Edge, we are probably just going to need to agree to disagree then. Even if we're coming from the same place it's not likely that we're going to come to the same conclusion, and I'm sure that either way we're both spreading awareness so that's something.
But anyway, I have a lot of feelings on this topic, and I put off responding until now because I wanted to find a comment I put on another article that addressed something similar to this that I felt summed up my feelings decently.
"The mention of "[GenderF]" [not sure if this term in its uncensored form breaks forum rules] made me smile, as I often used that term to describe myself in my private blog out of frustration when I was starting to come to terms with my identity confusion. And while I tell people that I am non-binary for politeness and formality's sake (even though that label doesn't quite ring true for me), nothing has fit how I feel about my gender (in terms of society's concept of gender and gender roles in general) quite as perfectly as [GenderF] does. My own gender identity still causes a lot of negative emotions mostly towards myself and partly towards people who laid the foundations for me to have to make a big deal out of this in my head in the first place.
That being said, I'm uncomfortable identifying as "trans" or "trans*", because it makes me feel extremely guilty. ... Part of the reason I stayed closeted for so long was because most people see others who identify outside either cisgender or FtM/MtF to just be people grabbing for attention and trying to "fit in with the cool trans kids" or whatever, and even though I know that's a load of bull, I feel bad identifying as trans* because I don't want to prove them right. I want to convey to everyone that I know my place so that I can be myself in peace. Even if that means avoiding talking about some things I really relate to because, according to the majority of the LGBT community, I can't relate to any of it."
My views of my own gender are extremely complicated and still a work in progress; Labels don't fit, pronouns don't sound right, nothing falls where I want it to. Even I couldn't tell you with 100% certainty where I fall yet. But because of the sheer amount of people debating this very topic, I refuse to identify outwardly as trans*, because even as an outsider this community is important to me since I have so many loved ones who are transitioning, and I feel I can't represent everyone in it properly and trying to do so would be selfish of me.
This usually means that the only people I am comfortable talking with about personal gender-related issues are NB folk who are very, very relaxed about it... which presents several problems to me. Namely, the ones who say "oh yeah, he, she, they, whatever... I don't care. Call me whatever you want! They're just words." And, being that they're the only support group I feel mostly comfortable discussing things with due to the fact that I know I definitely won't be judged or evaluated on my responses, I still feel the need to say "oh haha, me too" or something along those lines, because that is the proper and accepted response. Even if that's not how I feel at all. To me, gender isn't just a game or a piece of clothing I put on and off or what other people think the color of my eyes is at a distance. It's a source of pain. Nothing is ever right, even if I bind it's not good enough because my face is too feminine and I could never pass on the street in my wildest dreams. My reflection stares back at me and all I see is "wrong" all over my body and I don't know how to fix it because the second I think that one thing might help my mindset changes and then it's wrong for a different reason and I can never make permanent decisions because of this, because then I'll only be faced with the opposite problem. And I know other people see the wrongness that I see as well, I know because even though I have already came out to every single one of my friends and told them that they can refer to me as whatever they want to and I would REALLY REALLY PREFER THAT THEY MIX IT UP MAYBE OR TRY SOMETHING OTHER THAN SHE EVERY ONCE IN A BLUE MOON HINT HINT (because if you are not transsexual and you want to be referred to with pronouns aside from that of your birth gender then obviously you are an ->-bleeped-<- and everyone talks about you behind your back, I've witnessed this with a number of my non binary friends already and it kinda scares me how quickly the community turns on them when they aren't looking) and their default, and only thing they EVER refer to me as, is "she". Even when I make an honest attempt to present as masculine as I possibly can. "She". "Her". "Herself". "Hers". She she she she SHE SHE SHE. It hurts, it honestly does. It isn't just a word to me, like so many of my NB friends claim it is. To me, it's a constant reminder of how people see me, how they ALWAYS see me, and how I'm afraid they WILL always see me. The expectations that come along with it, the assumptions, the judgement; it hurts. I can't always just brush it off, I'm not that strong. Not when gender is in literally everything we experience and talk about as human beings in one way or another. The more I think about it, the more it hurts, and the more I hate it. The only two people who've actually made any change at all are the lovely cuties that I am dating who have taken to using "they" as a default with me, and just the fact that they both recognize my internal struggle and are trying to help even when they don't have to means so much to me. I daydream (and sometimes actually dream, if I do dream) constantly about getting sir'd or something along those lines; I don't think I ever have in my entire life, and it's probably not going to happen, so I've forced myself to accept that they're only daydreams. I've only ever been asked if I was a guy or what pronouns I go by with someone I don't know once or twice before, while in cosplay (I cosplay as male characters since it's more socially acceptable to be masculine as someone else than to present masculine as yourself), and I swear to god I nearly cried the one time I remember for sure and probably the other time as well. I remember when I was very young every time heaven was brought up in church I would wish as hard as I could that it would be genderless. No streets of gold, no endless feasts, none of that; All I ever wanted was just a place where I didn't have to think about this, where society would literally not care at all about what I wanted to do or say that would otherwise have gendered implications, where I didn't have to be shoved into a box and was completely free of a concept that I hated with a fiery burning passion even as a small child. I realize that this probably wouldn't solve all of my problems, namely how I see myself, but it would be a start. It would help. It would be nice.
