Let's see here, I'm just trying to make sense of it, and see if it makes sense to any one else

My dysphoria is low or nonexistent when I'm alone, in the comfort of my room, and tired or bored. It's also low when I'm angry at something, this is strange...

But then my discomfort shoots up when I go outside, I'm like 'oh boy, time to act tough', or when I'm in the company of my male friends and I have to pretend to enjoy their 'macho babble' or whatever, it's not that I don't enjoy their company sometimes, but a lot of their behavior doesn't make any sense to me whatsoever. When I have do physical stuff or argue with someone, I feel horrible too. I could be walking down the street casually, when suddenly i'm like "Oh my god, I have a beard shadow!"

It gets pretty bad when I see a girl just 'being a girl'. It's hard to explain. I notice every single girl that walks by me, I notice every little detail about their walk, their hair and stuff like that and realize how different I am from them (physically). It can make me pretty depressed.

My discomfort with my body reaches it's peak when I'm feeling 'sensual', this is when the disconnect between the mind and body feels immense. This happens pretty much every single morning (5 AM to 7 AM). To put it in words that make sense to me (probably only me), my mind has submissive thoughts (female), but my body reacts 'aggressively' (male) and I think 'stop doing that body! that's not how I want you to react!!' This is also the time of the day where I'm most expressive and comfortable expressing my inner feelings.

This was the time of the day I cross dressed for the very first time. This was also the time of the day I came out to my online friend, It's pretty significant to me, like my inner feelings just spill out, almost out of control. I've also noticed how different my PMs to other people are during this time of the day as opposed to PMs sent at other times of the day.

There's triggers everywhere, I could be fine one moment and feel horrible the very next.   

It's all so confusing, but fascinating at the same time I just spent a few days studying myself, I thought I did a good job..

I think it's always good to recongnize what triggers us and what leads to dysphoric thoughts.  One thing I wanted to note was that you don't have to pretend to macho with your friends.  If that's not you, there is no need to pretend.  You can still have male friends and relate with them without needing to adopt their habits.  No need to make yourself dysphoric and you may have a stronger friendship with the people in your life for it. 

MbutF, I relate completely. When I was home by myself I was generally fine but as soon as I went out I felt very self conscious about presenting as male, at work and other social situations it was seismic! Now I'm full time it's not an issue, how I feel at home is about equal to how I feel at work/socially.

You are not alone...

Its fine when you re just sitting alone in the pc or somethin , but when you have to go out and live and be perceived as a male...thats when dysphoria gets intense...

I remember that for me the worst dysphoria was when I was returing home after school etc...just looking at myself in the mirror and realising that im living a lie and there is nothing I can do about it...
I still get it sometimes...

Dysphoria pre hrt used to go off the charts when I was under stress.  Perhaps my sub conscious was telling me to get rid of the dysphoric stress which was always a continual noise and distraction.  At some level I knew that it could not be denied and knew that it could and should be addressed.  When it became uncontrollable I saw the therapist and the rest is history.

Aisla

Public places are also my trigger. I was just at Kmart earlier today and was checking out sunglasses when a few guys and a kid walked up and started looking at them too and I freaked out, feeling jealous and anxious. I'm paranoid right now going out since I don't feel I'm even close to passing but I'm afraid I'll be confronted because of this and that doesn't help my dysphoria at all.

I notice every male who walks by or I see. Everything about them. I feel like I don't fit in at all. I feel like I'm screwing up everything, like my body language and my voice seem to escape me and that I'll be outed or worse. I hate being stuck in the middle phase of things and just wish I would hurry up and have what I needed to look how I feel.

I agree that public places have more triggers - not that something can't trigger dysphoria at home, but its easier to avoind triggers when alone.

It gets pretty bad when I see a girl just 'being a girl'. It's hard to explain. I notice every single girl that walks by me, I notice every little detail about their walk, their hair and stuff like that and realize how different I am from them (physically). It can make me pretty depressed.

