Was praying for you today, was deeply greived at the pain on the board with marriages and the power of our dysphoria.  I am still wondering or hoping if it was possible to be able to nurture the "woman within" without necessarily having the show the woman outside... I take my strength and dysphoric stuff from always being aware that the physical side is very much female, while I still look and act mostly male.  I know many of us need to fully transition all the time both internally and externally, but it could be a ray of hope maybe? 

I would do anything to keep my marriage, but she did not ask me to turn my back on what I am, as it is futile for me to try.  I purged probably more than 50 times.  The last time, I broke, and was willing to lose everything for it.  Now, I am not willing to lose anything for it, but keep trying to live that fine line of acceptable.

My heart breaks for you and for her.  I only hope you can find some kind of way out.  Same for everyone else, the pain of transition is so great.  I had about 6 months of agony and it was only saved by my wife's faith, and her finally understanding to not fear what I was becoming, as a result of prayer.

I am so lucky I feel survivors guilt.  My God what hurt is here... its too much...

And you wonder why I race things with 4 wheels around little oval bowls at very high speed with a bunch of other ones...  I did the escape thing too, especially driven under the lash of testosterone.  Which you probably can drop a bit with your doc if you try to detrans, but I know nothing of these things.  I can't handle testosterone personally, and it feels like crap with no estrogen and no testosterone either.

My shrink always said to ask my wife if I was exceeding her comfort level, and she always tells me, like the time she accidently saw my chest in a cami.  It took a while to find where she was ok and so was I.  She can't see whats under the jeans or the big shirts.

I sure hope you can stay married.  I don't know what to say.  I just want to fix it and I don't have the power.

Satinjoy,
OMG thank you.
I was talking to my son yesterday and told him I have to choose between being me and being with the one I love dearly.
Its like I am destroying a beautiful relationship with a beautiful woman.. My wife is way way above average even for her age.. She looks like Barbara Eden from I dream of Jeannie..not that that is the most important thing but she also is humble and loves me and is anything but stuck up.
She is in many ways the dream wife that any man would die for and here I am with a decision to let go of my love..
I know for a fact if I transition i will lose her and never get over it.. there is not way I would be able to be happy without her.
So I am faced with the decision.. lose myself or her.
I know if I take testosterone all my habits will return and I will have GID again.
I also hate how oily I was and how much I stink as a guy.. and those are things I did not  think about until hrt changed me... I love how I feel.. so young and free and happy with myself. I love waking up in the morning and feeling tired and girly instead of grumpy as a guy.
I also am not compulsive anymore and just happy living.. except when I think about losing her.
This really is the biggest decision of my life period and I just don't know what to do.
Carrie

Quote from: Satinjoy on March 18, 2014, 08:23:22 PM
Was praying for you today, was deeply greived at the pain on the board with marriages and the power of our dysphoria.  I am still wondering or hoping if it was possible to be able to nurture the "woman within" without necessarily having the show the woman outside... I take my strength and dysphoric stuff from always being aware that the physical side is very much female, while I still look and act mostly male.  I know many of us need to fully transition all the time both internally and externally, but it could be a ray of hope maybe? 

I would do anything to keep my marriage, but she did not ask me to turn my back on what I am, as it is futile for me to try.  I purged probably more than 50 times.  The last time, I broke, and was willing to lose everything for it.  Now, I am not willing to lose anything for it, but keep trying to live that fine line of acceptable.

My heart breaks for you and for her.  I only hope you can find some kind of way out.  Same for everyone else, the pain of transition is so great.  I had about 6 months of agony and it was only saved by my wife's faith, and her finally understanding to not fear what I was becoming, as a result of prayer.

I am so lucky I feel survivors guilt.  My God what hurt is here... its too much...

And you wonder why I race things with 4 wheels around little oval bowls at very high speed with a bunch of other ones...  I did the escape thing too, especially driven under the lash of testosterone.  Which you probably can drop a bit with your doc if you try to detrans, but I know nothing of these things.  I can't handle testosterone personally, and it feels like crap with no estrogen and no testosterone either.

My shrink always said to ask my wife if I was exceeding her comfort level, and she always tells me, like the time she accidently saw my chest in a cami.  It took a while to find where she was ok and so was I.  She can't see whats under the jeans or the big shirts.

