I'm sorry. I don't know how long this will be. It's something I don't want to write, but I know someone on here would scold me for not writing it.
I'm currently not doing so well. I should be. I've been spending more time as Chelsea, and I've found people's treatment of me has been overall good. On my last time out with one of my girlfriends, she said I was getting some good looks.
Anyway, let me try to be not so random. It started tonight, at home. My mom and brother were over. I work third shift, and my mom, who works at the same company as me, asked my wife why I'd been leaving so late. I don't, but I have been punching in right on time because I nap in my car before work. My wife got angry that I "lied" to her, but I truthfully leave early in case of accidents, construction, etc.
Well, tonight I left early, took a nap, and woke up to find myself late. I punched in late, and I was so mad at myself. What was worse was I got the "you aren't honest with me" text from my wife. So I was honest about being late. That made things worse (which I think is why I tend not to tell her little things like that).
If you've ever had one, this event has sent me in a downward spiral of realizing how out of control my life currently is.
First, my dysphoria is getting worse. I feel so much happier when I'm spending time with people as Chelsea, but its making me hate my male life more and more every time I have to return to it. I'm at the point tonight where I want to be one of those people who mysteriously drowns but really just started their life over as someone else.
I feel so out of control of my life anymore. I finally heard some hope from my wife the other day. She said I was stuck with her, no matter what I decided to do. I then felt it taken away when she said it might have to wait about five years.
But she still wants another kid in about a year and a half.
Which is another thing. I realized the other day how much added stress my one year old son has put in my life. I know a lot of people will say that it's the first one and the first year is hard. The second one will be easier. Etc. Etc. But I can't handle it. Truly, most honest thing I've ever said. I. Cannot. Handle. The. Stress.
I told my wife last week that I didn't want another kid. Originally, when we were dating and when we got married, we decided on 2. But having done it now, I don't feel like I want another kid. We got lucky and had a healthy, happy baby with NO issues whatsoever. If we have a baby who is colic, or has special needs, I know I won't make it. My wife got angry, saying it was the plan to have two, and she didn't want our son to be lonely. But, and I know feminists would hate me, no one would blame the mother if she said pregnancy was too hard or the birth was too painful. My female cousin decided not to have a second child because the birth didn't go very well. I think I have a right to decide not to have another kid without being made to feel guilty or, worse, guilted or coerced back into it. Since I explained my concerns, the conversation has gone from "let's not take it off the table" to "we're having another baby, right?"
I'm sick of my life at home honestly. My day consists of, in varying order, feeding my son, doing dishes and/or laundry, trying to clean our mess of a house, getting what I hope will be a 2 hour nap, taking care of my son while my wife sleeps in/ takes a nap. Most nights I make dinner too. Then, once I've put my son to bed at 7:30, I go lay down until 10. During this time, my wife is usually on the computer or watching tv. But her most frequent complaint is how messy the house is... We actually cleaned the other day when she was off of work. We cleaned the room where her new computer was going to be set up...
Quite honestly, the urge to file has not left my mind the whole time I've been writing this. I'm the bad guy, the person who dropped the bomb. I vowed that I wouldn't be the one to walk out, but I am starting to despise that promise. After I said I didn't want another kid, my wife's friend told her that I "couldn't take that away" too. Do I feel like I owe my wife for what I dropped on her? Yeah. But, not that much.
I need to talk to someone. My confidence, which was at an all time high during my transition therapy, has dwindled back down again. I want to put my foot down. I guess I shouldn't care if I'm the bad guy anymore. If I'm going to be happy, I'll ignore the insults and the name calling.
The really bad thing is that everyone thinks my wife is the best person ever. I broke up with her three times when we dated. And added this to the mix. But no one sees how she is when we're alone.
Honestly, I don't really want my wife to be part of Chelsea's life. I have a girls night coming up next Friday. My wife was supposed to work, but she got out of it and invited herself along. I went from being excited to sort of looking forward to it.
sorry for the long rant. Anything is appreciated.
