Quote from: Jessica15 on March 31, 2014, 12:16:30 AM
ZumbaGirl, great post.  Your pre-transition behavior sounds all too common.  Very courageous of you to actually do something about it back in the early days of the "net".


I also worry about it making my life worse.  Like I said in my original post, aside from this gender issue, my life is pretty simple and that's the way I like it.  But at the same time, many people have confirmed what I suspected...brushing this issue back under the rug usually doesn't work.  It's scary to think this might just become more and more progressive until eventually there's no other option but to transition.  Then I'll probably be cursing at myself for not having done it when I was younger (now).

Exactly

Quote from: Jessica15 on March 31, 2014, 12:16:30 AM
I also worry about it making my life worse.  Like I said in my original post, aside from this gender issue, my life is pretty simple and that's the way I like it.  But at the same time, many people have confirmed what I suspected...brushing this issue back under the rug usually doesn't work.  It's scary to think this might just become more and more progressive until eventually there's no other option but to transition.  Then I'll probably be cursing at myself for not having done it when I was younger (now).

I can't say I have a major regret over not transitioning back in my 20's. I have no doubt my life would have been far far worse. I was far from mature and emotionally prepared for handling it. And things were a LOT more hostile towards us in the late 70's early 80's. Essentially if you could not pass 100% and be deep stealth, well.... you sure couldn't be just like any other woman. Today I know if I come to that fork in the road, I will take it. Not run away like I did back then

Quote from: Jessica15 on March 29, 2014, 01:12:38 AM
Fast forward to 3 weeks ago.  I had been looking at some very inspirational blogs on tumblr and watching MtF before-and-after inspiration videos on youtube and that just put me over the edge.  I lost it.  21 years of suppressed feelings erupted!  Suddenly this dyshoria has been consuming every waking thought in my head for the last 3 weeks.  I haven't been sleeping well.  I wake up at 3am and can't fall back to sleep because this is all I can think about.  I've been spending full days sitting in front of the computer researching everything I can on the transition process.

But then reality starts to set in...

I don't want to be just any regular girl. I want to be the beautiful girl that turns heads and wows.  I want to be Jenna Talackova.  I want to be like those girls on youtube that transitioned very early in life and now look better than a lot of genetic females.  But at age 33, I know that's not possible, and that's a low, depressing feeling.  The other night I dug up my High School yearbook pictures and thought that if I had the guts to transition then, I think I would've been golden.  But then I went in the bathroom and stared at myself in the mirror and hated how much more masculine my face has become over the years since then.  I think I'd rather remain male than be unpassable.

Though I don't have any words of wisdom, I can say I am going through the exact same thing at this very moment. It all erupted for me over the last two weeks and sleep has become difficult, and staying motivated to work, etc. etc. It's really tough, and it's because, as you said, the decision is monumental, and the idea of being unpassable is so terrifying (for me). I understand what you mean about beauty, but I think for me it's about knowing you're feminine (because femininity is beautiful), and about blending in as a woman (thus being truly feminine, to match how you feel on the inside). Not clearly be 'a male in a dress' trying to pass (not that I'd probably wear dresses, unless they were really pretty ). I hope you start to regain some clarity, maybe by seeing a therapist? (that's what I'm planning on doing as soon as possible, as it's becoming tough to juggle this in my head all the time)

i don't really have any other advice but you need to find a way to make yourself happy, if transitioning will make you happy then go for it, but there are other options my therapist told me that there are some that are just confused about there gender and he knows im not though since ive felt this way since I was 6. I would do what I did and research about it first since that's what I did, I researched about transgender and transsexual to find out if I was really what I am today and came to find out that I am and I felt much more comfortable knowing that I am and I have no worries about myself since I'm a really strong person and can take whatever gets thrown at me back when I was younger it was harder to cope with it and I have used alcohol for this and antidepressants which messed me up a lot and even then I still wasn't happy because while I was on them I wanted to drink alcohol which I knew there was a problem I was I think 22 but at the time I didn't know something like this existed I knew I was different but couldn't put my finger on it since I knew nothing of it and actually at the time I didn't have a computer so really had no clue about it til I was 27 and then everything started to fit together. its not an easy thing by any means but just to be beautiful shouldn't be what you should be striving for. I'm not saying that I don't want to be because I do but then again all that attention is not good for myself and ive never really was the kind of person who craves for attention but at least if I look decent and pass as a woman then that's all is good for me, everyone has different standards and what they want in life, but the most thing is that you need to be happy and if you're not because you feel like the opposite gender then you should go to therapy and see what they say since it could be that you are transgendered, confused or a crossdresser but either way talking to someone about it will make you feel more comfortable and happy since you can finally get it off your chest and not hold it inside forever.

I would like to add a little bit more to my previous post. Irregardless of how my life would turn out, I couldn't stand living a double life and hating my life for what it was, unfullfilled. By the time I got into therapy I was already transitioning (popping illegal hormones, doing electrolysis, growing out my hair and getting myself in top shape for the physical changes to come). There was no going back for me. I decided to cross the bridge and burn it behind me, not because I was afraid I would de-transition, but as a show of defiance that there was only one way to go. The only thing therapy did for me was helping with the legal aspect of the transition, name and gender changes and of course those letters and recommendations. So basically by the time I got to the point of finding a therapist my mind was already made up.

