Quote from: Katrinka on June 12, 2014, 04:22:45 PM
The lies and the lies about lying are destroying our relationship.
Indeed. This is probably the key to the whole problem.
Let me paint some background for you: I am an MtF and I am going all the way with my transition and I am awaiting a surgery date. I live fulltime as female and have done for some time now. I am still married to my wife.
Before we married I told her I had gender issues. Back then I thought I was a cross-dresser and she thought it was strange but otherwise was not too bothered. Over the next few years I dressed on and off until we had children and then I threw everything out and tried very, very hard to suppress my feelings. I knew I could beat it. I knew I could manage. I knew I would keep it locked up forever.
I was wrong.
So I told her. It was stormy. We cried a lake of tears but we loved each other and we had a happy family and a house house and good jobs and we so desparately loved each other. So we agreed that step number one was to get counselling for me. I started a medical file and put everything in it. Letters, diagnoses, whatever - and I put it in a "public" place. She could pick it up at any time and look through it if she wanted to. I do not know if she ever has.
My diagnosis was unequivocal - I had "classic" Gender Dysphoria and was referred to specialists for further diagnosis and hormone treatment. I told her and we agreed to tell the kids. We had to water it down a bit as they were young teens. Then we had to tell the extended families, then friends, then work, etc.
We agreed a method between us. At one point I started going too fast and she told me. I apologised and slowed down. She requested that I did not have surgery and I agreed to that. Over time we slowly became accustomed to our new situation. I began hormones and they gave me a drug which is rarely used in the USA but which shut down my body's hormones practically overnight. "Down below" just stopped working. After some months it became obvious that down below was "dead" and that it was now a nuisance. She then told me that it needs to go so now I am awaiting surgery.
The point of this ramble is this: There are two factors that made my transition a success in terms of keeping us together.
1) We admitted what was happening had to happen. I had tried really hard to suppress it and I failed. Yes, I was not what she signed up for. As a cross-dresser I would at least still been a bloke. I never wanted to transition and I did everything I could to be as male as possible, but marrying her was not part of that. I married her because I truly loved her and I still do. I never married her to prove anything to myself or anyone else. I married her because, to me, she is the most wonderful person I have ever met and I will love her until my dying day.
2) We were open and honest with each other. Sometimes we had to work up to things. Some topics took time to approach. There were rows, there were arguments but we realised that there was no sense in setting up "hard" or "immovable" boundaries. As my transition progressed things changed and how we viewed my transition changed too. What we think about SRS now is not what we though 2 years ago.
Transition is a slow process and there is no point in me rushing at it. Having said that, I know that a lot of MtF's go through a period of wanting to move on and "make progress" and this is usually too much too soon. She pulled me back and she was right to do it.
My transition letters file is a lot thicker these days, but it still sits out were anyone can pick it up and go through it. I can see it now as I sit here typing this. I have no secrets from her because we know where we are going. Being open with each other, taking our time and not setting absolute limits has worked for us. I hope you can find things in my story which you can use and adapt in your own setting. It can be done, but openness, honesty and patience are the keys.
I wish you all the very, very best and all my love x x
