I started dressing full-time about 2 months after talking with my therapist (2 months before starting HRT) and there have been moments where i've thought to myself "maybe i made a mistake by deciding to go full-time this early"

but then I remember how good i feel dressing in the appropriate clothes and how ->-bleeped-<-ty i feel wearing male clothes. I dont pass often (at least I dont think so, these days i can't tell if people are staring because i'm freakishly tall or because "its a dude!") its more like hit or miss depending on what i wear or my makeup/hair, but even when I get stared at, i just imagine that these people are rude gawkers with no manners. I also just remind myself one of two things (depending on how I'm feeling) which are:

A) I'm on my way to being beautiful
or B) I'm doing this for me, and this takes courage. Most people dont even have the courage to admit liking a certain artist, I'm embracing my femininity and f*** everyone else.

There are many times where I feel bad, sometimes its just fears and worries on whether or not hormones will do for me what i'm hoping, and other times i think about how I have to accept that a lot of my friends who support me (and use the proper pronouns and the proper name) will still never see me as female. They'll always see me as a trans woman... or a girl who use to be a guy, and it sucks. My only other option is to get new friends, but they are supportive and respectful.. i just cant change how their brains rationalize.

In the end, i just have to remind myself that I'm doing this for me, and that I'm living the life I was meant to live regardless of what people think or do. The only thing I havent been able to control is my response to misgendering... it really REALLY brings me down.... and luckily for me either i pass better than before or the world somehow became more respectful, because i don't get misgendered on appearance anymore, but the moment people see my legal name because of my ID... they immediately destroy any idea in their head that i'm female and the misgendering begins. I also hate being called by my legal name (I'm a month away from changing my name legally, but it still gets to me)

My wife seems to believe that in the future I will pass 100%... I admire her optimism and its what I have to rely on because I dont often think rationally enough to agree. I've actually learned to react differently to rude gawking people. Back then i would cry and blame my appearance or think myself ugly. Now I raise my voice and say "man its AMAZING HOW SOME PEOPLE JUST LOVE TO STARE!" and it makes them really uncomfortable, or other times i'll gawk back (if my wife hasnt already managed to lol) I'm trying to work up the courage to blow them a kiss because THAT makes them reeaaaaaally uncomfortable (obviously not the safest thing to do, but seeing as I'm 6'1' and still have a bit of muscle mass left, I doubt anyone would dare respond... either way most of the time the people who gawk are unfit hispanic men, moms walking around with their kids, or old ladies... doubt any of them are going to stand up and react physically, and in the event that they do, i can defend myself and my wife is a loose cannon).

So what have i said in all this pointless rambling? Just be you and remind yourself that you possess more strength than most of society because you're not afraid to be who you are, while everyone else is too busy caring what others think that they have become products of society's acceptance.

Thank you everyone for your feedback.  I've been doing a lot of soul searching as of late, and while I talk a lot about passing, much of this isn't about passing.  IT's about hiding from society and avoiding getting judged or hurt by other people.  I don't know how I get passed my past and everything, but I've got to do some work in that department.  It's weird but every person I interact with may as well be holding a knife and threatening me.  I'm damaged and need to get passed this all.  I've been able to stop from fully breaking down by putting myself in a cocoon as you will but it's getting harder each time I take down my defense and allow what's really there to be judged.  I'm losing it.  Transitioning is important to me because it allows me to be myself and stop feeling like I need to hide which is killing me but I feel like there needs to be some extra step.  MY therapist keeps pushing exposure therapy, which is important, but I feel there has got to be other steps to get me passed my fear of people and my past.  I don't  know.  I'll make it in the end, but for now I've been feeling some soul crushing depression that is only getting worse.  Don't worry, I have a new puppy to teach and play with, so I have a good escape to help me through my internal drama. 

Thank you all for your help.  When I am feeling more able to absorb your words, aka feeling less emotional, I will reread your suggestions and words.  Thank you.

Quote from: learningtolive on May 06, 2014, 02:12:09 PMI've been able to stop from fully breaking down by putting myself in a cocoon as you will but it's getting harder each time I take down my defense and allow what's really there to be judged.

