Several years ago, it seemed that many of the trans women on the various bulletin boards that I frequented were seriously considering living stealth either during or after transition. However, as I read through the various posts today, it appears fewer may be choosing this option. As someone who did, I wonder why. Does it have to do with a greater degree of acceptance by society toward the trans community, has the scope of those who seriously consider transition increased significantly, or do those who have chosen a stealth lifestyle frequent these sites less often.

Have you seriously considered a stealth life style? What are the reasons for your decision?

I can only speak for my self, but the fact that I've live so much of my life one way then change what's the point of being stealth

All of the above.

Have I considered stealth? yes antill I heard stories off partener rejection after coming out.

I personaly dont think it would be fair to put myself through fear of that.
But their is a lot of gray between stealth and "media spectical"

I fall in the gray. I Dont shout it out, but im not going to hide it either.
Every person I meet that will become a freind will be known to be befreinding an XY woman and not a XX woman.

And I think increased acceptence is why Im comfatable anougth to do that. But area is a factor too, and some will still need stealth.

i live stealth, and due to my circumstances, i'll be still for the next year. not all bad but i just wanna get out sometimes

Quote from: Annie Maier on May 25, 2014, 08:07:32 PM
Have you seriously considered a stealth life style? What are the reasons for your decision?

I made the decision to be open about it because with todays computerized records of everything stealth is becoming almost impossible. We all have a past which will never go away. Look at all we change such as drivers license, insurance plans, bank accounts, medical records, store discount cards and more. Give a kid in a basement 15 minutes and stealth is out the window. Just a sign of the times. I personally think stealth was an option in the past, but today I don't see how it is possible. 

I tried stealth and keeping up with two lives and personalities I found to be entirely too taxing.


Not all circumstances are in a vacuum, but for me living full time is soooo--I can't add enough o's to that so--much better for my psyche in every quantifiable way. 

-AM

Even if you are living "stealth", you never know if you're actually stealth. I was stealth at work for 8 months, and while I don't think anybody knew any better, who is to say they did or didn't?

I am just now meeting with a therapist and have not started transition. But living in stealth mode is something I have thought or dreamed about for years. Obviously, it depends on whether I choose to transition. Then there is the reaction from my family and decisions my wife will make which will be a factor. I also have responsibilities as a father, and that would certainly enter into the decision.

Living completely stealth is probably not going to happen. The chances of somebody finding out somewhere along the line is ridiculously high.

I did consider stealth, but decided that I'm not really fussed.

This is partially because there is more acceptance.

Partially because showing people around me that I'm just some other person and not some monster or spectacle can only be a good thing as far as the general image of trans people goes, helping with aforementioned acceptance for us all.

Also, it seems like to make it work I would have to become more feminine than I actually am, to 'assimilate' more than I can without putting on an act. As long as most of the people around me and the people I care about can accept and treat me as female, I don't really mind. For me, that is only reason I would want to be stealth. But it seems that there are people who can treat you as any other woman while knowing about it, so I'll take that and the benefits that go with it (ie: 2nd point I mentioned + interesting conversation topic).

I'm not going to shout it from the rooftops though. Or make a song and dance of it. If it's directly relevant, I'll mention it (esp being pre-op), otherwise I'll keep it to myself, which is different from actively being stealth. As in, I won't go to great lengths to hide or deny it. So, passive stealth? Like I am about I nearly broke my ankle the first time I went ice skating, it's not a big deal so I neither hide or broadcast it. If what I just said makes sense.

I've also been debating this internally, I would love to be completely open but the timing, situation and location are important. As it is for most I guess. I'm so looking forward to it though!!!

Unfortunately I think I will have to delay for at least the next six months now as I have just been offered a job in the Solomon Islands as an exploration geologist (gold) lol (Girls do geology too lol, I know many ). I will hopefully be able to be stealthily on HRT the whole time, but that is one place in which you do not want to identified as transgender, even homosexuality is still very much illegal and severly punished. It is also a very violent and rapey place. I need to be able to talk to indigenous land owners etc. and I could easily be killed if I was out. Also the guy I will be mostly working for/with is a hard older Rhodesian, he fought in the terrible bush wars there and in Angola, and is a very conservative Christian.. he is a great man in many ways though, but I know if he knew that it would be the end.
I just hope I can find some gold for him and make enough money to go back to university and pay for my surgeries I would guess that college/universities are probably up amongst the best places to come out..

Anyway good luck lovely ladies, sometimes good things can take time   Take care out there. 

I would love to live stealth but I agree with the others in that it seems a bit impossible in this day and age, plus I feel like even if I move somewhere far away it's a small world and someone I once knew might be there and out me. 

