It's too bad you don't live in Chicago. there's a 24 hr Starbucks in the heart of boys town. You could be half naked with purple skin sitting and having a nice latte and no one would blink an eye.

[quote afir=163823.msg1412667#msg1412667 date=1398559108]
I felt that way too. And once I started passing, I felt more comfortable for about a minute. Then I started getting paranoid because everyone thought I had something I didn't. It just created new insecurities.
I'm just afraid you're putting so much focus on the physical stuff (like I did), you're going to be disillusioned once you get it.
Now, I'm not trying to come down on you. I care about you a lot and want to help. I don't know your history or full situation. But if you don't already have this whole social thing going on... and if you have had problems finding love... these things are not going to change just because your appearance does. If you're insecure now, you probably will be doubly so as a girl (and especially, a trans girl). Not trying to scare you. I hope that you can learn from my mistakes and you can be happier sooner than I am. And I'm somebody who was relatively confident and had no problems finding partners in my former incarnation.

Basically, maybe being trans is responsible for most of what's going on with you. But transition alone doesn't erase that. You are probably not very social because you're trans. You probably have romantic issues because you are trans. But it won't fix it hon.
[/quote]

Oh I know you're trying to help.  I trust you.  I think you are right.  I just don't know how to be confiden and only feel better about myself when i can help others in some way or get their approval  because it helps with my self esteem.  I care deeply about what others think of me which I'm sure you've noticed in some of my behavior.  I don't know how to change it though.

I'm out and visible, but I generally do feel attractive and good. A big part of my success I beleive was due to me getting a good team together to help me find my style. I've got a woman for my hair, a woman for my make up, and I regularly seek the help of stylists at clothing stores. These people are my teachers and when they get to know me sometimes they become my friends.

Before transition I was a hermit too LTL. Now, putting myself out there and being open does mean that today, I occasion get called a 'he' which sucks. But every day of my life post transition is better than any day before because I'm free.

By starting this thread, it seems to me that you're getting close to being blessed by the $&@! off fairy. A cis friend of mine told me about that. She just stopped worrying herself over what other people thought about what she was up to and started to live her life for herself. I guess you could say the same for me cause I cared very much about passing too. For a long time I didn't do anything transition related because I didn't want to be seen as a masculine woman. I was sure I would be unhappy. So I get where you're coming from, I think. Just for me one day it was kinda poof, $&@! it, I'm transitioning.

I wish I could do more for you girl. More than tell you it's possible to be happy as a visible trans woman. I suspect my assurance is difficult to believe. I'm still going to relay that it gets better. And that I'm pulling for you. And I'm looking forward to the soon coming day to wish you congratulations on your first day of being full-time.

Indeed as FA is been saying transition isn't a silver bullet. Still, I have found it a lot easier to deal with my other shortcomings now.

LTL, I hope I'm not too late for my experiences to help.

I know many transwomen who don't pass and who are thrilled at their transitions. Passing is definitely not a prerequisite to happiness.

For my own experience, I work in a place where everyone knows I used to be a man. No one in my workplace his given me the slightest trouble over it. Of course I live in a tolerant place.

Lately I've been going out occasionally sans wig. I'm easier to clock, and I get stares and scowls. I don't like that, and I resent that I need a "disguise" of sorts in order to be looked upon as a human being. The converse, when I go to places where no one knows me and no one clocks me, is incomparable. To be treated and gendered as a woman feels like nothing on earth.

But passing has its drawbacks too. I never know if I've been clocked and if it's obvious to the person I'm with that I'm trans. I can get sort of neurotic if I'm not careful, looking for signs that they treat me differently. And I know that once my "secret" is out, it's out and all the makeup in the world won't erase that from people's minds. It's easier just for people to know.

I think neither passing nor non-passing is superior as a lifestyle.  It's certainly possible to be thrilled with life as a non-passing transwoman.

Good luck. I hope this helps.

LTL- I should send you some photos of when I had just started out... I was dressed like a guy and already demanding proper pronouns from everyone. Each day was a learning experience, and something important that I eventually got the hang of was how to elicit proper pronouns from people automatically. I still wasn't "passing" at all for a good 4 months later (okay maybe at night sometimes), but it was hugely important to my psyche in the whole scheme of things.

