Below is another (admittedly shorter episode) of "Danniella's Wild Dysphoria Ride!"
It involves brief recounting of a very strange event that I was involved in today. Hope somebody enjoys reading my continued rants
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So there I was, grabbing a few bits from the Tesco in the town centre, when I hear a rising commotion from outside the store.
I think nothing of it, finish up my shop and, bags in hand, leave the store. But the instant I emerge into the street, I can see a sizeable crowd has gathered in a circle around a most strange sight.
A bearded man in a cheap suit staood on a bench, clutching a bible in one hand and holding upright a large placard with the other, was screaming at the top of his lungs an impromptu sermon on the sins of man and the collected crowd.
His placard read "The Equation is Simple, 1 man + 1 woman = 1 Marriage, No exceptions"
As I stood enraptured by the bizarre scene, like the rest of the gathered crowd, the man continued his rage filled, homophobic rant, making clear his stance that marriage should never be between people of the same gender, lest we invoke the wrath of God.
I watch as he begins to focus his ranting on specific targets in the crowd, one by one picking them out, listing their apparent "Sins" and screaming about redemption.
With the ink on the new Gay marriage laws in Scotland barely even dry, and as somebody who detests the spreading of flagrant homophobia, not to mention the criminal misapplication of basic algebra, I felt the need to interject on his ongoing, and increasingly phlegm filled, rant.
Now I should preface this by saying that I have done this type of thing many times before in the past. I stand firm by the old saying that "The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil, is that good men should do nothing"...and also the lesser known saying that "Haters are like crickets, they chirp all ->-bleeped-<-ing day, but when you walk up them, they shut the ->-bleeped-<- up."
What I did not anticipate during the particular verbal confrontation that ensued, was that I have just started fulltime this week, and just how much this piece of vital information would take the argument to a whole other level.
So as I push my way to the front of the crowd, I can see the fanatic's eyes fall upon me. I pull myself up to my full 6'4" heeled height and find that the man is not as high above me as anticipated...clearly he needed the bench to preach from, otherwise people would be wondering where the hate speech was coming from. I manage to silence the man after a moment with an outstretched palm and a stern expression.
"All right good sir" I say, attempting to keep my voice as civil as possible, since I have found this to be the most effective way to get people enraged. "So do tell me, where do I stand in this most ironclad of equations?" I say, gesturing towards the offending placard and it's woeful text.
"As a woman! Placed here by the lord!" He bellows, throwing his gaze across the crowd once more, as he attempts to work my interjection into his sermon, "You shall marry and bear children, as is best to spread his undying love, and the lessons the bible teaches us!"
I can't help but giggle and move in closer, gesturing for him to bend down to listen to what I have to say next...
As he complies. leaning down and looking at me intently, I speak in as hushed a voice as I can muster over the murmuring of the confused and entertained crowd.
"What if I told you" I say, switching to my male voice momentarily, "That I am not a woman at all, and that your pathetic equation is as antiquated and irrelevant as the hateful filth you spout in a transparent attempt to make your sorry life have some greater meaning."
...
I must admit, I take a twisted joy in this particular form of verbal cowing, and I do so with what my friends have remarked as an "alarming and very unsafe frequency"...but in all my years of verbal confrontation, I have never witnessed a reaction quite like the one the small fanatic produced today...
He turned bright red, paused for a moment, his jaw slamming so far open that it looked like it would never manage to ascend the monumental height back to its original elevation, then he pointed one shaking hand at me...and began to scream...
"THIS IS NO WOMAN!" he screamed frantically, "IT IS A DEVIL IN HUMAN FORM! A DEMON FROM HELL SENT TO LEAD OUR FLOCK ASTRAY! LISTEN NOT TO HER WORDS! SHE IS HERE TO TAINT AND CLAIM YOUR SOULS!"
There was no amount of composure that could prepare me for that response, and as I burst out laughing (in an arguably maniacal manner) I turned to the gathered crowd as he continued to rant over my head, and spoke to them.
"Oh no! He caught me!" I laugh "I'm totally a Demon from hell, here for your souls. Oh well, busted! Everybody get in the bag, time to take you back to hell." I say, holding one of my shopping bags open and gesturing for people to climb in it.
The crowd, revelling in the absurdity of the situation, burst into uproarious laughter,
The fanatic began to go even crazier than I imagined possible, howling borderline incoherent threats of retribution and damnation at the top of his lungs, the crowds mirth only made even greater by his outbursts, with the odd audible jeering and clapping permeating the continued deafening uproar.
The in a bizarre way, the whole thing reminded me of my extremely brief stage career. (Yes I was terrible, apparently no amount of "enthusiasm" is an adequate compensation for being tone deaf and having atrocious natural rhythm).
In my head there were roses being thrown, cries for an encore and numerous adoring fans lining up for autographs of the brave person who stood up to the lunatic. But in reality, the only autographs I wrote today, were as indicated on the bottom right hand corner of every sheet of paper on a small mountain of paperwork, as I sat in the waiting room of the local police station, trying to explain to an entirely humourless police officer how I was involved in a most unsavoury disturbance of the peace in the town centre today at lunch time.
I have no idea what happened to the crestfallen fanatic, last I saw he was being silenced when the police placed him inside a separate car, and my inquires to his fate were met with a stern
"You will find out more should any charges be levelled, until then I cannot discuss the matter any further."
I guess some people simply have no appreciation for the performing arts...
...
So that was the highlight of my day Susan's, thought you might get a kick out of it ^^;
