Not much of a choice for me either.  Suicide is simply not an option, ever, for me, so that was totally shut down.  Drinking is not an option I have been sober for decades and am a highly respected AA member.  So for me the brain went into a dark place of total overload finally resulting in me reaching out to the docs for hormones, getting my letter, taking counciling.  But first I called my best friend and told him, expecting rejection which would have resulted in me completely cracking up.  He did not reject.  He remains my best friend and a prayer partner.

I was ready and willing to be kicked out of the house, find a hotel room in a lousy area, and start looking for companionship in the bars like I did at 18, dressed under my clothes then, incredibly drunk, looking for anyone that would pick me up in the gay disco whether male or female.  Get blitzed drunk, add pot if arround, and get laid... every night for years.  I used to pass out before I got laid and it probably saved my life.

So long before I hit the wall at 55 I had already hit the wall.  I fought this dysphoria as hard as anyone could, and the result was that it utterly crushed me.

My choices?  Accept it, or allow my mind to completely and totally shut down in the worst possible breakdown imaginable.

Now, on hormones, with expert shrink help, with an understanding or at least trying to understand wife, living stealth male albeit uncomfortably but its always been that way anyway, and sharing here on Susans with you - and you are precious to me, believe me,
I have a large measure of peace and freedom.  Hormones have made a huge difference for me.  I remember driving early on and realizing I was actually experiencing Happiness.   Not driven happiness, it was wow thats a nice field and the colors look cool happiness that comes from someplace other than escapism or horsepower or compulsive behaviours.

My option on testosterone is madness.  Agony.  Now the journey of self acceptance, embracing, seeing the person in the mirror that is me and not something else, honest feelings, breathing deep to release tension and actually feel my very female nerve endings, not repressing, not getting sick over it, not forced to race to forget the pain, not having to prove anything to anyone, being more valuable to those fighting booze, reaching out to the street people... restoring others.  There are a host of reasons for me to be trans.

Did I have a choice?  To be healthy, or to be very, very sick.  Now, I am healthy.  A little nervous, a little raw, and extremely vulnerable - and thank you girls for not being judgemental about me living stealth socially male in spite of my very female wiring - this is where I am now.

So reality is, no.  I did not have a choice and based on the options, I was destined from birth for this crisis and this moment.

Quote from: Satinjoy on March 27, 2014, 06:43:05 PM
Not much of a choice for me either.  Suicide is simply not an option, ever, for me, so that was totally shut down.  Drinking is not an option I have been sober for decades and am a highly respected AA member.  So for me the brain went into a dark place of total overload finally resulting in me reaching out to the docs for hormones, getting my letter, taking counciling.  But first I called my best friend and told him, expecting rejection which would have resulted in me completely cracking up.  He did not reject.  He remains my best friend and a prayer partner.

I was ready and willing to be kicked out of the house, find a hotel room in a lousy area, and start looking for companionship in the bars like I did at 18, dressed under my clothes then, incredibly drunk, looking for anyone that would pick me up in the gay disco whether male or female.  Get blitzed drunk, add pot if arround, and get laid... every night for years.  I used to pass out before I got laid and it probably saved my life.

So long before I hit the wall at 55 I had already hit the wall.  I fought this dysphoria as hard as anyone could, and the result was that it utterly crushed me.

My choices?  Accept it, or allow my mind to completely and totally shut down in the worst possible breakdown imaginable.

Now, on hormones, with expert shrink help, with an understanding or at least trying to understand wife, living stealth male albeit uncomfortably but its always been that way anyway, and sharing here on Susans with you - and you are precious to me, believe me,
I have a large measure of peace and freedom.  Hormones have made a huge difference for me.  I remember driving early on and realizing I was actually experiencing Happiness.   Not driven happiness, it was wow thats a nice field and the colors look cool happiness that comes from someplace other than escapism or horsepower or compulsive behaviours.

My option on testosterone is madness.  Agony.  Now the journey of self acceptance, embracing, seeing the person in the mirror that is me and not something else, honest feelings, breathing deep to release tension and actually feel my very female nerve endings, not repressing, not getting sick over it, not forced to race to forget the pain, not having to prove anything to anyone, being more valuable to those fighting booze, reaching out to the street people... restoring others.  There are a host of reasons for me to be trans.

Did I have a choice?  To be healthy, or to be very, very sick.  Now, I am healthy.  A little nervous, a little raw, and extremely vulnerable - and thank you girls for not being judgemental about me living stealth socially male in spite of my very female wiring - this is where I am now.

So reality is, no.  I did not have a choice and based on the options, I was destined from birth for this crisis and this moment.

it seems your not alone

Not anymore, my dear

Satinjoy - Apart from a few extra years behind me, I am in the exact same place as you are. It can be hard, but I so love my wife.

"Did we have a choice?"

I thought I did until I didn't.

I was definitely at do or die. That's part of what brought me ignore my ex's ultimatums, I was transitioning, with or without, or not moving on at all.