Physical appearance doesn't have to play any role with your gender unless you let it or want it to. Society will treat you like a woman even if you look trans. If you go straight for passing stealth, though, you could be waiting forever. A lot of "passing" like that comes from presentational experience requiring quite a lot of trial and effort, and failure. You have to be willing to accept that you aren't going to pass at first, if you ever do want to pass. Keep your eyes on the prize, always.

As far as what to do? Collect your thoughts, write 'em down, or just simply keep asking questions. You WILL figure this out, I am sure of it. Find things that make you happy, or that appease your desire to achieve your goal (one might call it progress )

Don't worry at all about being emotional or upholding an always positive image here. This is why we have this site, to be here for you in times like this. Everyone has bad days! Honestly I've seen you help out so many other people that it is an honor to think that I might be able to somehow help you Absolutely no apologies necessary. I think it's safe to say we all are going to love you regardless.

Quote from: learningtolive on April 26, 2014, 07:51:28 PM

Oh I know you're trying to help.  I trust you.  I think you are right.  I just don't know how to be confiden and only feel better about myself when i can help others in some way or get their approval  because it helps with my self esteem.  I care deeply about what others think of me which I'm sure you've noticed in some of my behavior.  I don't know how to change it though.

Well, you've got the same thing a lot of women have, especially assigned females. And it's not a bad thing necessarily. But you're going to need a lot of self-love and care to thrive as a woman in this world. Especially a trans one. If helping others helps build that for you, do it now. Don't wait until you pass perfectly. Because in your eyes, that may never happen. And your eyes are all that really matter. You look fine now. Just be you. Introduce yourself as Mattie. Volunteer places don't care who you are. You're there to help. And honestly, you are an exceedingly feminine soul. I don't doubt that will outshine everything else.

Thanks everyone.  Talking these things out really helped  me tonight.

Quote from: FA on April 26, 2014, 08:10:55 PM
Well, you've got the same thing a lot of women have, especially assigned females. And it's not a bad thing necessarily. But you're going to need a lot of self-love and care to thrive as a woman in this world. Especially a trans one. If helping others helps build that for you, do it now. Don't wait until you pass perfectly. Because in your eyes, that may never happen. And your eyes are all that really matter. You look fine now. Just be you. Introduce yourself as Mattie. Volunteer places don't care who you are. You're there to help. And honestly, you are an exceedingly feminine soul. I don't doubt that will outshine everything else.

Thanks Fa.  I'm just not comfortable socializing as male anymore, but maybe I just have to get out there and be me at this point.  It's getting time for me to present as female.  Though, I don't know if most girls are like me.  My need for validation and approval is kind of bad.  Like even if one person here didn't like me, I'd be really sad and would have to win their favor in some way.  Seph has told me that it's sort of a defense mechanism that I've developed from my past, and I think that makes a lot of sense.  I just want to finally have an inner sense of self worth and not let other people be in control of my feelings about myself.  Even when people say nice things or say I pass, it's important because it's the only positive way for me to see myself.  I literally see my own self worth as it's measured by others.  A lot of this has to do with my childhood and I would need the approval of family in certain cirumstances in order to ensure there would be peace and everything would be okay (I can't talk to much about this).  But there was no telling when things would go bad and then I would get hurt and it would be my fault.  IIt was totally randomn and I would never know what would bring things upon me and I  can't get passed it to this day.  Much of that was reinforced through bullying and other stuff that occurred.  That'w why passing is important to me.  It's the correct behavior to prevent me from getting hurt by others.  It's the way for me to finally feel free to be myself without having to worry about the randomness and how it can hurt me.

I really should get out more though and start doing things.  I don't know.  I'm so scared of this world and I think everyone is going to hurt me. But I got to have an independent self esteem here. 

Quote from: Jennygirl on April 26, 2014, 08:08:02 PM
LTL- I should send you some photos of when I had just started out... I was dressed like a guy and already demanding proper pronouns from everyone. Each day was a learning experience, and something important that I eventually got the hang of was how to elicit proper pronouns from people automatically. I still wasn't "passing" at all for a good 4 months later (okay maybe at night sometimes), but it was hugely important to my psyche in the whole scheme of things.