Now whatever works for you is your solution. I like many others had to sacrifice some things and a few setbacks, but in the end, it doesn't seem like much. I learned to not only make lifes lemonade but I found out in the process I loved doing it. If one walks into this knowing that it takes a plan A and a plan B, money, time and a lot of effort, and keeping your head screwed on straight, then you can also come out the other end whole as well. In some cases it may mean walking away from people in your life, maybe close people, forever. I haven't talked to my parents in almost 20 years now, we are basically strangers. It's sad, but that's the way it has to be.

Like I said in my original post, you only get out what you put in. I wouldn't trade being a 100% female, 100% of the time for anything. There is just no price I can put on it.

Quote from: Jessica15 on March 29, 2014, 01:12:38 AM
I don't know if I'm transgender or still just a crossdresser going through a rough patch.

I've been crossdressing for nearly 21 years...I'm 33 now.  Throughout the years I thought it was just a fetish.  Sure, I occasionally fantasized about waking up female, but those thoughts were always short lived.  5 minutes later I'd move on and it was business as usual in my life.  The idea of being a transsexual seemed so extreme, so far out there that I never really considered it a realistic possibility.

Fast forward to 3 weeks ago.  I had been looking at some very inspirational blogs on tumblr and watching MtF before-and-after inspiration videos on youtube and that just put me over the edge.  I lost it.  21 years of suppressed feelings erupted!  Suddenly this dyshoria has been consuming every waking thought in my head for the last 3 weeks.  I haven't been sleeping well.  I wake up at 3am and can't fall back to sleep because this is all I can think about.  I've been spending full days sitting in front of the computer researching everything I can on the transition process.

But then reality starts to set in...

I don't want to be just any regular girl. I want to be the beautiful girl that turns heads and wows.  I want to be Jenna Talackova.  I want to be like those girls on youtube that transitioned very early in life and now look better than a lot of genetic females.  But at age 33, I know that's not possible, and that's a low, depressing feeling.  The other night I dug up my High School yearbook pictures and thought that if I had the guts to transition then, I think I would've been golden.  But then I went in the bathroom and stared at myself in the mirror and hated how much more masculine my face has become over the years since then.  I think I'd rather remain male than be unpassable.

Additionally, transitioning seems like such a long, difficult, expensive, awkward, embarrassing, painful, and challenging process!  Hundreds of hours getting painful electrolysis.  Therapy sessions, Countless other doctor visits.  Months spent trying sometimes unsuccessfully to develop a female voice.  Awkwardness at work - fear of getting laid off and being unable to find a new job because you can't pass yet.  The list goes on and on.  I should probably also mention that I'm unemployed, broke, and living with my parents again.  So yeah, I probably couldn't do this even if I wanted to.

I just don't know what to do.  I keep having all these conflicting feelings about whether or not to transition.  One minute I want to do it, then the next I feel discouraged again.  Part of me just wants to sweep this back under the rug and hope for the best going forward.  Because right now my life right now is pretty simple.  Obviously not perfect because of this whole gender identity issue, but up until 3 weeks ago, the crossdressing thing seemed like a suitable band-aid solution that was working.

I know I should probably see a gender therapist, but being unemployed even makes that a challenge.  *sigh*

Well.....................33 too old, hmmmm, let me think as I was 43 when I attempted my failed departure from this world and then simply couldn't go on in status quo.
You are still young given not as fresh as 18 year old but then not as old as some who transition well.

Who doesn't want to be a runway model, but then, do you wanna be an image of, or a real thing, just as any woman out there, chances are you will be beautiful in your own way.

CrossDressing is Transgender, but it may or may not be Transsexual.

Therapy is a foundation of figuring out your SELF, without it you shall be lost in the world of ifs. Therapy with Transgender fluent therapist only as others may actually make it worst. Most therapist work on the sliding scale, so if you make nothing they should charge a very minimum hourly pay, they are there to save lives, look for one who will accept your offer.
My PHD psychologist charged $75/hour, but due to my circumstances she took $45/hour, and in the process saved my life!!!

And final note, when I started at age 44 I knew that the outcome may never get close to innate looking woman, given the reality of my hyper masculinity, body building past, and height of 6'1", I only dreamed of the day I would walk the walk.
But I never stopped dreaming, and now after only 4 years, reality had surpassed even the most wild dreams.
Given I had an FFS with a master of face feminization, I not only work, interact, and being seen as a native to female gender, but I also model, yes, model as a woman.

Do not give in to the reality which surrounds you, YOU are the one who makes reality, and dreams are the thoughts which if persevered, turn into such reality.

But don't be fooled, pain and anguish will become your daily companion, and to come out beautiful and whole, you first must walk straight into hells gates with hope of surviving this voyage to emerge on the other side.