I'm not sure if this is the right section, if there is a better fitting place for this, moderators please feel free to move it.

Anyways, down to the matter at hand. A bit ( actually a lot ) of background info... I'm 18 years old, mtf, pre-everything, into my last quarter of high school and then I graduate. I've known I was transgender since the beginning of middle school, and have been wanting to transition for some time now. The problem is, no one really knows, I have one friend whom I have told, and although she is accepting, she doesn't really understand what it's like and getting advice/supporting ideas from her can be difficult.

I have a great fear of telling people, mainly my parents; strangers I'm not so afraid of, because being trans will give me an advantage into seeing how people really are when I meet them and will lead to more truthful friendships. Looking back at how I handled the situation when I was younger, I regret not having the courage to tell my parents at a younger age when I was still in middle school. I've masked my emotions for the entirety of my teenage years and I realize now that that was a mistake. I know my parents will be caught completely off guard, because I've done a very good job of hiding myself from them... from everyone. I've decided that shortly after I graduate, I would like to finally begin my transition. I will find a doctor that offers hormones on informed consent and just begin my journey.

Unfortunately that in itself is not an easy task, though I can take hormones for a few months without anyone really noticing, I know that I will have to confront my parents about it eventually, in doing so, it is very likely I will be given an ultimatum, stop transition, or move out ( they are right wing, religious, anti-LGBT individuals ). The problem is I don't have anywhere to go. I can't afford even a studio apartment by myself. I applied to 8 different universities hoping that I could get into at least one and be able to just dorm life it for 4 years, but I was denied to all 8 universities. This leaves me with very few options. I know that I must continue my education so I don't have to work minimum wage jobs the rest of my life, so I would like to go to community college. But transition is honestly my priority, I've been putting it off and putting it off, and I'm not going to put it off for another 2 years.

So I'm in a bad situation. There isn't a point in me waiting, I want to be happy. I'm not happy right now. I refuse to spend two more years in sadness, getting more and more masculine, making it harder and harder for me to pass. I'd rather die than do that. ( Don't worry, I'm not saying I'm going to, I'm just saying it's a part of my thought process that I can't avoid, so many of us can't... ) So what can I do?...



I guess I will list out my questions in a little more organized fashion, since they were a little vague in my rant:

1) Should I begin transition once I graduate, even if I risk losing my home/family?

2) If I begin transition, I would do informed consent, since I already know I'm trans and money is tight, I would like to skip over therapy and move right onto the matter at hand. Is there anyone reading this who happens to know of a trans-friendly doctor who prescribes hormones on informed consent in southern California?

3) If I become homeless and/or lose my ability to pay/go to college, what can I do? If anyone has been in this situation or has any ideas, is there any advice or information that you could give me?

4) Any particular way I can make this easier on my family ( and in doing so, myself as well ) to understand and possibly even gain their support? Any experience or advice from those who have unsupportive families, or had at the beginning an unsupportive family, please share.

5) Any extra advice for a teen who is going to soon have to make a decision that will change her life and send her down a road that she wishes she didn't have to take but knows she has to in order to survive?


I know that was probably a lot of rambling and was a bit unorganized, but if any of you have advice you could give me, I would greatly appreciate it. Thanks.

~ Zoey

Zoey,

Your situation reminds me of where I was two years ago. First of all, congratulations-you've already taken great strides in that you know what you want!  I hope that I can offer some useful advice; I realize that this has become the cliche of all cliches; but it does actually get better, especially if you have a well-thought plan.

Nobody can tell you whether or not to transition.  I know that I literally couldn't wait another day after I graduated from high school, and I immediately went full time the day I left home.  If you feel the same way, than certainly, it's worth considering.  Whether risking homelessness is worthwhile is a decision only you can make.  Given your family situation, it might help to try and test the waters.  Talk vaguely about "a friend", or present in a slightly more feminine way, and see how they react.  I took the risk without knowing how my parents would respond, and though my parents have actually come around this past year, it was very touch-and-go for a while.  Anyone who has experienced displacement and homelessness, especially someone who is transgender, can tell you that it's very hard to get back out of it.  I've been very fortunate that I never really lost all of my support.  Not everyone is so lucky, and it's very difficult to survive on your own.