Physical appearance doesn't have to play any role with your gender unless you let it or want it to. Society will treat you like a woman even if you look trans. If you go straight for passing stealth, though, you could be waiting forever. A lot of "passing" like that comes from presentational experience requiring quite a lot of trial and effort, and failure. You have to be willing to accept that you aren't going to pass at first, if you ever do want to pass. Keep your eyes on the prize, always.

As far as what to do? Collect your thoughts, write 'em down, or just simply keep asking questions. You WILL figure this out, I am sure of it. Find things that make you happy, or that appease your desire to achieve your goal (one might call it progress )

Don't worry at all about being emotional or upholding an always positive image here. This is why we have this site, to be here for you in times like this. Everyone has bad days! Honestly I've seen you help out so many other people that it is an honor to think that I might be able to somehow help you Absolutely no apologies necessary. I think it's safe to say we all are going to love you regardless.

Yeah, you're right.  I just can't get the stuff into my head ya know?

Quote from: suzifrommd on April 26, 2014, 08:05:30 PM
LTL, I hope I'm not too late for my experiences to help.

I know many transwomen who don't pass and who are thrilled at their transitions. Passing is definitely not a prerequisite to happiness.

For my own experience, I work in a place where everyone knows I used to be a man. No one in my workplace his given me the slightest trouble over it. Of course I live in a tolerant place.

Lately I've been going out occasionally sans wig. I'm easier to clock, and I get stares and scowls. I don't like that, and I resent that I need a "disguise" of sorts in order to be looked upon as a human being. The converse, when I go to places where no one knows me and no one clocks me, is incomparable. To be treated and gendered as a woman feels like nothing on earth.

But passing has its drawbacks too. I never know if I've been clocked and if it's obvious to the person I'm with that I'm trans. I can get sort of neurotic if I'm not careful, looking for signs that they treat me differently. And I know that once my "secret" is out, it's out and all the makeup in the world won't erase that from people's minds. It's easier just for people to know.

I think neither passing nor non-passing is superior as a lifestyle.  It's certainly possible to be thrilled with life as a non-passing transwoman.

Good luck. I hope this helps.

Thanks for Sharing Suzi.  I hope to have that sense of confidence soon.

Quote from: Misato on April 26, 2014, 08:02:21 PM
I'm out and visible, but I generally do feel attractive and good. A big part of my success I beleive was due to me getting a good team together to help me find my style. I've got a woman for my hair, a woman for my make up, and I regularly seek the help of stylists at clothing stores. These people are my teachers and when they get to know me sometimes they become my friends.

Before transition I was a hermit too LTL. Now, putting myself out there and being open does mean that today, I occasion get called a 'he' which sucks. But every day of my life post transition is better than any day before because I'm free.

By starting this thread, it seems to me that you're getting close to being blessed by the $&@! off fairy. A cis friend of mine told me about that. She just stopped worrying herself over what other people thought about what she was up to and started to live her life for herself. I guess you could say the same for me cause I cared very much about passing too. For a long time I didn't do anything transition related because I didn't want to be seen as a masculine woman. I was sure I would be unhappy. So I get where you're coming from, I think. Just for me one day it was kinda poof, $&@! it, I'm transitioning.

I wish I could do more for you girl. More than tell you it's possible to be happy as a visible trans woman. I suspect my assurance is difficult to believe. I'm still going to relay that it gets better. And that I'm pulling for you. And I'm looking forward to the soon coming day to wish you congratulations on your first day of being full-time.

Indeed as FA is been saying transition isn't a silver bullet. Still, I have found it a lot easier to deal with my other shortcomings now.

Thaks Misato.  I don't know if I'm developing the personality I need, but I'm glad to hear what worked for you.

Quote from: suzifrommd on April 26, 2014, 08:05:30 PM
LTL, I hope I'm not too late for my experiences to help.

I know many transwomen who don't pass and who are thrilled at their transitions. Passing is definitely not a prerequisite to happiness.

For my own experience, I work in a place where everyone knows I used to be a man. No one in my workplace his given me the slightest trouble over it. Of course I live in a tolerant place.

Lately I've been going out occasionally sans wig. I'm easier to clock, and I get stares and scowls. I don't like that, and I resent that I need a "disguise" of sorts in order to be looked upon as a human being. The converse, when I go to places where no one knows me and no one clocks me, is incomparable. To be treated and gendered as a woman feels like nothing on earth.