The reason I wanna live stealth is because I want to be seen as a woman and many people don't see transexual people as the gender they are, even if they pass really really well. 

I can't wait for the day that it will be common knowledge that transexuals were born the way they are and that to judge us will be like judging conjoined twins to want to have surgery to be moved apart from each other.

Quote from: melanie maritz on May 26, 2014, 12:35:47 AM
The reason I wanna live stealth is because I want to be seen as a woman and many people don't see transexual people as the gender they are, even if they pass really really well. 

I beg to differ. Vary rarely do I get a vibe that somebody doesn't see me as female if they know. Even my UFC loving gun toting conservative brother sees me as female.

That's great Alainaluvsu, I hope I will get to experience that as well when I pass better

I think the days of being truly stealth are long gone.  If someone wants to find out our pasts, it's easy enough.

The best I think I'll ever manage, no matter how passable I end up looking, is being stealth to those who have never met me before - strangers on the street, etc.  There is no chance whatsoever that I'll be able to totally hide my male past.

I'm okay with that though.  I have absolutely no shame (anymore) about being trans.  It is what it is.  I can still be attractive and girly and trans, and there's no need for someone like me to try to hide everything.

I remember how absolutely f**king tiring it was to hide being trans from people.  It was a life-consuming battle that ended up not being worth it.  Trying to go stealth seems like much the same thing - weaving a massive, elaborate shell of fakeness and lies, trying to make everything so perfect and knowing that just one tiny slip will cause everything to collapse.  I couldn't live like that.

That's not to say that I won't do everything within my power and resources to look as girly as I possibly can.  I just don't want to expend the extraordinary mental effort it takes to hide secrets from people.  Life's too short.

I think that transitioning has to be well planned beforehand.
There are different ways to do it.
One is to burn all bridges once you are the other side.
People posting here, even me, will leave a trace.
I have some friends whom never posted anything.
No traces at all. Search engines, Wayback Machine included.
I'm all over the place.
I can only build a shield against bigots and other a-holes passing through my life.
No other solution I guess.
I plan to 'hide' my transition as long as I can.
After that, I'll have to assume the situation.
My bridges are made of stones and iron.
Future will tell.

Sonia

In a way I do live in stealth and in some ways I don't. It's a delicate balance, since going full time and passing. I don't shout it out to every person I meet. My transition is no one's business but mine. Its fine that my past is there to some extent but I don't have a big history of my previous life anyways, since I started transition young. The only people that get to know my trans status up front, from the get go, are those I'm beginning to date. I have friends that don't know I'm trans and I like it that way if they ever do find out, I'd be more than happy to talk and help them understand what transition means and all that stuff. But I'm a woman first and foremost, transition does not define my identity and it isn't something that everyone and anyone needs to know. For me it's extremely private and a very sensitive area of my life, letting someone know something so intimate about myself means that I'm trusting them a great deal and thus that trust is returned back to me. Like I tell them for example outing us in a public space or through gossip is absolutely wrong. So if they ever meet another person in transition they will understand how to respect what we're going through. Now of course that's not always gonna happen and people will talk nonetheless but at least it was said and that's all we can do in the end, is to start some sort of dialogue that helps educate.

Another thing is that for some people it's a non issue so even if someone does know in the end it really doesn't matter, since it's not something that bothers them. A lot of the hate and discrimination we get is mostly from a lack of understanding. If people would just see us as like any other human being then the fear of passing or not and this worry about if they know or not is diminished greatly. All we want is acceptance and understanding.

I was presenting female before hrt, before I was passing. And life was harder than but when I would come out to people, it was a bit of a shock for those who had known me for so long but at the same time they accepted me because I educated them. Many of them were compassionate and very empathetic. It's a tough thing to do but can be done with the right words and timing.

As others have mentioned the issue of your location also plays a serious importance. I live in a town that's extremely conservative. I have to be careful in this area. I really can't wait to live somewhere out west cause this fear is super annoying. It is what it is and I have to keep my guard up at all times cause you never know. Despite that it's of little concern since I have finally gained my confidence back and I'm usually with someone and rarely ever alone. And if I have to I know I can defend myself, that's what all those years of training in martial arts/boxing were for

Quote from: melanie maritz on May 26, 2014, 02:03:39 AM
That's great Alainaluvsu, I hope I will get to experience that as well when I pass better

I don't think it's all about passing in a visual sense. I think it's an overall output from the trans person to relay the correct gender. Honestly, I think voice is a bigger factor than a lot of people realize. And that's just 1 piece of a big puzzle.

You're right Alainaluvsu, passing has a lot to do with how you sound. That's my biggest problem at the moment

If I can get away with someone not realising I'm trans* that's great, so many people know though it's highly unlikely, at least it won't be for a number of years.