Hello,

I found this site a few days ago, so I guess it time for me to introduce myself.  I first must say that making this post is a very hard thing for me to do.   I am a 53 year old male.  I think I would have to call myself bi-gendered.  Most of the time I feel male.  Then there are times, that I can not control, that I feel
that I am female.  I have deep feelings of guilt about this.  This has been a condition for me since I was a
child.  I have hidden this from everyone, though not always successfully.  I respect and admire those who are able and willing to be themselves.  I am afraid though that I do not have the courage to be that way.  I would rather be what society calls normal.  I have struggled all my life to be "normal".

I have a fear that posting here is sign that I am giving up trying to be "normal".  I am also afraid that giving up will make my life worse.  I hope I have not offended anyone with this post.  Any judgements I make are about myself and not others. 

I have met a few people in chat here.  Everyone I have met has been very nice and I would like to thank them for their kindness.   

Hello Stencil and Welcome to Susans!

Hey stencil,

Glad to see you found your way to the forums, and a big welcome to the Susan's Jam from my side

No doubt it takes a lot of people quite some time to gather the courage to post an introduction. It's a big step, but only leads to conclusions when you want it to. After all, being 'normal' does seem to bring along a lot less tumult, but then again; so does being who you truly are and not living a life based on lies.

It's definitely not going to be easy, but don't worry: no one here is going to push you into one direction or the other. This is only a place where you can learn, explore, and discover new perspectives on subjects that may seem completely ordinary[...] See it as an introverted, down-to-earth librarian going skydiving Just ssssllllliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiddddeeee.......

Hi Stencil,

Try not to see this as giving up, more as allowing yourself to discover more about this side of yourself so that you can find some peace and self acceptance, as is your right. This is a safe place to start doing this and you should have no fear that anyone else will know. Finding things out will not create a sign on you saying to everyone that you are different, the only thing people will see is what you show them.

Finding out more about yourself is worth it. My view is that you can only deny a part of you for so long before it wants to get out and be explored or expressed. This internal pressure has obviously built up in you and I think you need to find some way of releasing it or it can become overwhelming. I suspect that you already feel like you are living in your own personal hell of sorts. Self knowledge can go a real long way in removing this pressure. It could very well enable you to live a 'normal' life without changing anything about what people outwardly see about you, but free you of the guilt and confusion. This is something worth working towards, a life without fear or guilt. It is there to be had and I hope we can help.

I would love to hear more from you and how things are going on in your life.

See you around.
Nick

Hello Stencil and welcome to Susan's!

Thanks for your introduction. Please take a few moments to get familiar with all the boards of the site, review the site rules, and take advantage of our many resources such as the wiki, chat, and the links listed at the main page.  We look forward to your future posts and participation.  Enjoy your stay

tink

Hi Stencil,

   You can never be wrong in your journey to know yourself even if it can get scary.   There's nothing wrong with you.  My point of view concerning your introduction is that you can explore the feminine side of yourself without running out of your house and screaming it to the world, unless - that is what you want to do.  Who knows? in a month or a decade you may know yourself well enough to feel comfortable sharing your truth with others.  Until then, however, it is really important that you do not try to smother your curiosity over your feelings.  Holding things in can be very painful and lead to true misery.  Now that you're here, you can move at your pace getting a feel for what is best for you.

I wish you well,

Rebis

Stencil,

A big welcome to you!

There will be a lot of judgments you will need to make.  However, judging yourself abnormal, or thinking you have offended us, need not be one of your worries.  You are among friends.  Glad you found us.  Sit back and enjoy the flight!

Kristi

Hi Stencil!
glad to see you
enjoy your time here

Kate Alice

Hi stencil!  Welcome!!

I'm pleased that you've decided to post here in the forums and tell us a little more about yourself.  We have many people here who have gone through things similar to what you describe and made it through OK.

I hope we'll be seeing more from you real soon!

hugs & smiles
Emelye

Hi Stencil,
First, welcome to the forums, we've seen you in chat but it's good to see you in the forums. I'd echo some of the statements I saw in replies to you, you aren't giving up, you are finally reaching out and trying to find a comfort level within yourself. Who knows where that will lead, but you made the first step and that's huge! You should feel good about yourself Stencil. Take a look around, lots of info in the forums and I'll talk to you in chat Meghan

I would like to thank everyone for the warm welcome and words of encouragement.

Hi Stencil,

I of course pass on the same best wishes that you find what you're looking for and achieve some level of happiness. Though I would like to add a couple things:

I am one of those people that identifies as bigendered (wonder if the avatar is a big giveaway) and take it from me, normal is overrated. Being comfortable with both my male persona (Marq) and female persona (Mia) I couldn't imagine life without them both always there. I've got the tools to deal with anything that life can throw at me and better yet even when I'm by myself I'm not ever alone. I hope that you get an opportunity to read more and find it doesn't have to be a bad thing.

If you have any questions for me (either of us) or anyone else here at Susans, don't give a moments thought about asking. I look foward to talking with you soon and let me know if there is anything I can help with.

Marq and Mia

Welcome to Susan's Stencil   You've come to the right place.  Most of us have had and still have the same feelings that you have...very normal for transgendered people.  I'm sure you will meet a lot of people here that will be willing share some of their experiences with you.  You are not alone hon

Hugs & kisses,

Monika

Cáid míle failte, Welcome, Bienvenue

Quote from: stencil on August 27, 2007, 02:46:37 PM
Most of the time I feel male.  Then there are times, that I can not control, that I feel
that I am female. 

Guess what?... you are not the only one!

Quote
I have deep feelings of guilt about this. 

So did I for a very long time. 

Quote
This has been a condition for me since I was a child. 

Same here 

Quote
I have hidden this from everyone, though not always successfully.

Ah sweet memories! 

Quote
I respect and admire those who are able and willing to be themselves.

Thanks a 

Quote
I am afraid though that I do not have the courage to be that way.  I would rather be what society calls normal.  I have struggled all my life to be "normal".

To paraphrase Gerry Adams it won't go away you know. 

Quote
I have a fear that posting here is sign that I am giving up trying to be "normal".  I am also afraid that giving up will make my life worse.

oh my god!  Who knows you might even start to accept yourself.

Quote
I hope I have not offended anyone with this post.  Any judgements I make are about myself and not others.

Why do you have to be so hard on yourself?   

Quote
I have met a few people in chat here.  Everyone I have met has been very nice and I would like to thank them for their kindness.

What? don't you know that they are all "abnormal"? 

Stencil, thank you for your courage and your honesty. Good luck on your journey of self discovery, self acceptance and self realisation. Go n-éiri do bhóthar leat   

Hope, Light, Laughter, Love & Respect

Maebh