Look inside yourself, he is still there. There is no need to look anywhere else. Live as he would want you to live. I think he would want you to get stronger each day and be able to smile at the world again. Guilt is strong but you are stronger. Allow yourself to heal.

Quote from: LordKAT on April 23, 2014, 08:03:39 PM
Look inside yourself, he is still there. There is no need to look anywhere else. Live as he would want you to live. I think he would want you to get stronger each day and be able to smile at the world again. Guilt is strong but you are stronger. Allow yourself to heal.

I think this is the important take away.  While I can't even begin to understand what you feel, please remember that he is in your memories and heart.  You don't have to look all over, he is there.  And while you can't take away the mistakes of your past, you can try to make up from them now.  Live for his memory and honor his soul. Make him proud and apologize for what you feel you were in fault of. I don't know what your relationship was like, but if he loved you and was like your life, I'm sure he would want you to see him as a positive force and would like to see you happy. 

Quote from: JulieBlair on April 23, 2014, 08:01:44 PM
Just one more voice.  You are not bad, you are not evil, you have value and courage, and most of all you have this community.  Those of us who have been in the pit of addiction and crawled back out are here for you.  I'm tired of cleaning up after someone I know and like kills themselves with drink, a drug, or with a gun.  You've reached out - now get some help.  It's there, call me, call someone, treatment helps, but isn't a panacea.  Work is required, but it is work of self discovery, and self redemption.

The Big Book of AA says it pretty well: "He finally realizes that he has undergone a profound alteration in his reaction to life; that such a change could hardly have been brought about by himself alone. What often takes place in a few months could seldom have been accomplished by years of self-discipline. With few exceptions our members find that they have tapped an unsuspected inner resource which they presently identify with their own conception of a Power greater than themselves."

The power is there for you however you wish to define it.  But only you can bring the necessary humility to give up and accept what is freely offered.  If I could do it for you I would.  It has been a long time since I tapped the infinite, and If I stay spiritually fit, I will keep the connection and live in love and peace.  I want this for you.

Julie

Thanks hon. I appreciate really. but i've here through aa and na. it was court ordered. i got off dope. this is different somehow. i mean i used to work in a bar and really didnt care much to drink. until this happened. i just started pouring it down my throat to survive the hospital. and if i hadnt something to ease the pain - well already there were two suicide attempts during those 12 days. but i had a bottle. and i had susans. the people on susans - they saw all this. which is one reason i love this place. i dont know if i would have survived during that time.

this isnt like the drugs. this is tied to the hospital. and i have turned into his father. but i dont want to die like him. looking kinda inevitable now though

Quote from: Sephirah on April 23, 2014, 07:39:07 PM
You are not practically a worthless corpse, mister. So don't even think that, okay?

He saw worth in you. He saw what and who you could be. That's part of why he loved you.

Those eyes aren't closed. They're in your heart. They're in your soul. Gazing at you with love. His memory lives on. In you. And while ever it's there he will never be gone. The physical may be gone but what he meant to you, who he was, your love for each other... that will never leave you.

He would want the best for you, sweetie, don't you think? To see you be who you always dreamed of being? To be happy? He would want that. That was part of his love for you. To watch you grow.

Wanna know something? You already know I took my name from someone close to me who died, to honour her memory. I've lost most everyone important to me in my life, in terms of family. But they're never gone, not truly. And I do my best. For them. For everyone I ever loved, and everyone who ever loved me, to honour them. To make me, and them, wherever they are, never forget. To make them proud of me, and feel that even in death, I was being true to the person they loved, and who I loved in return. To feel like when I do see them again, I'll be able to tell them that I was a good person, and I tried to do my best in this world. To be the best person I can be... for them, as well as for me.

You can do that. He would want you to do that. So that when you do see him again, you can tell him all the things you did. How you took the love you both felt in your lives, embraced that, and used it to grow, to become the person you both wanted you to be.

*big hug*

aww thats beautiful honey. i'm going to wake tomorrow and hate myself that you all saw all this. saw me like this. and yet it feels somehow good to know someone listens

It is never inevitable, I've held people who sobbed and pleaded for death, but who sobered up and learned to live again.  Grief kills, but despair kills quicker. The part that is hard is sometimes it takes years of emptiness before death releases you. You don't seem like a man ready to die.  You can make that choice, but you can also choose life.  I did from drugs, I did from alcohol.  I'm choosing life again by transitioning.  Every time the cost has been huge, but every time I eventually became stronger and more complete.  I for one need you here and need you well.  Please choose life.

