My husband came out to me a few years ago before we were to be engaged. It shook our relationship and we called off our engagement for a while. He then came to me and said they were just thoughts and they were gone. I believed him and we continued our engagement and got married a year later. We'll have been married for 3 years this October. He came out to me again last week. This time with the ultimate decision to transition no matter what. I was so devastatingly heart broken. The man I fell in love with and the man that I said my vows to wanting to become a woman. I felt like I should hate him and be angry with him. But I'm not, i'm just incredibly hurt. If he had just been open with me from the start things wouldn't be this hard. I feel like it was all for nothing and the relationship we have doesn't matter. I imagined my future with this man; children, traveling, growing old together. It just feels like its all gone now. I can't be with a woman. I wish I could except him as he is and I am not blaming him at all. But I can't except a woman as a lover. I just can't. But I am trying to make things work. I've agreed to let him go on a low dose of hormones, cross-dress when he is at home, go to support groups, and seeing a therapist. Its going to be hard for me to accept all that in itself, but I am trying. I am really, really trying. I just don't want to lose my husband. We have had such a wonderful marriage, such a happy marriage. My parents love him as a son-in-law. My distant family loves him as in in-law. My grandfather (who very recently passed away) would always tell me it was God that brought me and him together. I know that as hard as it is for me, it is probably harder for him. But I just hope and pray that this new freedom helps him to decide not to fully transition. I don't want to lose him because I love him, I really do.

Its understandable that your struggling, this is not something you expected (even though your spouse did mention it before you married).

Hopefully both of you can work through this, keeping the lines of communication open.  Talk about both of your needs.  This is something your spouse has probably been struggling with their entire life, you can't be expected to understand without time and information.

It can be survived, but only with total honesty between both of you.

Hello superstacy1,

Welcome to Susan's. You are not alone in your feelings and I am glad you found us. I have no personal experience with an SO and transition but I do know there are many here who have.

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Hi Superstacy,

So sorry to hear of your situation. I am the opposite side of the fence, like your husband. The process of admitting to oneself and then others can be tortuous for all involved.

I imagine two kinds of spouse, the soul mate who sees the physical package as unimportant and the partner who is invested equally intellectually and physically in their spouse. Some of us I am sure hope for the former, for someone to love us as we take the steps that are 120% necessary to us; but life is not that easy.

Whilst I want to transition with every fibre of my being and every day I delay tears at the core of me; I cannot yet bring myself to say that to my wife, because she is category two and those four words " I need to transition" will destroy my/our life another way. So I hope in vain that she will accept my steps one by one...which tears at her little by little. And I get grumpy, smoke too much or drink little but too often. It is the worst dilemma, no pain free way to a calm, happy life as myself and as a couple. From your description your husband may be similar to me.

For her not to transition may ruin her as a person; for her to transition may as well if she loses you. But while i believe you can rebuild a life after divorce, you can't mend dysphoria without transition.

So what is left is honest and painful talk and like me she may not open up fully for fear. I cannot lie to my wife, but I also physically cannot say some things. From your perspective you can ask for honest answers to hypothetical questions removing yourself from this hypothetical life:
-  if I was not here would you transition fully?
- have you ever promised yourself you would be living as a woman by a certain age? I promised myself 17,20,25,30,35 and now 38.

If she cannot answer, tears up or is straightforward it might help you have your answer.

Then it comes down to whether you can adapt or become category one...the soul mate ambivalent about packaging. Or the wife who transitions to best friend and transition supporter and advocate. If neither cap fit, I would look out yourself, consider making a clean and swift cut and move on.

I am sure this is not what you wanted to hear, I am not well qualified to advise so can only project my situation onto yours. If it really doesn't ring true or offends anyone in any way, my sincerest apologies.

Nat

I'm only 26 years old. I've never been married. I've never had anyone I would consider to have a serious relationship before my boyfriend. And...I understand. I understand vaguely how hard this will be for you both. But I also know this much, that if you love your spouse, you can accept this eventually. (I'll call her she as it seems obvious your SO is a MtF based on what you have said.) Love is about long suffering, and caring for someone more than you care for yourself. About being willing to die for them if you really love them more than just a little. I assume that as you are married and profess to love them that you can eventually accept this. I know it's a big step. And I am sure it must be shocking.

