I was talking to a friend/coworker a few days ago who knows what's going on with me and I commented that there was so much to think about. I'd just recently been reading a thread here so I mentioned, "well, how we coworkers react if I start using the men's room". And I could see it in her face. She hadn't really gotten it before but now she did. Me too. If I transition it will change our relationship.

And then today I got to talk with my best friend. She lives about a 1,000 miles away. She asked what's new and I gave her an update on my hand and said nothing else. And we were just laughing and joking and being the way we've been for the last 20+ years.  And I don't think I can deal. That's the only, stable, long term relationship I've ever had in my life. And she's not the most open minded person and I don't know if she could handle me transitioning and even if she could, our relationship would be different.

And I keep reading here about people saying how bad their life has been pre-transition. And talking about their anxiety and stuff like that. And maybe I'm just a fake. I can't say that. Not that my life has been great but I guess I've basically spent all my life surviving and recovering from the abuse I've experience and dealing with other messed up stuff. And now, for the first time, my life is actually stable and I am trying to F it all up again. And my T says it's because things are finally safe enough for me to deal with it now, which is why all this has come to the surface.

And I look at posts here of guys who have flat chests and have male builds and I want it so bad but I think I'm too much of a wuss. I finally have stability. And my best friend... what if she can't deal? She's my family. She family that actually accepts me and doesn't abuse me or use me and we've share the last few decades together. I'm "auntie" to her 16 year old daughter. How can I risk all that? I've live 43 years like this I can live another 43.  Yeah my reflection is never right and don't identify as female but so what. Yeah, I hate my body but I've always hated my body so what's the big deal.

And when I first started reading I was actually thinking how I was sort of lucky I don't have family, so I don't have that issue with transition but I do, it's just a family of choice. And I have amazing friends and several of them treat me like family but for me, I always know I'm not really family. And I suppose they might disagree, but I just can't get that feeling out of my heart. And I've said more than I meant to and this is stupid and whiny. ugh

I don't know if you have one or not, but a good Therapist could help a lot with this issue. They are worth their weight in gold and do more than just listen. It sounds to me personally this is the time to find one. Transition is very hard and it doesn't hurt to have a non biased opinion on things. They could help you determine if transition is right for you or suggest alternative treatments that could bring you peace of mind. Good luck.

thanks jessica

I do have a therapist. I actually have a 2 hour session schedule for tomorrow. I probably shouldn't have posted this and just waited to talk to her

That is what we are here for. If you have a concern NEVER hesitate to post on it. Maybe talking to one of us can help ease the tension of tomorrow, so ask, vent or rant whenever you need to, OK? You are family an family listens to each other. PM if you want to talk about this more.

What I can say is that my friend of 15 years never batted an eyelash. My relationship hasn't changed in the slightest with her. If anything, when I told her she said "okay. Oh hey, you are not gonna believe what my nephew did today..." Literally, that was it. I don't know the ins and outs of your relationship, but I was scared to lose my friend. I don't think she could care less.

My best friend I knew since I was 12, I lived with her in college, so when we graduated and I recently came out to her, I was nervous as could be, we went out for lunch and my hairs short and im dressed like a dude, but she didn't really bat an eyelash cause I always been tomboyish lol She knew I broke up with my ex but not really why, so were going through lunch talking about everything except what I wanted to tell her, finally we get the bill and i just go so your my friend no matter what, she looks at me and goes o boy, what is it, of course, so then I go into well you know how I was put on birth control to even out my hormone levels cause I wasn't getting my monthly friend every month, she goes yeah, I go well what if by the summer I went to a doctor to increase those hormones, she goes estrogen? I go no the testosterone, soon as I said it, its like she got it, she goes omg what is your name going to be, can I shave your facial hair, omg I can look at you without feeling guilty when your body looks like a guy, you should start hitting that gym now, lets do this now, I'm excited. Seriously I did not expect her to be that way. If your really good friends with this chick, she should love you enough to not leave and be there to be supportive, you might just have to explain it (yes I was asked the, so are you going to have a penis question).

