So here I am.. I know the answers to the questions I'm about to pose to all of you, part of me is hoping that just putting it down here moves me forward..

Like a lot of transgender people I knew early on that I was different. For many years had no inner explanation just a lot of shame. Hid the reality even from myself. I joined the Marines to get tough.. Slept with every girl I could.. ETC.. Got married, got divorced, Got married again.. Had Kids.. Same show just different network...

So at 38 I had a great life, have it all the nice cars, big house, great job, successful in being the ultimate male imitator. But by this time I knew what I really was. Came down to one night in a puddle of tears in my wife's arms. Expecting to loose all of that at that point in time I had to move forward and become what I really knew I was. Went to the therapist and 3 months later the first of many little white pills washed down. I was the text book case according to the therapist. I even had the D in GID mastered. So I did the unthinkable... I quit my career of 15+ years something that I had hung my hat on and proudly wore as something I had stuck to. In my head I was going to a job that was short term and I didn't have the baggage and embarrassment of transitioning at a job where everyone knew my name and face.. I took a job in the oilfields..

Fast forward almost 4 years and a LOT of those magic pills, many therapist appointments, countless laser and electro trips, oh yea and a round or two under the FFS knife. I have a few things that give me away one of which is my voice. Been a stumbling block for me as I have a very low male voice, voice coaching helped with intonation and feminizing my vocabulary but only one thing is going to help this baritone.. that's VFS.. Got that booked then postponed as another shocker came along..

Anyone that I have come out to has been super supportive. My wife, her family, even a few in my family. I wanted to make sure this was the ABSOLUTE right path for me before coming out to my son and father as I suspect those relationships will end once I come out to them. AS if they couldn't tell something was up long before now. But hey...

So here is the shocker for you.. Just as before professional success has followed me, professionally I have never been in a better spot. I am the primary bread winner in the house and making sure the lights are on, food in the cabinet and mortgage paid are my first and primary job. So yes you can say the price that I have put on my mental wellbeing is that my wife and daughter are not living in a cardboard box. So say in 18 months 95% of our bills will be paid off and I wont have to be the primary bread winner and even if I am it will be from my own company.. All sounds great RIGHT.. well if its not one thing its another. its my voice, its I don't pass, its I have to make money to live on.. But I have never been more sure of anything in my life. I know living life as a woman is the right place to be I know living life as the genuine ME is what I have to do to keep breathing.. I have a great record of being successful but nothing more in life scares me more than this.. The therapist who has been great at the gender things has been less help at the get off your butt and do it things than I'd hoped.

Here is the question.. I have been taking it slow and doing everything at my pace but my sanity has suffered.. I HAVE to move forward.. but how?

Sam

Great post.  Hope writing it down has helped you gird yourself for action.  You know what steps come next.  You know which order makes most sense.   It probably doesn't matter if it is coming out to your father or to your son, booking and having VFS or indeed any one of the many other smaller steps that will take you in the direction of your dreams (and future).  Trepidation is real but as they say you can either dip a toe at a time in the pool or you can dive gracefully in and swim confidently on.  Your choice.  I suspect that in the rest of your life you dive right on in and back yourself.  Let us know what you do next but I think you are about to dive in.  Go on, the water looks great.

Safe travels

Aisla

I'm sorry, but I don't have any meaningful advice to pass forward.  I did want to say that I hope it works out for both you and your family.  Good luck with everything. 

Quote from: SamiT on April 28, 2014, 02:25:26 AM
Here is the question.. I have been taking it slow and doing everything at my pace but my sanity has suffered.. I HAVE to move forward.. but how?

What does moving forward look like to you?

Quote from: Ms Grace on April 28, 2014, 07:06:39 AM
What does moving forward look like to you?

Going Full time, having SRS.. Closing the loop. Complete self acceptance..

I'm sure lots of ladies open this and say PSHAW!! Girl got it easy!! I can tell you I'm the first to admit my troubles in life were early on. I'm sure this part is a walk in the park for some gals. Each person has their own journey and each day is a challenge in a different way for each.

I can say this much.. The almost 4 years on HRT and the changes that have happened have settled parts of the dysphoria.  I now know what the Cis-Gender feel towards there gender. I know I'm female there is no doubt about that. Its to get the rest of the package in gear to match..SO my dysphoria has moved from knowing I was a woman underneath the cloak of the mans skin to brining the inner woman to the outside....

Hi SamiT, your story is so similar to mine. You should read my intro post over a year plus ago. I did deny myself much longer than you tho, and achieved unbelieveable financial success. Like you, I denied the truth by developing a very Alpha male image - yes, a true playboy, world class athlete and married 3 times (models and movie stars) with 4 children from 30 years old to 2 years old. For me the timing was right when I chose to start HRT, though at a much later stage in life. I have fufilled my family's obligations and my father can rest in peace. I fortunately have a feminine build and my voice is quite passable without too much training. The voice just seemed to find a new resonance as my intensity and agressiveness left on HRT. I'm still in the closet and I do have a very different male voice which I use when I'm a speaker or lecturer.

