I think I may be suffering from depression.  It can be hard to tell for me because at the same time I am really progressing in other areas of my life and can be really happy. 

My social anxiety has been really improving as I'm finding things that I feared would happen if I did something are not actually happening and I'm not feeling as anxious just thinking about certain situations anymore.  I'm getting more comfortable being myself by a lot within the last month or so and that's making me happy.  But at certain points I have this major swing in my mood and the world seems so dark and hopeless and I start wishing to be dead.

As I've gotten more comfortable being open with my feelings and expressing myself, I find that I'm not censoring as much when I post on Facebook.  My Grandma called me out of the blue the other day saying that she thinks I might be depressed because of something I posted on Facebook and should talk to a therapist and that she would make sure that cost would not be an issue for me to worry about.

One of the biggest things that I'm afraid of at this point is that if I come out to my family, they are going to be thinking that my depression is causing me gender confusion.  I really do not want to have that conversation with anyone.  I honestly don't think it's my responsibility to defend my gender expression or identity.  I really want my family to understand, but if it's going to be a conversation where I'm in a defense position rather than informative position, I just don't think I can handle it.

While I am in no way a psychologist, the general rule of thumb is if you think you are suffering from depression most likely your are. Second, it's not hard to take care of. You would be surprised at how many people suffer from it, me included. Step one, see your doctor. He can get you on antidepressants.

As to your gender issues I would suggest if your not already doing so to get a therapist. I can't begin to tell how good it feels to get things out on the table and open up to someone. As to your family take is slow; test the waters so to speak. But I cannot stress enough the need for therapy. It will help with coming out to your family as well.

Caysee, I agree with Veronica, I was crippled with depression to a point on non-function. There were times I have stayed in bed for days not able to face the world. I was put on medication and within a day I was back to being OK and dealing with my other issues. Modern medication is none drowsy and is not addictive.

There is no stigma in being depressed, it is very common and extremely common among trans*people.

Get some medical help ASAP hon.

Therapy helps, keeping a diary helps, playing a new game helps. Making some art helps. I like to paint happy trees.



Sooooo soothing.

I suffer from depression. It's been positively crippling in the past, and it's been getting the best of me lately.

Get help.

Quote from: Caysee Danielle on March 25, 2014, 04:10:31 PM
I'm getting more comfortable being myself by a lot within the last month or so and that's making me happy.  But at certain points I have this major swing in my mood and the world seems so dark and hopeless and I start wishing to be dead.

At least it sounds as if it isn't the endless variety of depression, you sound like like you are generally happy with how your life is progressing and  yet something triggers you into these swings. I guess the questions I'd be asking is "what is the trigger/s?" and "what pulls you out of the depressive episodes?" Working on having less of the former and more of the latter wouldn't hurt. But I'd agree with the others, seeking some medical intervention, especially of you are having thoughts of death, would be a good move.

Quote from: Veronica M on March 25, 2014, 11:48:00 PM
As to your gender issues I would suggest if your not already doing so to get a therapist. I can't begin to tell how good it feels to get things out on the table and open up to someone. As to your family take is slow; test the waters so to speak. But I cannot stress enough the need for therapy. It will help with coming out to your family as well.

Hiya Caysee

I totally agree with the girls here.  Therapy is an incredibly enlightening, wonderfully positive, and sometimes scary thing to do.   If you find a good therapist, that person will guide you, show you the doors, the signposts, the old videos of your life, and if you are brave, it's up to you to open the doors, follow the signposts, and play back those videos.   

I know this is a bit metaphorical, but a good therapist doesn't solve anything for you - that's your job!  They enable the process and guide you.   And gosh, once I found the right one after 3 attempts, it was incredible. I gained so much insight into myself, my depression cleared, I realised who I was and what I needed. 

But be patient and don't expect instant results.  If you can afford the time and money, 4-6 months of sessions as a minimum could be a great help.  You could start with them weekly and as you feel better go to fortnightly and then maybe monthly.

Go girl...!  XXX

I'd like to echo what others have said. Therapy can be good...can be. Lol. I used to get discouraged because I never found a therapist who just "got me" and knew how to get through to me. Finally I did and it honestly changed my life so much. Sometimes you need medication for depression in addition to therapy, but the skills they can teach you to make life feel a bit better are invaluable.

I'd also like to add that you DON'T have to justify anything to your family. I spent years living like that, trying to defend myself, and almost drove myself insane, literally. It tore me up. So I know this...if they think your depression is causing your gender issues, tough cookies. It's not their call. Plus, if they don't approve, they'll find a way to try and make you go on the defense anyway, they'll try to find some other "cause" just so they don't have to accept it. And again, that's just going to have to be too bad for them. You can give them informative information if you choose, but you never have to justify or explain yourself. Ever.

Depression is a strange and sneaky beast.  Probably a good idea to see the therapist if only to disentangle whether you're depressed (major depressive disorder), or just having occasional 'down' times, or something in between (and there are others, including cyclothymia and dysthymia).

There are different ways of diagnosing, and self-monitoring, depression.  The 'Burns Depression Inventory' is one, and should be findable on the web pretty easily.  A briefer list, easier to apply, is in Kramer's _Against Depression_.  This has 9 elements.  The big two being anhedonia (unable to enjoy things that normally you do) and thoughts of self-harm.  Since you mention being happy at times, the first doesn't seem a strong candidate, but it's a balance question --if most of the things that you normally enjoy no longer bring that feeling, then it's towards anhedonia.  I say big two because Kramer's description is that to be depression (in sense of major depressive disorder), you need to have at least one of them, most of the time, for at least two weeks.  I don't recall the entire rest of the list, but it includes things like disrupted sleep, destabilized weight (either gaining or losing significantly, without intending to), ...

Depression is a distinctly different thing than just feeling down.  The usual problem is for someone who is depressed to get treated by friends and family as if they're just down, thence told to cheer up and such.  The opposite is possible, so it could be that your comment your grandmother picked up on was just being down, rather than depressed.  But, again, probably a good idea to check it out more thoroughly.

Quote from: birkin on March 26, 2014, 05:21:52 AM
I'd like to echo what others have said. Therapy can be good...can be. Lol. I used to get discouraged because I never found a therapist who just "got me" and knew how to get through to me. Finally I did and it honestly changed my life so much. Sometimes you need medication for depression in addition to therapy, but the skills they can teach you to make life feel a bit better are invaluable.

I guess I got real lucky as to a therapist... I almost feel as though she is just a girlfriend and we are spending the time chatting. All the while receiving guidance from her in the process. She has become quite a good friend in the process, and genuinely cares about my well being.

Hi Caysee

HUGS