*Trigger warning, read at your own risk*

I am so SICK and TIRED of this BS! Today was a good day, till I made the mistake of calling my brother (Who was at work) and his wife picked up. All was going well, then I made sure he told her everything about me that I'd told him. Not quite, cross dresser is what I gathered so I explained I'm Transgender MtF, but still a woman and started to explain how my Dad had been making my life harder by asking me to dress in male clothing and she basically said, well, she agrees with him. If he's giving me a ride somewhere, especially for free then I can either comply with what he's asking or find a ride else where. She then further proceeded to state she'd do the same thing and that so would my brother. She kept throwing up how I'm a man and don't look like a woman (NOT TRUE! If I do things right) and basically she said there's been no surgery yet. So I asked her while frustrated and annoyed and if I had the surgery what then? She couldn't quite answer that and then the phone rang and she told me to hang on. I lost it and hung up the phone.

What happened next is I felt very hurt, annoyed, frustrated at my circumstances and began to cry some, followed by a big surge of anger, even blaming God and telling him he is too cruel. All this while having VERY dark thoughts and to the point I was thinking way darker thoughts and just wanted to end it all, it doesn't help I'm stuck with no light in site and any light is extinguished by road blocks due to how this world is and such. (Such as economy, minimum wedge not paying enough etc. etc. etc.) I stopped crying and am now just mad and angry, along with somewhat suicidal. If I HAD the freaking money to get all these surgeries done I'd do it NOW! If someone helped me to know where/who to get them done by of course. (As I have no knowledge of any of this) To add insult to injury here, before all this began, she was venting (Nicely) about how she and them couldn't book anything to go camping because they forgot to do it sooner. Uh, I'VE got bigger problems and wish I had hers I told her (Nicely and in a nicer way of course) What I didn't tell her is how it's not fair I'm working my BUTT OFF and can't get anywhere let alone save up for any of these dang surgeries because of the economy and minimum wedge doesn't pay enough etc. etc. etc. (And I live off of the bare minimum too, including bill wise!) Not to mention "I" can't even go on no freaking vacation and even if I did, with no way to get there and so on, the only "vacation" I'd get is at my dang house!

Anyway, I'm just sick of it all. First this with my Dad, then my brother's wife (him too if she was right) and of course my neighbors too. I HATE this world right now and all of it, everyone and everything can just burn to death is how I feel right now. Heck, right about now, my avatar gif is a perfect example of me watching this rotten world burn. Honestly, I have no life, no real life friends and am not social, can't make it by without dang help, including from people who put dang conditions on their help and it doesn't look like I'll ever be able to transition, let alone start hormones. What's the point in even living, especially when no education=minimum wedge jobs. (Even if I started studying, this equals need money and help to move forward with it..) I basically have NO LIFE and I honestly don't know why I was ever born, especially in this AWFUL body which this world damn world keep freaking reminding me of! I'm just going through the multiple ways there is to kill myself, trying to figure out the least painful route that's quick, easy and as painless as possible, and I am a bit scared should I ever think of one and am able to do it, one day, maybe today, I might just go through with it..

I wish I had real life friends, both transgender friends who know what I'm going through and non-transgender friends, all of which will except me 100% for who and what I am. I wish I could hang out with them, do things with them and, BE MYSELF and be social. I wish I could begin transitioning but what little transitioning I've done is being ripped away bit by little bit and I hate it. What's the point in going on? This world is just screwed up with little hope in sight..

I had to face the same problemb. I'm not so fortunate to have a job. So it wasn't as hard for me.

My sister (with four kids),  when I first came out, enjoyed make up and clothes shopping as long as it was under the guise it was for her. And even some freinds would ask me on outings, but and I qoute (not like that your not) this was realy realy upsetting for me. And telling them how I felt was comming from me seemed just like searching for excuses. But during my first appoint with a psych I told them about this situation. And I comes down to this, if wearing male clothes makes me feel that bad, she sujested throwing all of them away, because as long as you have them people will exspect you to wear them wheb they want you to. And make you feel guilty for not choosing too.