I know this feeling all too well -______- especially now. I'm currently in a stage in my transition where I feel extremely vulnerable... I even hesitated coming back on this site because I've just been sheltering myself away from support sites, support groups, transition videos or before and after pictures because lately they tend to make me break down. It really sucks.. I've even avoided all my friends too because I cant handle being misgendered by them right now. I can't imagine how its been for you though if you've been this way for a long time... I've only just started being this way and it hurts because I'm a social butterfly... so not being social as an attempt to avoid breaking down is difficult. You're not alone though.

If it helps, I've seen pics of you that you have posted in previous threads and I wish I looked like you :3 and I'm not just saying that to be nice... im serious lol.

For me its depend how I'm miss genderd.

Eg
If its fam and freinds, then they spend 25 years calling me male pronouns I can't exspect them to be able to forget all those memories of me. That's a funny one its self, they talk about things prior to comming out it "he erm she sorry" talk about yesterday and its "she erm wait ya she"

If its a random then, they don't know anything about me.
I'm ok with this because I meet some new people talk to them a bit and its she every time. Of course that the nice ones. And the predudice ones? Well if its not ->-bleeped-<-, it would be some other part of my personality they choose to victamise me over anyway.

I have had some people I know say to me that they won't call me she antill srs and I'm in their words all said and don't, but after spending more time with me being me they all seemed to just start using she anyway.

But the overall thing that helps me cope with the general population is, the more I'm reffered to as male, the happyer I'm when reffered to as female

Passing feels awesome don't get me wrong but I just want to be me, and that being happy with my own apearence. When I pass to myself ill be able to get on with my life.

Quote from: LittleEmily24 on May 06, 2014, 02:26:55 PM
I know this feeling all too well -______- especially now. I'm currently in a stage in my transition where I feel extremely vulnerable... I even hesitated coming back on this site because I've just been sheltering myself away from support sites, support groups, transition videos or before and after pictures because lately they tend to make me break down. It really sucks.. I've even avoided all my friends too because I cant handle being misgendered by them right now. I can't imagine how its been for you though if you've been this way for a long time... I've only just started being this way and it hurts because I'm a social butterfly... so not being social as an attempt to avoid breaking down is difficult. You're not alone though.

If it helps, I've seen pics of you that you have posted in previous threads and I wish I looked like you :3 and I'm not just saying that to be nice... im serious lol.

Thank you for the compliments.  It really helps me combat my own poor self image to know there are others who feel differently.

Yeah, I'm far from a social butterfly, but wish I could be.  That's sort of part of my problem.  However, I feel so much fear and anxiety around other people.  Like everyone is going to hurt or hate me.  It's totally irrational but it's based in past experience.  Getting past this is so hard.   I've been able to survive in the past, but that was because I could "play a part".  I could play the role of what was required of me and take on that persona.  Whether it was an organizer in politics, an intern for a government office, teacher's assistant, office assistant that talks to patient's all day, I did my best to exceed in that role and could be quite social when called for.  I've always been awkward and shy around people, but I could play my part as best as I could. However, when it calls on me to be myself, I get terrified.  I can make a speech in a room full of people, but I can't walk into a store to shop without severe anxiety.  So, I can be social if I'm working in some way, but just being myself and living normal aspects of life is really hard.  It's odd.  I was a great student, but god little things like sitting alone in a lunch room was so hard.  Just small talk scares me.  I'd rather serve a purpose and fuffil a task than be myself in any capacity. Now that I'm really being true to my feelings and exposing who I am to the world rather than hiding, I absolutly terrified.  People scare me.  What people think of me, how they'll take me and everything is just crippling.  I need people to accept and like me. I was bullied pretty bad and stuff and was a complete loser growing up.  Maybe that's part of why, but I think the root is elsewhere (I can't talk about those things though I really want to).  In any case, this mentality is something I'm trying to get passed.   But I don't know if my therapists methods are working completely.  She is pushing me for more exposure therapy, but I feel something else needs to be done.  To be fair, I haven't fully disclosed certain family aspects, but she got the jist of it after knowing me for a year and having met them which was eye opening to her about how real some of the control aspects are.  I don't know.  Nonetheless, I'm sure my anxiety is making everything with my transition so much harder than it really should be.  If I can just stop feeling like this, then it wouldn't matter and I could just be myself without caring.  Seriously, I can't wait to be able to dress and express myself and all, but the best part of this transition would be to have mental freedom from other people's shackles.  The ability to just be myself and maybe even love myself independently to other people's thoughts and expectations.  That's what I want.  For me, it's not about being an MTF and escaping just gender stuff, it's about being who I am and being confident in that without having to constantly be afriad of others and change myself to meet their expecations.  Right now, I still do this.  Passing is all about reaching a societal expectation that allows me to feel validation from the world.  I think I will need to pass like 100 percent in order to make the steps I need given my current mental state, but I can't wait for the day where I could be free from other people's thoughts and judgements.

