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What Have You Done Today?

Started by King Malachite, February 22, 2012, 04:42:33 PM

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Megan Joanne

So, had a rough day today. Started out seemingly fine, work went okay, worked out housewares. But even while working I had a lot on my mind, thinking mostly about my job or what I could do to better myself to make more. Got home, took a shower, epilated the hair that was already growing back on my legs all too soon after I had done this just a few days ago. Then what little bit I had on my stomach area, then notice something new, more than a few already long thick black hairs had appeared on my chest, or should I say my breasts, totally ruining what pretty there was to that area. I expected this, knew it would happen as it had before when off of the hormones, so shrugged it off and pulled those out as well. But, my mood was affected from that point on, started on a downward spiral, and pretty quickly at that.

Had just gotten on the internet and feeling very hopeless about everything, I suddenly didn't even want to do anything, I didn't want to talk to anyone, and just wanted to curl up on the floor and die. My mood got worst. I read a few messages, made a reply or two (I can't even remember to what), then feelings of self-destruction came over me. I started deleting myself, first my videos on Youtube, next my pictures on Picasa, after that would have been every account I had on the internet as I wanted to purge myself of existence. At one point I got so scared I'd do something to destroy myself I had looked over at our cell phone and thought about calling for help, but then figured, why bother, not like anyone would care, they'd just be doing their job is all. And I couldn't see me calling anyone else because seriously when I get like this I'm hoping to have the strength to end it, which was the point of the deletion process. I had done this several times before in the past, and each of those times is because of the same ordeal that I'll going through now, my female self would never hurt herself so much, she wants to live, I don't (I don't feel like her anymore).

I took my dog out after the video and photo deletions, then once I came home went to sleep. I had thought about cross-stitching again but was under enough mental stress, I didn't need to add to it, probably wouldn't just gotten frustrated over a simple little thing such as knot or something and torn my work to shreds. Woke up a couple hours later, felt very sick, weak, mentally and physically. I didn't even play with my dog today, barely even shown her any attention other than our walk. Mom came home shortly after I got up, we talked, she told me how her evening was at work, I told her I had a bad day and how it was, she gave me a hug and told me that she loves me even with all my problems, that I'm the daughter she should have had, actually I am but I knew what she meant. Another thing that has been bothering me, while I'm not feeling very beautiful at all, I'm getting told that I am, and actually a lot, probably too much being my current mental state, today it hit me that it actually grated on my nerves, just pissed me off all the more, because I wanted to hate myself, that self-destructive male part of me that I hate so much wanted others to as well, but instead they don't and I wanted a reason to not go on. Why do people seem to like me when I hate me so much? I don't. But I felt this way today.

I signed out of Susan's this afternoon before going to sleep, wasn't going to come back, wasn't even going to answer any emails if I got any, but later I got on the internet, went to my gmail, or so I thought, looked at a reply from a friend, contemplated answering, but didn't, but then went to go back and read it again but it wasn't there. Huh? Then I realized I didn't see it in my gmail, I had logged back into Susan's automatically out of habit without even realizing it. Sure enough, yep, just signed back in a few minutes ago and yep, there it was. Thank you my new friend for your understanding when I last replied and tried to brush you off, that you didn't take it to heart and hate me for it, means a lot to me. You really rewrote that PM four times? Well, just so you know, your time wasn't wasted. Okay, so its after 1:30 in the morning now, and I have recovered, temporary yes, but enough to keep me going for one more day. Sorry I was a bitch if I was.

I have to keep this daily log going on here because if I don't then I won't write anything, won't care, and won't have anything to look back on when times are better so I can see how far I'd come and that I did have the strength afterall to make it. 'Megan' means "strong, mighty, or able", sure I given myself that name, but it was put in my mind for a reason, may I live up it.
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Evelyn K

Megan check your inbox. You've got an angel.
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HoneyStrums

I was lazy and watched so much game of thrones. 2 and a half episodes to go on season four :)

And hopefully made someone feel better :)
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Megan Joanne

Okay, started the day like any other work day, so skipping past the unnecessary same ol' details of the morning, getting straight to work. Today, asked boss lady what she'd like me to work on, as I was thinking of working out stationary because it still had yet to be touched, but she told me to work crafts (vases, frames and candles), but there wasn't much there, not really so I didn't understand why that. But looking at what was left for housewares and HBC, she added those to the list, but to start with HBC and get all that done and whatever time I had left go to the other sections. I knew already I wouldn't have any time to do anything else, while I did knock out much of it days before I still had a lot, and much of that were things that had to be unwrapped from plastic, so tedious and slow. I got everything on a u-boat that I knew for sure I could put out then went to it.