Throwing them away in my situation was ok, to syart with but my dysphoria is worse now, because I've gone from being unable to go outside in girls clothes to being unable to ho outside at all in this situation. Its very difficult but, now when sombody asked for me to go somewear, there is no exspectation to dress male that comes with it.

But she did point out that, there is a difference between looking like a man tha looks like a woman, and looking like a man that looks like a man. As time went on and my sister saw how much happyer I was she began to understand just how bad I felt before. I to this day have never been out with my sister, but I have been to visit her. Her boyfreind has been clubbing with me twice since then.

I think some of this rejection is due to your brother knowing that should sombody insult you its an insult to him, and he would say somthing and probably knows how bad you would feel if he started getting into fights because of you. I don't know if that's the case.

But my sister does still love me. And so does my father, at first he didn't want to be seen with me in public, but I've since then been shopping with him. After he saw just how bad my shadow made me feel, and that that was just a shadow in full girl mode, so he now understands that all the extra clothing he was coaxing me to wear was only adding to that.

Some people think its just about clothes and that if you put the clothes on everything is ok, and that your going to be ok for JUST ONE DAY or a bit of a day in male clothes. But its more then that and some people just don't understand. But I've been exacly their. If there not comfatable going out with you, focus on a situation were they can stay in with you at first. Because they do need to get used to seeing you. And if you the person you are right now who is going through it, isn't ready to face the world yet, somebody who isn't isn't going to be able too either.

Its hard I know, and I'm sorry I can't be any more help, if I was any at all. 

Shana,
If you really would like to get a higher education, there is always the financial aid route. There are grants and loans available for young students like you who need a little help getting started. Call the financial aid office of the school you're interested in. College is no cakewalk, but if you're motivated and focused, it can lead to a better-paying job, possibly even with medical benefits to help during your transition.

A lot of school loans give a bit extra for living expenses. Since it sounds like you're in such a negative environment, you might want to consider moving out.

It will get better, Shana.

Hugs,
Tegan

Quote from: ButterflyVickster on May 12, 2014, 06:45:30 PMif wearing male clothes makes me feel that bad, she sujested throwing all of them away, because as long as you have them people will exspect you to wear them wheb they want you to. And make you feel guilty for not choosing too.

Throwing them away in my situation was ok, to syart with but my dysphoria is worse now, because I've gone from being unable to go outside in girls clothes to being unable to ho outside at all in this situation. Its very difficult but, now when sombody asked for me to go somewear, there is no exspectation to dress male that comes with it.

I think some of this rejection is due to your brother knowing that should somebody insult you its an insult to him, and he would say something and probably knows how bad you would feel if he started getting into fights because of you. I don't know if that's the case.

And I honestly only have my male clothing still because I want to sell them and make a bit of money just like a lot of the other junk I have but, can't as I don't have many options to do so given all the circumstances. but, even if I did, it'd only result in, Ok, either you go by some or here, wear these. If not that then it'd result in No help, OR, if help then, no dresses, no skirts and only clothing that looks as gender neutral as possible. (Because now a days, women wear Pants and their shirts can even be less girly. ) Plus, forget the purse, it isn't happening. Such as been the situation with my "Dad."  And to a lesser extent others too.

And just how come you can't go out doors? Did you not throw all your male clothing away because you wanted to go full time?

It isn't. As I said, it was his wife that said all this. I'm not sure if he WOULD be seen in public with me as myself or not but I know she wouldn't. It's ironic really since I've noticed a few guys looking/staring at me (Not sure why but could be any number of reasons) and I know to people who don't know me, I can pass as a woman, so it's ironic that to everyone else I can pass as female but to family, nope, male only. Oh and also, my brother and his wife, we don't live close by so I only get to see him once a year and only if they come visit me. (As I have no car or means to get there) No, from what I gathered for her at least, she doesn't want people judging her nor does she want to be seen with someone who looks like a cross dresser. That's really wrong. Another reason why might have a LITTLE soemthign to do with the bible and her belief, not sure but it certainly has been the case with my "Dad."

Quote from: Sincerely Tegan on May 12, 2014, 07:17:25 PM
Shana,
If you really would like to get a higher education, there is always the financial aid route. There are grants and loans available for young students like you who need a little help getting started. Call the financial aid office of the school you're interested in. College is no cakewalk, but if you're motivated and focused, it can lead to a better-paying job, possibly even with medical benefits to help during your transition.

