Quote from: FilaFord on March 14, 2014, 11:44:31 PM
The problem is that I do care... too much. Way too much, in fact!
Pretty much every trans person here cares about themselves, tremendously, enough that he or she decided to do something about it, society be damned.
Quote from: FilaFord on March 14, 2014, 11:44:31 PM
I don't want to get "clocked".
If you ever decide to resume your transition, you will. Regardless of any amount of surgery you might have. That's not an indictment on you, though. If you stand in place long enough, someone in society will clock you. Either they will pick you apart with their minds, try and scare you off with their words, clock you with their vehicles because you're standing in the middle of the highway. That goes for anyone on this planet, natal or not. There is not one single trans person on this planet who isn't aware of his or her lot in life, where he or she fits in with society, and who isn't worried about that 'secret' getting out.
Quote from: FilaFord on March 14, 2014, 11:44:31 PM
I don't want to be seen as anything but a human being.
Oh, you will be seen as a human being, you may just not be liked. Last I checked, we still haven't found any signs of extraterrestrial life. And, don't give me the spill about wanting to be treated like a human being, because God knows how that goes in parts of this world. What you want is to be loved, and honey, whether you transition or not, how you are seen, treated or loved pretty much evens itself out regardless of what side of the fence you are on. You can choose to chew the grass on the other side of the fence, or continue chewing where the last cow pooped.
Quote from: FilaFord on March 14, 2014, 11:44:31 PM
I don't have faith that our (the American) society will accept me, and that is not so much my preconception that others will judge me that way, as much as it is that I judge myself that way.
How you judge yourself, and how you perceive society will judge you, are two different things. One really does not have a causal effect on the other. You take someone who is, literally speaking, in their own world. Nothing that occurs around that person even matters.
Quote from: FilaFord on March 14, 2014, 11:44:31 PM
I'm not physically or mentally ready for such a drastic change, and even though my better judgment (and the judgment of those around me) says that I should not care, I do care. I can't do it. I am not ready to take the step. I guess the massively overwhelming notion is that it's "transition or death" and right now I am not in that mindset.
I like me. I like life. I'm not ready to F*** up everyone else's preconceived notion of what I am just so that I can try and see if transitioning cures what ails me...
I just had a great heart-to-heart with my sister-in-law that my wife outted me to. She told me that she thinks our family will accept me just fine. I agreed with her, but that doesn't change the fact that I am not ready. I wish I was, but I am simply just not ready for other people to start seeing me as something that I don't see myself as...
That quoted part has me wondering how you ended up on HRT in the first place. I'm not a therapist, obviously, but my last therapist (who was following the older WPATH SOC) said that she does not write letters of referral for HRT until that time has come, where the client is 'ready', literally where the client can't stand to be in his or her present skin. I do not want this conversation to turn into a "you're not a transsexual, so why are you here?", but I definitely do wonder how you got past the gatekeeper. I say that out of concern for you, and am wondering about your therapist. I have to warn you though: many therapists, once a situation like this has happened, won't ever give a nod of acceptance for a client's wishes again, and because most are worried about maintaining their license, some will even refer their clients onto someone else. Just be prepared. They don't want their credentials or reputation tainted.
Quote from: FilaFord on March 14, 2014, 11:44:31 PM
I wish it was easier, but it's not. I hate these feelings and living as a male repressing these feelings seems much easier than living as a transwoman who expresses them. I love everyone here. You girls have given me so much courage, but I am not strong enough to pursue this life. I know it should not be a choice, but I am not going to choose to transition anymore. It will choose me if that time comes, but right now that time has not manifested itself yet!
So ..... you do not sound like your classic 'transsexual' case, but that certainly does not exclude you from being under the transgender umbrella. Either you're transgender or completely nuts (no pun intended, lol), or you wouldn't be in this situation in the first place. You can wait this one out, but you will find that the longer things change, the more they stay the same. If those around you, as you perceive them, will not accept you because of some image of yourself that you've planted in their minds, then imagine how much more difficult that mold will be to break later on down the road. If you're doing this to make THEM happy, then bank on nothing changing until they're gone.
While I think this conversation would be more appropriate in the transition forum (or perhaps even the beauty section), let me close by saying this: I had an epiphany, about a month ago, after chewing gaping wounds into both cheeks of my mouth, that I had been spending all these years of my life LIVING OTHER PEOPLES' LIVES. I was making THEM happy, making THEM comfortable, giving THEM what they wanted, and as long as I continued to do those things they (seemingly) treated me with the respect and love I felt I deserved. It was the moment that I decided that playing THEIR game was not a game I wanted to play anymore, that I found who THEY really were. In all that chaos, they made themselves known. Got what they wanted. Living the grand life. Problem is, they didn't know anything about me. Why? Because if they did, all of the above that I said about them would be untrue. So .... it's not really about making yourself out to be a freak that is so upsetting to others, it's them being forced to ponder their own existence and how I have affected their existence, that makes them upset. Ever heard the saying "I Know You Are, But What Am I..."? Do you really know them? Do they really know you? How about all of you just start fresh and get to know each other? Hugs, Kristy
