In a previous post I mentioned considering taking estrogen hormones. While I definantly am thinking about (and would cry and become depressed if someone told me outright it would never happen) I have completely decided it on it, not by a long shot.
Like every other group I've ever considered myself a part of, I feel like a fake. Let me start by saying if you had asked me about being transgendered of Friday, I would have considered you crazy. You see it all began Saturday afternoon. I went on a sex chat room originally out of pure curiosity. I pretended to be a girl. And I found myself loving speaking to guys as a woman, especially sexually. I don't even find men attractive much, but I love the idea of having a man have sex with me vaginally and me making him ejuclate. Sorry for being a bit profane...
Anyways I decided I wanted to cam with guys in a sexual manner, and to be able to list my gender as female I would tell them I was a woman in a man's body. I really did not know about ->-bleeped-<- much. But upon some brief research, I was stunned.
I could become a woman. In my mind this had never even been an option. I thought the only male-to-female transition possible were vaginoplasty and breast implants, my image of that was very poor, I thought even if that happened I would still look like a man, and that it was astronomically expensive.
Then I saw something I found beautiful. I went on Youtube and saw people's transitition videos from male-to-female. Men who looked know more feminine than me, taking estrogen for a length of time and becoming beautiful women. I felt a strange feeling of hope and peacefullness inside of me.
I've always had extremely low self-confidence. I dropped out of high school and haven't been able to go back for my grade 12 yet because of huge amounts of stress I put on myself. I have been diagnosed with OCD which all stems for a hatred of who I am. I NEVER feel like I fit in, I always feel like I'm the odd man out.
Well I honestly started thinking of what if I had that done, and maybe later a vaginoplasty. It was on my mind all night, as I had a sleepless one. Thinking about if felt like ectasy to me. I felt like parts of my personality that I've always hid would be free to display. I imagined the things I wanted to do that I now could. I felt beautiful, which was shocking because I've always felt so ugly.
But I feel like a fake. Why? Well for two reasons:
1. I never felt like this before. Two full days ago I considered myself 100% male, a feminine guy but a guy none the less. This came so suddenly that it feels like I'm just looking for an escape from my misery, not that I'm actually transgendered.
2. I still don't feel quite like a woman. Obviously I've had so long identifying as male that it's not easy to break the society influences of my personality, but I still don't feel outright like a woman. I guess I'm almost feeling like maybe I just want to be transgender, that I really am a man on the inside to but just want to be a woman.
Help me please, I'm so overwhelmed. ->-bleeped-<- has brought a new sense of hope to my life, but I feel like it's fake and just wishful thinking of my part. I know I want to be female, but am I truly one on the inside? And how could I come to all this in about 40 hours (quite literally cause I've had very little sleep the last couple nights)?

Hopeful cutie, prior to May, 2005, I thought that I was 100% male. The crazy urge to try on my wife's skirt came to mind. For days I resisted the urge until finally I said 'let's do this and the feeling will pass'. I tried on a skirt, a blouse, a bra and a dress. The wheel was set in motion where my life be changed forever.

All my life I felt that I was different, but never knew why. It was later that I came out as a cross dresser. A short time later, I realized that my feelings ran much deeper than clothing. I did some research and discover the word 'transgender'. Immediately, the work connected with me. 

There are some resources here that can help. See if you can find a gender therapist to help you sort things out.

 

I wouldn't worry about feeling like a fake, you only came to your deeper understanding of your gender literally yesterday. For the majority of trans* people this is only the very first step on an extremely long journey. A lot of us (myself included) worry at first that we might be cakes or frauds, that we would never pass as our preferable gender. More steps! Like I say, you've only just come to this realisation, don't slam the door on it without at least exploring the possibilities. Find a good gender counsellor and have a chat with them as a way forward. They should hopefully help you come to a better understanding of yourself, the issues, the possibilities.

Quote from: Ms Grace on March 17, 2014, 02:52:08 PM
A lot of us (myself included) worry at first that we might be cakes...

Quite rightly so, at least in my case...I'd much rather be a pie (preferably a cutie pie)!

Best typo ever!

I feel like a (f)cake sometimes but as more time passes, the less I feel that way. I still have a lot of doubts and such but I feel more and more like this is right.

Well, I never knew that you could be transgender unless you already felt like you are a gender different to your sex, and I thought it was that typical, "I feel trapped in my own body" thing. So I never considered the possibility that I was transgender, but I asked people anyway because I was confused, and a LOT of them felt like I'd felt. For me, I never really had any 'signs' that I was transgender, it's just something I came to realise.