You are probably thinking about how she lied to you back then. How she pretended it went away. And lying to your spouse, I can only imagine, is hurtfull. Especially on such a huge issue. And I can see how that must hurt you.And then, you must be hurt that she was never really giving you her true self. Always holding herself back and never really divulging or showing herself.And I can imagine that you might feel that she's stealing your marriage and the happyness, and future happiness. I can see many more, but then my post would take ages.

But also understand your spouses desperation.  Those feelings hidden even from you, the person she should have no secrets from. I can imagine her pain too. I don't think she wanted to keep this from you. I can only imagine the pain of keeping this from you. And the pain from the dysphoria wasn't helping. I can sympathize with the daily battle. Trying to repress it. Shoving your inner self and true feelings deep down into your mind and locking them up so tight that you can almost forget they are there. you can never really forget it totally. And each day you  lie to yourself is a day you fail to deal with it. And it makes the depression worse. 2 maybe 3 episodes of depression a week is what i've had. Sometimes crying, and missing half a nights sleep or a full one. It varies. Some people feel none, others feel much more. I have no idea where I am on the spectrum. And then there was likely the effort to hide it from you when she probably needed the emotional support. Just hiding depression is hard and not really effective. To be honest, and I can not say, I don't know, nor do I claim to know, this is merely a possibility, but I think she might not have been quite as happy as you, not due to you but these issues.

Anyway. I would suggest marriage counselling. It's all i can think of. Also...This kind of thing doesn't go away, if anything, it gets worse. She'll only feel worse inside if she has to repress it, and it'll take it's own toll on your marriage. There could even end up being resentment issues.

I again say this... I do NOT have any authoirty. This is only my intuition and what I could see happening. I am sure this is hard. And if you think we can't imagine the issues, or mroe specifically me, you should know that people in this forum have faced these issues, or will eventually. And I've already told 2 family members of my own gender issues. I know the awkwardness and fear of telling. I would have a nice long talk and say everything on your mind, holding nothing back.

To paraphrase "The Name of the Wind's Teccam" Secrets of the heart are like stones in your heart. They grow and grow and drag you down. Unlike secrets of the tongue, they don't press to escape and get ot. They grow heavier and heavier and are hard to ever tell. People hoard these secrets in their heart like some twisted treasure. Anyway. I lack any authority or knowledge of your situation other than what you said. this is all my own opinion and suggestions. Feel free to ignore it. I am sorry if any feelings were hurt. 

Well i have been reading your story for a while and i know how you feel. i fell in love with my girl not knowing at first she was MtF and when we started talking more just before i asked her out she came out with it. i had to think about this. i mean she is awesome and i love her but it did strike me hard but i just thought of this. i loved her for her for the things that i know wont change and if they do they wont change drastically. You getting married to her (i'm saying her for the same reason rayne did) means that you really love her. Maybe you should talk to each other and figure things out. and also take some time to think about it yourself. i'm not the best at this stuff but i do know how you feel and i thought maybe getting a few pointers from someone who use to be in your spot would help. If it didn't i'm sorry.

Welcome to Susan's, Stacy!

You and I have very similar stories. I'm really struggling, too. I only found out about my husband's feelings recently, although honestly he first told me last summer, then retracted it like a day later saying he was wrong. Some days I think that I can totally handle this, that my spouse transitioning is just the wrapping paper, that he's still a great person inside and that he isn't doing anything "wrong". On the other hand, I think I can never stay in this marriage, that I'm still young and that I'm giving up on my own life and happiness if I stay with him and maybe resent him or something. I really want to support him in his transition, but I also want him to stay my cute, male, husband. I think that I need to be a better person. Yesterday, he and I argued all day via text message because I need him to be honest with me, and we need honesty for our whole relationship to work anyway, and he says he's afraid to tell me things because he doesn't want me to get upset. We have a lot of rough patches in our past, because I have lots of trust issues anyway, and I struggle with anxiety that causes me to overthink and overanalyze and worry, worry, worry. He is super sensitive and takes every frustration I express as a personal attack. I get frustrated becuase I don't know that love is enough to get through this; I wonder if I will ever be able to see him as her. And, I remind myself that I am forty steps ahead of where he actually is: right now he is experimenting and hasn't even been officially diagnosed, he has yet to go to therapy. Anyway, I hope that we SO's who are not 100% cheerleaders (yet) can reach peace in our own minds and be ok with all of these changes.

Hi Katrinka,

You're beautiful btw so lets get that out of the way :-)    I'm so sorry for what you're going through right now, I'm sure it's pure torture.  But, be thankfull knowing that there  are others, like me, that have absolutely no chance in hell passing for a woman at all, but you can, and DO, unqueastioabetly, if that's even a word.