Quote from: ButterflyVickster on May 07, 2014, 12:19:12 AM
For me its depend how I'm miss genderd.

Eg
If its fam and freinds, then they spend 25 years calling me male pronouns I can't exspect them to be able to forget all those memories of me. That's a funny one its self, they talk about things prior to comming out it "he erm she sorry" talk about yesterday and its "she erm wait ya she"

If its a random then, they don't know anything about me.
I'm ok with this because I meet some new people talk to them a bit and its she every time. Of course that the nice ones. And the predudice ones? Well if its not ->-bleeped-<-, it would be some other part of my personality they choose to victamise me over anyway.

I have had some people I know say to me that they won't call me she antill srs and I'm in their words all said and don't, but after spending more time with me being me they all seemed to just start using she anyway.

But the overall thing that helps me cope with the general population is, the more I'm reffered to as male, the happyer I'm when reffered to as female

Passing feels awesome don't get me wrong but I just want to be me, and that being happy with my own apearence. When I pass to myself ill be able to get on with my life.

Yes, I would be so much happier if I liked the way I looked and passed to myself.  That's still probably the hardest thing for me, so I understand exactly what you mean about having a positive assessment on your own appearance.  Can't wait for the day I could look in the mirror and like what I see. 

Quote from: learningtolive on April 29, 2014, 11:23:20 AM
Thanks everyone.  I'm just kinda going through something.  I don't like being unemployed and right now I feel very devoid of meaning or purpose in life.   Like I'm just existing but without a reason.  And rather than fill that gap of loneliness and meaningless, I just don't feel able to step forward at this time.  So, I'm the creator of my own misery.

Hi
After reading the stuff you have been saying I just had to stop lurking and say something. So So So much of what you have said could have been written by me. Not just the quoted part, but almost everything. There are some key differences though. I recently realised that I derive far too much of my self worth from my interactions with my friends. Or rather, how much they seem to remember I exist. For the last 3 or so years it hasn't really been that much. I have always been sort of socially awkward after being bullied quite a bit. No idea what I did wrong at the time and still don't. But my reaction to it was to say 'well, I'm suffering the down sides of not fitting in without actually not fitting in. May as well have the upside of not trying to fit in and just be myself. Getting punched all the same'. As a result I didn't have many friends but I thought they were decent. Around 3 years ago something shiny caught their attention and they got quite consumed in it. I was too busy with uni. As a result they kind of 'forgot' I existed for a while and haven't really remember much since. It's not that they don't like me, it's just that I have to initiate almost everything except big things, which lots of others are invited to anyway. Being forgotten by all but 1 friend kind of screws you up. Having that happen on top of social anxiety... That's one half of how I ended up spending most of most days sitting and staring out of the window at nothing wondering why I'm so worthless and pathetic that this could happened. How did I think they were really decent friends? Why was I so stupid to think that?

The other half is that I have almost nothing of me left to give me any self worth, except those people. I don't have a job, although I can sometimes summon some small amount of energy to work on getting one (maybe I shouldn't though. Would I be able to maintain it as I am now?). But I used to have hobbies aside from gaming. I won't get into the gaming as it's long and this is going to be sorta long anyway, but it's good and bad. I still want to do these hobbies and there are several new things I want to try. But the depression has kind of numbed me. In the last year I've managed to claw back some emotions (I've cried more in the last year than the rest of my life and then some) but I still can't really feel motivation. Archery or painting or whatever takes effort. Energy. I have so little energy because I'm so depressed and negative about myself (I can spend hours thinking about how useless and worthless I've become) and don't experience the motivation need to put effort into the things I want to do. 90% of what I do now is habit.

