- am an ftm. My lover of 13 years has decided she cannot be with someone who identifies as a man. We just got married this past summer. This just came up 2 weeks ago and it really took a lot out of me. She stays on her phone constantly texting "someone". I love her with all my heart but she now stays very distant from me.  I have not started any transition yet but have talked about it lately. She use ti be caring but now she is cold and distant. I have always been ther for her. She is. Everything to me. She says she loves me but I think she wants to eventually leave and give up on us. What to do?

How long ago did you come out to her?

That sounds pretty rough and I feel for you.

Honestly, you need to do what's right for you. If you suppress your feelings just to be with her you may:

1. Feel resentment towards her.
2. End up even more upset (not being your true self)

Also...there is no guarantee she'll still be with you (regardless of what choice you make) < Not trying to sound negative but it is the truth. Don't hang on to something that is not there.

If you feel it is not working [like literally gone past the point of no return] you may as well both end it amicably. Don't try and work on something that is clearly never going to work....In the same breath maybe you two could sit down and talk about it all? Let her come to terms with it and also for you to understand where she is coming from?

- Never, ever, ever, ever, ever live your life for someone else. Do what makes you happy...if transitioning is where you want to be then get working on it

I wish you all the best - quote me if you need anything.

Wow I had a situation like that recently. It was scary just to read it. I had gotten married to my partner of seven years last year in June and last week she was being distant, always on her phone texting, and she would become agitated when I even mentioned my transition. First thing you need to address is the feeling of infidelity in the relationship. Facing it head on was how I found out that she had been cheating on me. When everything came to light we had a sit down conversation and put all of our cards down on the table. She had expressed to me how she was finding it hard to be with me because of the transition. I'm not on hormones yet, but she fears that I will change completely. So I explained what will happen with the physical transition. Second I found out that it was because my attention had been focused on work and not her. So it's also good to see if there are other reasons as well for her being distant. Try re-evaluating the situation your in and the relationship. Find out both of your guys' needs and wants from each other and see if there is a way to rebuild the relationship. If not it is time to move on. This is the advice I can give from my experience and I am now in the rebuilding part. If you need any more advice or someone to talk to feel free to message me. Hope this helped.

Quote from: HumanBeing on March 30, 2014, 04:00:51 PM
That sounds pretty rough and I feel for you.

Honestly, you need to do what's right for you. If you suppress your feelings just to be with her you may:

1. Feel resentment towards her.
2. End up even more upset (not being your true self)

Also...there is no guarantee she'll still be with you (regardless of what choice you make) <           Not trying to sound negative but it is the truth. Don't hang on to something that is not there.

If you feel it is not working [like literally gone past the point of no return] you may as well both end it amicably. Don't try and work on something that is clearly never going to work....In the same breath maybe you two could sit down and talk about it all? Let her come to terms with it and also for you to understand where she is coming from?

- Never, ever, ever, ever, ever live your life for someone else. Do what makes you happy...if transitioning is where you want to be then get working on it

I wish you all the best - quote me if you need anything.

.      Thank you. This is very rough on me. She said that she stuggled with her lesbian feeling and only wants women now. 13 years, just got married in !oston this past summer which she arranged, now she decides all this is not for her and she resents anything masculine now. All I can do is listen to all this. It makes now sense like I do not even seem like she is the same person. I think she has found a lesbian interest through friends or on line. Thank you all again. I am truly lost on this and it hurts.                                                                                                               

Quote from: wheat thins are delicious on March 30, 2014, 03:29:57 PM
How long ago did you come out to her?

she has known about me being FTM 13 years ago. I told her th first week we startes seeing eachother and explained it over several times when we started getting serious our first year together. 13 years into it know this? She told me yesterday that I have been getting more masculine and she wants only lesbian women now and resents maculinity. Really, I am not making this up. I have not changed. I am still the same just older. I have not started any transition. I put us first. We have a home and just a lot of stuff together. It is just a mess and such a disappointment. Thought I had found the woman that would be with me forever. Such a blow.

Quote from: tap13 on March 31, 2014, 04:54:04 AM
.      Thank you. This is very rough on me. She said that she stuggled with her lesbian feeling and only wants women now. 13 years, just got married in !oston this past summer which she arranged, now she decides all this is not for her and she resents anything masculine now. All I can do is listen to all this. It makes now sense like I do not even seem like she is the same person. I think she has found a lesbian interest through friends or on line. Thank you all again. I am truly lost on this and it hurts.                                                                                                             

You're welcome, anytime!

