I am feeling better.  Boss is worried about me and work.  Had the pleasure of telling him I had the best medical and shrink around, and also that I had a tremendous support group for "people like me".  Which he doesn't have enough information to know are trans. That would be you my dears.

You have all made a difference tonight.   I am going to sleep well tonight and learn to accept and embrace the new social me.

Advice and outpouring of love has been so wonderful.

Thanks and blessings

Take things one step at a time.  It doesn't have to all happen overnight.  It can be a frustrating wait, something I realize very well myself, but there is no shame about going at the pace that is best for you and your family.  The work issues will be over soon enough.  Just breathe in while you are waiting for it all to be over.  There is no shame about it being a process.

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on April 28, 2014, 10:42:34 AM
OK I am officially feeling like a freak now. After only two weeks everyone knew there was something up with me. I went from an isolated loner to miss social butterfly. My personality did a 180. After three months I started showing on my exterior. I guess my body REALLY likes "E"!

*lol*  I think that had more to do with your improved mental state and outlook rather than just the effect of E.  People were probably more wondering about what sort of magic mushrooms you were eating/taking.   

Quote from: Satinjoy on April 28, 2014, 04:19:39 PM
Hence the problem with diagnosing me, I have none that fits as of yet.  Not with a duality within mind and body, with the body totally one way and the mind very adaptable and fluid depending on circumstances.

I understand how you feel. Trying to sort out the jumble of feelings about gender can be painful.  I've had some thoughts about my own personal situation - I distinctly remember wishing to be a girl around age 6-7, hating the gender role that was expected of boys.  But being a good child, I dutifully put aside my personal feelings and tried to be the perfect son.  Suppressing one, the other has become a strong learned identity.  Hence the fluidity in my own case.  So the question is, which way is going to make one happiest?  Someone/somethings are going to be hurt regardless of which path is chosen.

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on April 28, 2014, 09:10:07 AM
SJ please don't take this any other way than me trying to understand your situation. I am just puzzled a little. You have been on HRT for one year and no one knows it? Are you not having any physical effects from it? Also if you can go from one presentation to another comfortably where is the problem causing your issue of being out of control? I really am trying to grasp this, but it sounds kind of contradictory to me. I really do want to understand this. I am blonde so you may have to get the crayons out for me!

I have been thinking about this through the night my dear and I have something interesting to share to the community on it.  And I so appreciate you heart in this, really I do.

My E serums are still very low dear and I am 5-9 and 140, I lost 35 lbs to transition.  No one is letting on that they can see the hormones.  But they sure see the memory losses when they change my meds.

In the meltdown and with all of you picking me up off the ground with you incredibly powerful posts, I realized that my entire issue is with denial and acceptance and fear.  I need not trod the path of FTE, I may if I wish, but there is no reason that I would be forced to go there by my dysphoria if I just allow myself to feel and accept myself as I am today.

Here is what I hope helps others:  and this is for Jessica, hopefully my gift to you since you triggered it sweetie

Gender to me is a rainbow of colors, with the blue being the transmen and the red the transwomen. 

I appear to be pink and orange, with mixtures of blue satin, and I seem to be able to move all over the spectrum when I let others see my light, from a pale, washed out blue to a deep red, flowing with the wind and the needs of the moment, adding other surface colors to the core of my pinkish red body.

And then a beautiful red reaches out when the rain and the storm and the lightning is here, trying to comfort based on all she knows of red, trying to understand the fragile pink and orange flower I have become, sharing her life experience living red through and through.  And it is a wonderful moment of love and compassion.

I want to walk this rainbow all the way to the top, to the throneroom of God who created me and it and us, with all its powerful symbol of promise and joy and the view from above will be astounding.  And I want to take as many of us with me on that journey as I possibly can.

My mind is back.  I will not attempt to fight who I am anymore.  It is a battle I cannot win.

And I wanted to be red so bad in order to gain your acceptance.  I have never been accepted as trans before.  Thats how much you all mean to me, I would do anything to earn your love, and yet, you give it freely as a gift anyway, and I need to earn... nothing.

I love everyone here.  You have touched a life.