I sure hope you can stay married.  I don't know what to say.  I just want to fix it and I don't have the power.

it seems the question is which has greater value to you. Living out the remainder of your life with her   or being the woman you want to be. really only you know. I don't know being the woman you want to be , you may or may not find a partner of equal value if that's more important then daily living as a female. If having a partner is less important then I guess you'll be happier as a woman . I guess you can always find a partner, but then again will it be an equal , greater or lesser trade off. Whether your new partner is male or female will it be of equal love. I don't know its really up to you.

Regardless of what you look like, you are and always will be a woman. Take comfort in that while you decide what you're going to do.

Declan
So true.. I have thought about that and now that my whole family knows they have even greater respect for me..knowing I have been so good to them at the same time fighting this all my life.
I even told my wife yesterday if I decide to stay male that I really am a woman all the way.. she thinks I am 50/50.. and I said if you include my male body but I am near 100 percent girl inside.
Thanks for your message,
I see my therapist tomorrow kind of an early emergency  thing since i had such a breakdown.
In  the end I don't think I can stay male.. but we will see.. its a battle that has to be fought I suppose so I know i have made the right decision
My wife asked me if she died today would i transition.. and I said honestly yes there is no doubt.
Carrie

Quote from: Declan. on March 19, 2014, 12:15:49 PM
Regardless of what you look like, you are and always will be a woman. Take comfort in that while you decide what you're going to do.

I wonder if you can make the breakthrough to live male stealth knowing that you are female under the skin anyway - as has been said, that will remain.  I can be female and look male.  My undergarments are very not male.  My outer appearance particularly publically are very not female.  And I cover up - actually my wife is able to handle me from the waist down, including the lingerie peaking through under the nightshirt, and she can handle my rather nice legs.

But I am comfortable knowing I can do that, my center if you will is female, my body's nervous system is emphatically female and my hormones are female.  Yes I hide boobs.  Yes my wife still gets backrubs, joyrides, everything she needs to feel the relationship has not fundamentally changed.  This sacrifice I can make because I am secure in my female center and see through the disguize, through the eyes, to see the girl within anytime I wish.  But she doesn't see through it or she finds a way to disregard it.

If your wife can make that breakthrough - find a middle ground of stable familiarity - maybe there is a ray of hope.  You'll need expert therapy on that level.  Someone that has save a trans marriage through transition or knows the keys to do it.  Its always a long shot for us anyway, but there is that chance, and I personally don't believe in trying the restart, not unless its full time and female in a female sexual role- and even that can be postponed.

Trust me I get the compusivity link to T over E the same happened with me, raising the stakes to be on it.  As well as the deceptive bad habits if you will, which I now can avoid vigilantly.

The stakes are too high here for you.  Those stress levels are way too high.  I hope the shrink can help.  I still don't know if you are compelled for full time woman, or an all or nothing deal to revert back to fully male, or if there is a way to keep your center.

A good woman is very hard to find, one that is your soul mate.  The pain level of your dysphoria may ultimately determine the outcome unless you can find a way to satisfy it internally without necessarily expressing it externally visibly... some can do this... some cannot or should not do this we are a rainbow of gender variations and needs of self expression.  And your wife will need to like the color of the rainbow you wind up settling into, hopefully in an honest comfort with yourself and one she shares.

But nobody can really advise you without being in your shoes and hers.... actually I wouldnt mind being in hers... kidding....
and ultimately it has to be worked out together, in some way that is reasonable for both of your deep needs.

Please dont self destruct on this.  In AA we say dont drink before the miracle.  Don't give up before the miracle, keep seeing if there is a way, some way to negotiate a place where you and your wife can both be at peace, even if it is an uncomfortable peace in the beginning.

So sorry and I hope something in here that helped me also could help you or anyone else reading this post.

Will continue to pray, have turned it over to God's compassion and He sees the big picture and knew this was coming.  I can't sense the outcome just the pain on both sides.

Also you may be able to propose an adjustment on your end and ask a concession on hers and try it for a while to see if it works, I think once you make the move out you are correct, it would be extremely difficult to regain that ground.  You may be left alone with a mirror and a harmonized self image feeling the dysphoria has betrayed you.  Your wife, however, has not.  The blame is not hers.  She is as much hit by your dysphoria as you are, but in an opposite way.

Not easy being trans.  Have to really see through everything and be rigourously honest with yourself, others, your identity, the works.  Took a lot of help for me and I know you are getting that.  And fear is evil and destructive, a tool for harm, sometimes with a core of truth, sometimes with a core of deception.

My God I was lucky.  Nearly all of my therapy was centered on keeping my wife, while understanding and becoming comforable in my own skin, and stopping hiding.  She had no clue I hid it for 25 years from everyone, totally and successfully.

