Hi ladies; this is a long time coming, my being here, or at least my finally seeking help. I'm experiencing some pretty severe dysphoria right now, in-fact, I have been for the last year or so. I've been suffering for the majority of my life now and, as time drags on, things only seem to get worse. Anyway, here are a few pics of me dressed, and one of my male face. Let me know what you think. I know it's mileage may vary; but just give me an idea of whether you think I could pass well enough following through with everything. I'd be aiming for full time/passable in about three years...
I recently turned 26 (I could pass for 18-26) and since childhood have been totally hiding my feelings. Recently I came out to my mother, sister, and a few other family members (the ones who matter). Actually, I've been horribly depressed and a bit suicidal over the last few months, so it kind of came out that I was trans through my venting. I've shocked everybody. I tried to appear "normal" as a kid. I read comic books, played video games, and was great at baseball. I don't really have any friends, sad I know. In high school I was very popular, but since then I've kind of withdrawn, quietly wandered through college and work. It's a shame. I'm really friend-worthy IMO. My family seems to want me to just get help. They'd support me, or not fully abandon me at least - but how relationships would truly be affected, I don't know.
I've known deep down, not so deep down actually, that I wanted to be female since around five years old, at least I had a feeling. I remember watching Power Rangers, looking ordinary to my parents, while wanting to be the pink ranger inside. Wanting to be the female characters within media outlets was, and is, a pattern that persists strongly still. I wasn't so sure of what I was feeling at that age, once I hit middle school I began to realize that I wanted to be female, but I didn't know how and was scared to tell anyone. Once high school hit I relegated those feelings to "no way you could ever be a woman... just ignore it." I remember being 19, sitting in a college class, and getting so depressed looking at all the young women that I got up, left, and had to fight back the tears as I walked down the hall. I was upset at that moment because it hit me - I was fully grown, maybe there was a chance, but I guess it's gone. I'm now angry that I didn't begin transitioning then, afraid that if I don't now, I'll be writing of this moment in 7 years.
The thing that bothers me the most is that I'm so conflicted while at the same time knowing exactly what I want. I want to be a woman. I'm just not sure if I'm transitionable. I began going out for rides en femme about a year ago, this turned up the dysphoria. I realized for the first time in my life that I could maybe pass as a woman, maybe even well, despite what I'd always seen as being impossible. I got a mono-filament lace-front wig (not the best, but OK) matching my hair color, make up, breast forms etc. I've been going out on Friday nights, prob about ten times now, and I'm fairly certain that I pass for what I'm doing. I don't feel that I can get out of the car yet, and that's what depresses me, but I drive through major city's, stop at red lights and look directly at people of all sorts and no one seems to think twice. I've had a number of men glaring at me and a college guy said "hello" in a playful type of way while sort of giving me a lustful look.
-I'm 6 feet tall at the most, sometimes I come out as about 5' 11" and 3/4". I'm aware that most models are about 5'9-6'0", and I think it's a lot more common than people realize to see a women 5'10" or taller, so height alone doesn't concern me.
-My hands are massive; they don't always look bad, but there huge - huge knuckles, couple screwed up looking joints, all bone, veins, long and wide. My fingers themselves are pretty slender and long, and I have the female digit ratio, it's really the veins that make them look super masculine.
-My chest cavity doesn't seem huge-huge, but I feel like it could be a problem - I'm a 38 bra band and I'm not so sure if I'd be possible for me to get much lower, 36 would feel great. I do have a decent amount of muscle on my back and under arms...
-I feel I have a decent face (nice, smooth skin too); I'm not sure, but I feel through hormones, electrolysis, and a little FFS you could make my face very female and attractive.
-I've lost a little hair, but I'd say I have more than enough to lower and feminize my hairline and totally thicken me up across, and that's without the potential thickening from hormones.
-My Adam's apple is there but I would't say it's prominent, could probably be totally shaved or very close.
-I'm sure my breasts wouldn't fully develop, and frankly I'd probably need to augment regardless, being my size. I'd probably go a size or two bigger than those forms in the pic, D or DD...
-I tend to be pretty lean. I'm essentially all muscle. I don't necessarily look it (which is good) and they aren't huge, but I'm all muscle. I have athletic shoulders, about 18", so not huge, but still bulky and strong looking. I'm very lean, but athletic looking. HRT should hopefully shrink my muscles a bit and soften the definition, that could do a lot for me. My trapezius muscle; neck and down the center of back, seems to have a good amount to lose. My legs are also pretty muscular, but not bulky. I feel that I could develop killer legs if my calves shrunk a bit...
-Bought a women's size 12 shoe and it doesn't stay on my foot, so I'd say I'm a 10 or 11, not bad for a woman of my height.
-I have the ability to drop and gain weight in a flash. I could easily drop down to 130, maybe even 125, before HRT then put on 40 or so while on, then maybe drop 10 or have the fat transferred from my male areas to female.
-I'd consider butt implants if I needed; I feel like having a fuller bottom would be important for me given my size.
-I'd want to have full bottom srs
-In that pic I'm about 155-160lbs, my waist is about 32". Hopefully, while on hormones, my waist would be an inch or two lower. When I'm about 140lbs its 28"-29".
-My voice isn't totally deep at all; I could probably develop it well enough, but part of me (I know the risks) would want vocal feminization...
I'm going to see a therapist and hopeful I'll be able to get into some sort of support group. I really need to sort this out. I'm realizing that I made a mistake in not realizing what I was earlier and I'm afraid that I can't fix things now. I know a lot of people will say it isn't about passing, but for me that's a big part for me, I'd like to at least not be an obvious ts. That's why I'm conflicted; I feel that I could potentially end up looking like an attractive + size model or a man with implants. Thanks in advance...
