Evenin' all! 

Quick question here, to help with the last niggles in my mind as I arrive at my last GIC meeting before the decision is made. First one may be seen as controversial perhaps? or TMI? but its not meant to be. Its not meant to be flippant either. Its the best way I can explain and pose this question with my current level of understanding about myself.


1. Are there any of yourselves who are MTF and feel you are overwhelmingly female and feminine, still care about keeping and using your birth genitalia yet do not see your genitalia as symbolising your maleness? I ask, as I enjoy using my penis, but I've never felt "manly" when using it. I've always felt like I'm just a horny girl when I'm turned on, and my arousal triggers seem far more of the female pattern than male. My penis to me has just never symbolised power and masculinity, its just been a tool to please women and to please myself. Sometimes it feels almost separate to me, like I'm pleasing the male within me, and this feels good. As good as feeling I need to please the female inside me.


To put this very bluntly, how I feel is that I have had these strong and etheral inklings since just before puberty that I'm a female spirit who has been born in a male body in this life, and I happen to be attracted to women. So it feels like this has been an experiment and a new experience for my spirit. This has felt fun and unusual, but now I feel as if my spirit feels that this "playing" at being male is getting too serious, I now feel trapped, and I don't think my attraction to women is enough to sustain a male identity, an identity based almost solely on the enjoyment of being able to penetrate women naturally. That's how my trans experience and how my sexuality has felt to me. I feel like my feminine/female spirit is tired and upset and needs to "go back".

It may sound nuts, but I am a sane person and not one for indulging in personal fantasy when it comes to serious issues like this.

Anyone out there with similar thoughts, or any comments? Thanks for your time.

Internally I have no "maleness" to speak of, and I don't feel male when using my dick. Sometimes I do feel dysphoria and worry that my boyfriend sees me as male because of how I pleasure myself.

For the most part I am fine with my genitalia, and I even penetrate my boyfriend once and awhile and sometimes I really enjoy it (most of the time I don't because hrt has changed my sensation down there and my drive to want to screw things).

I don't see enjoying my genitalia as affecting my being female, just as I don't see my being bigender (androgyne/female) as making me any less female.

I had doubts before starting hrt if I was trans because I didn't think I could be if I was okay with my dick and using it. But now 6 months into HRT and no regrets...I'm definitely a trans female. Not all of us hate our genitalia, and for some of us the hate is induced by society's gender essentialism of "penis = male, vagina = female".

-Skye

I'm fine with the genitals I have. I'm happy to use them, I don't see it as a particularly male experience.

What's between my legs has no bearing on who I am.

I am also going through that. It sometimes feels like my attraction to women is the major thing that keeps my male identity intact. Everything else in life I could also do as a woman and I'll probably be happier. But I am mightily scared of not passing. In my sexual fantasies I am a female 98% of the time but I find it hard to imagine having no penis. When you're horny its presence just can't be ignored which makes all of this so confusing. It's like being two creatures; a body and a 'mind'..

Quote from: Feather on March 21, 2014, 04:43:46 AM
I am also going through that. It sometimes feels like my attraction to women is the major thing that keeps my male identity intact. Everything else in life I could also do as a woman and I'll probably be happier. But I am mightily scared of not passing. In my sexual fantasies I am a female 98% of the time but I find it hard to imagine having no penis. When you're horny its presence just can't be ignored which makes all of this so confusing. It's like being two creatures; a body and a 'mind'..

And why can't you be with a woman if you are a woman?

Quote from: kelly_aus on March 21, 2014, 04:50:14 AM
And why can't you be with a woman if you are a woman?

I don't know if that's what I truly want, even though I am just that in 98% of my fantasies. This male sexuality is just hella powerful and in fight with my mind.

I'm not MTF, but I can understand what you're saying. Lots of trans people don't hate their genitals, and that's totally cool. I mean, what you're saying sounds like women who use sex toys to pleasure the person they're with; it's not a part of their body, it's a tool they use for that particular purpose. So I think what you're saying makes sense; if a certain body part doesn't make you feel bad, doesn't make you feel like, "Whoa, hold on, this is a male body part," then that's your own feelings and it's completely valid and normal.

I don't hate my genitalia. When it comes to sex, I don't want to 'use' the part of it that is most common when a female has sex (ie be penetrated) because that does make me feel very uncomfortable, and it has even since before I realised I was trans. But in my day-to-day life, I have no bad feelings about it. So it's different for everyone.

I don't HATE my genitals, I have and do still use them, they are a tool with which I can give pleasure to my partner...but they do cause me to enjoy myself less than I would/will post-SRS.

Tucking sucks, but I love tight jeans...

It sucks not being able to ever wear a bikini or nice lingerie because the male parts ruin it...

And I find it very very difficult to..."self gratify" myself because I get quite dysphoric about it...(trying to be polite with the wording outside of the sexuality board ^^#)

So I guess, if I couldn't afford it, or SRS wasn't an option for other reasons, I wouldn't be miserable for the rest of my life or anything...but getting it will make me much happier and feel more womanly imho

I'm not really a very girly or feminine but I'm 100% sure I'm a girl. From about a bit before puberty I never really saw myself as a boy, but because of issues I couldn't accept myself as a girl untill 3 years ago.

Untill 3 weeks ago I wasn't really disgusted by my male parts. I did use it  for self pleasure (with seeing myself in the fantasy as a girl with girl parts with a boy). Had no bf but even if I had a bf I wouldn't use it.

Now that I'm on the hormones the hornyness has changed. Things that didn't excite me before do excite me now and things that did excite me doesn't excite me now.

Who you like doesn't say anything about how you feel about yourself. There are allot of trans* who liked girls/woman or boys/men and later transitioned to be one themselves.
Some also don't do the operation(s) (they don't want it, don't like the result, can't handle it). So it's perfectly understandable that you want to keep it.