As an SO of someone who is still deciding how far to transition, I am standing right here in the exact same shoes in the exact same moment. There's a couple of things that I think might need a little clarification.
One is that in any relationship, regardless of who the two parties are, what they do and how they live, each partner is fully entitled to set boundaries and expectations within that relationship to ensure it's success. Lifestyle choices to little habits, they're things that we choose to do. These are also the things that set our loved ones on fire when it's something they're not happy with. There are spoken, unspoken, expected, unexpected and constantly changing boundaries. Especially when it comes to the point where your partner is choosing to change gender. Doesn't matter how far, where, or when. I'll give a fairly benign example: I'm married to a partner, and say he chooses to start hanging out with lots of young people who like to drink. I don't drink, and I'm not fond or accepting of his behaviour when he does drink. This is a boundary that I have set. This is a boundary that is specific to me. If my partner feels that this is unreasonable and will make him thusly so unhappy as to be happier without this boundary, then we part ways. I might still love him, but it's something that we don't agree on, and neither party is willing to change their standpoint and compromise.
Second thing is that the issues we as SO's see as important, aren't the same for each of us. It's the same on the other side of the issue where the loved one is changing and they don't know how they want to get to where they think they need to be. Each side will see different things as triggers and each of us will be different. I don't particularly see the use in judging whether Stacy has the right to see things her way is correct or incorrect according to the issue at hand. She sees things the way she sees them. Her feelings as they are to her are justified.
Those things said, I know where she stands. What it does come down to is the question: are we right for each other anymore? I'm facing it this week too. There's a line that moves for us, for where we are comfortable and where we are not. It's different for every couple and it's different for every SO. How far is too far for me to stay and still be happy? This question applies to pretty much anything that is an issue within a relationship, not just transitioning. But, Stacy, that's really up to you. I think maybe seeing someone professional might help you find where you feel that point of no return might be.
Transitioning has a sliding scale of end points which are different for each individual. Some might be ok with just hormones and others feel the need to go through SRS and all the other surgeries. A few of the replies here have been from those who are along this path, and you can see that their point of view of transitioning even differ. All that we can say as an SO is where you feel you need to draw the line. You've been a wonderful partner to someone who needed your support in a difficult time in their life, and one thing that I think we all forget is that the SO is affected. No, clothing and looks don't hurt anyone, but it changes how we feel. It changes our perspective of our loved one, the life we live together, and eventually it will change how people perceive us, the significant other of someone who has transitioned.
The changes that might come with staying are something we have to consider. Our loved one going from the person we expected to a person we didn't expect (sometimes only, since sometimes the loved one does explain beforehand), is hard. But that's the same in any relationship. We change as we age and we change as life goes on. The choice is yours Stacy and no one would fault your choice of either. We waiver in our support almost minute to minute some days and other days we're stronger than the Rock of Gibraltar. We are human. We are allowed to be fearful of the future, to be unsure of where we stand, and we are more than allowed to make the choice of where we draw the line. These are things that apply to EVERY relationship, so these ones are no different and are still subject to the same options. Whether your partner agrees is where the issue lies.
Good luck to you both Stacy. We're doing our best to hold strong and find a balance that works for the both of us. You will too.
