so imma bring my first post back and ask the question again after everything you know about me from all my post. now tell me and this well help me decide what i should do next. for those who are new, i'll tell my story again so you can get in on the discussion as well:

i'm umiko (that's the name i chose for my new life and i rather be called that than my given name), i'm a 21 year old biological male but honest, since i can remember, i've always been a female. due to my past, going from home to home, i was assaulted countless times in almost every one of my homes. i was forced to grow up faster than most people would imagine. when i became self aware of myself, i hated everything i saw but i was so young so i didnt understand what was happening. so i continued on trying to find some stability, security, a sense of belonging but i never found it. i drew so far into myself, it nearly destroyed me. ok so long story short, when i turned 12, i decided for the first time to tell my adopted mom i felt like a girl trapped in a males body. after that i did a short transition, it was the first time i ever felt alive, i felt like my life wasnt so empty, so stark and barren, than when dress up time was over, i went back to my same cold dullness personality and well, i dont know if i'm allowed to say it seeing as it might violate a rule so lets just say it ended me in a place full of doctors. when i turn 16, i again told my mom i was a girl and this time i was firm on my words, but knowing what i new than, i didnt have access to a therapist or knew what therapist i needed so i failed on transitioning but i went stealth though it was off and on. as it stands right now, i've decided to once again come out and started seeing a therapist a month ago. i've always found that i was rejected by other males, i never had qualities that would qualify me as a male nor can i relate to males or tell you what they think or how they act. when i look in the mirror, i can see a female but with that extra piece of flesh dangling, it really sends me through the roof. i've tried to cut it off before but failed terribly. all my relationships, i've always played the female role when i was to play the male role. the only happy times i get is on the phone when i get ma'am but than of course my mom corrects them and say he's a he which makes me feel so small. in all my dreams, i've always dreamt i was a female and i even sometimes push out my stomach pretending i was pregnant which really makes me giggle. anyways, now that you know, tell me, could i in fact be transgendered or am i just dreaming?

oh both MTF and FTM can answer my question. there is no restrictions so let your opinions fly

Umiko, only you can decide that for yourself. However it certainly sounds like you are not happy in your birth assigned gender, therefore I doubt you are cis gendered. You really should find a good therapist to chat these things over with.

Quote from: Ms Grace on May 12, 2014, 10:31:34 PM
Umiko, only you can decide that for yourself. However it certainly sounds like you are not happy in your birth assigned gender, therefore I doubt you are cis gendered. You really should find a good therapist to chat these things over with.

lol, oneechan, i already have a therapist. just need different views before i go to my therapist about making my transition plans lol. opening my mind and heart and i'm completely open to constructive criticism only. it helps me understand more becuz i'm tired of this empty life and its time for me to finally step out of the shadows and live in the moment instead of my past

You are asking a question only you can answer..

Does it sound like you have issues with your assigned gender? Yeah, it does.. But what to do about it is entirely up to you.

Quote from: Umiko Liliana on May 12, 2014, 10:19:45 PM
push out my stomach pretending i was pregnant which really makes me giggle.

I do that too.

Only you can find that answer. But it does sound like you are.

i find it very difficult and even breathing has become a chore. i know only i can answer that question but with my confusion and my mental exhausting, i'm asking for advice really, other than that my decision is i know i'm trans but i find the constructive criticism helpful becuz it takes some of the weight off and allows me to fully accept my reality. but yes, this has been an ongoing chore and its becoming an interference in my life. i even thought about running away from reality again

I hate to tell you, but running away from reality gets you nowhere.

The reality is that you were born into a body that doesn't correspond to your gender perception. The reality is that we live in a cis gendered society that insists on making round pegs fit into square holes, which has little time or tolerance for gender diversity let alone people who want to live as the gender they identify as, not the one they were assigned as at birth. There is no running away from that reality, but you can still chose to be the person, not just the gender, you want to be.

I mentioned elsewhere about not letting your emotions take control of you, about gaining the skills needed to cope with your feelings, to not be overwhelmed by them...much of that comes with life experience, with dealing with reality and growing and learning. That is usually difficult enough for cis gendered people but can have a whole extra layer of complexity and difficulty for trans gendered people. It can be done though, and having that ability to cope can help you have a life that doesn't feel empty and meaningless. But first of all, you need to believe that you can have that life, that you deserve that life. That is not running away from reality, that is meeting it head on and taking up the challenge.

Within the realms of reality, what does a life that isn't empty and meaningless look like to you? Go for it. It is yours.

You can never slay the demons that you run away from.  You must face them head on before they begin to diminish, otherwise you can never escape their grip.

Improving a reality that you are running from is an exercise in futility.  Please don't wait until you are a middle aged wreck like I did.

i know running from reality will only kill me in the end but my reality is not being about to look forward to a future becuz of all these distractions obstacles and responsibilities. everything around me is fighting against me wanting to be happy and i'm trying not to break but i'm already mental worn out that once again even the simplest thing such as breathing is a major chore and takes up 2/3 of my energy to execute. i want to be able to put my mind at ease and just be able to transition with peace of mind but i'm being fought tooth and nail. i'm starting to feel physically sick and my heart feels like its weakening every day