Hey. This is my first post, but I've been lurking on the site for a good year or so before I created an actual account.
I figured now's a good time to sign up, though. Gonna need the support.
Yesterday, my mother came around-- I told her I'd found a sliding scale therapist in our area who could set me up with an endocrinologist (I, however, have such extreme anxiety about breaching this subject with her, I messaged her on Facebook from across the house. Manliest manly man, right here, facing his fears), and she told me she'd think about it, and not to get my hopes up. The plan is to call on Monday, and get a price range and whatnot. I was buzzing for the entire day afterwords; I'm sitting here thinking,
God! This is happening! I've got my shot to do this! I've found a therapist who might be able to work with me, and give me that golden ticket, and she's had 30+ years of experience-- I know not to get my hopes up, but how can I not? This is happening to me! Meanwhile, my mother was busy being very amused at the fact that the aforementioned therapist's name has the word
'butch' in it (Butchko). She got a kick out of it.
Today... Sunday. I've been buzzy all day, still. Bouncy, even. I haven't been as depressed, which is understandable. I've been
myself again. I've come out of my room and I'm laughing and I can't stop grinning, but something was said (I think it was something along the lines of,
oh my gods, I'm going to get a beard, I'll have man hands
and my voice won't be so horrible and everything's just going to fall into place!), and my mom just... She got distant. And I understand how she needs to cope with this, and I've got this really crappy sense of entitlement that bites me in the ass every time this comes up, because I
need her to understand this for me. I need her to stop being so difficult, and I need her to help me, and I forget that this is difficult for her.
I just wish she'd understand how damned much it hurts when she calls me her 'baby girl',
as she's comforting me because I'm dysphoric. It's why I'm always hiding from her. I'd rather be addressed as a man, or not at all. It
legitimately hurts, as I'm sure you can understand.
Count down on the clock, there's about two hours until Monday, and I'm starting to crash again.
I managed to talk to a friend about it, and get myself rallied up, get pumped and excited and remind myself that we're going to be setting an appointment up tomorrow.
I can start to actually live my life once the effects of T start to kick in. I never realized it would be this easy to find a therapist. I'd been sort of scared, almost, to even start looking- the horror story featured on the Transitional Male website (
http://www.thetransitionalmale.com/steps.html ) made sure that I was excessively paranoid about speaking up about wanting to be put on T. But really, it was as easy as reading a little further on the site and gathering the balls (no pun intended) to ask my mother about it.
And now, here I am, twenty minutes into Monday, and I can't sleep. I don't know what these appointments are like. I don't know what kind of questions I'm going to be asked. I don't even know what this doctor looks like. I don't know if there are any endocrinologists in my state other than the one two hours away, and I don't know how testosterone is supplied. I know it's cheaper by injection, so I know how it's
administered.. I just don't know how I'm going to get it. Do you drive out and pick it up monthly? Is it delivered? Do you receive a years' supply?
I don't know.. Anything, anymore, really. I know it all in theory. Talk to a therapist, they give you permission to be put on T after anywhere between three or six months, maybe even a year, maybe way less-- someone I know got their testosterone after their second session! I've just...
Is it reasonable to be scared, just because I don't know what it's going to be like? I
like new things!! Why am I so nervous about this? What's going to
happen to me while I'm there...?
I'm about to jump into the deepest lake I've ever seen, and I can't swim for that long without grabbing a branch or something. I just don't know which branches to grab.
What on Earth do I do now..?
