So do any trans people here have casual flings with cis people regularly? I don't consider myself trans anymore but from a practical standpoint i'm still in the same place. I want to experiment but... How do you really handle the issue of the goods not matching the presentation? For example If i look like a girl but just say I'm a boy, do you think that people who are still interested are actually interested? Knowing that i have a penis? Or are they maybe not totally getting the picture? FWIW i did make an okcupid and some people were interested and actually saw my gender, but like, with gay men.. I just feel positive that they must be getting the wrong idea. Idk. Like maybe they thought i passed better than most people who saw it would, and then they'd meet me and go "oh."

And with cis people you know IRL, how do you break the news and does it ever work out? Who responds better/worse?

I don't really mind ->-bleeped-<-s btw unless it's just all about the sex, i mean they still have to see me as a human being at least a little bit. Things might be easier when I look more boyish but for now...

So yah. Discuss and share? (: thank you.

Once you look more boyish in a couple months, you should be able to date gay men with no problems. As far as people IRL, there's never a good time, but I'd wait a couple dates. Who are you trying to date? Gay men? I don't want to pry but i can't help but ask, what happened to your BF?

Quote from: Joanna Dark on April 29, 2014, 03:35:28 AM
Once you look more boyish in a couple months, you should be able to date gay men with no problems. As far as people IRL, there's never a good time, but I'd wait a couple dates. Who are you trying to date? Gay men? I don't want to pry but i can't help but ask, what happened to your BF?

Idk... men in general, orientation is up to them I'm even feeling experimental so I'd consider a masculine girl too. I prefer older people regardless though, like at least a few yrs. Anyway not looking to get tied down but there are options now and I want to experience life more before I get gross and old. I just don't know how to break it to people. I've never really had to before.. :s

Bf and I are not exclusive. There are good reasons but anyway yah it's not important.

I dunno. I think umm...the last time I went out with a guy it was off a craigslist ad labeled, I think..."sexiest ladyboy around" lol? So I'm not a good person to give advice on this subject, needless to say, haha. Though I actually got 300 local responses in about a week on that, before it was deleted. Most were crap but some, not so bad! I love craigslist, tbh....look for my picture on the news.

But yeah I'm going out next week with a guy I met off another app...I think Skout or Badoo or one of those. He's actually bisexual. I had a profile on there as male for bleeps and giggles, but then he hit me up and his first thingy was "Are you a girl? youre really pretty" and I explained everything aand, yeah.

I've honestly only met like two guys off OkC but it's less seedy, so there's that. I'd recommend making the profile as F and then going into more detail on your profile. Gay men will not be interested in you at this point, tbh. Bi men and ->-bleeped-<-s. Avoid straight guys, they're jerks.

Quote from: Abbyxo on May 04, 2014, 06:00:12 PM
I dunno. I think umm...the last time I went out with a guy it was off a craigslist ad labeled, I think..."sexiest ladyboy around" lol? So I'm not a good person to give advice on this subject, needless to say, haha. Though I actually got 300 local responses in about a week on that, before it was deleted. Most were crap but some, not so bad! I love craigslist, tbh....look for my picture on the news.

But yeah I'm going out next week with a guy I met off another app...I think Skout or Badoo or one of those. He's actually bisexual. I had a profile on there as male for bleeps and giggles, but then he hit me up and his first thingy was "Are you a girl? youre really pretty" and I explained everything aand, yeah.

I've honestly only met like two guys off OkC but it's less seedy, so there's that. I'd recommend making the profile as F and then going into more detail on your profile. Gay men will not be interested in you at this point, tbh. Bi men and ->-bleeped-<-s. Avoid straight guys, they're jerks.

Hells yeah. We need more bi guys around, like serious. Hope it works out with that guy <3 stay safe though ok?