Love to You,
Julie

Quote from: FA on April 23, 2014, 08:25:09 PM
aww thats beautiful honey. i'm going to wake tomorrow and hate myself that you all saw all this. saw me like this. and yet it feels somehow good to know someone listens

Sweetie, I only wish I had the courage to show my vulnerable side.

Like I said, I'm proud of you. *huggles*

Quote from: FA on April 23, 2014, 08:25:09 PM
aww thats beautiful honey. i'm going to wake tomorrow and hate myself that you all saw all this. saw me like this. and yet it feels somehow good to know someone listens

Honestly i saw the last post and I just thought it was beautiful even if it was sad. :x you should be a writer, good lord, you communicate your feelings so much it hurts. Sorry if that is off topic.

Quote from: JulieBlair on April 23, 2014, 08:27:31 PM
It is never inevitable, I've held people who sobbed and pleaded for death, but who sobered up and learned to live again.  Grief kills, but despair kills quicker. The part that is hard is sometimes it takes years of emptiness before death releases you. You don't seem like a man ready to die.  You can make that choice, but you can also choose life.  I did from drugs, I did from alcohol.  I'm choosing life again by transitioning.  Every time the cost has been huge, but every time I eventually became stronger and more complete.  I for one need you here and need you well.  Please choose life.

Love to You,
Julie

you need me here? why?
i just don't think i can do it. any of it. live. any of it. i mean, im still here drinking, remembering 7 years later.  still here half dead. despite transition. yeah dysphoria is gone. but so is so much else... maybe im just not strong enough. maybe im the kind of man that loses the love of his life and drinks himself to death. theres certainly no evidence to the contrary.

Quote from: sad panda on April 23, 2014, 08:31:46 PM

Quote from: FA on April 23, 2014, 08:25:09 PM
aww thats beautiful honey. i'm going to wake tomorrow and hate myself that you all saw all this. saw me like this. and yet it feels somehow good to know someone listens

Honestly i saw the last post and I just thought it was beautiful even if it was sad. :x you should be a writer, good lord, you communicate your feelings so much it hurts. Sorry if that is off topic.

thanks hon. no i'll take a writing compliment anytime. 

Quote from: FA on April 23, 2014, 08:34:42 PM
theres certainly no evidence to the contrary.

Yes there is. You're reaching out, for the first time. You're baring your soul. Getting out all that grief and heartache that's been eating at you for those seven years where before you sought solace only in drink. That takes strength.

You're realising the "why". Why it's happening. Why you feel you need it. It isn't just a reflex action anymore. That's a step in the right direction. When you know why, you can start to change the why. It's when you don't, or don't want to see it, that you get stuck.

I've seen you go through hell, Nero. More than once in the time I've known you. But you know what? I've also seen you come out the other side. I think you're the kind of man that, when the night is darkest, finds that inner light and walks towards it. I think you're the kind of man who will not give in, no matter how bad it gets.

I don't think you can do it, either. I know you can. No one said it would be easy. The most meaningful things never are. But you have friends who love you, people who want the best for you, we'll get you through it even if you think you aren't strong enough. You're strong enough to know you can't do it alone. And you don't have to.

Quote from: LordKAT on April 23, 2014, 08:03:39 PM
Look inside yourself, he is still there. There is no need to look anywhere else. Live as he would want you to live. I think he would want you to get stronger each day and be able to smile at the world again. Guilt is strong but you are stronger. Allow yourself to heal.

There is something more that goes beyond just ignoring the guilt. Guilt eats away at us like a cancer. (Been there myself) So often we are harder on ourselves then the person we have wronged would ever be. I had to learn to be able to forgive myself. (Not an easy thing to do) See the thing is my wife committed suicide just a little over 14 years,and the thing is I know part of the reason was me. Neither one of us was totally honest with each other before we married. (We met and were married in a little less then three months) Both of us were really messed up,emotionally,mentally etc. I know I am not totally to blame BUT the trans issues were a FACTOR in her death. That was the part I had to learn to forgive myself. Being able to do so starts the healing and from there one will become stronger.