I'm sorry I can't offer any more advice other than be happy with how beautiful you are and to be strong and decisive with you're decision making I the future.

You're a reason why I continue on, though our situations are quite different.

-Matt Eachon

Superstacy

Your story is not dissimilar to many of our partners.  In my case the only way we have moved forward is through a commitment to total honesty with full and timely communication.   You, your partner and both of you as a couple should seek support.

It is easy to jump to conclusions early in this process.   However you may both discover a deeper love and stronger relationship as you move forward together.  In our case while I had initially thought, and told my wife, that I identified as a woman and wished to fully transition, this is not what has happened.   Over time I recognised that my identity was non binary.  This has meant that while I now present more androgynously my wife and friends still see me as her husband.   The fact that I have removed all facial and body hair, taken low dose hrt, had ffs, grown my hair longer and have manicured but not lacquered nails has met my needs and those of my wife. 

I am now expressing myself authentically and our relationship has strengthened as we have moved forward together.

Whichever path you choose I wish and your partner all the very best.

Safe travels

Aisla

I think a lot of transpeople do believe at times that they are "over it," that they don't have to transition, that it was all a wild hair and sorry for bringing it up and all that. I don't think it's an issue of dishonesty. It can be terrifying to go forward, especially knowing that to do so could let down loved ones. I spent years trying to force myself to be a woman and I only stopped once it became more painful than just giving in and transitioning. Your spouse is probably doing their best to be authentic and do right by you.

I am the spouse of a transgender woman for essentially some 30 years. She knew I was TG back then, I also thought that I could keep on faking being a guy back then. I actually had a fairly good run at faking it. I also created a LOT of problems for myself, for her and for US in how I was dealing with it.

Back a few years ago when I dropped the T-Bomb she was devastated. She felt betrayed, lied to, saw all our and especially her hopes, wishes and dreams vanish. In many ways I totally and unilaterally redefined our marriage.

Bottom line, you are far from alone in how you feel. It is a shock for a spouse, any spouse, even under what may seem to be optimal circumstances.

The past few years have been a struggle for us both dealing with unknowns. She married a man, likes men and how they make her feel. One of her zingers is "I had the opportunity to marry a woman if I wanted to." She tries her best to support me since she fears the alternative is finding me hanging from a rafter in the garage. I fear the alternative of turning into a lifeless, soulless, zombie again. Perhaps better off dead except I have promises to keep and obligations to live up to.

Thank you everyone for the replies. It just seems like the beginning of a long journey. I'm trying to be loving and supportive but sometimes I get really week and break down. Lots of tears have been shed. From both sides. But I'm trying and I hope it counts for something. I just never in a million years thought I'd be going through this. And maybe If I was raised differently, or maybe if I was just different, things would've been easier.

Quote from: Superstacy00 on June 07, 2014, 10:21:27 AM
And maybe If I was raised differently, or maybe if I was just different, things would've been easier.

I can guarantee that many, many of us have felt exactly this. I'd be willing to bet your partner does, too.

Quote from: Superstacy00 on June 07, 2014, 10:21:27 AM
Thank you everyone for the replies. It just seems like the beginning of a long journey. I'm trying to be loving and supportive but sometimes I get really week and break down. Lots of tears have been shed. From both sides. But I'm trying and I hope it counts for something. I just never in a million years thought I'd be going through this. And maybe If I was raised differently, or maybe if I was just different, things would've been easier.

I don't know if this has been said or not but, one thing you said is, you don't want to lose them because you love them. Well, keep in mind, you aren't losing the person you know and love, they're still there right by you, no matter what form or shape they may be in. To put it another way, let's say they got into an accident which left them somehow able to still walk, talk & function and all in life but their appearance was now so disfigured, you couldn't see the person they used to look like but, by being with that person, you can still see who they always were. Make sense? So, just remember to try you best to be supportive/there for them and also remember, they're still the same person you know and love, just more themselves is all. Hope that helps you both.

For us, your answer is half and half Shana. Rationally, yes. Emotionally, no. I get the analogy, I do. The selfishness to choose to walk away is more apparent in your example than in what we face, but it is exactly the same. This selfishness though, is what puts us into such dire emotional spaces.