Hmmm.... let's see I risk revealing a little too much about my life but hey... when I was pre-op this was back in the days of AOL and text ads. I had similar experiences as Abby where being conventionally attractive but pre-op results in hundreds of replies (I was in Boston). I had mixed experiences but a number of them were good. I'm writing about a few for my book actually, like Rich this super-cute construction guy who basically wanted a completely traditional life (marriage, family, etc.) except he wanted a pre-op wife. And also there's this doctor I dated who I still Google from time to time (he's at Johns Hopkins now). And of course there's one of my best friends who I still talk to at least once a month... he's a postdoc at Berkeley now. The first two describe themselves as being straight but more attracted to pre-ops than cis women, and my good friend is straight and hasn't dated a trans person apart from me. So some of them are nice.

My bf and I are non-exclusive so I date other people, but I don't think that applies as much here since I'm post-op now, but since I'm publicly disclosed it applies a bit more. Though I don't really do one-night stands anymore, just FWB's and non-exclusive dating. Aside form my bf, I have three guys (a couple and a single) that I'm sleeping with and two potentials (people I've gone on dates with but haven't slept with), and a couple of long-distance people I sleep with when they're in town or I visit. All of them except for one (because he's in Guatemala right now with no Internet) have said the trans stuff doesn't bother them.

I realize this sounds braggy but somehow I just really want to point out that yeah, maybe looks has something to do with it, but I think also a lot of it is confidence and a sense of well-being about yourself. Yes I'm trans and cis-looking and that's a factor, but I'm also well-educated, relatively accomplished, and drama-free, and I think for a lot of people psychological issues are more intimidating than transness itself. When someone seems like they just want *someone*, *anyone*, it feels to me like they're not really interested in me specifically but just want any person to emotionally complete them, and that's not attractive. I observe (though haven't seen first-hand since these days I don't have a lot of trans RL friends) that a lot of trans women communicate this feeling, and I would imagine it turning people off because it turns me off when I see it in men.

So if I have any big piece of advice about dating, I'd say we should work on ourselves as much as we work on finding other people. The more internally confident we are, the more likely we are to attract the right kinds of people.

So I am a bad person to be responding to this, so idk why I am.   I think bc your story Mandonlym is encouraging, like really encouraging.

I have tried to get into the dating thing a couple times.  The first time was when I was first transitioning and I got on one of those TS oriented sites, and I got quite a few responses there I guess, not overwhelming, but most were creepy as hell.  But there was this one guy, really handsome, and smart and interesting, but he was from Spain, so our convo was kept very casual, cuz it wasn't like we could date, and he never made me feel like he was a weirdo at all.   Well I eventually stopped hearing from him and that was that, and then like a year later I was searching through old emails for some info I had misplaced, and I find an email from this same guy, send like a year previous, that he was coming to New York for business and wanted to know if I'd be interested in meeting with him while he was in the states, he said he'd come to the state I live in if I was interested.   So ...dammit.   I feel like that is one that got away.  I don't like even thinking about it.  He was so...  Sigh!

Then the second time I tried getting into dating was last summer on ok cupid and there I did not disclose my trans status and holy moly I was overwhelmed with msgs and I couldn't even keep anything straight and I just stopped responding to anybody that didn't have certain features on their profile that I was looking for, mainly a brain and an open mind.  So I weeded it down to a few guys, like 4 or so, and once it was like, well are we going out or what, I would tell them I was trans.  I wasn't going to wait till after I started dating them cause I wanted to just get that confrontation out of the way, not face to face, and before I got all emotionally invested in them.  Allll of them were like, uh, well, okay, I'm not really into that, but I wish you luck.  It was pretty devastating to my self-esteem, so I just haven't tried since.

Oh there was this one guy on okcupid, again good-looking and smart, who was like ohh you're trans, that's more than ok!   And then proceeded to be kinda creepy and moody and I just got too many bad vibes and had to ditch him.

So there you have it.  My experiences.   Not much good.

