At risk of sounding like a whiny attention seeker, I really want to be male and it's been getting me down a lot lately. I fantasize about being born male, or suddenly becoming male all the time. It sounds silly but that's the thing I want most. I dream of being in a rock band with fangirls throwing themselves at me. I really prefer guys clothes to girls, but I wear girl clothes like t shirts and tracky bottoms instead of really girlish clothes. I always pretend I'm a guy online. I get annoyed when I'm with female friends because the conversation is so dry (boys, clothes, bitching). Whenever I try to talk about my interests no one else has any real knowledge on the matter. I dream of running away to a different country, having a sex change and not telling anyone I'm not an actual guy. I feel utter despair as I know I'll never be an actual guy with a sex change. I'm 5'4, have a feminine face, and of course the lack of penis. Whenever I picture my future I am always a guy, I cant imagine being female. It feels surreal sometimes, like I'm going to wake up and be male, it's all just a nightmare. I don't know why I'm posting here, maybe for some people who've been through similar to help me out a bit? It sounds weird but whenever I am around my brothers I feel angry that they got to be guys and I didn't. I don't know if I feel like an actual male inside, or just desperately want to be male?

Hi, ScottyMac, and welcome to Susan's!

You sound like a pretty typical trans guy to me; your feelings are pretty similar to my own, and I'm sure to others in this group. Your best bet is to find a therapist that has experience with trans folks and tell them what you've told us, and explore your options. We will support you all the way, no matter which path you take.

Know that you are NOT alone. Hang in there!

-Jay

Quote from: ScottyMac on June 21, 2014, 04:28:05 AM
I feel utter despair as I know I'll never be an actual guy with a sex change. I'm 5'4, have a feminine face, and of course the lack of penis.

First, and most importantly, if you are a trans man, you are already an "actual guy", and always were. It is a person's brain that makes them who they are, not their reproductive organs.

Setting aside that biologically speaking, a clitoris is simply an underdeveloped penis - many trans men consider themselves to already have a penis, albeit possibly not the one they wish they had, whether they plan to get genital surgery or not - it is not the penis that makes someone a man. Think about this. If a man loses his penis in an accident, does he stop being a man? Or is he still a man, just a man something bad has happened to? It's natural to mourn what we feel like we "should" have but it doesn't mean we aren't men.

Incidentally, you and I are the same height. There are plenty of cisgender (i.e. not transgender) men who are shorter than 5'4''. They're still men.
There are cisgender men with feminine facial features. And, testosterone hormone replacement therapy (T, HRT) can do surprising things to change a face.

Thanks, guys. I think my fear is being stuck in a weird man/woman state with the use of hormones, like people could see I'm biologically female. It'd be easier to live life as female than that I think. I don't know if I've stopped growing yet, as I'm not an adult,  so hopefully I'll get a bit taller.

I'm just scared I'll end up a strange man/woman that will get hate from society for it. Do other guys think you're weird for it, or do they accept you? My dream is to be 'one of the guys' haha. When I interact with guys, I'm obviously being treated as female right now unfortunately.

If you take hormones, do you pass 100% as a guy?
Sorry for all the questions, my mind is kind of blown these part few days. I didn't know this was as much of a viable option as it was haha

http://www.oddee.com/item_98038.aspx

If they were not out, you'd never know they weren't born guys. The one local dude I know that started transitioning 10+ years ago is indistinguishable from a cismale.

Edit: A lengthy but worthwhile read from Nathaniel Wolfe - http://shiftingstrands.blogspot.com/2011/09/what-you-see-is-what-you-get.html

Quote from: ScottyMac on June 21, 2014, 04:28:05 AM
At risk of sounding like a whiny attention seeker, I really want to be male and it's been getting me down a lot lately. I fantasize about being born male, or suddenly becoming male all the time. It sounds silly but that's the thing I want most. I dream of being in a rock band with fangirls throwing themselves at me. I really prefer guys clothes to girls, but I wear girl clothes like t shirts and tracky bottoms instead of really girlish clothes. I always pretend I'm a guy online. I get annoyed when I'm with female friends because the conversation is so dry (boys, clothes, bitching). Whenever I try to talk about my interests no one else has any real knowledge on the matter. I dream of running away to a different country, having a sex change and not telling anyone I'm not an actual guy. I feel utter despair as I know I'll never be an actual guy with a sex change. I'm 5'4, have a feminine face, and of course the lack of penis. Whenever I picture my future I am always a guy, I cant imagine being female. It feels surreal sometimes, like I'm going to wake up and be male, it's all just a nightmare. I don't know why I'm posting here, maybe for some people who've been through similar to help me out a bit? It sounds weird but whenever I am around my brothers I feel angry that they got to be guys and I didn't. I don't know if I feel like an actual male inside, or just desperately want to be male?

Yea as someone already said your brain makes you male not your body the brains of males and females are most definately different, And as he also stated biologically speaking a clitoris is a penis just underdevloped and the inverse of that can be stated a penis is an oversized clit..... So you kind of have a penis, Thats what I consider mine but if your for sure trans you already are a guy. All my friends see me as Brandon and Brandon only and most of them know I'm trans but I'm just a guy to them but I'm also very masculine my voice isn't high and I'm toned pretty well muscle wise so they don't think twice about it, I bring off male energy. And yes you can look a 100% how your suppose to on T, I already pass 99.9% of the time and I'm pre everything.

Quote from: ScottyMac on June 21, 2014, 11:15:04 AMThanks, guys. I think my fear is being stuck in a weird man/woman state with the use of hormones, like people could see I'm biologically female. It'd be easier to live life as female than that I think.

This is just my experience, but I've found it easier to live as a man even if people can still tell I'm trans. T has had positive effects on my mental health. Even living as a man pre-T was a huge relief. I've been able to gain more confidence and feel more comfortable. It took awhile and I was nervous at first, but I'm definitely a lot happier.

Quote from: ScottyMac on June 21, 2014, 11:15:04 AMI'm just scared I'll end up a strange man/woman that will get hate from society for it. Do other guys think you're weird for it, or do they accept you? My dream is to be 'one of the guys' haha. When I interact with guys, I'm obviously being treated as female right now unfortunately.

Most guys (although not all) accept me and treat me as a guy.

Quote from: ScottyMac on June 21, 2014, 11:15:04 AMIf you take hormones, do you pass 100% as a guy?

Depends on the guy and how long he's been on hormones. I've been on T for about eight months and I still look effeminate. There are other guys that can pass pre-T. It's the luck of the draw I guess, but there is a good chance that you will eventually be able to pass 100% as a guy.

I'm 5'4" and had a feminine face and voice. I didn't pass as quickly as other guys, but I did eventually start passing and now I pass all the time. Most FTMs will pass as male. There are few rare exceptions who for whatever reason struggle, but the way I see it, if I can pass most people can pass.

To address your fear of being sort of half and half...There is an in-between stage that's uncomfortable. Coming out is hard, waiting to pass is hard. I'd be lying if I denied that. But it does get better and easier when you pass. Families get over it, you can cut out friends who treat you with disrespect (they may not even do that), and you have new life experiences and get to know new people as a guy.