Today, for some reason, I got an image for how I feel about myself.

I am Grawp.

Big, clumsy, misshapen, bad at communicating, bad at interacting with humans, not too bright.  Mostly good at smashing whatever I touch.  But still a runt when I'm with the other giants.   And no good at living their oafish lifestyle, either.

Most of the time I manage okay, using my usual coping strategy: just don't think about it.  Pretend you're human, ignore the contraindications, if you do it long enough, you can convince yourself.

But sometimes if I've spent too long trying to figure out who and what I really am inside, I blunder past the thickets I've planted to spare myself my self, and I see the reality of who I am: Grawp.

"Know thyself," said the famous philosopher.  But maybe sometimes you're better off not knowing.

Guess what Grawp, you've got company.

I've often been hard on myself for being eccentric, reserved, and not a people person. It was one of the things I beat myself up the most for when I was younger, because it was the main thing visibly setting me apart from others and causing conflict. I even left one of the few social groups I had because they'd been on my case about not being open enough and it had turned into using me as a punching bag, and I later ended a close friendship with someone who consistently pressed me to return despite admitting that it was a toxic environment for me.

So, I'm not normal. I figure there must be more to it than simply being off, and that if I'm born outside of the norm then I must be able to see and think in ways outside of the norm, too. If I'm the anti-human, the opposite of everyone else, then I'm the perfect catalyst for change.

I don't think it's as simple as "fit in" or "don't fit in", but I understand the pain.