Quote from: Abbyxo on May 04, 2014, 06:00:12 PM
I dunno. I think umm...the last time I went out with a guy it was off a craigslist ad labeled, I think..."sexiest ladyboy around" lol? So I'm not a good person to give advice on this subject, needless to say, haha. Though I actually got 300 local responses in about a week on that, before it was deleted. Most were crap but some, not so bad! I love craigslist, tbh....look for my picture on the news.

Lol.. you crazy!  Be careful out there!

I don't bother with even trying to date or anything like it and haven't for a very long time. I don't like being trans and having to deal with that in any sort of relationship or casual thing would constantly remind me of it and I really can't handle that well. I'd rather just be known as that "frigid bitch" than deal with it.

For dating sites my experience is disclose in the profile if you're pre-op (for safety and also some men like that, and not all of them are idiots), don't disclose until you meet them if you're post-op. That's the best way. People have pre-conceived notions about what a trans woman is and you're lumped in with Jared Leto and The Crying Game, etc., etc. if you disclose in your profile, unless you have a relatively extensive online footprint like me, in which case they're aware I'm trans but also that there are a ton of other things I am. Just my .02.

@mandonlym

Wow, sounds like you're pretty umh active lol. I guess it's easier to find your stride being post op too. I think I actually have less hassle in dating just being a cute femme boy at this point cuz i'm not there but don't think I'm ever gonna get SRS. I mean I don't know how many gay guys really go for that but I could probably be someone's little twink boy slave somewhere, lmao.

@Jen

Awwwe. :c sorryyyy that you had such a bad experience. Yeah I think it is hard being trans cuz of that difference in how you look and what choo got. I guess you really to have to disclose on your profile but like, obviously not everyone is happy with having to do that, totally makes sense. I always wondered what random guys on the street would think. There was this freaking adorable, cute, hot, tall black guy with a nicely managed beard when I went to get paint for my room and he was totally trying to show off to me the whole time and i so wanted to have him help me in the garden center or something, but I was with my MIL, so I figured I shouldn't. Honestly I'm kinda at the point where i just wanna have fun though, and as long as MY pants stay on maybe it'll be okay... lol.

Ugh he was so hot though ;o; This is why being trans bodied is a crimeeeeee. Against humanity. If I was a normal chick, we would have totally gone and looked at the lilies of the valley.

Gah, you're too pretty and sweet to be single Jen. *hugs* I know it's really hard though. It will happen for you!

Awe.. .  I can see that that happening in my head, the way you described it was so vivid, and you're so right.   There is no room for spontaneity when the under the clothes doesn't match the outward presentation.  And it doesn't seem fair when you lose out on chances like that, eps when there is a connection happening.

For me, I did think about disclosing on my profile, but I am somewhat stealth-ish, and when the service is serving me up to local people, I don't want it to say TRANS and then have my face next to it.  Also, Idk the longer you delay telling, the fewer ->-bleeped-<- types you get, but I would be open to trying to find a good ->-bleeped-<- (like unicorns, they exist if you believe in them strongly enough I am sure) or pan type person, but I just don't want to out myself.

It isn't that I hate the idea of being out, sometimes I wish I could be, if for nothing else, so that I could say publicly things I wanna say, but it's just a genie you can't put back in the bottle and I'm afraid I would regret it and have no recourse, esp since I have experienced being treated differently once it came out to somebody that didn't know.  In fact, that has never not happened. And it just feels like losing control.

In my experience there's a period of adjustment after disclosure and then after a period of time they forget. You just ride out that period.

I think it's too difficult to be stealth and pre-op; that's just my opinion.

Maybe so with dating at least.  I have found it not terrible to be stealthish, but ofc I'm not full on hardcore abt being stealth by any means, but for now I feel the fewer that know the better.  But maybe you are right that peeps come araound after some time.  But for now, eff dating.  Idc enough about it.  I want to have security and to be not lonely, but it just isn't worth being devastated over.  It's not like I have that strong of a sex drive or anything.