I simply had no choice. The last bout of depression before I began living full time as me nearly took my life for the second time. If it weren't for a tennant of mine coming home early, realizing something was wrong, and calling 911 I wouldn't be here typing this. I couldn't pass as male anymore, only female. So after I recovered it was time to live as me full time. It then took me quite a while to find a Family Practitioner that would actually help me and my wonderful Endo. Though I did initially start my hrt DIY, I'm now on prescription hrt meds and being monitored. No more thoughts of ending my life have crossed my mind as it looks like my insurance will pay for my SRS after the recommended time on hrt, and, it will also pay for VFS and a tracheal shave even though I don't have much of an adams apple (I have to tilt my head a certain way for it to show.). So these days I'm a very happy girl, happier than I've ever been in my life, And now-a-days I see the girl I'm supposed to have been/be in the mirror, instead of an effeminate pretender.

I hate to echo others here, but the only choice was transition or die. I probably would be dead by now had I not taken that first step. I'm about 60%-85% done with transitioning until I go full time though. At least there's light at the end of the tunnel for me now.

Hi,

For many of us  of cause not.  think about Suicide   you have two live or die, its when your close to dieing and i have been 66 years ago well a bit  more than that then you count every day a blessing , yes iv been in the is this life really worth the struggle .

I know what its like , and i have the advantage of being an intersexed female, still had and have issues to get through,

so no choise for myself and i knew at age 10 i would be a woman , well a girl at that time,

plus i had to go through a lot of issues tobe able to go through what i did, so it was not time wasted in fact had it not been for that i more likely would not be here, i have become a very strong woman , trust me you have too

I'v been able to grow into ..... become a woman in my own right, a bit different of cause, yet still a woman with out a doubt,

I did not chose to be a female or woman how i was born dictated that, all i had to do was at the apointed time grow as i should be, an intersexed female by birth and a woman by growing into one , it did not make my life easyer fact was i had issues  and still do just i had to skirt around them , and it takes time yet you get there .

...noeleena...

Ultimately, I did have a choice.

But that choice was either to stay as a self that I was miserable with, hated seeing in the mirror every single day, and barely had any social life because social interactions drained me so much, or to live as a happy woman. Yes, I could have stayed male. But I would have spent my entire life living in a state of melancholy, wondering what could have been, feeling cheated out of the happiness that others take for granted. Again, I could have done it. It just wouldn't have been a very enjoyable existence.

So yes, it is a choice. It always is. But it's rarely much of a choice.

Quote from: Carrie Liz on March 28, 2014, 12:50:44 AM
Ultimately, I did have a choice.

But that choice was either to stay as a self that I was miserable with, hated seeing in the mirror every single day, and barely had any social life because social interactions drained me so much, or to live as a happy woman. Yes, I could have stayed male. But I would have spent my entire life living in a state of melancholy, wondering what could have been, feeling cheated out of the happiness that others take for granted. Again, I could have done it. It just wouldn't have been a very enjoyable existence.

So yes, it is a choice. It always is. But it's rarely much of a choice.

well said dear

A choice? No, there was never a choice. All I managed to do from the time I realised I was a girl until the time I became that woman was delay the inevitable, painfully. Pain for me and pain for others.

Well, there was a choice.. A choice I tried to take, more than once.. I'm still here, so I guess it wansn't really a choice for me either.

Not really a choice.

Probably just like everyone else I knew at a very young age that I was different, but it was a different time and there wasn't much information available.

I started playing music  and met lots of people with really good drugs, I think the drugs kinda helped me not have to face reality. In my twenty's I cleaned my life up (no drink or drugs) and the dysphoria really hit. By the time I was in my mid 40's I knew I couldn't continue but I still refused to accept what I was. Finally at 48 I was able to accept that I was transexual, and CHOSE to live. I transitioned at 50, and I wish I could have continued the way things were, but I couldn't. I am now more at ease with myself than I have ever been in my life.  No regrets, I wish I had been able to do this earlier, but like I said it was a different time then.

Quote from: dkl on March 30, 2014, 05:34:54 PM
Not really a choice.

Probably just like everyone else I knew at a very young age that I was different, but it was a different time and there wasn't much information available.

I started playing music  and met lots of people with really good drugs, I think the drugs kinda helped me not have to face reality. In my twenty's I cleaned my life up (no drink or drugs) and the dysphoria really hit. By the time I was in my mid 40's I knew I couldn't continue but I still refused to accept what I was. Finally at 48 I was able to accept that I was transexual, and CHOSE to live. I transitioned at 50, and I wish I could have continued the way things were, but I couldn't. I am now more at ease with myself than I have ever been in my life.  No regrets, I wish I had been able to do this earlier, but like I said it was a different time then.

kind of a photo copy of my life

Really no choice for me. I've always been a girl since early childhood & still am after all these years living with a male body. Physically I have not made enough improvements however I still continue to try. So no choice here.

Quote from: dkl on March 30, 2014, 05:34:54 PM
Not really a choice.

Probably just like everyone else I knew at a very young age that I was different, but it was a different time and there wasn't much information available.