Terrible night, coming out.  Worth it though, got rid of the fear and deception.

I don't know what will happen but you know there are many, many here that care about you regardless of the outcome.  And if you are able to detransition and keep the relationship and a measure of happiness, that is also of great value.  I would suggest you continue therapy regardless, long term.

good advice

Quote from: carrie359 on March 17, 2014, 08:44:22 AM
From the OP
Ok so I did everything right I thought.. had months of therapy and started HRT about three months ago.
Feeling so good about my mind and body changes.. I am a total girl on the inside for sure and making great progress on my looks.
I am very female and the barriers I had put up came crashing down on E.. The HRT has worked wonders.. I am lucky with that.
My entire family accepts me totally and happy for me except my wife of 31 years.
.
.
.
I know I won't ever be happy as a guy but hell I am 55 so maybe I can take anti depressants or something to cope.
.
.
.
Carrie

Carrie,
Please be very careful if you try to "cope" with being miserable as a guy by using drugs (including prescription drugs from a qualified Doctor) it could result in your mental and physical death.

You are valuable as you, as the woman you are.

Much valuable advise has been given, things may work out in the long run, your wife may be able to learn to love the soul within you and not the wrapping around it.

-Cindi

First before the update I have to brag.. I have lost 60 lbs now and can wear a size 8 Nine West jeans...I tried on my wifes to see how far I needed to go to lose weight and could not believe they fit.... and they fit awesome in the butt by the way..
I like my new body. I have a figure.. If I wear a medium shirt I have boobs.. my sister had me try on a shirt and I liked it..
She messed with my hair and said I can look cute.. I don't see it at all not sure how she does..


Update.. and also commenting on Satinjoy's post...all are appreciated but this one especially helped me .. I already know what I must do but i have to work through it.
Ok so I go to therapy yesterday and its all about my wife.  I tell the therapist.. you don't understand I have the perfect wonderful most amazing soul mate I love and she loves me.
She says, does she love you enough to be flexible?? She is trying to make me think. My wife is willing to give me free time to be a  girl but wants nothing to do with it and if I don't stop E it will be over I think... I don't want free time to be a girl on testosterone.. that sucks and I did it all my life.
I tried my usual.. lets look at this again.. and tried to say maybe this is a fetish.. and of course  then my mind wonders back to when I was in elementary school longing to be a girl, with the girls and when they started getting boobs praying to God  to grow mine.. Dreams of being one of the girls in a circle on the playground laughing only to wake up and cry because it was a dream.. a wonderful dream..
So I am trans.. I am a girl on the inside.. I know it .. its who I am ..and have always been.
So she said do you really want to go back to the deception and not be real.. Answer.. no, I like being real and everyone loves me the same.. except my wife.
See, the thing is.. now that I am real, I am real in other more open ways.. my son and daughter love the new me.. My sister too..
My best friend from High School.. an alcoholic, thinks I am nuts to ever do it and give up my wife but supports and loves me in whatever I do.

We talked about how co dependent my wife are with each other.. we are in a sense one person.  Everything in our lives revolves around each other.. not many other friends just our two little cute wonderful dogs we love so much and oh yes son and daughter.

She thinks we need to mourn the loss of me together hold each other and get through it together.

My wife and I have had a wonderful week.. what I have done is try to act more mature.. I was at times silly..and not very mature so I am respecting her enough to check my behavior and be more considerate of how she feels and what my changes do to her.
I have bought some time.. a lot of time to just see what happens..
No more nail polish in front of her.. I put it on and I hate to take it off...you know the drill..

She says the he in me is gone and it is.. I even think I am acting normal and she says I am way off..but she still has fun with me and I make her laugh all the time.
I hope if I tone it down maybe she she will adapt a little over time.
The best bet is that I will eventually have to fully transition and i will have to leave.
We would always work together everyday and be very good buddies. 
I am possessive of her love even on the E.. I thought that would help me.. maybe with time on E I can feel more like I just want her as a friend.. after all she is not gay at all dang it..

I am going with my sister this weekend to visit and meet other trans woman.. I need to find someone who can cut my hair as I grow it out.. its getting pretty long.
I also want to do make up for fun and I need help with that..

I want to stop so I can keep her but I don't think I can ever go back to being a guy guy..and that sucks because as a guy I look so dang good.. I am very very handsome and do very good in business... so transition could change everything for me...
I did  tell my therapist.. what if I transition and lose her and regret transition.. then what.. she said that is a risk I take..
UGH..
All I know is I love being a girl...(woman) I feel so so good on E.. I can't stop..ever.
Carrie
PS I get mistaken for a woman on the phone all the  time now.. I get called honey and dear a lot by other women on the phone.. I get hugs more now than ever from female customers and I don't know why.. they don't know I am in transition..
I think I am a better person than I was.. I am free..