Quote from: SarahM777 on April 23, 2014, 08:50:58 PM

Quote from: LordKAT on April 23, 2014, 08:03:39 PM
Look inside yourself, he is still there. There is no need to look anywhere else. Live as he would want you to live. I think he would want you to get stronger each day and be able to smile at the world again. Guilt is strong but you are stronger. Allow yourself to heal.

There is something more that goes beyond just ignoring the guilt. Guilt eats away at us like a cancer. (Been there myself) So often we are harder on ourselves then the person we have wronged would ever be. I had to learn to be able to forgive myself. (Not an easy thing to do) See the thing is my wife committed suicide just a little over 14 years,and the thing is I know part of the reason was me. Neither one of us was totally honest with each other before we married. (We met and were married in a little less then three months) Both of us were really messed up,emotionally,mentally etc. I know I am not totally to blame BUT the trans issues were a FACTOR in her death. That was the part I had to learn to forgive myself. Being able to do so starts the healing and from there one will become stronger.

omigod honey. 

Quote from: FA on April 23, 2014, 08:54:05 PM
There is something more that goes beyond just ignoring the guilt. Guilt eats away at us like a cancer. (Been there myself) So often we are harder on ourselves then the person we have wronged would ever be. I had to learn to be able to forgive myself. (Not an easy thing to do) See the thing is my wife committed suicide just a little over 14 years,and the thing is I know part of the reason was me. Neither one of us was totally honest with each other before we married. (We met and were married in a little less then three months) Both of us were really messed up,emotionally,mentally etc. I know I am not totally to blame BUT the trans issues were a FACTOR in her death. That was the part I had to learn to forgive myself. Being able to do so starts the healing and from there one will become stronger.


omigod honey. 

I am OK now. The point is I know you can too. There is hope. 

Quote from: Sephirah on April 23, 2014, 08:46:12 PM

Quote from: FA on April 23, 2014, 08:34:42 PM
theres certainly no evidence to the contrary.

Yes there is. You're reaching out, for the first time. You're baring your soul. Getting out all that grief and heartache that's been eating at you for those seven years where before you sought solace only in drink. That takes strength.

You're realising the "why". Why it's happening. Why you feel you need it. It isn't just a reflex action anymore. That's a step in the right direction. When you know why, you can start to change the why. It's when you don't, or don't want to see it, that you get stuck.

I've seen you go through hell, Nero. More than once in the time I've known you. But you know what? I've also seen you come out the other side. I think you're the kind of man that, when the night is darkest, finds that inner light and walks towards it. I think you're the kind of man who will not give in, no matter how bad it gets.

I don't think you can do it, either. I know you can. No one said it would be easy. The most meaningful things never are. But you have friends who love you, people who want the best for you, we'll get you through it even if you think you aren't strong enough. You're strong enough to know you can't do it alone. And you don't have to.

aww i love you so much. i couldn't do it without you.

i have this recurring dream. where i don't know where he is. and i am so worried. because i dont know where he is, what hes doing. is he safe. i call everyone. i look everywhere.
then i wake up. and there's this relief. it's ok. it was a dream. you know where he is. he's safe. in the ground. nothing can ever happen to him or hurt him. and then - well why do i feel relief over that. how sick is that

FA- You have made so much progress in just a few days that it amazes me.  By opening up, you have forced yourself to stare your demons right in the eye.  Grief and guilt are two of the worst demons you will ever have to face, and they will never go away if you try to hide from them.  I know all of my demons well now.  We're on a first name basis. 

I was blamed for a friend's death once.  He wasn't my SO, but he was a great friend and a classic character. I miss him every day. His goofy smile, his dark sense of humor, his spontaneity, his talent.  After he died, I had to carry a .38 everywhere I went for several months because of all the death threats I received.  And believe me, I know damned well what the barrel tastes like.  Before I faced the guilt and grief, I numbed myself with everything I could get my hands on.  I became homeless for several weeks because I refused to go to work.  I sold almost everything I owned (thankfully I had the sense to dump the .38 that tempted me) for drugs and booze before my brother came to get me out of there and drove me across the country.  During the road trip, my forced sobriety got me some serious face time with the demons.  It was hard and painful, but I mostly worked through it.  It took a long time to slay those demons completely, but time really does heal all wounds. 

