 months to get an appointment (there are only 3 places where you can go to ge diagnosed here). If I had gone when I was 20 I would have been done way sooner as the long waiting list is something new that started 2-3 years ago.

That said, I would have probly missed some friends that I made in the last years if started earlier. So it's kind of a mixed feeling.

Agreed 100% on everything you've said! I'm only 22 and I already feel like I started the medical aspect of my transition too late, even though I didnt have much of a choice in the matter.

Regarding the states in the US where insurance covers transgender care. I currently live in Florida and my insurance so far has been covering my transgender care. Right now it's covering my hrt and Endo appointments along with the bloodwork every 3 months my Endo orders, and as long as I have the proper letters from my Endo and therapist it will be covering my VFS/Trachea shave (they're both done at the same time down here) and eventually my SRS/GRS after a reasonable length of time on hrt. VFS and GRS are considered medically necessary and I have a wonderful Godsend of an Endo who'll stand up for me and his other transgender patients. However my insurance won't cover what it considers purely cosmetic proceedures such as FFS and Face/Necklifts for us older girls. Though Florida's not on the list of states mentioned earlier in this thread, I believe Florida is attempting to follow California's model and will soon join Vermont, Colorado, California, Oregon, Washington, and the District of Columbia(Washington DC.), also Connecticut if they have recently joined.

And should something not go right I'll gladly sell my home and move back to my home state of California in order to have the surgeries I need.

Ally

Quote from: birkin on January 02, 2014, 06:25:17 PM
TL;DR if you know you are trans and that transition is right for you, and you delay or for anyone or anything else, you'll probably be sorry later. I wish I had sacked up and not given a crap what others think.

Okay, I'm probably the oddball here.

I put everything for myself on hold when my girlfriend became pregnant the first time. At that point, I didn't even realize I was trans, just that I was very uncomfortable in my own being. We got married, had a second child nearly 3 years later, and remained married for a total of 23 years (1988 - 2011).

I regret absolutely nothing regarding my decision to marry and have a family. I love my 2 adult kids, and they're 2 of the fiercest allies I have.

It's now 2014, I'm 44 years old and I've presented myself with a choice. I cannot afford to transition surgically, so I was going to get a medical loan. But after all the growth I experienced in 2013, including the conclusion of my legal transition, I came to realize that I probably couldn't get both the student loans for grad school (seminary) and the medical loan to transition.

I chose seminary.

It is quite possible that I'm now non-op instead of pre-op. And I'm okay with that.

Quote from: ThePhoenix on January 16, 2014, 10:29:52 AM
Vermont, Colorado, California, Oregon, Washington, and also the District of Columbia if I remember correctly.

The California law does not govern the so-called "self insured" policies offered by employers. I know: this is the situation I've run into. My employer self-insures and is permitted to exclude covering transgender services.

I deeply regret not finding help sooner, especially since being closeted was heavy on my physical and mental health when I was in high school. I'm sure in retrospect it was for the best for safety issues, but it lingers on the back of my mind quite a bit.

I think that everyone is different.  I know when i was in high school I didn't know what was wrong I just new something was.  Therapy was pretty much unheard of at that time.  It was there but it was almost shameful to need it.  So like a good son I sucked it up and just carried on.  I never explored my problems.  I surrounded my life with "normalcy". Got married three kids the house, career and so on.  Now things have exploded and I am able to understand it.  Thanks to my own self exploration of the internet.  I think that people that are younger don't really understand that there was no easily accessible information in the 70s and 80s.  The world book encyclopedia in my high school was 20 years old and we had 10 computers total in the school.  All of that being said I am just starting and don't really know what will happen next.  I know what I want but that doesn't make it happen.  As for regrets I have a lot of them but those include not picking the winning lottery numbers, going through a stop sign when their was an officer watching and a multitude of other things.  I also have things that I would never want to lose.  My three wonderful kids, 20 years with a woman I truly loved and all the memories those provide me.  I think that transition will or won't happen entirely dependent on each individual person.  I also think that if you have huge regrets about not starting earlier you are probably correct for you.  If you start later and look at all the positive things that have happened to you then you are able to see that although starting earlier may have made your actual transition quicker or wither hasp better physical results you would have missed out on some amazing experiences and your life now would be very different.  It is an individual decision and everyone will always have a different perspective with no hard and fast right or wrong answer.

I have a bit of regret with not transitioning sooner but in the same token, I still feel guilty for doing it now. For the past 5 years my family hasn't been the most financially stable. I'm still trying to balance the costs of new clothes, my T, my therapist appointments on our low budget and I'm looking at the lower end of costs. If money wasn't such a huge factor in this world I'd probably would of transitioned sooner when I first had the information to do so.

Not only did financial costs weight in on my delaying but my marriage did too. I was so deathly afraid of my husband up and leaving me I didn't want to say anything. But go figure, our marriage was headed to divorce if I hadn't transitioned either. If I had known that I was ruining our marriage and my kids lives with me being so heavily depressed and unhappy, I would of found some way to at least live in my preferred role. But alas, hindsight is 20/20.

I'm glad you posted this. It IS helpful. If I would of seen this years ago, who knows where I would be today. I'd like to think super happy and thriving.

I'm 25 and am pre-everything, but working on getting started. Regret about not starting sooner has been hitting my hard the last couple of days. I knew when I was in my teens, but I was too afraid, and then went into denial. I could have gotten help then, but I didn't, and I don't have a good explanation for why.

Im still in the closet, but I regret not coming out at 13 when I 100% knew I was transsexual. And Im still a quite young guy. I could have not gone through most of the female puberty and been a year on t already. And for mostly free too. I constantly beat myself up about it, and every day I that passes that I am such a weak coward.