First thing I pick up off the u-boat when getting out to my isle was a case of bodywash, opened it up, started to remove them, putting several in the emtpy space I made on the shelf, but noticing what looked like icky stuff on the bottoms of them, thought it was dried up goo from a leaky one (figured I'd find it soon enough). I pull out another one from the box...WTF! Wait a moment, not good enough...WTF!!!!! Maggots!? Huh? Eeew! Gross! A huge pile of white squirmy things were all at the bottom center of the box. Then I went to grab the ones I put on the shelf to put them back in the box and my hand brushes against more that must've fallen off of the bottom of the bodywash bottles and were crawling around on the shelf. Okay, I think the boss should see this. So I go around to the next isle where she was working on the pet supplies and being that there was a customer in my isle I just calmly whispered to her that I opened up a box of bodywash and there are maggots all in there. She's like, What!?

So she comes back around with me and sees the big pile that had spread out across the carpet and totally grossed out storms over and grabs some roach & ant killer spray. I tell her, I won't be able to handle it if you use that. She said I didn't have to, that she would. And even with customer standing there, she starts spraying all over the place, the box with the product, not really getting the critters at the bottom, just the tops of the bodywashes, and then the floor around it. I had to back up into the receiving area the poisonous vapors were too strong. Customer just continued to shop, didn't seem to bother her at all. So once the air was somewhat clear I rush out passed that isle via another and grab my u-boat hauling it to the front HBC isle to start working there instead. Then I discover more of these crawlies on top of another box, left overs apparently from the one they'd come from. So I take a closer look. Oh, these aren't maggots, they're termites! Silly me. Duh, cardboard, chemical product, not food, why would they be fly larvae. So I tell my boss. Yeah, from quick glance and not close enough, these little white bugs appeared to be squirming around, but in fact have legs and jaws and were eating the cardboard.

So we went to the back and just as I thought once I knew what they were, yep, all over the wooden palette as well. Boss lady took care of the box bringing that out back outside, I lifted up the palette and dragged that out so they don't decide to set up house in any of the other ones. Then went back to working. Of coarse now the carpet where I would soon need to go back to put out other stuff now has pesticide all over it, wonderful. I made a mistake not taking a closer look at first and going to her because she overreacted spraying like that, but anyway, don't need a termite infestation in the building either. Bad enough we got beetles crushed everywhere when we suddenly had an invasion from them a few weeks ago, damn things stink too. Anyway, so I continued to work, but at one point my boss calls me to the back, she had the back door opened and asked me if I could get some paper towels and the spic 'n span, okay, I knew what she was going to do. I thought at first when she sprayed down the merchandise that what a waste, but yep, just as I thought, she was going to clean them off now. O-kay. Not my doing. After she came back in with the batch of cleaned off bodywashes, gave them to me to put out. Eh, I think, I think I'll wait until I get to the perfume and am wearing gloves for this, I can't trust they're cleaned off well enough. As I said earlier, mistake that I even mentioned it to her, bosses sometimes go too far with how they do things. This is a hair and body cleaning product, granted maybe no pesticide got inside, but I wouldn't want to take my chances, I guess I'm just paranoid, didn't help that I had vertigo years ago and since have a fear of most chemicals, especially ones made to kill. This goes to show, never know what you are buying, what its been exposed to before you get it.