No one chooses to have life be this hard. Once you've been with a partner past that point where your investments are in the lifetime range, these choices we make to work at our investments changes the scope of it all. For me, it's the knowing would've given me the option not to have chosen this from the beginning. That very well may have changed the course of my life. Regret not having been given the option. I understand growing up and discovering who you really are as you age. Being married is the bond that finds us working together to try to get the balance just right to stay as a couple.

I am not fond of phrasing it thusly but when our partners say that they are still the same person that they were before but even more themselves, it's simply not true. The idea of it is clear, but in practice it really isn't.  Thought processes, considerations are different, behaviours, choices are different. Small things like a change in habit, to visible (yes, superficial) ones like hair removal are intensely apparent to SO's. They change our perception of the person who we now mourn having lost. Being supportive is different for everyone, but each change highlights something that will forever be lost of the person that was.

Then, there is the perception of us, the SO's. We are damned if we do and damned if we don't. Being a supportive wife and staying can mean letting your loved one change from being someone they were not to someone that they are or want to be and we have to change too. (Some of us have to change to live lives as what we aren't.) Leaving makes you even less humane. There is no easy answer.

So, I doubt that I'm making sense anymore but I'm hoping Stacy is having a better time this week and I'll apologize for overrunning her thread.

Sayra,
You have completely hit the nail on the head and I totally thank you for that.

My husband tells me all the time that I'm not losing anything, that nothing is going to change, that everything is the same as it has always been. But I just don't feel that way. I feel like I am mourning. My husband makes me feel guilty for missing the artificial things like the smell of cologne or the what he used to wear... And I've read so many things about how we should love what's inside and not whats on the outside. And I've always loved his personality. Since he has come out to me things have changed. Sometimes I don't recognize this person at all. I am in such a dark place right now. I honestly don't know if I can keep doing this. I don't really have anyone to talk to about this in real life besides my therapist. I just can't help but feel totally and completely alone. I just don't know what to do anymore.

@Stacy & Sayra: I never said things wouldn't be different. That's why I gave that example. If either of you have ever played Kingdom Hearts 2 and you know about Riku in that game/series then you might better know what I was trying to say. Sure things aren't going to be the same, both emotionally and physically and yes the person on the inside is being more of themselves so things aren't fully the same there but, if you look hard enough, maybe you can see the person you know and love. Either way, it's not going to be easy for anyone and I wish you all the best of luck! Just keep going to the therapist and talking to them about it. Keep hanging in there as much as you can and I really do hope it all works out. Also, sorry I couldn't be of help.

Stacy, I didn't know how badly the isolation made things for me until I asked my husband if I could have my best friend to confide in her to ask for her support back. There was shock, but her concern was ultimately for me. It's good to have a therapist but having someone who knows you without the title of patient or client is immeasureable. Problem is in asking to reveal a dire secret that isn't yours but binds you tighter than any secret might.

Knowing that you and Kat are in the same boat has helped me feel loads less crazy. The SO forums are quiet here, but they are at least not entirely filled with vitriol. Some of the other sites are much more suited to nearly lunatic situations and I know they are there and they make me feels slightly less bad because at least I'm not experiencing what they are. Looking at this chasm that TG has put between us, despite our honesty and love for each other, I am certain that it is better knowing someone, somewhere is standing right next to me feeling how I feel and that it's understood why I feel that way.

I know we will do what needs to be done and just hope that if nothing else, I have a few words that might make this a little less difficult. Hope that you and Kat are having good weeks.

SuperStacy, you and I in so the same place. My spouse has changed so much since February (weight, hair, clothes, voice, friends) I feel like I am on a train that is out of control. He gets so mad at me when I mention what I see (he for now; still hasn't started the official transition and I am holding onto the past as long as I can). I go from ok, to panic, to fear, to anger, to numb. He just doesn't seem to understand that I liked how he looked with a little more "meat" and I liked his sideburns, and I liked his rough jaw skin in the morning. I liked other things, too. He tells me I'm mean, "The meanest person I've ever met," in fact, because I still feel so betrayed and scared and confused and uncertain... and certain about my bottom line. We are seriously lone wolves in this journey. My therapist is pretty much at a loss as what to do with me; she told me to go to the same gender therapist as my husband (who still has not had an appointment). I want us to go together. I'm starting to wonder if I am interested in women, since "he" has ALWAYS been a woman. Maybe I don't know myself. This is like going through some terrible teenage movie or MTV reality series. I hate it. I hate losing my emotions and my mind and my temper. I'm so over it. I told him I want a separation, and he said no. No. I feel trapped. But at the same time, I don't really want to run away. Both situations are terrifying.