But it is so easy to just carry on like that. It just requires doing nothing about it. It hurts. I cry. Sometimes randomly, sometimes to sleep. But that's just my life now. I can think about how crap it is and I can map out everything that is wrong and where I want to go, but if I don't act, just think and fester, it won't change. I have tried making changes but it always falls apart as my mood changes. There can be various reasons from 'friends' doing something to trigger it (without even knowing. They have no idea how I feel.) to the wind changing. When that happens I just go into survival mode and shut down for a while. Hours to a couple of days.

I mentioned all that partially for context and partially because I don't think there is anywhere else/another time I can say it.

Quote from: learningtolive on April 29, 2014, 11:23:20 AM
I feel very devoid of meaning or purpose in life. Like I'm just existing but without a reason.  And rather than fill that gap of loneliness and meaningless

I'm kind of assuming that our experiences in this regard are the same. The bit about no work, hobbies, etc. Survival has a time and place, but it isn't enough. The loneliness and meaningless is JUST surviving and it (at least for me) has an almost addictive quality. Changing it to actually living won't be easy.
My current plan (which I WILL start tomorrow as it's 4:34, probs won't be till around 4:50/5:00 I finish this. And yes, that's AM. Sleep cycle is another screw up I haven't been able to correct despite numerous attempts over 4 years) is to write out a list of who I want to become. What sort of person, the interests and hobbies I want to explore. It doesn't have to be a perfect vision of the future, it should be messy. It's not going to be a bible I hold myself to, it's an exploration and exploration is imperfect (perfectionist here too. Holds me back a LOT but I have actually improved on that). Then, I will pick 1 thing from that list and do it. I might spend an hour shooting my bow again. Need to build my arm muscles back up. Then I will record what I did. The next day, I'll pick another thing from the list. Could be the same thing, but should probs be different. I'll do that and record that I did it. That way I'm doing SOMETHING to change myself without going too far beyond my bounds and breaking. Having the list written down means I can't just escape it or change what's on the list to rationalise away another day. When I next crash and feel like dirt and want to surrender to the depression and self abusive thought cycles about how worthless and useless and empty I am, I can look at that list and see that I CAN change and I AM changing and that it's a &#!~]{4 lie, that I'm not worthless. I'll hopefully build up some confidence and self worth independent of anyone else. As I do that, actually doing something to become a person again, to live, not just survive, the change and growth will become my new habit, my new life that replaces the old abuse and shows me that it was wrong.
At least I hope so. As I haven't tried it, it might not work and I might stay stuck surviving in misery.

Anyway. I hope something there can be of use or at least food for thought. Or I might have completely misunderstood what you meant and just ranted. Final thing, don't think that just because some of the stuff you have said is a tornado of misery means that it can't help. Actually seeing myself reflected in that prompted this post and latest attempt. It helps knowing that I'm not the only person messed up like this and that I'm not some unique waste. If it can happen to others, then I guess it's just human and I'm not such a monster.

Naomi

Hey Goldfish,

Thank you for sharing.  Believe me, to know that there are people hearing my thoughts and connecting with them is VERY meaningful to me.  It makes me feel less alone when other people are able to empathize or understand in their own way.  I always hope my ramblings may do more good despite the fact that I constantly fear I cause others more harm than anything.  Please feel free to continue sharing as well. 

As for your feelings, I can obviously understand what that emptiness feels like.  And it may not transfer through the internet but I really feel what you are saying.  The emptiness, lack of meaning and loneliness is one of the toughest things to go through.  In fact, sometimes I just consider ending everything rather than trying to see it through considering how insurmountable of a challenge it really is.  But there is no pointing in self harm and quitting.  To see that you are taking up the challenge again and knowing I'm part of that is something very special to me.  Seriously, more special than words of praise or compliments.  To know that maybe I had a positive impact on and connected with another human being in itself makes me feel less empty and gives me some meaning.  Thank you for sharing this.