A lot of school loans give a bit extra for living expenses. Since it sounds like you're in such a negative environment, you might want to consider moving out.

It will get better, Shana.

Hugs,
Tegan

I'm 25, only made it to 5th grade but was in special ED in 5th grade doing 3rd & 4th grade work. I've forgotten most that was taught to me and would need to relearn it, including how to do certain math equations. I have no car (Let alone a license), can't afford the bus let alone a taxi, and if I get a 2nd job, the help I get from the government, will be gone and then I'll be in trouble as again, even if I could make it by, it'd be just barely, I wouldn't have enough for the bus. Plus I have Autism so this makes explaining things to me vs. showing them and explaining them to me, harder when the latter I get, the former I don't usually get. So while I never thought about that sort of thing, given all this, especially the bus bit and my age, I don't think they'll help me, especially if I tell them I'm a woman but the rest says male. -_- Plus, except teacher role (Maybe, don't like kids much but lately have found the thought intriguing) and waitress role, I honestly don't know what I want to do with my life. So kind of makes choosing a field to study in hard, even if they do help me. Still you did say "Young students" and as you've probably guessed, I'm not as young (age wise) as you thought I was. So guessing it's only for students still in school, sadly I did home school, in 5th grade thanks to the bullying and worst school I'd ever gone too, which single mom raising two kids=, no time for her to help me which=me not doing home school.

So you see, while it may get better, I honestly don't see how...

Quote from: Shana-chan on May 12, 2014, 08:26:20 PM
And I honestly only have my male clothing still because I want to sell them and make a bit of money just like a lot of the other junk I have but, can't as I don't have many options to do so given all the circumstances. but, even if I did, it'd only result in, Ok, either you go by some or here, wear these. If not that then it'd result in No help, OR, if help then, no dresses, no skirts and only clothing that looks as gender neutral as possible. (Because now a days, women wear Pants and their shirts can even be less girly. ) Plus, forget the purse, it isn't happening. Such as been the situation with my "Dad."  And to a lesser extent others too.

And just how come you can't go out doors? Did you not throw all your male clothing away because you wanted to go full time?

It isn't. As I said, it was his wife that said all this. I'm not sure if he WOULD be seen in public with me as myself or not but I know she wouldn't. It's ironic really since I've noticed a few guys looking/staring at me (Not sure why but could be any number of reasons) and I know to people who don't know me, I can pass as a woman, so it's ironic that to everyone else I can pass as female but to family, nope, male only. Oh and also, my brother and his wife, we don't live close by so I only get to see him once a year and only if they come visit me. (As I have no car or means to get there) No, from what I gathered for her at least, she doesn't want people judging her nor does she want to be seen with someone who looks like a cross dresser. That's really wrong. Another reason why might have a LITTLE soemthign to do with the bible and her belief, not sure but it certainly has been the case with my "Dad."
I'm 25, only made it to 5th grade but was in special ED in 5th grade doing 3rd & 4th grade work. I've forgotten most that was taught to me and would need to relearn it, including how to do certain math equations. I have no car (Let alone a license), can't afford the bus let alone a taxi, and if I get a 2nd job, the help I get from the government, will be gone and then I'll be in trouble as again, even if I could make it by, it'd be just barely, I wouldn't have enough for the bus. Plus I have Autism so this makes explaining things to me vs. showing them and explaining them to me, harder when the latter I get, the former I don't usually get. So while I never thought about that sort of thing, given all this, especially the bus bit and my age, I don't think they'll help me, especially if I tell them I'm a woman but the rest says male. -_- Plus, except teacher role (Maybe, don't like kids much but lately have found the thought intriguing) and waitress role, I honestly don't know what I want to do with my life. So kind of makes choosing a field to study in hard, even if they do help me. Still you did say "Young students" and as you've probably guessed, I'm not as young (age wise) as you thought I was. So guessing it's only for students still in school, sadly I did home school, in 5th grade thanks to the bullying and worst school I'd ever gone too, which single mom raising two kids=, no time for her to help me which=me not doing home school.