It still amazes me how pesticide happy so many people are, back when I worked as a cashier at my last job in North Carolina one time one of the stock guys was up front and a wasp came in and started flying around him, he freaked and grabbed bug spray and started spraying it everywhere in the air, and get this, the only person that moved away was me. But did he get the wasp, nope, it flew away somewhere. Only thing he got was himself standing amidst the vapor cloud and any other people, working and customers nearby oblivious to the toxicity they were inhaling. Another time while working there I was put on a register closer to the service desk and suddenly one of the ladies started spraying the air without giving me a warning, just over one lousy fly, I moved quickly but got a large gulp of the air, started coughing and wheezing right away. Went to the restroom to wash my face and eyes and still coughing up what I inhaled, even rinsed my hair. My eyes were all red and messed up the rest of the night, and made sure to give her dirty looks for trying to kill me because I didn't get any apologies or anything. I always tell people, there are other poisonous things that aren't quite as deadly that could be used, spray with any strong household cleaner, it'll do the job pretty well too because insects unlike us rely on breathing through pores along their body, those get blocked and they'll eventually suffocate.

Not much else noteworthy happened today, crazy customers as it picked up after lunch time, I couldn't wait to get out of there. After work I picked up a few things we needed (aluminum foil, some pans so I can make pork chops or chicken in the oven later, another pair of gloves for work since mine had holes now in almost all of the fingertips) with the last little bit of money I had, got less than a dollar left to me until Friday. Got home, showered, grabbed my thawing bowl of fruit out of the fridge that I didn't have time to eat for breakfast (my dog is such a pain in the morning, takes too long with doing her business outside), sat down and ate that while answering messages here. Took dog out, played with her for a little bit, sat down, turned on Berryz Koubou playlist on Youtube (I hadn't listened to any music at all for over a week, so its good that I am, fun stuff to listen to keeps me feeling good even when not), typed up this entry.

My apartment complex is renovating the building exteriors, they just started our building today, will probably be at it for a week and a half or two. New siding, as well as replacing any old rotted wood underneath and any balconies that are lopsided, what this means, next year we probably won't be able to afford living here anymore, at least the minimum wage will have gone up by then, not that it'll do much good. At least they're finally doing something, place was starting to really look run down. Hope they fill in that big gap at ground level, I'm sure once the siding is off it'll be easily seen and into our apartment. Oh, added note, there were two guys on our porch this afternoon, Snickers wasn't too comfortable with that, she barked at them and I saw they one of them was trying to say something to me, so I opened the sliding glass door to hear what he was saying, he asked if my dog was going to go Cujo on him and break through the glass. Hahaha.  :laugh: Good one. This little thing, nah, just protecting her home and me.

Oh, suddenly remember, last week my mom hollers out to me, Meg, what is this! Looks like a worm! I come out from the kitchen where I was and into the living room and see this dark slim long thing crawling across the carpet. I get down close to examine it, huh? Looks like a really large millipede. I watched it appearing to crawl slowly along in a wide 'S' path, still can't tell really what it is. I was trying to see if it had legs or antennae, the body looks segmented but couldn't tell because it didn't sit still and was so slim, and only like maybe two of my fingers long (5-6 inches perhaps at most). Then I blocked it with my hand to keep it from getting away, and the way it curled up my mom said Meg, I think that's a snake! Watch out, in case it tries to bite you. Yeah, now I see it, the scales and the small tapering triangular head. It was trying to get away from my hand and crawl down into the carpet threads. I told my mom to get me a tall glass so I can capture it and bring it outside because it was squirming around a lot now. She comes back with a small glass. Oh, come on mom, a large glass! They're all dirty. Uh, I don't think the snake is going to care if its not washed. Too late, it escaped my clutches, I lost sight of it in our too dim apartment lighting, lost within the meadow of carpet threads. Never did see it again, maybe it found its way out via that crack running along the edge of our floor to the outside or perhaps it'll feed itself off of whatever ants we have, and a later time we see it, it'll have grown big enough to eat us!  :o Oh noes! Hahaha  :D

If anyone can tell from reading this post, I'm feeling okay today. This is where friends play a big part in my life, thank you.  :)

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Shantel

Quote from: Megan Joanne on June 24, 2014, 07:18:38 PM


If anyone can tell from reading this post, I'm feeling okay today. This is where friends play a big part in my life, thank you.  :)

That's good news hon! Thought you were going to end up telling us that this day had really bugged you!  :D ;D :laugh:
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Megan Joanne

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Evelyn K

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HoneyStrums

If that thing gets big enough to eat you, take a pic and post it. :)
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Megan Joanne