The fact that you are still here and deep down wish to remain that way speaks volumes to me.  I know this much- you are stronger than I.  If I had been in the same situation as you, I know I would have taken the easy way out.  You didn't.  You are still here, and once you get past this, I will bet you that you will no longer need the alcohol to get by.

Please know that your family here loves you and wishes you nothing but happiness and peace.   

Quote from: FA on April 23, 2014, 09:00:05 PM
aww i love you so much. i couldn't do it without you.

i have this recurring dream. where i don't know where he is. and i am so worried. because i dont know where he is, what hes doing. is he safe. i call everyone. i look everywhere.
then i wake up. and there's this relief. it's ok. it was a dream. you know where he is. he's safe. in the ground. nothing can ever happen to him or hurt him. and then - well why do i feel relief over that. how sick is that

If I were to hazard a guess, I would say that's a manifestation of your feeling of helplessness. And maybe guilt. Of your loss of control of the situation and feeling like you should have done something differently. Been able to change things, to look out for him. Sweetie, I don't think the dream is about him at all, I think it's about you. About your feelings. Playing out in your mind over and over because you haven't come to terms with them yet.

It's not sick to feel relief that someone isn't hurting anymore. But again, I'm not sure it's about that. I wonder if it's more about an ending to things. A feeling that the situation is what it is, and you can't change it even if you want to. And with that comes a feeling of being back in control. Of knowing that you don't have to deal with that feeling of helplessness and like you should have done more. Of guilt.

Like I say, that's just a guess.

Quote from: Jill F on April 23, 2014, 09:12:32 PM
FA- You have made so much progress in just a few days that it amazes me. 

Really? I feel like I've been purging these last weeks. And my spewing chunks have hit everyone else.  But better out than in. And I feel bad saying this cause I'm really afraid I hurt people here, including people I know well and love - but i do feel some of the pain of the past lifting. like ive dropped this burden years of writing in my private journal program couldnt do.

QuoteI was blamed for a friend's death once.  He wasn't my SO, but he was a great friend and a classic character. I miss him every day. His goofy smile, his dark sense of humor, his spontaneity, his talent.  After he died, I had to carry a .38 everywhere I went for several months because of all the death threats I received.  And believe me, I know damned well what the barrel tastes like.  Before I faced the guilt and grief, I numbed myself with everything I could get my hands on.  I became homeless for several weeks because I refused to go to work.  I sold almost everything I owned (thankfully I had the sense to dump the .38 that tempted me) for drugs and booze before my brother came to get me out of there and drove me across the country.  During the road trip, my forced sobriety got me some serious face time with the demons.  It was hard and painful, but I mostly worked through it.  It took a long time to slay those demons completely, but time really does heal all wounds. 

Wow that is just... i can't imagine feeling the grief and then everyone blaming you... so sorry for your loss sweetie.

QuoteThe fact that you are still here and deep down wish to remain that way speaks volumes to me.  I know this much- you are stronger than I.  If I was in the same situation as you, I know I would have taken the easy way out.  You didn't.  You are still here, and once you get past this, I will bet you that you will no longer need the alcohol to get by.

Please know that your family here loves you and wishes you nothing but happiness and peace.   

aww thanks hon. but i feel very weak and vulnerable and unmanly at the moment. i mean - how could i even let myself get to this point that i'm telling everyone else this

aww thanks hon. but i feel very weak and vulnerable and unmanly at the moment. i mean - how could i even let myself get to this point that i'm telling everyone else this

Because that took an amazing amount of strength and courage.  You are stronger than your demons.  You just did something very ballsy and have displayed some incredible strength of character, IMHO.

FA, I believe you have gained the upper hand now by opening up like this.  Let it all out.  Your demons don't stand a chance. 

FA,

I wish I could say or do something that would take away all this pain you've been going through, but I'm at a loss. Sadly I don't have anything profound that I can add that hasn't already been said.

I do believe that you underestimate your own value. I mean look at how many people here a rallying around you. There are so many here who are concerned and want to see you work through all of this.

Secondly I think you underestimate your own strength.  From what I've seen you say in the last couple weeks, you have had way more than your fair share of challenges thrown at you. More recently you have started to overcome your own barriers of opening up about those challenges. That alone is testimony that you can find a way to move on. If that means coming here to talk about it, so be it.

You have been smart enough to realize that you need to open up and brave enough to actually do it. When I think about that, "weak", "vulnerable" and "unmanly" are the last three words to mind.