For those of you who don't know much about me, I've been on HRT for 14 months with a couple months off due to surgery.  My body responded to estrogen unbelievably well.  I also worked hard on weight control by bouncing the weight up and down while making a progress towards a weight loss goal.  I truly believe this helped with fat "redistribution".  Working out like a maniac helped with musculature.  Whatever the cause, it worked really, really well.  Like jaw dropping well.  Unfortunately, my face really didn't seem to change and still has features that are very masculine.  I don't even feel comfortable putting my current picture on this site but instead use a modified picture that approximates of what I will look like after FFS.  It's not pretty at all. 

So, I started arranging for FFS surgery with an aggressive surgeon (Dr Zukowski) back in October 2013 and got it scheduled for Jan. of this year.  My insurance company totally dropped the ball and it was rescheduled to March 15.  Then, the insurance company denied coverage and it got rescheduled twice more and is now set for May 1.  The good news is that I finally got, in writing, approval for the entire surgery.  The bad news is the surgery is still six weeks out.  It's impossible to hide and almost impossible to keep dressing male.  I hate this. 

I wear four layers of loose clothes and I bind like a mummy.   Still, when my jacket opens just a little, people stare.  If it's windy, the pants blow and my leg shape is visible and people stare.  People just stare with this shocked and at times, disgusted look.  Plus, I just start crying every morning when I get dressed.

On the other hand, dressed to the hilt in female mode is great for my psyche but causes some really shocked looks on the part of people who see my face.  It's the same, confused and disgusted look I get as a guy.   And, I can't transition at work until I complete and recover from FFS.  Right now, it's scheduled for June 16.

This is causing some really nasty mental stress.  Any suggestions on how to hide or how to deal with this situation better would be welcome.

Jen

Only thing I can recommend is it to just go into F IT MODE! be you and if anyone clocks you just move on ya know..I remember when I would go out prehrt in full female mode. It was really tough and it was my own decision not a forced thing like the real life test. I just became sick of hiding...I was most definitely clocked when I would go to the mall but I was always with my female friends soo that helped a ton, safety wise.

How did you eventually get it approved to be covered with your insurance? I know there are plans that cover hormones, GRS, and BA, but never heard of one that covers FFS.

Quote from: odysseus513 on March 18, 2014, 07:20:25 AM
How did you eventually get it approved to be covered with your insurance? I know there are plans that cover hormones, GRS, and BA, but never heard of one that covers FFS.

I deal with regulatory authorities all over the world as part of my job.  The insurance company stuff was messy but they didn't stand a chance.  I really need FFS so motivation wasn't lacking.   I'll post rather detailed instructions on how to do this in a new thread.  Should result in at least some coverage when medical necessity is established. Probably post that tomorrow night.

Hugs,

Jen

Jen, just remember it's only six more weeks.  A drop in the bucket at this point.  You've made it this far, and whatever the ignorant d-bags out there think is irrelevent to your being.  In the end you win and they lose.

Hugs,
Jill

What I'm going to say is something that's probably incredibly hard to do. But it's helped me in the past.

People staring expect a reaction when you see it. And if you're feeling really insecure and, well, very uneasy with yourself when it happens, the reaction you give may well be just the one they're hoping for. A sort of cringe, almost apologetic not-knowing-what-to-do-with-yourself reaction. Which is entirely understandable. Often it hurts. A lot.

I get from your post that you don't feel confident either way at the moment, sweetie. And feel like you have to hide yourself away. This, perhaps just as much as anything physical about you that you're not happy with, is what adds to the experience. You feel self-conscious so you're hyper aware of everything around you. Every single glance, turn of a head in your direction, any sounds... anything. I've been there.

What I would recommend is, rather like Lady_Oracle suggests, try to own yourself. To practice an air of being confident. It's the hardest thing in the world when you don't feel it, I know. But sometimes you can act confident even when you don't feel it. When you're out and about, keep the thought in your mind that you actually like who you are. Remember why you're doing everything, and what the end result will be, and that in just a relatively short space of time, you'll have something which makes you feel even better about yourself.