So you see, while it may get better, I honestly don't see how...

shana-oneechan, i've been in your shoes and still am so i know the struggle. honestly, i wish i could say something to help you but as it stands i dont know what imma do rather than how i am going to do it 

Quote from: Umiko Liliana on May 12, 2014, 08:34:31 PM
shana-oneechan, i've been in your shoes and still am so i know the struggle. honestly, i wish i could say something to help you but as it stands i dont know what imma do rather than how i am going to do it 

Oneechan, never been called that before but I like it. Arigato.
You're in the same situation as me huh? Well care to talk about it? Maybe there's something I can do to help, even if only hearing you out. (You can PM me if you'd prefer) Either way, we're both in a situation that sadly isn't easy getting out of, I hope we both can. I know if I could get a room mate, that'd make it easier to save money thus something like a bus would be possible, maybe. Depends on the government help I get and if I still have it or not and such. Atm, that's the only hope I can think of however, I got no way of advertising this and even if I did get a room mate, they could cheat me on splitting the bills, or move out and I have to pay higher bills then the ones I got to now..

Life, the greatest gambling machine of all~

Quote from: Shana-chan on May 12, 2014, 08:47:25 PM
Oneechan, never been called that before but I like it. Arigato.
You're in the same situation as me huh? Well care to talk about it? Maybe there's something I can do to help, even if only hearing you out. (You can PM me if you'd prefer) Either way, we're both in a situation that sadly isn't easy getting out of, I hope we both can. I know if I could get a room mate, that'd make it easier to save money thus something like a bus would be possible, maybe. Depends on the government help I get and if I still have it or not and such. Atm, that's the only hope I can think of however, I got no way of advertising this and even if I did get a room mate, they could cheat me on splitting the bills, or move out and I have to pay higher bills then the ones I got to now..

Life, the greatest gambling machine of all~

in a sense i went through special ed becuz i destroyed my public school(not literally but i did a good bit of damage), managed to get past high school but i doubt my education is that of a 9th graders education in a regular or private school. was completely denied ssi 3x and like literally had to get a lawyer in the mix. the only other thing is that i was adopted so i had to be forced into different homes and environments which i can tell you, itsnt pretty. my mother thinks this is a phase, my sister thinks its becuz i'm mental ill, my father's side of the family would think of me as a demon and completely disown me. so in a sense, i can completely see how your feeling. the only money i get really is from my financial aid grant i get from school so thats why i say, idk if i can say much to help you out becuz i'm barely trying to keep above water. 

Your dad and your brothers wife and who ever share similar views suck bloody bums! And that is absolutely unfair on you, sucks what they're doing to you. I'm really sad to hear how they've reacted but please don't listen to them, if you have to just ignore them and find people who WILL support you. Might be hard but at least this site is a start eh?
I just really wish I could do something to help or had something to say to help on that part, cause like I said, it sounds very unfair. Just hold in there.

The rest of it, no car, ->-bleeped-<-ty job and so on..... That is not unfair however what so ever. I believe anyway. And I want to say more ever so much and I have been in a similar situation and would like to share it, because if ya listened it would or I believe it'd help. But I doubt it's gonna be what you want to hear and when I had that sense of mind I refused to listen to people who feel like I do NOW. When you have the sense of mind it sounds like you do at the moment because of how many bad things have hit you recently people or at least I know I did! Become very stubborn and refuse to change their way of thinking. Not their fault, wasn't my fault when I was like that, just how the brain works sadly and it takes a lot of effort to change it.

If you do wanna hear what I have to say then great I can PM you or post it here. But I just really wanted to warn ya it's advice not support. And I don't wanna annoy you if ya didn't want some stranger giving you the advice anyway.

Lotes of cuddles - The awesome blue rabbit who is very awesome.

Gosh Shana,
I'm sorry I can't be more help. But 25 is quite young, I hope you're aware (your life hasn't passed you by yet), and so everything I said about young students was still in reference to you. It sounds like you have additional challenges, though. The only suggestion I have left is to try to still talk to the admissions or financial aid office of one of those schools. Tell them your story and see if they have any suggestions.

People have overcome your circumstances before, Shana. It can be done, and you're going to do it. Find ways to improve your life a little every day, no matter how small. You'll get there.