Far as some guys having the flat chest and looking masculine, if you didn't have the surgery yet, binders do amazing things lol Binders make me look flat, and some guys are just lucky to look more masculine then others, but T will straighten that all out, it just takes time, patience is a virtue in this case lol

You're not a wuss at all, it's only natural to worry. I pretty much know where you come from. Last week, I told one of my best friends (who's quite an old-fashioned Irish girl) over Whatsapp about it. She is now in Ireland (in the middle of nowhere with no proper Skype connection) and I was too scared to call even though she offered to as well. So I chickened out and just told her on Whatsapp, fearing the worst. But she was incredibly understanding. I knew she didn't fake it since it took her a couple of minutes (which felt like forever) to finally say that one sentence I really needed to read: "I am happy as long as you are happy". But that only came after "Wow!", "You scared me, eejit!" and "I certainly didn't see that coming!".  But soon enough she  joked and said she wonders if she'd fancy me as a boy and if it'd be too weird now for her to be my "best woman" at my wedding (she always joked about that since I fell in love with my girlfriend).

I am actually planning to tell another good friend tonight, this time on Skype... I am still very nervous as some of my friends have known me as I am for so many years. But I suppose if they're such good friends, we must give them a chance. Have a little faith in them.

If you ever need to talk, I am here.

you guys are so awesome. between your posts and talking to my therapist I'm calmer. My therapist pointed out that I'm happier now that I'm working on transitioning and she's right. I am. She also pointed out that even though I'm saying that I can't do this I keep moving forward on transition.

I kind of want to tell my best friend right now. That way I can quit worrying about her reaction. I kind of want to wait until.. I don't know.

Quote from: tomboy on April 03, 2014, 12:29:30 AM
you guys are so awesome. between your posts and talking to my therapist I'm calmer. My therapist pointed out that I'm happier now that I'm working on transitioning and she's right. I am. She also pointed out that even though I'm saying that I can't do this I keep moving forward on transition.

I kind of want to tell my best friend right now. That way I can quit worrying about her reaction. I kind of want to wait until.. I don't know.

I'm really glad to read you feel better about it. You should always look at it positively since you are here and you are looking forward to transitioning. That means something. I told my friend yesterday who found it a little hard at first. I think she was uncomfortable in a way and that got me a bit down. I suppose it doesn't always go smoothly. She did later send me a message saying it took her a little while to digest the news but that she completely supports me and that meant a lot.

I guess what I am trying to say is that it's worth taking it one step at a time. I first told somebody I knew really well and sort of trusted to not hate me then moved to somebody who is less close but still matters...

If you feel you need to wait then don't worry about it. I think once you're ready to share you will. I did.

I told my childhood best friend and I wondered how she would react. Initially, she was like "ok, well, that's great and I support you but you will always be *girlname* to me." It seems that later she reconsidered because she started using the new name and got over it. Her mother was equally supportive. Actually, she said to my friend "....honestly, I thought it was going to be you who told me you were a lesbian or transgender." LOL.

If people care for you, they will support you. Even if they are weird at first, they will come around because they will realize that you are important to them and they want you to b happy.

I'm not sure why you think your relationship with these people would automatically change.....

I had a lot (well medium) of friends pre-transition, and good friends too.  We get along literally exactly the same as beforehand.  The only thing that has changed is the normal kind of things that change.. Things that come from not seeing each other every day anymore as people get busy with work (or school).  During/after transition though things were/are business as normal. 

Your best friends aren't going to all of a sudden hate you, or treat you entirely differently.  For me it just meant instead of doing drugs together in the bathroom we had to go out to the car. =p

you all make sense and yesterday I was thinking I'd tell her today. Today, not so sure. I know I'm being stupid and I should just do it.