In any event, I'm sorry to see you struggling as well, but I'm glad you are going to strive for change.  We all need to believe in ourselves even when we don't.  It's a paradox but one that makes sense.  Keep trying no matter the difficulty and keep us posted on your development.  I'm interested in how it all turns out. 

P.S.  Welcome to Susan's.

Hi,

Passing blending in or being seen as a female  not this kid no way ever,  oh well tough biccies ,

Im a human being is that not enough do i need more do i have to ...look ... a certain
way before im accepted as normal.  again tough biccies it wont happen.

Im allready female and dont look  like a normal female  should .

Well so far i'v been accepted as a member of 6 groups of well over 1000 members   and they said they wonted me to be a part of them to work with them on 3 committee's, as a public relations person and help where ever im needed,

thats only a small part.

Being intersexed means im different look different yet dress as any other female,
yes i have male facial features, other wise im a normal looking woman.

What you have to do is get out join groups of people get known be interested  in whats going on become a part of socity. put your self in the front line be a doer .

you know .... the old story .... = would you mind helping here or there start out doing little things so others will see .... oh she's a helper ... lets have her on board,  next your a member  oh would you like to be on our committee , oh wow.

You see where im coming from.

no excuses no but...but.... you just get on with life,

People will allways look at myself ,  im allso well known,  so what i dont look  quite like a female. that has not stopped people coming to me for help or just to say hi or say we know about you. or to make  comments because i'v taken the time to dress nicely for any one of our do's ,

its not ...just... about what you look like its about you the person you for who you are. And i can be in work clothes look like dirt, and hot and  sweaty from a job,

it'll allways be,  Hi noeleena  hows the job going or at a function hi noeleena   you look nice. you see what this is about ,

Being accepted for who ...you are...

...noeleena...

Hi
It's good to know my emotional half rant had a good impact then. Wasn't sure how it would come across.

I sometimes think of 'that' as well. Not going to though. Last April a combination of fear/concern about the future (it was only about 5-6 weeks after discovering that transitioning was a think I could do, not just some mythical story. Destroyed any plans I had for what to do after uni), pressure due to recent problems with uni work and trying to do something positive about my depression (all that happened was I started to feel emotional pain again. Great) pretty much crippled me to the point where I could barely function. For pretty much all of April I spent vast amounts of time zoned out torturing myself with destructive thought cycles and self abuse. In an hour I might have been able to do 5 mins of work. Was like dreaming, in that when I was zoned out I didn't realise I had done it and so couldn't just shake it off. Had to wait till I 'woke up'. Was pretty sure I was going to fail my last year and waste the last 4 years + fees. Left with nothing to show but debt and no money to do anything about transitioning with. Went as far as to examine common ways people try to get out, create a fool proof plan and mentally rehearse it. In the end I decided that the whole point of transitioning was to have a chance at living and it would be sooo stupid to give in before trying. Uni also went far better than I dared dream, so that helped me recover some sanity. So although the thought still crosses my mind when I'm feeling my worst I just have to remember that the feelings will pass and there is still so much to do and so much progress has already been made.

Quote from: learningtolive on May 07, 2014, 11:28:45 PM
considering how insurmountable of a challenge it really is.

Insurmountable or just in dire need of chipping? Keep trying and I'm sure you'll get there too. Even if each try only makes a slight difference, it's still i slight bit closer and that should never be forgotten 

Quote from: learningtolive on May 07, 2014, 11:28:45 PM
We all need to believe in ourselves even when we don't.  It's a paradox but one that makes sense.  Keep trying no matter the difficulty and keep us posted on your development.  I'm interested in how it all turns out. 

P.S.  Welcome to Susan's.

Yeah, I know what you mean. Strangely enough, the stuff I just talked about serves to show me that I can cope with a lot. Hopefully the list/diary I mentioned should help too. Though I always feel really really awkward just making a thread/post just to say something about my experiences.
Thanks for the welcome. I'll try to be active. I do want to be, but just nervous so no promises