 

Quote from: Satinjoy on March 19, 2014, 07:47:04 PM

Trust me I get the compusivity link to T over E the same happened with me, raising the stakes to be on it.  As well as the deceptive bad habits if you will, which I now can avoid vigilantly.
OMG never going back to that again.. I was freed December 19th from the deceptive bad habits.

The stakes are too high here for you.  Those stress levels are way too high.  I hope the shrink can help.  I still don't know if you are compelled for full time woman, or an all or nothing deal to revert back to fully male, or if there is a way to keep your center.

A good woman is very hard to find, one that is your soul mate.  The pain level of your dysphoria may ultimately determine the outcome unless you can find a way to satisfy it internally without necessarily expressing it externally visibly... some can do this... some cannot or should not do this we are a rainbow of gender variations and needs of self expression.  And your wife will need to like the color of the rainbow you wind up settling into, hopefully in an honest comfort with yourself and one she shares.



Please dont self destruct on this.  In AA we say dont drink before the miracle.  Don't give up before the miracle, keep seeing if there is a way, some way to negotiate a place where you and your wife can both be at peace, even if it is an uncomfortable peace in the beginning.

So sorry and I hope something in here that helped me also could help you or anyone else reading this post.

Will continue to pray, have turned it over to God's compassion and He sees the big picture and knew this was coming.  I can't sense the outcome just the pain on both sides.



Not easy being trans.  Have to really see through everything and be rigourously honest with yourself, others, your identity, the works.  Took a lot of help for me and I

Sorry, never been married, never even been in much of a relationship either, so can't offer much by way of a solution. You clearly love her and I understand the distress it must be causing both of you. She may come around but she may not. It sounds like you will be fairly "absent" if you remain male though, what with the anti-depressants and the busy business you'll drop yourself into - so I'm not sure what she feels she will get from that kind of relationship

sorry your in such a predicament ,but From your posts I think you know what your ultimate decision  is going to be, good luck.

I've been through several of these "WTF am I doing??" meltdowns since I started taking on the trans beast for real 6 years ago at the age of 52. Even today I still have tremendous guilt over how this is affecting my wife. Guilt driven by the residual shame of simply being me, being different.

If you can ask her, she will say I am crazy. But not for what you may first think. Crazy because today I am far far better, healthier, happier than before. Trying to live a lie, live some "Ideal", some image as I did for decades took it's toll. I became a non-person. Worse an angry person. Or as she might say these days when I slip into "Bro-Mode", being a macho ass hole.

But don't think for a moment she is in any way happy about the prospect of me going full-time or her being married to a woman. As she often reminds me that she enjoys men, she did not marry a woman. (Through she was well aware of my TG status from about day one some 30 odd years ago)

It took time. It took gallons of tears. It took lots of open honest communication while walking that fine line of TMI. Even for her this has all been difficult to come to grasp. Hell! It's been pretty difficult for me too! I wish I had a clear idea of what path to take when I come to the fork in the road. At least this time, unlike in the past when I walked this road, I know I am not running back to do it all over again. One of my daily affirmations is "I know what doesn't work"

So I wonder.... Can your wife be overwhelmed? Perhaps a case of too much too fast? Oft times a problem for us when we finally open the floodgates. Life becomes Well that's out of the way now full-speed ahead.

Joanne,
Yes gallons of tears I can relate to that for sure.  I wake up this morning feeling pretty male so I thought then on my feet and oops.. not male at all.
I went to a store today.. and walked in front of a mirror and saw me.. skinny now after loosing about 60 lbs and had a OMG moment.. my longer hair and my face is looking fem..
Made me think wow, I have changed.. and I like it and ok with it.
Taking a shower this morning my hair hanging down below my eyes for first time in my life and I am liking it.. can't cut my hair.
I like my body now first time ever.. or at least whats happening to it.
So, I know the right decision ... and and what I will do in the end.
We have slowed it a bit.. I act better around her and we seem to have gone through part of the grief.. now we just talk matter of fact.. that we love each other and one day if I continue will find a place and be best of buddies for ever.. we will work together every day so I suppose I can't ask for more than that.
I have that WTF am i doing every day and think.. i cant do this.. then realize.. I may have no choice.. I am who I am and I  accept that now.
Carrie