But passing has its drawbacks too. I never know if I've been clocked and if it's obvious to the person I'm with that I'm trans. I can get sort of neurotic if I'm not careful, looking for signs that they treat me differently. And I know that once my "secret" is out, it's out and all the makeup in the world won't erase that from people's minds. It's easier just for people to know.

I think neither passing nor non-passing is superior as a lifestyle.  It's certainly possible to be thrilled with life as a non-passing transwoman.

Good luck. I hope this helps.

Yeah, neither situation is superior to me. I know others don't feel this way, but my ideal situation would be everyone knows my 'situation' and doesn't care. Still genders me male. It feels good a little to be assumed a cis man. But I don't like it too much once I start making friends. I shied away from some guys and girls who could have become good friends. Because I'm just not that comfortable stealth. I don't like wondering whether they'd still like me if they knew. Makes me feel like an imposter. Sometimes I really envy trans peeps who don't pass.

Could just be my personality though. As you can probably see, I'm more of an open book type. Freud would have characterized me as the baby who ->-bleeped-<-s and is proud of it. Or whatever it was he said.

Couple things.
FA, I know you a little and like who you are. Sure I am not the only one.
LTL, darling, at some point that step will be needed. Don't rush but just know, you will never be ready. Not today, not tomorrow, not ever. Are your fears real dear?

That's it.
Mikaela

Quote from: learningtolive on April 26, 2014, 08:28:26 PM
Thaks Misato.  I don't know if I'm developing the personality I need, but I'm glad to hear what worked for you.

Happiness for LTL, by LTL and of LTL. I'm pulling for you hon.

Quote from: Misato on April 26, 2014, 09:46:01 PM

Quote from: learningtolive on April 26, 2014, 08:28:26 PM
Thaks

Misato.  I don't know if I'm developing the personality I need, but I'm glad to hear what worked for you.

Happiness for LTL, by LTL and of LTL. I'm pulling for you hon.

^ and on that note, to LTL from LTL again:



Time doesn't stand still, honey. However much we wish it too. You will probably never think she's beautiful enough. Or passable enough. Young enough. Skinny enough. Or good enough. Sort of par for the course for a woman.
I've seen her pictures and she's gorgeous. Are you brave enough to be her? As she is? What do you need? voice lessons? A little more time on HRT?

25 years. 30. 35. 40. 45. 50. 55. 60. 65. 70. 75. 80. 85. 90. 95. 100. 1000. years.
How long will you make her sit in the shadows until she comes to light? Don't end up like me. I've transitioned. But still not come to light. I still live in the shadows terrified of the light, to be seen. Don't let this be her fate. It only gets harder as the years erode. She's not going to look any better at 30.

Quote from: learningtolive on April 26, 2014, 08:28:26 PM
Thanks Fa.  I'm just not comfortable socializing as male anymore, but maybe I just have to get out there and be me at this point.  It's getting time for me to present as female.  Though, I don't know if most girls are like me.  My need for validation and approval is kind of bad.  Like even if one person here didn't like me, I'd be really sad and would have to win their favor in some way.  Seph has told me that it's sort of a defense mechanism that I've developed from my past, and I think that makes a lot of sense.  I just want to finally have an inner sense of self worth and not let other people be in control of my feelings about myself.  Even when people say nice things or say I pass, it's important because it's the only positive way for me to see myself.  I literally see my own self worth as it's measured by others.  A lot of this has to do with my childhood and I would need the approval of family in certain cirumstances in order to ensure there would be peace and everything would be okay (I can't talk to much about this).  But there was no telling when things would go bad and then I would get hurt and it would be my fault.  IIt was totally randomn and I would never know what would bring things upon me and I  can't get passed it to this day.  Much of that was reinforced through bullying and other stuff that occurred.  That'w why passing is important to me.  It's the correct behavior to prevent me from getting hurt by others.  It's the way for me to finally feel free to be myself without having to worry about the randomness and how it can hurt me.

I really should get out more though and start doing things.  I don't know.  I'm so scared of this world and I think everyone is going to hurt me.