Stay strong,
Teg

My apologies, I've had a rough last 5 days with my mood and haven't had the motivation to be able to post except in certain areas till now.

@ Umiko: From what it sounds like it sounds like you still got your GED? If so be proud, you're ahead of me on that as my lv. is between 3-4th grade depending on the sub, also did you know that many people in life who are successful didn't have but 5th grade lv or lower? So 9th grade lv. imo is very good. Be proud of yourself! That had to be rough, I can somewhat relate, parents divorced many times, we moved around a lot and that was rough, especially without a Dad growing up. I know it's not quite the same but it has similar situations and feeling. As for family, I do know what you mean and I guarantee you my Dad if he's known this about me many years ago would have instantly said I've got a demon in my and he'd try and pure it from me.. not good but now thankfully he's more educated in stuff about this world and is a little less of a nut case with religion, though in other areas he got worse. lol As for your mom, she's probably just in denial, your sis probably isn't educated in the matter and if you haven't already I'd encourage you to try and educate them on trans matters and yourself as well. Well, we both just got to do our best to hang in there and never give up and try to look at the brighter side of things, it could ALWAYS be worse. lol I certainly know what you mean about trying to keep above water though. Still I'd like to think somehow, in this dark tunnel things will get brighter and work out, even though we can't see them.

@Blue Rabbit: It sucks more now that I know that if I was seeing a psych, on hormones and such, that if I allowed them to do that to me and somewhat revert to guy mode or worse revert to guy mode then there goes more time because, I have to stay in girl mode for 1 full year from what I heard without reverting back so yea, bloody sucks indeed. The only GOOD NEWS to this is, I am not in such a situation where I am seeing someone, on hormones and heck, I certainly can't afford any surgeries. Wait, that's also bad news too..

I only have like 2 different group of people I can try and rely on, I've asked both and the first says they'll help me, for free (They didn't mention any fees) but if I ever started transitioning then I wouldn't want to be around them because they'd try and talk me out of it. I have no idea if they'd allow me to wear feminine clothing, bring my purse with me etc. and if they did then they probably would say something to me each time. I don't wan to deal with that ->-bleeped-<-! The other group is someone in my family who has a family and she said she'd have to talk to her husband.. No offense to any married couple but how come just to help someone out for what I'm asking they always have to talk to their spouse? It drives me freaking crazy! I plan on calling her within the next week if I haven't heard back from her by then to find out more, I'd originally told her I'd pay her $5 for her trouble and gas but now I'm not sure if I can even afford to pay that each month.. so, yea, I can't rely on anyone aside from these two groups of people and both options may very well bloody suck. -_- If I don't rely on one of them then I won't be able to get groceries.. so you see, if I put my foot down with them and say, my way or bye, then, I can't survive..

I don't think it's unfair but the pay certainly isn't enough otherwise I enjoy doing my job, though I would like something a lot better but I'm grateful to have this job.

Advice can be support but it can also be annoying and I've gotten MORE than enough advice from "family" so now certain types of advice ARE going to annoy me and I've heard them multiple times. That said, feel free to post it hear if you wish, but not by PM please. lol

@Tegan: Just talking about it can help some so thanks. Oh I certainly don't feel that old but I do know my biological clock is ticking and each day I can't be myself and have fully transitioned really gets to me. While I can't ever have children of my own (Which hurts a lot and is depressing) I still am annoyed at how my life is right now since I only want the simple things in life, the things that most people have but sadly take for granted and each day I don't have ALL of it, is another day that I COULD have had it. Case in point, 5 years from now I'll be 30 yo, still young but if I haven't been on hormones by that age, haven't had SRS etc., well, I just don't even want to think of it. Life, just isn't fair a lot of the time and I can only try and hang in there..

Quote from: Sincerely Tegan on May 13, 2014, 11:55:52 AM
People have overcome your circumstances before, Shana. It can be done, and you're going to do it. Find ways to improve your life a little every day, no matter how small. You'll get there.

I don't know why but (And I could be wrong here) I get the feeling this will help me someday, not today but sometime later in my life so either way, thanks. Atm I have no clue how to improve my life given my financial situation but I'm hoping it gets better and soon.