I started playing music  and met lots of people with really good drugs, I think the drugs kinda helped me not have to face reality. In my twenty's I cleaned my life up (no drink or drugs) and the dysphoria really hit. By the time I was in my mid 40's I knew I couldn't continue but I still refused to accept what I was. Finally at 48 I was able to accept that I was transexual, and CHOSE to live. I transitioned at 50, and I wish I could have continued the way things were, but I couldn't. I am now more at ease with myself than I have ever been in my life.  No regrets, I wish I had been able to do this earlier, but like I said it was a different time then.

This is almost an echo of my situation which is said better here than in my earlier post. I also knew at a young age I was different and liked girl things. I'm xxy so I've always looked more like a girl than a guy. I'm 49 and will be 50 this Halloween DKL, and if that's your photo in your Avatar you give me much hope. Glad to hear you have no regrets. I don't either and look forward to my SRS after a reasonable time on hrt.

I'm not fond of absolutes, yet I don't know if happiness or self comfort will ever be obtainable for me.  In a sense, I feel that life as male would lead me to a miserable existence where I would constantly feel trapped and be suffering, which I still feel at this moment, but at the same time life as a transwoman is full of adversity and complications.  PErhaps it's my lack of experience and the fact that I'm still stuck in a dark tunnel looking for the light, but I don't know if happiness either way is an option (for me, not saying anyone else).  So, in a sense, I feel compelled to transition and in order to gain some peace of mind that I desperately lack, but I don't know if that's a good thing and it certainly wasn't a decision made without heavy emotions dictating my path.  It just feels like it's a part of my destiny that I really don't have much of a say over.  It just is what it is and I've got to accept that.  Therefore, I really don't see it as a choice because it doesn't feel like I have one. I may be unhappy as male and desire to live as female, but I never ever wanted to live as a transwoman either.  It's something I've tried changing my entire life, but it's who and what I am regardless.  If I had a say in the matter or could have made a change, I would have avoided transitioning or being seen as trans like the plague.  I suppose that's why I still struggle so much making each necessary step even though they are needed. 

I tried to deny it as long as possible, but eventually, I just asked myself why I was denying myself happiness. When my dysphoria got strong, it was a point of no return. It was either transition or die, and I'm sure as heck not gonna die cause I like life too much, so I didn't care what I had to do, I just needed to transition. So nope, no choice here.

"There is but one truly serious philosophical problem, and that is whether or not to commit suicide." -- Albert Camus

And is that certainly a sad truth. My life has been a series of attempted distractions and attempts to balm the mental wounds I insisted upon inflicting upon myself in an attempt to hide the truth. I threw myself into academia, hobbies, anime, reading -any form of mental distraction. Free time was an enemy - "alone in the dark with nothing but your thoughts, time can draw out like a blade" and that blade would quickly cut the mask I was wearing, desperately trying to hide the woman within. Eventually I got used to the frenetic pace of living and more adept at hiding myself. I became a regular Moist Von Lipwig, and my great con was convincing everyone around me - even myself, of my masculinity.

If not for the soothing balm of the woman I love and feel privileged to call my wife, life would have been completely unbearable. She brought sweetness to my life that I had never seen before and had convinced myself I was unworthy of. But ultimately, even through the 10 years of joy she has given me, or rather because of it, I allowed the mask to slowly crumble. I felt comfortable enough to let just a little bit of myself out until burying two friends in one week shattered the illusion completely.

Now I'm walking towards a new possibility, one full of hope and the promise of a glorious tomorrow, but it may cost me everything I hold dear. My wife encouraged me to go to therapy in the first place and has been Virgil to my Dante in my quest for womanhood, guiding my first nervous steps into a new life. I always sincerely believed she would be with be beyond the journey but the physical manifestations of femininity may be too much for her to deal with in a spouse. It has become a serious issue of contention as of late and I am afraid I'm coming to yet another crossroad.

So as I continue to proceed forward, I am struck with a terrifying thought. My death would solve everyone's problems... My wife could bury her husband - content in the knowing she stood by him till the end. My mother could bury her son and his memory would never be tarnished with the cursed woman that insisted she was her daughter... My faith tells me I can't do it,  but I keep thinking the macabre thought that my death would free them all.

Ultimately the hope that my fulfillment will make me a better spouse and and human being keeps me going. I choose to try everyday to keep the affections of my wife and strive to build a future we can both be proud of. I choose to hope. It may be myopic, but hope is my key to pushing towards tomorrow with an open heart and a serene mind.

So in all brevity, we all have a choice. Sometimes none of our options are good, and all the paths that follow them are painful, but we have to make them. We have to stand by them with fierce courage and fight on. Life or death. Hope or Despair. The choice is ultimately ours.

I tried so hard to just "forget" about it.  I figured out I was a transsexual at 14.
It's like holding your breath, everyone can do it but eventually you have to come up for air or you die.

Around 27-28, I started realizing I needed to do it, but each year just passed and I felt that much more worse.  So finely I found how to obtain drugs from the interwebs, I started a suicide mission.  I figured, ether I'll live and be happy, or die trying.
Nine months later, I have a psychologist who is really helping me deal with things, and I'm finely happy.