I broke my rule about not spending time posting here until I can get things a little more together in my own life, because the way you think sounds so much like the way I think sometimes, it's almost scary. We both spend way too much time thinking about our problems and not enough time actually trying to solve them. When you spend all your time thinking about a problem, and none of your time trying to work on it, it just sits there and seems to get bigger and bigger as time passes, until it's so big that the idea of getting past it seems completely impossible. In my case it's mostly because I've had self esteem issues for my whole life that led me to have a chronic fear of failure. And of course, the only guaranteed way not to fail, is to never try in the first place.

You just can't allow that kind of thinking to control your life. You just have to figure out what it takes to make you happy, and get out there and start working towards it. Lately I've started to realize I don't really enjoy being a computer programmer that much, even though it's the only thing I've done in my whole life that I've ever been that good at. So now I'm actually trying to learn to draw, even though it's something I haven't done since high school. I have a lot of doubts that I'll ever be as good of an artist as I was a programmer, but at least it's something I actually enjoy doing. Life is full of those kind of situations, where if you aren't willing to ignore your fear and doubt and do something that you are uncertain about, you may miss out on the things with the greatest potential to improve your life.

Quote from: learningtolive on April 26, 2014, 08:28:26 PMBut I got to have an independent self esteem here.

Yes, you do, because you are an awesome person. I have never read anything here that you have posted that has been mean or negative in any way. Unless you are pretending to be someone entirely different here than who you actually are, I can't imagine that the people you meet in the real world are going to see you in any other way. I mean, some people are just jerks, but they're going to be jerks no matter what you do, so there's no point in worrying about them, right? Just remember that no matter how scared you are, nothing is scarier than missing out on all the things life has to offer because you were afraid of what other people might think.

It stings sometimes and I get embarrassed or fearful but I just say "->-bleeped-<- it" and move on.

Sorry everyone for last night.  I woke up recently and got a god awful amount of sleep that I didn't know was even possible.  I don't even really remember everything, so sorry I was very emotional again.  I'll be okay, yesterday was just one of those days. 

Quote from: Mikaela on April 26, 2014, 09:32:13 PM
Couple things.
FA, I know you a little and like who you are. Sure I am not the only one.
LTL, darling, at some point that step will be needed. Don't rush but just know, you will never be ready. Not today, not tomorrow, not ever. Are your fears real dear?

That's it.
Mikaela

You're right.  I just don't know how to be not ready but ready, lol. 

Quote from: FA on April 26, 2014, 10:10:06 PM
Happiness for LTL, by LTL and of LTL. I'm pulling for you hon.


^ and on that note, to LTL from LTL again:



Time doesn't stand still, honey. However much we wish it too. You will probably never think she's beautiful enough. Or passable enough. Young enough. Skinny enough. Or good enough. Sort of par for the course for a woman.
I've seen her pictures and she's gorgeous. Are you brave enough to be her? As she is? What do you need? voice lessons? A little more time on HRT?

25 years. 30. 35. 40. 45. 50. 55. 60. 65. 70. 75. 80. 85. 90. 95. 100. 1000. years.
How long will you make her sit in the shadows until she comes to light? Don't end up like me. I've transitioned. But still not come to light. I still live in the shadows terrified of the light, to be seen. Don't let this be her fate. It only gets harder as the years erode. She's not going to look any better at 30.

You're right.  It's going to happen sometime soon.  I just want to pass when it does.  I'm still early on the hrt and all.   I still want to go full time in the summer if it's possible.

Quote from: Miyuki on April 27, 2014, 12:33:41 AM
I broke my rule about not spending time posting here until I can get things a little more together in my own life, because the way you think sounds so much like the way I think sometimes, it's almost scary. We both spend way too much time thinking about our problems and not enough time actually trying to solve them. When you spend all your time thinking about a problem, and none of your time trying to work on it, it just sits there and seems to get bigger and bigger as time passes, until it's so big that the idea of getting past it seems completely impossible. In my case it's mostly because I've had self esteem issues for my whole life that led me to have a chronic fear of failure. And of course, the only guaranteed way not to fail, is to never try in the first place.