The other day, I got into a conversation with someone because they had posted to facebook "sorry but if your preferred pronoun is some made up word i don't know if i can talk to you". Turns out they were actually referring to otherkin pronouns rather than gender pronouns, but a gender-related discussion broke out in the comments and I felt the need to stop by and add, "hhhhhh I don't want to make anybody mad but this is kind of the reason why I don't ever even attempt to present more neutrally or explore neutral pronouns even though I feel much more comfortable heading in that direction because I never know how much of what I want to try is what people think is okay and not okay and especially people I look up to or are close to because I don't want anyone to hate me. I'm sorry I'm not saying your opinion is bad and you can't have it or anything I can clearly tell you're upset and I know what it's like to be told you can't say anything I just kind of felt like mentioning that thing I am very sorry". They then proceeded to message me and explain what they meant, and any time I would start to explain my feelings on the matter (which are technically a moot point since I can't even decide on anything anyway), they would basically reply with "that's fine so long as you're not one of those people that DEMANDS that people use other pronouns for you". And I just remember thinking... that doesn't help at all? You literally just stated why I will never ask for things that might make me feel better about myself. Why I don't feel like I CAN, like I am allowed to. Because it's annoying and burdensome to other people. They said that if people like me wanted a gender neutral pronoun we should "just pick one", as if we as a group are cohesive enough to decide on one that everyone likes and then POWERFUL enough in our small numbers to make the rest of the population accept that into common everyday language within the course of one lifetime, just like that. Just because we want it. And here's the kicker. When I started talking about how I felt, they said something along the lines of "yeah I kind of feel that way too, like a while ago I thought I was neutral or androgynous or something? I don't care if people call me "he" or "she", like they're just words and don't mean anything to me really." And I thought, Oh? That's so nice for you. I wish I could feel that way. Because I actually DO care; I want people to see me as male but they only ever see me as female, and so, no, "he" and "she" are NOT just words. But I didn't say it, because after they forced themself on my level without actually understanding me they were too quick to use that against me and tell me how I should behave and feel, because that's how they would behave and feel.
I don't want to identify with that. I don't want people like that feeling like they know how I feel, how I'm actually supposed to be completely chill about gender when the reality is that it's caused more breakdowns and panic attacks than anything else in my life. And they were a bad example, because most of my NB friends are open to anything and never try to dictate someone's actions, but the concept still applies. So I'm faced with a choice: continue to seek support with people who do not understand but accept me, or attempt to seek support with people who may understand but may not accept me. I can't bring myself to pick the second. I cannot, in good conscience, identify as trans*, even though I probably fit under a couple definitions and it might make my life just the slightest bit easier.
Does the umbrella actually include individuals like me? Don't know, would be lying if I said I didn't care. But until the answer is a resounding "yes", I don't feel right doing so. I don't feel like I am allowed to do so.
I word-vomited a bit... I'm sorry. I just never really felt like I could talk about this.