If people stare at you, meet their gaze and flash them a huge smile. Really, even though you might feel like you wish the earth would open up beneath you, you would be surprised how often the stares melt away when they don't have the desired effect on you. And even moreso if you stare back. People are only comfortable if they feel like they have some sort of power over you. Turn that around and you take that power back for yourself.

Sweetie, you don't deserve to make yourself feel like crap for a majority of people you don't even know or will never see again. *hugs* I know it's a hard thing to get past. But by owning yourself and your own world, you make it so other people cannot.

Your legs can't be THAT bad compared to mine!  I am so uneasy about them sometimes, they're not fat or anything just muscular from years of Tennis. Not body builder muscular but more muscular than I would like.

But I also realize that there are tons of women out there with legs even more muscular than mine! You can't let the small stuff get to you because I promise it's not as bad as you think it is. We girls come in all shapes and sizes, but we're all wrapped with a pretty little bow!

Keep your head up.

So much stress cannot be good for you. Try & choose the road with less stress. It's a very long trip anyway.

Maybe slow down some & try to relax.

Ride it out, girl!!! You're six short weeks from having a surgery that will radically change your facial structure and people will, in a matter of 8-10 weeks, stare at you because of a gorgeous face and a killer body! I really don't know what the problem is. We've all got something, and mine's a big one with only a 50/50 chance of success and normality. Although I pass very well, I have something that causes both men and women to ask me what happened to me and if they can help me put my groceries in the car etc. I broke my back in three places and can hardly stand up straight, and I also had an unnecessary knee replacement that went horribly wrong (serious surgical errors and then MRSA) and I can't even straighten out my leg. On top of that, it's over an inch shorter. So I walk bent over with a limp. I'm going to have to get at least two surgeries and possibly a third, for the hip that's going out from overcompensating for my short leg. I'd like to kill the two butchers who did this to me, but I don't want to go to prison. I don't know if I'll ever walk normally again, but you're younger than me, and you'll be the woman you've always wanted to be. Think back to your first day on HRT fourteen months ago, and then compare the speed with which it's gone by to a short six weeks. You're practically there. Don't worry! Hugs, Mira

Huh? Who cares what people think.

Wait, I think I am not totally understanding your problem... people are staring at you because of your leg shape? Are you sure that's what it is? I really am not trying to belittle your problem, but, have you thought that maybe you could be suffering more from some anxiety issues and some irrational fears? Like the spotlight effect? What do you think? Could you see someone for support and to help you work thru the fears?

Quote from: JLT1 on March 17, 2014, 10:15:24 PM
For those of you who don't know much about me, I've been on HRT for 14 months with a couple months off due to surgery.  My body responded to estrogen unbelievably well.  I also worked hard on weight control by bouncing the weight up and down while making a progress towards a weight loss goal.  I truly believe this helped with fat "redistribution".  Working out like a maniac helped with musculature.  Whatever the cause, it worked really, really well.  Like jaw dropping well.  Unfortunately, my face really didn't seem to change and still has features that are very masculine.  I don't even feel comfortable putting my current picture on this site but instead use a modified picture that approximates of what I will look like after FFS.  It's not pretty at all. 

So, I started arranging for FFS surgery with an aggressive surgeon (Dr Zukowski) back in October 2013 and got it scheduled for Jan. of this year.  My insurance company totally dropped the ball and it was rescheduled to March 15.  Then, the insurance company denied coverage and it got rescheduled twice more and is now set for May 1.  The good news is that I finally got, in writing, approval for the entire surgery.  The bad news is the surgery is still six weeks out.  It's impossible to hide and almost impossible to keep dressing male.  I hate this. 

I wear four layers of loose clothes and I bind like a mummy.   Still, when my jacket opens just a little, people stare.  If it's windy, the pants blow and my leg shape is visible and people stare.  People just stare with this shocked and at times, disgusted look.  Plus, I just start crying every morning when I get dressed.

On the other hand, dressed to the hilt in female mode is great for my psyche but causes some really shocked looks on the part of people who see my face.  It's the same, confused and disgusted look I get as a guy.   And, I can't transition at work until I complete and recover from FFS.  Right now, it's scheduled for June 16.

This is causing some really nasty mental stress.  Any suggestions on how to hide or how to deal with this situation better would be welcome.