You just can't allow that kind of thinking to control your life. You just have to figure out what it takes to make you happy, and get out there and start working towards it. Lately I've started to realize I don't really enjoy being a computer programmer that much, even though it's the only thing I've done in my whole life that I've ever been that good at. So now I'm actually trying to learn to draw, even though it's something I haven't done since high school. I have a lot of doubts that I'll ever be as good of an artist as I was a programmer, but at least it's something I actually enjoy doing. Life is full of those kind of situations, where if you aren't willing to ignore your fear and doubt and do something that you are uncertain about, you may miss out on the things with the greatest potential to improve your life.

Yes, you do, because you are an awesome person. I have never read anything here that you have posted that has been mean or negative in any way. Unless you are pretending to be someone entirely different here than who you actually are, I can't imagine that the people you meet in the real world are going to see you in any other way. I mean, some people are just jerks, but they're going to be jerks no matter what you do, so there's no point in worrying about them, right? Just remember that no matter how scared you are, nothing is scarier than missing out on all the things life has to offer because you were afraid of what other people might think.

Thanks for you thoughts and for empathizing.  I know exactly what you are saying, and in many ways you are right, but I just don't know how to make me do these things and get passed it all.  Logically and rationally speaking it all makes sense, but I'm a girl driven by her emotions. 

Quote from: llerret on April 27, 2014, 02:05:01 AM
It stings sometimes and I get embarrassed or fearful but I just say "<not allowed> it" and move on.

I look forward to the day I can say the same.  Good for you on developing that mentality because it sounds like a good place.

@LTL: I've kept up with this thread, and remember what was said here. From what I gather, you and I have a lot in common and you also remind me of a friend of mine a little too. It really is hard taking the step to go outside in a dress or skirt isn't it? How I first did it was late at night, when it was dark, there was no one around and went outside for a few secs to a min. I then very slowly worked my way up to going outside more and more a little each time. Then, thank you black out. Though I took a big chance, I went out not once but twice as myself, with no flash light and no one to see me and one time with in umbrella. I figured even if a care passes by, it'll still be too dark to tell for sure whether I'm male or female so I wouldn't be found out. This was back before I went full time btw. Anyway, I eventually gained enough courage to go out in a skirt after being full time as myself for a while (Winter=long pants and shirt+thermals) once it got warm enough and it was great. I then later went out in a dress and again great. I got ma'am'd more, treated and viewed as female more and it was a nice exp. for me but , believe me and I know you know this, it wasn't easy, especially when I was first going outside for a few secs at a time and often times I would chicken out and run back inside or not even make it out the door.

There really is a reason why you see so many people posting how hard it is before they go full tiem and likewise how much better it is after they go full time and find out, what was I worrying about for so long? It's because it's true. Will it still be easy after you go full time? Yes, it'll get a lot easier as you keep being yourself but there will be times for you when it's hard.

Lastly, you have NOTHING to apologize for. If you EVER need to reach out, show your emotions or just talk, don't hesitate to do so. I know exactly what you mean by not wanting to drag others down and all that you said because that's how I feel too. Just remember you have to talk at some point, don't hold it in and hey! You don't need to uphold any kind of image like you were talking about. (Referring to the part where you said you try to uphold a positive image of yourself here) Just be yourself and remember, you can't please everyone and there's no point in trying to do so. Please yourself. Also, you say you want to help others, I believe you're already doing that here but just remember you can't help anyone if you yourself are sick or dead. I say that because, if you hold things in too much for too long, it will get to you and will run you down. Hang in there and never give up. Oh and lastly, for any kind of life exp. like this, including when you finally start going out as yourself, remember this vid.



And again, PM me if you ever want or need to talk.

Quote from: Shana-chan on April 27, 2014, 12:58:45 PM
@LTL: I've kept up with this thread, and remember what was said here. From what I gather, you and I have a lot in common and you also remind me of a friend of mine a little too. It really is hard taking the step to go outside in a dress or skirt isn't it? How I first did it was late at night, when it was dark, there was no one around and went outside for a few secs to a min. I then very slowly worked my way up to going outside more and more a little each time. Then, thank you black out. Though I took a big chance, I went out not once but twice as myself, with no flash light and no one to see me and one time with in umbrella. I figured even if a care passes by, it'll still be too dark to tell for sure whether I'm male or female so I wouldn't be found out. This was back before I went full time btw. Anyway, I eventually gained enough courage to go out in a skirt after being full time as myself for a while (Winter=long pants and shirt+thermals) once it got warm enough and it was great. I then later went out in a dress and again great. I got ma'am'd more, treated and viewed as female more and it was a nice exp. for me but , believe me and I know you know this, it wasn't easy, especially when I was first going outside for a few secs at a time and often times I would chicken out and run back inside or not even make it out the door.

