The Half life of Uranium 238 is 736 million years. The half life of my self is 29 -- Shelley Jackson, Half Life: A Novel.
You should read it. it's about gender, aging , bitterness, bitterness about gender, bitterness about aging, all kind of fun genderey stuff. I started trainstioning at 29, stopped for reasons I care not to explain, restarted when i could at 30, and I think of my life this way: A half life. At least I'll have something, anything--I hope. I had a job once, it was a great job, a job that only women do (since I had to go to conferences and i was the only man there) but they prolly thought I was a lesbian since I looked like a lesbian pre-transtion. Well, I still kinda do, but not so much lately. I mean I really can't detranstion--to what? A half jill, half jack freak who constantly gets asked if they're a hermaphrodite? No thanks. My point is is that hopefully as you get older it will get better. I actually have no point other than to say read that book. It may help you.
I don't know though. Life could get worse. it really can. I know if I talked about detransitioning as much as you do my BF would be gone in a heart beat. If he could he'd chop my junk of himself. Though he really enjoyed it the other night and had to cover my mouth but now I'm just being disgusting and tmi. He even tested me just today and said how would you feel about ya know stop wearing all the women's clothes and makeup and trying to hide your breasts? And I said NO. NO. NO. And he said. Good answer. I worry sometimes bacuse you once metioned detransitioning. I'm really glad you feel that way and are certain of everything now. So I think he sometimes worries he is going too far with me, or went, and then I'm going to up and back out and rip his hear out or something. He nver says he loves me but you don't spend every secongd of half a week with someone and talk and text them constantly and <not allowed> them without a condom (or rawdrog it as he says) if ur not i love.
Really I felt this way when I was your age 9 years ago. Its still there but maybe I'm just numb. But yeah when I see commericals or new clips about wedding, and showers, and women having babaies, I cry...like pretty much eyes my turn into a facet. I can only read fashion mags now cause they just talk about fashion. I read about other stuff, like having babies, and I wanna die.
But I mean other than this and the suckiness of getting an older and being a woman, I mean there's really not much ya can do but deal. And take xanax. Momma's little helper. Seriously, have you consdiered yoga, i know it sounds corny, but it really helps me relax and calm down and i can be an emotional basket case. I'm sure it's been noted.
Hugs xoxoxoxo