Yes, just walking by a girl acting normally can trigger strong dysphoria.  Something as simple as playing with her hair and I get feelings of ... jealousy?  Anger?   And sometimes I will find myself in this hyper-vigilant mode where I am noticing every movement, every nuance of speech that a certain woman is making.  When I'm in a meeting or in a conversation with that woman it can be quite strange.

I work at a college and there are days when I know that just walking down the hallway will be walking thru a sea of triggers.

Quote from: learningtolive on April 22, 2014, 04:12:18 PM
I think it's always good to recongnize what triggers us and what leads to dysphoric thoughts.  One thing I wanted to note was that you don't have to pretend to macho with your friends.  If that's not you, there is no need to pretend.  You can still have male friends and relate with them without needing to adopt their habits.  No need to make yourself dysphoric and you may have a stronger friendship with the people in your life for it.

I wish I could tell my younger self this, all the ridiculous macho stuff I did, just to gain their acceptance.  . Now I'm a lot better, If I don't like something, I say it. I have a few true friends who know me for what I am, they might not know what's going on inside my head, but they know I'm a sensitive person, and they respect it.

Quote from: FalsePrincess on April 22, 2014, 04:55:13 PM
You are not alone...

Its fine when you re just sitting alone in the pc or somethin , but when you have to go out and live and be perceived as a male...thats when dysphoria gets intense...

I remember that for me the worst dysphoria was when I was returing home after school etc...just looking at myself in the mirror and realising that im living a lie and there is nothing I can do about it...
I still get it sometimes...

I got rid of all mirrors in my bed room, lol, I'm serious After a hard day of 'acting' I come home and I see my reflection in the mirror, and it almost seems like it's mocking me. A constant reminder of my shortcomings in a way.

Quote from: Hex on April 22, 2014, 05:05:16 PM
Public places are also my trigger. I was just at Kmart earlier today and was checking out sunglasses when a few guys and a kid walked up and started looking at them too and I freaked out, feeling jealous and anxious. I'm paranoid right now going out since I don't feel I'm even close to passing but I'm afraid I'll be confronted because of this and that doesn't help my dysphoria at all.

I notice every male who walks by or I see. Everything about them. I feel like I don't fit in at all. I feel like I'm screwing up everything, like my body language and my voice seem to escape me and that I'll be outed or worse. I hate being stuck in the middle phase of things and just wish I would hurry up and have what I needed to look how I feel.

Interesting

If I was the kid who walked up next to you checking out the sunglasses, I wonder what you'd think of me, and what I'd think of you?

I like to think things lol

Quote from: Kaydee on April 22, 2014, 05:23:58 PM
I agree that public places have more triggers - not that something can't trigger dysphoria at home, but its easier to avoind triggers when alone.

It gets pretty bad when I see a girl just 'being a girl'. It's hard to explain. I notice every single girl that walks by me, I notice every little detail about their walk, their hair and stuff like that and realize how different I am from them (physically). It can make me pretty depressed.

Yes, just walking by a girl acting normally can trigger strong dysphoria.  Something as simple as playing with her hair and I get feelings of ... jealousy?  Anger?   And sometimes I will find myself in this hyper-vigilant mode where I am noticing every movement, every nuance of speech that a certain woman is making.  When I'm in a meeting or in a conversation with that woman it can be quite strange.

I work at a college and there are days when I know that just walking down the hallway will be walking thru a sea of triggers.

For a second there, I thought I wrote this post and forgot about it, lol.

There's triggers everywhere, lol, but I'm glad I know what my triggers are...

When A girl talks to me, I react like a 'deer caught in headlights', they think 'well, he's just really awkward with girls' but that's not the case, I was probably too busy feeling jealous about her hair or something...

when Im alone I find it's ok, then I interact with others and it gets worse unless my mind it too fixated on work (which it normally is) to notice. Then again, I clean shave, wear clothes that reduce how obviously male I am and wear girly haircuts to cope. Sometimes crossdressing ifthats not enough.

You arent alone though. I think if I could cope with my dysphoria more if I found more people who were tolerant of it.