I too am at a crossroad. I'm ready to come out and recently have come out to three friend and suprise - they were all very supportive. To look female and have a female voice is just the begining its learing to act feminine so that I dont blow my cover and face embarassment. I also have to leave the city where I live, I'm too well know but I am ever so lucky to be so financially strong. I wish you all the luch and may you face only minor bumps in your road going forward.

Quote from: SamiT on April 28, 2014, 09:31:19 PM
Going Full time, having SRS.. Closing the loop. Complete self acceptance..

I'm sure lots of ladies open this and say PSHAW!! Girl got it easy!! I can tell you I'm the first to admit my troubles in life were early on. I'm sure this part is a walk in the park for some gals. Each person has their own journey and each day is a challenge in a different way for each.

I can say this much.. The almost 4 years on HRT and the changes that have happened have settled parts of the dysphoria.  I now know what the Cis-Gender feel towards there gender. I know I'm female there is no doubt about that. Its to get the rest of the package in gear to match..SO my dysphoria has moved from knowing I was a woman underneath the cloak of the mans skin to brining the inner woman to the outside....

Sami, we all struggle in our own way.  Your own ones are just as important or valid compared to what others face.  And for what it's worth, self acceptance is one of the hardest aspects in life, not just with transitioning.  It sounds like you are progressing fairly well.  Maybe the self acceptance will just come in time.  I hope so, and good luck with coping in the meantime. 

Quote from: SamiT on April 28, 2014, 02:25:26 AM
So here I am.. I know the answers to the questions I'm about to pose to all of you, part of me is hoping that just putting it down here moves me forward..

Like a lot of transgender people I knew early on that I was different. For many years had no inner explanation just a lot of shame. Hid the reality even from myself. I joined the Marines to get tough.. Slept with every girl I could.. ETC.. Got married, got divorced, Got married again.. Had Kids.. Same show just different network...

So at 38 I had a great life, have it all the nice cars, big house, great job, successful in being the ultimate male imitator. But by this time I knew what I really was. Came down to one night in a puddle of tears in my wife's arms. Expecting to loose all of that at that point in time I had to move forward and become what I really knew I was. Went to the therapist and 3 months later the first of many little white pills washed down. I was the text book case according to the therapist. I even had the D in GID mastered. So I did the unthinkable... I quit my career of 15+ years something that I had hung my hat on and proudly wore as something I had stuck to. In my head I was going to a job that was short term and I didn't have the baggage and embarrassment of transitioning at a job where everyone knew my name and face.. I took a job in the oilfields..

Fast forward almost 4 years and a LOT of those magic pills, many therapist appointments, countless laser and electro trips, oh yea and a round or two under the FFS knife. I have a few things that give me away one of which is my voice. Been a stumbling block for me as I have a very low male voice, voice coaching helped with intonation and feminizing my vocabulary but only one thing is going to help this baritone.. that's VFS.. Got that booked then postponed as another shocker came along..

Anyone that I have come out to has been super supportive. My wife, her family, even a few in my family. I wanted to make sure this was the ABSOLUTE right path for me before coming out to my son and father as I suspect those relationships will end once I come out to them. AS if they couldn't tell something was up long before now. But hey...

So here is the shocker for you.. Just as before professional success has followed me, professionally I have never been in a better spot. I am the primary bread winner in the house and making sure the lights are on, food in the cabinet and mortgage paid are my first and primary job. So yes you can say the price that I have put on my mental wellbeing is that my wife and daughter are not living in a cardboard box. So say in 18 months 95% of our bills will be paid off and I wont have to be the primary bread winner and even if I am it will be from my own company.. All sounds great RIGHT.. well if its not one thing its another. its my voice, its I don't pass, its I have to make money to live on.. But I have never been more sure of anything in my life. I know living life as a woman is the right place to be I know living life as the genuine ME is what I have to do to keep breathing.. I have a great record of being successful but nothing more in life scares me more than this.. The therapist who has been great at the gender things has been less help at the get off your butt and do it things than I'd hoped.

Here is the question.. I have been taking it slow and doing everything at my pace but my sanity has suffered.. I HAVE to move forward.. but how?

Sami,

So I take it you are on HRT but living stealth.  I'm trying this and so far the dyphoria has been reduced but I still haven't arrived at the "CONTENT TO FINISH MY LIFE LIKE THIS" station. So I keep progressing but will reach a point where I must stop progressing physically and in my wardrobe or come out and go full time. At this stage only my therapist, endo and wife know. I did well as the alpha male and I own my own successful business but I know the poop would hit the fan if I came out in my business life.

Just take it one day at a time and well find our place in this world.

Hugs

Kay