Hey Everybody,
Thought I should share this story with everyone as just telling it surprises even me! Just two months ago, if you came up to me and told me that my life was going to be the most positive it has ever been in my entire life in just two months, I would have probably just scoffed at you angrily. Only but two months ago, I was at my lowest point in terms of my mental stability. I was about ready to commit suicide as I was experiencing the worst amount of dysphoria that I've ever experienced in my entire life. I could no longer stand living like a male and my mind was screaming to let this girl out that was having the life choked out of her by this exterior male shell. I literally felt that there was no hope for me and would constantly think and dream of different ways to end my life with each passing day.
I was just starting to see a gender therapist at the time and was telling him how dysphoric, suicidal, and depressed I felt and that I kept wanting to end my life. He helped me cope with my rising depression and gave me a list of doctors that I could see about starting hormones. At the time, I also joined a weekly support group which helped me hang in there while I waited for the doctors visit that was scheduled four weeks out to evaluate my candidacy for hormone treatment. Those four weeks felt like years as I would continually stress over the most negative what ifs in my mind such as; what if they find a health issue with me that I never knew about till now that would keep me from doing hormones? What if they don't believe i need them? What if i get stone walled and am not allowed to take them after i have extensive counseling for months or years?! What if the hormones have no effect on me? These thoughts would make it very difficult to sleep at night.
Finally, on April 2nd, I went in to see this new doctors of mine that was about to change my life forever. She and the staff were very kind and very trans friendly. Before she did anything, she asked me why I wanted to do this. I told her of all the struggles with my dysphoria that I've had from childhood till now and how depressed and suicidal I have become. She then ensured that I was mentally stable enough to be safe when leaving the office that day and I assured her that I would be fine. She then gave me a physical and drew my blood. After the exam, she informed me that it would take at least two weeks to get the blood results back. In my head, I was like "Great, time to worry for another two weeks!". A mere few days after my visit, the doctor had gotten the blood results back earlier than anticipated and sent me an email telling me that I can start hormones. I was so excited and happy that I almost cried! I was right on the obesity line of 207 pounds standing at 5' 10" and my blood sugar was a little high as well. Due to my blood test results coming back early, I was able to go in to see my doctor an an earlier date than previously anticipated. After visiting my doctor, she highly recommended that I start a diet such as the Mediterranean diet in order to get my weight in check and my blood sugar down. Before this time, It was always hard for me to keep up a diet because I would constantly get depressed which would cause me to give up on my diet every single time as ultimately I found diet and health as a waste because I was supporting a body that I hated. I agreed to start dieting and made a promise to myself that I would not give up on my diet this time and that I would stay as dedicated as possible.
A few weeks before going on hormones, I came out to all of my friend's and family for which I received a lot of loving support. I felt more confident than ever that life was starting to make a turn in the right direction but still worried that hormones might not have an effect on me for whatever reason. After taking my first dose of hormones, I felt so happy and relieved that I finally started. A week after being on hormones, my depression completely went away and I became more energetic, driven, social, and just felt like I was living for the first time. I would commonly make the analogy to people that I felt as though I was frozen in a vault and just recently thawed and brought to life.
At the time, I was happier and much more sociable than I ever have been but I was at this social stage of talking to people but feeling like I wasn't making any friendships yet. I was so upset at myself because I had a lot of loving and supporting male friends but they did not meet these emotional needs that I needed as a woman that I knew making more female friends would resolve. I started going to more social events than I ever have in my life and started meeting some very interesting people. At the time, i was still afraid to dress publicly so I would dress as a male on my social outings, all of these outings were trans get together. I then slowly started to make some connections which fostered even more connections, I thought that I was actually getting somewhere. I wanted to have trans female friends, trans male friends, cis male friends, and cis female friends. Where I felt I was really lacking was in the having any cis female friends which highly bugged me because I felt that I connected with females on such a different level than males and was constantly upset at the fact that there were different factors keeping me from making cis female friends such as when I would present as male and wanted to make close cis female friends, I would be talking to them and then as soon as I asked if they wanted to hang out sometime they would instantly reject any idea to hang out as they thought I was hitting on them. This fact made me very depressed.
When I came out though to my department at work, I was instantly able to make a cis female friend that now wants to meet up with me on Friday. After coming out to my entire work, I made another cis female friend that wants to meet up with me sometime. I came out to my entire work yesterday and live life full time as a woman. Life has been so different ever since. Most everyone has been very supportive (except for one person whom has already been reported to HR). It feels like the lights have finally been turned on in my brain as I'm such an improved person overall after starting all of this. This transition has done nothing but help me develop as a person as life is just so enjoyable now vs before I just wanted nothing to do with life anymore.
Thought I would share my story thus far as I hope it helps those of you whom are currently struggling with starting your transition. It will get better! Just keep up the hope and push forward!
Hugs,
Athena