Jen

Aww honey, I think you had your picture on here before. And I'm wondering if this is what sad panda said?

Jen, Thinking about you & FFS soon. I know it's scarry & frustrating too have to wait so long however I'm sure it will be worth the wait. We all want a better appearance so we can live a more normal feminine life. I wish you only the best during your wait period.

I have visited a plastic surgeon several times & have his outline for a face & neck lift. I know I need it however I just cannot seem to schedule the procedure. No insurance is available however it's reasonable.

So anyway I know a little of your pain GF. Good luck again.

Hi JLT1, I've meant to say for aaaaaages that your avatar looks so much like the girl I used to work with when we were window dressers at Selfridges She used to be an air hostess, so she never had issues with looks! And you look very similar in profile, so that's definitely a positive.
I am very sorry to hear you cry in the morning! That really sucks and I hope you feel better about yourself and get to the point where you want to be, soon.

I too have always had issues with never matching up to society's expectations. And whatever I attempt to be, people assume the opposite.

If I used to wear very male clothes, people used to joke that I still looked girly, and if I wore girly clothes people used to laugh that I looked like a drag queen. The effect has been lessened now that masculinity has taken proper hold of my form, so I tend to "pass" as a male. Although I randomly get asked by kids if I'm female every so often (even if I'm in blatant male clothes). Interestingly, life has (just for ->-bleeped-<-s and giggles, I guess) decided to make me look more masculine right at the time that I've plucked-up the courage to come out as transgender and crossdress in public.

My face is very male now but my body is still just about androgynous. The upshot of this is that I can wear size 6-8 fashionable girl's clothes, and girl's shoes easily, and my figure looks quite passable but with an increasingly square, saggy skinned faced and straggly hair on top. I actually do think I look disturbing, but there's nowt I can do about this, short of HRT or embracing the effects of masculinity and purporsely butching up to match my face.

Why do you think your face didn't respond well to HRT? Are they things that you feel FSS can sort?

*hugs*




   

I believe in you and who you are, so have some in yourself. Someone hit it on the head when they mentioned the "spotlight effect" and I think that is what you have to defeat. Grin, stare and totally mess with others, it is kind of fun sometimes.

All,

I posted how I got FFS paid for in the FFS topic here on Susan's.

Thank you so very much for the encouragement.  Wednesday, just before leaving work, I asked several of the women here if anyone wanted to go shopping with me.  One girl volunteered whom I have known for several years. We were friendly and closer than most co-workers and she did not know but thought my transitioning was a possibility.  I had scheduled a coming out lunch for this Friday so it was planned but I needed someone to help.  So, we walked over to a vacant conference room and I came out to her, explaining that I needed support.  She agreed and met me, as me, as Jen at a large mall.  She was not nervous and that calmed me down.  Wednesday, we bought some hair clips, walked, ate, talked and laughed.  Somehow, I got over the people staring at me and with her there, not as many stared.  Last night, we went to a different and much larger mall and I purchased jeans, blouse, a cami and a bra.  Yes, there was a sales woman who walked away and yes, there were stares but somehow, she got me though them.  There were also some very friendly people.

I think part of it really is confidence.  I think part of it is just doing it.  But I have always been alone; having a friend helps in more ways than I ever anticipated.  This includes all of you here on Susan's as well. 

Thank you Kayla...

Hugs,

Jen

Good for you, find more friends. No one can live alone. Women mostly love to help us adapt, adjust, become good friends, sisters. I have several very good women friends, some I even attended first grade with from long ago.

Jen, you look gorgeous in the avatar - so if that is how you expect to look coming out the other side of this all I can offer is that the best is yet to come. It must be unbelievably hard feeling stuck at this point but six weeks will be gone in a flash and then you can really put your life into top gear! Hugs!

I don't think there's anything I can add by way help. Being between worlds is horrid. No argument about it.

Be strong, and own yourself even if you're not where you want to be. One added bonus to transition that nobody told me about, by god it makes you a strong person. And people can sense that strength and security. I've taken this and become so much more assertive in a confident and warm kind of way.

Incidentally, we have FFS at the same time . But apparently your hemisphere is ahead by about 8 weeks. Or maybe June happens sooner?