There really is a reason why you see so many people posting how hard it is before they go full tiem and likewise how much better it is after they go full time and find out, what was I worrying about for so long? It's because it's true. Will it still be easy after you go full time? Yes, it'll get a lot easier as you keep being yourself but there will be times for you when it's hard.

Lastly, you have NOTHING to apologize for. If you EVER need to reach out, show your emotions or just talk, don't hesitate to do so. I know exactly what you mean by not wanting to drag others down and all that you said because that's how I feel too. Just remember you have to talk at some point, don't hold it in and hey! You don't need to uphold any kind of image like you were talking about. (Referring to the part where you said you try to uphold a positive image of yourself here) Just be yourself and remember, you can't please everyone and there's no point in trying to do so. Please yourself. Also, you say you want to help others, I believe you're already doing that here but just remember you can't help anyone if you yourself are sick or dead. I say that because, if you hold things in too much for too long, it will get to you and will run you down. Hang in there and never give up. Oh and lastly, for any kind of life exp. like this, including when you finally start going out as yourself, remember this vid.



And again, PM me if you ever want or need to talk.

Thanks for empathizing and the pm offer.  Yeah it's not easy.  I just don't like getting overly emotional here.  And it's funny but you're right about the not being able to help others without knowing how to help yourself.  I wrote something earlier yesterday trying to understand myself better and trying to think how I proceed in line with that problem.  I really don't get me and my actions.  In any case, I am me and there is not much to do other than just be it. 

Thanks for your comment.  I'm getting there faster than it seems.  I just like to kick myself very hard and punish myself.

LTL, I just have to tell you something that helped me out with my emotions when I was still not full-time.  I was having trouble with my emotions, motivation, and generally was just 'out of sorts', and my speech therapist realized it before I did.  She told me it was common for girls at puberty to get moody like that and that I was just having my equivalent of a period. 

It was a well needed reminder of who I was becoming, and that I was on a journey of discovery.  It made me able to accept the days like that along with the great ones.

Hang in there hon, maybe chocolate on days like this???  (it also  helps on good days too! )

Quote from: Ducks on April 27, 2014, 02:09:37 PM
LTL, I just have to tell you something that helped me out with my emotions when I was still not full-time.  I was having trouble with my emotions, motivation, and generally was just 'out of sorts', and my speech therapist realized it before I did.  She told me it was common for girls at puberty to get moody like that and that I was just having my equivalent of a period. 

It was a well needed reminder of who I was becoming, and that I was on a journey of discovery.  It made me able to accept the days like that along with the great ones.

Hang in there hon, maybe chocolate on days like this???  (it also  helps on good days too! )

Thanks.

Well, I won't be having chocolate, but I'm doing the unthinkable and ordering a pizza from Dominoe's, lol.  Yeah, there are a lot of calories, but I'm starving and eating always makes me cheer up.  As long as that's all I eat, I gues sI should be okay in the end.

Quote from: learningtolive on April 27, 2014, 02:22:42 PM
Thanks.

Well, I won't be having chocolate, but I'm doing the unthinkable and ordering a pizza from Dominoe's, lol.  Yeah, there are a lot of calories, but I'm starving and eating always makes me cheer up.  As long as that's all I eat, I gues sI should be okay in the end.

Yeah, it took me some time to process that advice   Didn't seem possible when she first said it, but later it made a lot more sense. Pizza is the food of the gods, but chocolate has some medicinal qualities that help. 

Quote from: Ducks on April 27, 2014, 02:37:32 PM
Yeah, it took me some time to process that advice   Didn't seem possible when she first said it, but later it made a lot more sense. Pizza is the food of the gods, but chocolate has some medicinal qualities that help.

See, I think Pizza is the food of the devil, considering all the carbs and calories, but they say the devil is good at tempting people, lol.  I really shouldn't be eating it.  I just need comfort food today after yesterday.

Thanks again all.  I'm really doing a lot better than I was yesterday.  It was just one of those days.