It will hurt for a bit and hopefully when this is all sorted out you will be happy and stronger for it.
It is pretty bad to be talking to/engaging in other 'interests' while with someone but don't blame yourself for that, it's not your fault.
You've been honest which is very admirable and obviously given the situation you two are, unfortunately, no longer compatible.

tap13---it sounds incredibly rough. I was in a 9 year relationship with someone who didn't want me to transition so I didn't. I sacrificed myself for her.

She did have multiple affairs while we were together. It was sort of devastating each time but I stuck it out with her. The stress of it all wasn't worth it in the end because she ended up leaving me. 

She ended up with a cisman.

I know it's hard to imagine surviving without her but you are having some red flags. It sounds like it's time to sit down with her and put your cards on the table. I was afraid to do it for fear she would leave so I never did.

In the end it didn't matter what I did or didn't do because she was planning on leaving. I hope your wife isn't planning on leaving but there are some definite red flags.

That is super rough.  Unbelievably so, but there is only so much she can do too.  Maybe she could have tried to be more honest with herself, and you, over the past 13 years?  At this point though, she is is a lesbian and you're becoming a man.  Thus she is no longer attracted to you.  Maybe she was able to tell herself "oh yea, your name is FTM, is male, is whatever, but I love his body ect." because you had more female attributes.  Now that you're more male its just not clicking for her brain anymore, and she wants to get with a lady. 

I really can't explain it if you haven't started hormones or whatever though.  After 13 years I think she'd be used to your ways.  Thats beyond me.  Maybe she just wants out and the FTM thing is a good excuse?  (not trying to make you feel worse here, just trying to understand or present other possibilities). 

Quote from: HumanBeing on March 30, 2014, 04:00:51 PM
That sounds pretty rough and I feel for you.

Honestly, you need to do what's right for you. If you suppress your feelings just to be with her you may:

1. Feel resentment towards her.
2. End up even more upset (not being your true self)

Also...there is no guarantee she'll still be with you (regardless of what choice you make) < Not trying to sound negative but it is the truth. Don't hang on to something that is not there. Thank all of you. I can only say this is the wierdest thing I have ever been through. Get this, she says she loves me and does not want me to leave. Yet in the same breath she says NOW that she resents anything masculine. That would include me.  These are the words I told her- if being masculine is all that bad then I guess providing a nice home, would protect her at all cost, caring, giving, never been abusive, always support her then I guess all of that is not enough. This woman planned our marriage inBoston at my beloved Red Sox Fenway Park- just this past June. We had a recetion at our home this past October with about 30 people including her family. It was all very nice and I was so proud. She cried and told me she loved me so much when we opened a gift that was some artwork that said "you are my happy" given to us by a friend. We did start seeing one of her friends from work who is a lesbian along with her girlfriend. That was back in Feb. From about that time on that is when it all got weird. I have tried to talk and she gets defensive. She is on the phone texting so much. I got our phone bill and her constabt texting and calling is to one number. No I have not called it. I am not going to. I had to put away all of our wedding stuff this past weekend. It huit too much to see our baseball bat from Fenway Park that was engraved with our names and wedding date. I could go on and on. She says that I have gottin too "mascukine the past few years and it has put distance between us. The same woman who planned a wedding just about 8 months ago as a surprise. I was so proud that day. Me, the masculine one cried during the ceremony I was so happy. Well, I have now made my first doctoe's visit for April 16. It is witha doctor who specializes in transgender folks like me. I have also made appt with an FTM support group and counseling. I have asked her if she wouid like to attend. All I get is a maybe. She is cold and distant. Then she'll say she loves me but cannot be with me in an intimate way. No, I am not making this up. It is like I am with another person. Yes, it hurts but since my first post I am getting pretty tired of all this. I am a sap and still love her. I am not known as a quitter but this is getting stranger by the day. I have offered to leave and she can move in whoever it is she keeps texting. She says she has no one "lined up." She also sys she wants to support me. If this is support I donakt think ihis kind is healthy. With the house and all "the stuff" people accumulate after 13 years I told her I would not leave her witha financial burden. I am just not that kind of person. I have offered to sell the house.then she says she does not want that. It as if I am in an awful nightmare and cannot wake up. She was never like this before and something has changed her. All my friends say I am the same ol' Pat I have always been. Now all I get is that she wants to be with women and not anyone like a man. She even told me it would be like me being married to a man. I told her that is insane  because I have always been true to my feelings and open and honest. That remark was not necessary.

