So, i was really reaally depressed the other night because of all the stuff im dealing with, and i decided it was time to quit going alone
Sme and my mom had a loong talk the other night. We're talking 3 hours. I was just explaining to her some of the stuff I feel and go through, and have gone through...finally told her about the cutting, so that's good.
When we were talking she looked at me and she goes "I'm thinking you're more genderfluid"...needless to say I was pretty stunned this 50 year old White, Christian cishet lady knew what the hell that was.
Appoarently shed picked up all these books on gender and ->-bleeped-<-, and she was like...so so super supportive! I told her how I wanted to keep growing my hair and taking hormones, and she said there was no reason why I couldn't do that and still be a girl when i wanted to or be a boy when I wanted to, and that shed support me either way (she's already said any name/pronouns are fine). And I have to say...woww! That really went a long way with me!
To hear this lady say all...it was so liberatibg, because if someone like her can seed it that way then why can't I? This is the same wonan who once said my sister being gay was an abomination, tried to put us both in reparative therapy, fought my transition tooth and nal for months and like...you couldn't get more bigoted than her. But mow, here she is buying me hormones, clothes, makeup, constantly trying to get me yo go outlet shopping with her or take a makeup class with her and I'm like so thankful for how much support I get from some amazing people in my life...makes up for all the jerks who cut me off.
I've been looking at the downsides lately, and I think it's because I've basically been feeling like I have to get rid of apart of myself and really? It was amazing to hear I can have it all from somebody who once tried to make me something I could never be.
So there's a positive message! I still have the mental problems. I still have the self image issues the anorexia and the cutting that I need to work on, and I stilk need help. But it's nice to have a couple days where I see the silver lining! Let's hope it keeps up and gets better. I'm not out f the woods yet, but I am thankful and grateful for the good in my life...because that's there, too, even if it gets forgotten under the bad stuff.
