This may be long and boring, a lot of these thoughts I have not voiced anywhere.

FYI I've not started the transition process, I'm still trying to get to know who I am and where I want to go. Better to ask these questions now and take a slow pace than to jump into something before knowing that this is where I need to go. I just wanted to get this out, to a group that will hopefully understand and give me a bit of perspective.

I'm confused because I don't know if I've gone through this like most guys. I've always been a tom boy, but didn't have that sense of being a man trapped in a woman's body, at least not overwhelmingly. I think this is because now I'm focusing more on myself and how I see myself that this is becoming more apparent to me. I've spent a lot of time in my head rather than in the real world up until the past few years. I don't know if anyone else has done this, but since I was young, I always had "crushes," though instead of dreaming about being with them, I was them. I never really noticed that this was strange until recently. And I hadn't noticed that these guys look a lot like me until a friend mentioned that I could be related to a crush with how similar we looked. I'm currently cringing at how this is coming out, but can't think of a better way to phrase this.  This difficult for me to externalize. I'm working on being more open to my thoughts and dreams, and trying not to hold back because of not wanting to let those I love down. This is a hard thing to get over. So I guess this post, the research I've been doing and opening up are my first timid steps...

I wish I could get out more of what I've been thinking and feeling but I guess this covers a little bit, so I'll roll with that for a bit.

Thanks for reading. I'm glad I could get some of this out.

Thoughts? Comments?

Quote from: Osiris on August 16, 2007, 04:00:29 PM
This may be long and boring, a lot of these thoughts I have not voiced anywhere.

FYI I've not started the transition process, I'm still trying to get to know who I am and where I want to go. Better to ask these questions now and take a slow pace than to jump into something before knowing that this is where I need to go. I just wanted to get this out, to a group that will hopefully understand and give me a bit of perspective.

I'm confused because I don't know if I've gone through this like most guys. I've always been a tom boy, but didn't have that sense of being a man trapped in a woman's body, at least not overwhelmingly. I think this is because now I'm focusing more on myself and how I see myself that this is becoming more apparent to me. I've spent a lot of time in my head rather than in the real world up until the past few years. I don't know if anyone else has done this, but since I was young, I always had "crushes," though instead of dreaming about being with them, I was them. I never really noticed that this was strange until recently. And I hadn't noticed that these guys look a lot like me until a friend mentioned that I could be related to a crush with how similar we looked. I'm currently cringing at how this is coming out, but can't think of a better way to phrase this.  This difficult for me to externalize. I'm working on being more open to my thoughts and dreams, and trying not to hold back because of not wanting to let those I love down. This is a hard thing to get over. So I guess this post, the research I've been doing and opening up are my first timid steps...

I wish I could get out more of what I've been thinking and feeling but I guess this covers a little bit, so I'll roll with that for a bit.

Thanks for reading. I'm glad I could get some of this out.

Thoughts? Comments?

Try not to be surprised or confused by some of these 'weird' thoughts, Osiris - they're actually pretty normal. (Or at least as 'normal' as anything in this wide, wide world!    )

It can be really difficult for us to recognize male behavior since we weren't brought up as male.  We're just cruising along, doing 'what feels natural', until one day, what we're doing is pointed out as being more of a 'guy thing'...

If it helps, everyone in my junior and senior high schools (grades 7 and up), figured things out WAY before I did... and even when I started putting together some of the pieces of the puzzle, it still took years to make the additional step from butch dyke to transman. 

When the pieces start falling together, it's easy to slap yourself on the forehead and go "Duh!", but it's really not a big duh... it's just finally being able to see through the clouds of gender madness that our culture forces down our throats.

Don't kick yourself for the past, man... just smile and carry on!   
Take it easy, and Welcome to Susan's - we can always use more guys here. 

Scott

Welcome to Susans Osiris!

Reading this kind of confused me abit... I read this and didn't understand or couldn't work out whether or not you are FTM or simply a crossdresser.... lets just say I am abit confused! when you talked about dreaming and crushing and finding out it was yourself..... that was the par that confused me the most.... anyone.. else can figure this out....!?!?

I get it, Jaston. It means thinking you're attracted to someone then realizing that it's because you wish you were them, not because you wish you were with them. Pretty common thing.

And I think Osiris is confused as well and not ready to label himself anything. He's still exploring his feelings.

Dennis

Thanks Dennis... that pretty cleared it up for me!

Osiris--

What you described--an attraction to males who look like oneself--is similar to what I went through several years ago.  It was definitely something I stifled when I was trying on the label of 'lesbian,' except I never did like how that word implied that I was a <i>female</i> who prefers females (I liked 'gay' better... seemed more manly somehow ).  I never really had a sexual attraction to males, but in any sort of fantasy involving girls... there was always a male present.  I knew for certain I wasn't the girl in those fantasies, but it still took a long while for me to understand just who the guy actually was.

Quote from: Eryk on August 19, 2007, 06:34:43 PM
Osiris--

It was definitely something I stifled when I was trying on the label of 'lesbian,' except I never did like how that word implied that I was a <i>female</i> who prefers females (I liked 'gay' better... seemed more manly somehow ).

Eryk

I went through that.... Damn I was confused...