If you feel it is not working [like literally gone past the point of no return] you may as well both end it amicably. Don't try and work on something that is clearly never going to work....In the same breath maybe you two could sit down and talk about it all? Let her come to terms with it and also for you to understand where she is coming from?

- Never, ever, ever, ever, ever live your life for someone else. Do what makes you happy...if transitioning is where you want to be then get working on it

I wish you all the best - quote me if you need anything.

Quote from: tap13 on March 31, 2014, 10:20:31 PM

It has only gotten stranger around here. She now wants me sleeping in the front room. She said distancing her from me helps her cope. She now says she resents anything masculine.  Funny we officially got married 8 months ago. I have not changed or have done anything wrong but respect her wishes. I have offered counseling which I have started with Ftm support groups. I am pretty sure she has a lesbian love interest. Way to much testing and taking phone with her all over the house, like she will miss some message or something. I am told to wait until after her big test at work on April 24 then we can talk. She said this is too distracting of a subject for her right now. It is like I don't even know her anymore.

Quote from: GnomeKid on March 31, 2014, 07:04:32 PM
That is super rough.  Unbelievably so, but there is only so much she can do too.  Maybe she could have tried to be more honest with herself, and you, over the past 13 years?  At this point though, she is is a lesbian and you're becoming a man.  Thus she is no longer attracted to you.  Maybe she was able to tell herself "oh yea, your name is FTM, is male, is whatever, but I love his body ect." because you had more female attributes.  Now that you're more male its just not clicking for her brain anymore, and she wants to get with a lady. 

I really can't explain it if you haven't started hormones or whatever though.  After 13 years I think she'd be used to your ways.  Thats beyond me.  Maybe she just wants out and the FTM thing is a good excuse?  (not trying to make you feel worse here, just trying to understand or present other possibilities).

Yes it is rough and just confusing. Read my other post. It is just getting stranger by the day. I love her but it is not healthy to live like this. I am a happy, positive person. I only want the best for her and me. That is. What makes it rough. I still care for her. I have offered counseling and just get a "we'll see.". It is like a bad dream.

Quote from: GnomeKid on March 31, 2014, 07:04:32 PM
That is super rough.  Unbelievably so, but there is only so much she can do too.  Maybe she could have tried to be more honest with herself, and you, over the past 13 years?  At this point though, she is is a lesbian and you're becoming a man.  Thus she is no longer attracted to you.  Maybe she was able to tell herself "oh yea, your name is FTM, is male, is whatever, but I love his body ect." because you had more female attributes.  Now that you're more male its just not clicking for her brain anymore, and she wants to get with a lady. 

I really can't explain it if you haven't started hormones or whatever though.  After 13 years I think she'd be used to your ways.  Thats beyond me.  Maybe she just wants out and the FTM thing is a good excuse?  (not trying to make you feel worse here, just trying to understand or present other possibilities).



Yes, it is odd. Not really sure at this point what is going on. I think she has someone she has been talking with. I just take it one day at a time. She says she wants to be supportive but desires feminine lesbian. She says has grown distant because of this and has tried to surpress her feelings. Funny we got officially married 8 months ago. I also think it was due to intimacy issues. She said she could not touch me the way she wanted and I approached her in a manly way. I have always been respectful and tried to be patient. When one gets turned down or criticized one tends to shy away. Just want her to be happy. I will respect whatever she chooses. Just need to get house and finances taken care of between us. When I bring that up she says she doesn't understand why we cannot keep the house and live together? Sorry, that is just not healthy. I want us to get counseling but she is a big maybe on that. It is tiring me out trying to figure all this mess out.

Quote from: tap13 on March 31, 2014, 10:20:31 PM

That's good, something for you to look forward to 16th isn't too far away now

Without trying to sound bad I think you need to do what is best for you from now on. She seems like she has mentally moved on and is not trying. Seems like she is giving you conflicting messages. I think you genuinely just need to sit her down and both of you be totally honest with each other so you can work out a plan to move forward.