As for not feeling like a girl, that's normal for some; you've gone your whole life not questioning it, so whereas with some people, it's always been there, with others, it's a gradual realisation.

It takes time though, don't take estrogen unless you're sure. If you're comfortable with it, explore your gender identity. Like, for me, I started wearing a binder and whatnot (I'm FTM), and even that was enough to make me feel better about myself. You can take small steps and see if you feel like it's something you want to explore further. If it is, think it through on where you want to go from there. If not, no big deal; doesn't mean you're a fake, just means you've figured out who you are and what you want to do or don't want to do.

Some possibilities that you might like to consider:

Could you be gender non-binary? E.g. Your brain could be partly male and partly female?

Could this imagining yourself as a female be a form of escapism? You said: "I've always had extremely low self-confidence", I heard a description of a man that hated himself but found that dressing and passing as a woman allowed him/her to escape being the the person he/she hated. By being someone else, anyone else, his/her self esteem was boosted. (Please note, I don't intend this suggestion to be a criticism, just an idea.)

I've thought that these thoughts my be an escape, but the thing is the thought of being another man doesn't feel freeing at all to me.

One of my biggest early clues to who I am was the fact that I never seemed to fit in anywhere - the same feeling you have.

I would suggest that you think about seeing a therapist to help you sort these feelings out and see what they mean.

If you're really trans, it won't go away. I thought it was a 'phase' and it'd go away, but it did not. I had so much trouble understanding and accepting myself. So if you're unsure, know that most of us still are...

About your chatroom encounters, I think I have something to share.

99 to a 100% of my dreams and fantasies are gay. I always thought it was 'just fantasy', and i'm not really 'gay', but after years and years of denial, I realized I'm not really attracted to women at all, I just want to be like them, look like them, and I felt like them. When I look at pics of women, I only look at them because I want to be them? I'm 100% sure i'm not into women.

QuoteI pretended to be a girl. And I found myself loving speaking to guys as a woman, especially sexually. I don't even find men attractive much, but I love the idea of having a man have sex with me vaginally and me making him ejuclate.

I sometimes do the same things, and I feel the same too, so you're not alone. Except the part about not finding men attractive, I'm not really into guys faces, but I'm into their bodies. I finally came to an undesirable conclusion one day, not only would I feel happier if i was a girl, but I also feel like a 'straight woman in a guy's body'.

I'm not saying it's the case with you, but my mind finds it so hard to accept i'm attracted to men. Like if someone were to use some kind of magic wand on me and turn me into a woman, my mind would have no problem accepting I'm into men. I've never heard of anyone else with this kind of issue.

I still feel like I'm faking this for attention or escapism.  But it won't go away for me.

Quote from: RobinGee on March 26, 2014, 02:05:15 PM
I still feel like I'm faking this for attention or escapism.  But it won't go away for me.

I am with the others on this a good Therapist with gender experience can help you determine if this escapism or Dysphoria. I for one do not think you are faking at all or attempting to get attention. I had these feelings myself and doubts daily, but between myself and my Therapist we discovered transition was not only desired, but necessary in my case. The very first day I presented as female was also the LAST day the world ever saw the male me. I have not looked back and my overall health has skyrocketed straight up. I am no longer depressed, irritable and no longer have to take 12 meds a day, just HRT. My physical body has responded so well I feel 15-20 years younger. Pm if you ever want to talk.

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on March 26, 2014, 02:15:56 PM
The very first day I presented as female was also the LAST day the world ever saw the male me.

Ok funny (of-topic story), was at therapist yesterday and she asked if I ever thought about going there as female, and my first thought was OMG Jessica did that ONCE and never went back LOL! I was like eeeeeek!, cuz I'm soooo not ready for that yet..(being 0% passable yet). I just thought it was kinda funny.

Quote from: LivingTheDream on March 26, 2014, 02:54:01 PM
Ok funny (of-topic story), was at therapist yesterday and she asked if I ever thought about going there as female, and my first thought was OMG Jessica did that ONCE and never went back LOL! I was like eeeeeek!, cuz I'm soooo not ready for that yet..(being 0% passable yet). I just thought it was kinda funny.

I wasn't passable either baby, but once in that skirt and heels OMG! It was more addictive than Dr. Pepper or Cheetos!*giggle* I felt alive for the first time in my life even forgetting my trans label a few times.

I've barely started anything tho haha