Therapy is usually expensive, but I cannot even begin to tell you how invaluable it can be, even if this person won't help you acquire hormones.  One possibility would be to see someone with your parent's knowledge if they'd be willing to support you in that endeavor, and not to tell them what you're discussing with the therapist.  Perhaps this makes me a tad conservative, but I think that everyone should speak with a therapist before transitioning .  I don't know southern California at all, but I do know that a number of LGBT health centers in New York (my humble little home) offer low-cost, scaled pay therapists who would be more than happy to help you start hormones.  Perhaps a counterpart exists near where you live.

I think you're facing a hard decision: Frankly, if I knew I would have to choose between an education and transition, in retrospect I would probably have chosen education, just because it becomes incredibly difficult to do later in life, even more so than transitioning.  I'm very happy I never had to make that choice, and I'm disgusted that anyone ever has too.  One possibility would be to try and begin transitioning quietly, presenting as female only part-time, until you can get away from home.  I actually have a close friend who did just that during his year at a community college; when he transferred to a 4-year school, he went full-time and is doing quite well.  This is really a worst-case scenario, but if you're sure that you have no chance of gaining your family's acceptance, it's always an option.  While the prospect of keeping a secret like this scared the hell out of me, it gave me a lot of breathing room while I was still exploring my identity, and I think waiting to come out to everyone might be a worthwhile prospect if it gives you some security.

If I'm reading this correctly, it sounds like you haven't really met many other LGBT people before.  When I was just first taking my first steps, I went to an LGBT youth conference (with a change of clothes in my bag, as I was depending on my father for a ride).  I met one of my best friends there, and it gave me a chance to just be myself in front of a community of people who were loving, accepting, and just downright fantastic.  Plus, I met a drag queen who landed me a job that ultimately gave me the portfolio I needed to get into a top theatre school as a costume designer. But my point is this-if you can, find a community center, or a conference, or just a circle of friends.  Take the bus, or hitch a ride...but do whatever you can to find a group like this!  The prospect of transitioning became so, so much easier once I made friends who were doing the exact things that I was at the exact same time.  It will really make a huge difference.

I hope my late-night ramblings don't seem too incomprehensible.  I hope that things turn out well for you, and if you have any other questions, feel free to post here, or PM me-it's almost amazing how much your story sounds like mine (right down to the initial college rejections, I fear!) and I really hope that your story meets a happy ending.

Best of wishes,
Sasha

Quote from: Zoey Elizabeth on March 31, 2014, 11:33:27 PM
I guess I will list out my questions in a little more organized fashion, since they were a little vague in my rant:

1) Should I begin transition once I graduate, even if I risk losing my home/family?

2) If I begin transition, I would do informed consent, since I already know I'm trans and money is tight, I would like to skip over therapy and move right onto the matter at hand. Is there anyone reading this who happens to know of a trans-friendly doctor who prescribes hormones on informed consent in southern California?

3) If I become homeless and/or lose my ability to pay/go to college, what can I do? If anyone has been in this situation or has any ideas, is there any advice or information that you could give me?

4) Any particular way I can make this easier on my family ( and in doing so, myself as well ) to understand and possibly even gain their support? Any experience or advice from those who have unsupportive families, or had at the beginning an unsupportive family, please share.

5) Any extra advice for a teen who is going to soon have to make a decision that will change her life and send her down a road that she wishes she didn't have to take but knows she has to in order to survive?


I know that was probably a lot of rambling and was a bit unorganized, but if any of you have advice you could give me, I would greatly appreciate it. Thanks.

~ Zoey

1. Transition is very hard and I would finish my education as soon as possible. That should be your first priority as a good job and the related income will be necessary. Transition is very expensive.
2. Informed Consent is not as easy as people think it is. You have to know the WPATH Standards of Care thoroughly if you are going to convince a medical specialist to start HRT this way. You have to convince them you know the procedures, medications, effects, warning sign and many other things. Informed consent means you know everything about HRT to the point they don't have to explain it. I would recommend Therapy because they pave the way for HRT if you are even diagnosed with Gender Dysphoria. You will have to have one anyway (2) for letters for SRS.
3. You will be stuck without a good fall back plan.
4. A good Therapist will help you with this crucial step. More people will accept your transition if you follow the proper steps. A Therapist can equip you with the skills to come out easier by providing tips and suggestions. Sometimes if you have a medical provider on your side verifying gender Dysphoria acceptance could be a little easier as it is a medical diagnosis that can be treated successfully.
5. The only advice I can give is to find a good Therapist and continue your education. You will need a good job to pay for transition related cost's as they are not covered by most insurers. Someone the other day listed a total cost of transition from start to Post Op as around $50,000 or more. SRS alone can run $23,000. This is why education and a good job are essential.