I don't want to ruin the positive vibe in this thread but we know you'll be the same person and you know you'll be the same person but if she is lesbian then to her you being a man won't be of any interest to her. I know you two have known each other for years, many, many years. I believe you said you've always been masculine? She's got you sleeping in the living room and I know it's only been 8 months since you've been married. I think for her she was able to cope with a masculine 'female' but anything else is a no go for her. I'm not saying to stop trying with her but if you emotionally invest too much time and she just keeps rejecting your offerings it will make you feel worse so don't put yourself under too much stress.

I hope the support group and doctors visit goes well for you, I am sure it will!

Thanks Chad. I am just waiting for her to get this big test over. She does not. Want to talk much about it now. I have got to get the house etc... In order. I caannot live like this even though for some reason she thinks we can. Prorbaly embarresed ref. Her folks and friends finding out about this sudden flip. She has someone. No proof but that is probably why I now stay in the front room and she is out of sight in the other one. I checked phone usage and she is talking and texting one number night and day. I am going to my appts. And waiting for the 24th. No excuses on her part then. Thanks to all for the help and support.

Pat

Most welcome!

That's a shame man, I feel for you. Yeah I guess some people's reaction is wondering how they will cope with other people knowing etc. At the end of the day you are who you are and it is a shame that it has got to this point. At least you know where you stand now and what you need to do in order to move forward so with time it will get better. Especially after your appointments etc.

Quote from: tap13 on April 07, 2014, 04:30:47 PM
Thanks Chad. I am just waiting for her to get this big test over. She does not. Want to talk much about it now. I have got to get the house etc... In order. I caannot live like this even though for some reason she thinks we can. Prorbaly embarresed ref. Her folks and friends finding out about this sudden flip. She has someone. No proof but that is probably why I now stay in the front room and she is out of sight in the other one. I checked phone usage and she is talking and texting one number night and day. I am going to my appts. And waiting for the 24th. No excuses on her part then. Thanks to all for the help and support.

Pat

I think you should directly ask her if she is having an affair with this person.  You two have been together a long time.  It is bullcrap for you to have to wait until the 24th to let you know where she is with all of this.  It would be different if she wasn't having what appears to be at best an emotional affair going on and really had to focus on work/test.  If the test/work was her number one priority, she wouldn't have the time to be on the phone like this.

She owes you more than this.  You have given her many years of your life.  It is not fair to make you wait like this.

It seems like she is using the 24th date as a way to stall the process of having a real conversation as to what is happening with her.

You have given her A LOT of room.  I think it is time to confront her.

Thank you-Brett. Your wors are very true. Yup, it is bullcrap. Here I sit right now in the front bedroom she is back in ours. Think she wants it like this so she can text and converse with whoever this is. I see ons of text and call to a number her locally and some nunber in Austin. I also saw a florist in Austin, tx witha page that had flower arrangements that were listes as romantic or "I'm in love". Who knows what that is for. I don't know of anyone we know who lives there.  She must think I am stupid. I advised her of this and tp please be honest about this. For some reason she thinks I would not notice or that I am dumb. She knows we are both stuck in this house we built and are paying for. Told her I want to sell it and will not live here like this. It is not healthy. How in the hell does she think that would even be possible??   Know I am crazy but she has got to be out of her mind. What kind of ****** up deal is that?  "I love you and want to support you through all of this." And the famous " you need to be happy with yourself before you can be happy and in love with someone else.". Well, I am happy with myself.. Just need some "tweaking" as I call it. I think I am a good person and usually pretty upbeat. I was or thought I was happy to have a woman in my life who loved me and would stand by me as I have her. So I guess right now I am not that cheery. Who would be. Really this is nightmare. This is not the person I fell in love with.  I will have to stay here until the house etc.. Is settled on. My parents and friends say to get an attorney now. Probably not bad advice. Thank you for your real words Brett.

Pat

Sorry for typos. On phone and keyboard is small. Thank you all again for the replies. I have to vent. Glad I found this site. I would not widh this on anyone.. This ordeal I am going through. I'm am sure it is rough on her. Did ask her how she would feel if I were seeing another woman and she replied that she would not like to see that. Odd isn't it?  Again, thanks for all the advice and words. Know I will be stronger from all this. It will take sometime.

Pat

Just don't let the little bitch take half your stuff.