I'm down in a different section where I'm training at the moment, and one of the instructor is a trans woman there who was open on the open day we had back in the summer about having transitioned on the job whilst there.  I've never spoken to her before, and I'll be back down the other end of the site in two weeks time, until next October.  I've been considering whether it would be inappropriate to try to have a quiet word with her, introduce myself, and ask how the company took it, who is best to speak to, and some questions I've got about security passes/clearance that I can't find out elsewhere due to the nature of the work.

I don't know how to bring it up as I'm still closeted there and she's never met me, but I don't know if it's a bad idea in general.  I'm not sure who to talk to in the company though, and I'm running out of time to find some of this stuff as I'm hoping it's only 2-3 months until my first appointment at the Gender Identity Clinic, and I'd quite like to get my name changed by then.  I don't even know who I should be talking to in regards to all this.

Would it be rude to talk to her?  She was open about it at the open day, and I'll say so, so I shouldn't seem to be coming across as singling her out through lack of passing, but I'm worried about it being rude in some other way.  I've never knowingly met another trans person in real life either, so it's bringing up a load of emotions for me (not trans enough/weak for not coming out/worried about her being jealous of me knowing and progressing so young/scared other people will notice with her putting it more of the front of their minds/nervous every time someone mentions her in case they're transphobic...).

Any thoughts?

I don't think it would be inappropriate. I talked to a trans woman on campus really early in. My professor told me about her and said that she could connect me with her...well, it turned out to be the situation you're kind of worried about. The trans woman no longer wanted to be out because she was done her transition, my prof just happened to know her before and assumed it was OK.

So she said to me "I normally don't deal with transgender stuff anymore, as I consider my transition finished and am happy just to live as a woman, but I don't mind helping someone who is just starting out. Just please don't tell anyone else unless you think they need my help personally." So even in the worst case scenario, people will likely be understanding if you are trans yourself and need guidance.

The fact that she was open on the first day says a lot though. I highly doubt she'd be offended if you came up to her. If she didn't want to be singled out, she wouldn't out herself. I'd just say "I remember you from this day, and I was wondering if I could talk to you. I'm starting my process and could really use someone who has been through it..."

No I don't it would be inappropriate. It's just great that you have found someone that you know have been in the same situation as you and have experienced a lot of things you haven't yet. I say go for it!

I agree with what the others said and want to wish you good luck.

If you approached me like this I would not be offended or find it inappropriate at all. I would love the chance to connect to others like me, get to know them and share experiences.

I don't think it should be a problem with her being done with it as a few instructors have brought her up in conversation, and she said herself that she was trans to everyone on the course.

How would you go about bringing it up? I don't see her that often, and if I do I'd have to be careful not to let anyone over hear as I never see her anywhere remotely private, mostly just walking past the smoking shelter. I'm terrified that someone's going to see us talking and piece it together too, but that's just getting the coming out over and done with I guess.

Would you think that, "I know you don't know me, but I was wondering if I could have a quick word in private, and you could help me out with some things?" would be suitable? I look like a harmless 14 year old so I'm hoping that her mind wouldn't jump to thinking I'll try to harass her, but I won't want to say exactly why in the open.

I'm over thinking things I know.

Quote from: lxndr on March 05, 2014, 04:50:40 PM
I'm over thinking things I know.

This exactly! I would do it just like you mentioned.

Quote from: lxndr on March 05, 2014, 04:50:40 PM
Would you think that, "I know you don't know me, but I was wondering if I could have a quick word in private, and you could help me out with some things?" would be suitable?

Yes, that sounds perfectly fine.

Id say just be polite and make an introduction. Ask her if she would be ok with talking to you about it. The worst she could say is no I don't want to talk about it.

I don't see a problem here. I think we are all offering essentially the same advice. Be polite. Introduce yourself. Then, you might say something like, "Can I ask you something in confidence? I'm still in the closet, but I understand you have insight into this and I would really appreciate some informed advice."

I guess that's substantially what you proposed anyway, isn't it. I like birkin's suggestion too. The system administrator in me (no, not that way you perv!) wants to sum up:

• be polite
• identify yourself
• define the reason for your approach
• ask the question
• smile nervously
• hope for the best

Trust is a big deal now days, sounds like she would be open to a talk based on her own forthcoming approach.
If you are not ready for others to know who you are then be cautious, you need to protect yourself from be pushed along to quickly.
She could talk about it with others you work with or not. Know if you are confident enough to handle any adversity.
Think of worse case situations and if you can handle it then you will be ok.
That being said any person that has transitioned should by their own experience understand how you are feeling and the anxiety that comes with it.
Consider a basic friendship with her and build some trust.

As she's an instructor in another part of my course, and I'm only here for another week I don't really have chance to build up a friendship or even a good working relationship with her as she's not taking our class.

I trust that she wouldn't say anything as I would expect her to understand that I wouldn't want everyone to know, or if she did tell people it's only likely to be my current manager, which just saves me the job of coming out. I highly doubt any situation where she would tell other apprentices, so the only way they'd find out would be if they over heard.

Let us know how it goes.

No, it would not be rude.  In this case, you want to be mindful of your approach.  If you are certain that she is trans and that she is out, then you could take her aside (out of hearing distance by others), and politely ask her.  If you have trouble wording things, and I doubt you do but if you do, you might run your words by someone else first.  If you're not sure that she's out or that she identifies as trans, you could start a conversation with her on the topic and see if she offers that information up.

I said that I'd let you know how it went, so here goes.

I was overthinking things and panicking about it, especially talking to her without other people, and in the end my friend who's spoken to her a couple of times before (she's one of those people who can just start talking to anyone) grabbed her and asked if she'd mind talking to me.  We met at the end of the day and went into a little room.  I skirted around the subject vaguely for a bit, trying to work out what to say and whether she'd just guess, but in the end just said.  She was completely okay with talking about it and has offered to help in any way that she can, whether I'm down here in the training centre or not, and even offered to be there when I tell my managers if I need any support from someone who's been through it themselves.

It really eased my mind about how the company will take it, and was good to hear the experiences of someone else in real life.

Basically I just worked myself up -- I was literally pacing and trying to leg it while waiting for her -- over nothing, and I'm so glad I did it.  Thanks for all the advice guys and girls.

That's awesome! I'm glad it went well.

yes, congrats

If I love anything about the trans community its that we really seem to almost always be willing to help another queer person.  Its just such a thing to go through... I can't imagine someone being able to turn their backs one someone else they know is where they were only mere years before. 

I'm glad to hear it went well!

Wow lx, that's great! Thanks for following up, it definitely made my day

Glad to hear that everything worked out for you!