Somehow I got the wrong picture with that, uh, yeah, that 'thing' getting big enough to eat me. Oh no! Please stop growing! I go to cut it off, but then its like the size of a sandworm from Dune, turns on me and eats me. Whew, what an erotic nightmare.
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HoneyStrums

Quote from: Megan Joanne on June 25, 2014, 12:42:11 AM
Somehow I got the wrong picture with that, uh, yeah, that 'thing' getting big enough to eat me. Oh no! Please stop growing! I go to cut it off, but then its like the size of a sandworm from Dune, turns on me and eats me. Whew, what an erotic nightmare.

oh :/ you know im going to look for instances I type the word thing now, AND clarify what thing the thing is. because even I refer to that thing as that thing now. I didn't click the suggestion the term that thing can inspire hwere. sorry for that, my bad.

so yes. that you know what I actually ment right? the escape artist that got lost in your carpet?
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Megan Joanne

I was just messing with you.  ;) See, feeling playful, this is the real me, not that angry, sad silhouette that sometimes appears and turns my day to darkness.
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Shantel

Quote from: Megan Joanne on June 25, 2014, 01:20:40 AM
I was just messing with you.  ;) See, feeling playful, this is the real me, not that angry, sad silhouette that sometimes appears and turns my day to darkness.

:) :eusa_clap:
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Megan Joanne

Well, I made it to work just before it started to rain heavily this morning, 10 minutes later and I would have looked and felt like a sponge. Yeah, I kind of jumped past the whole getting up and getting ready, but nothing different our interesting there.

Worked out various departments today, just trying to cut down on everything as much as possible in the back to prepare for inventory on Friday. Nothing exciting worth talking about. Oh, wait, very end of the day, 15 minutes left before its time for me to leave, old lady, a frequent customer, pops her head into receiving and asks me if the boss lady is in. No, she's not here today. Then she asks me if we had any full cases of the large laundry detergent back there. I take a quick look, yeah, 8 cases (8 things of detergent in each). Okay, we'll take 4 of them. Then I see her husband. Ugh, I hate that old bastard. So I load up a u-boat with the 4 cases and bring them up front where they waited by the register to check out. They also bought a ton of toothpaste. I take it they are resellers, by the stuff cheap then jack up the price elsewhere. After finishing check out, the husband leads me out to their vehicle, opens the truck area and tells me to put them in stacked 2 high side by side. Giving out orders to me as usual. I tell him, give me a moment, this isn't easy for me. So I struggle to lift and put them each into the back, while he just stands there watching. Once I get them all in the wife comes up and thanks me. No problem. I wheel the u-boat back inside, time to get the hell out of here.

I get to receiving and the old boss man is back there loading or unload a u-boat, I say to him how much I hate that old bastard (he don't like the guy either), he's so damn arrogant, comes in here all the time and every time, always barking out what he wants expecting full service like he's someone important (so they know my boss lady by name, so what), and here I was struggling and he didn't even think to help (far from a gentleman, should have at least helped), nope (never does), just told me what he wanted me to do and stood there. What kind of man, I don't care that its my job, stands there making a girl do all the work, heavy lifting (those cases weigh a third of my weight) that he's fully capable of doing himself (he's gotta unload it later after all, but then again, probably has someone waiting to do it for him then too). No, he's obviously used to people waiting on him hand and foot. He's the kind that if you didn't satisfy his needs he'd probably go out of his way to get you fired. Urgh, I so much wanted to say something to that lazy rich ->-bleeped-<-, but as suck ass as my job is, I need it. After that brief venting I shrugged it off and got the heck out of there. I'm free! So, have the day off tomorrow, don't know yet what I'm going to do with it, then back on Friday for truck unload after inventory has been completed.

Got home, guys were tearing apart the balcony above us as well as part of our porch, so much wood rot underneath the old weather worn siding. I could hear Snickers barking her head off inside before I was even 50 feet from the apartment (she's got a nice loud bark). Yep, she's going crazy not understanding who these men are on our patio and all that banging, thinking they are trying to invade, protecting her home. Good girl. But, hey, hey, calm down, that's enough barking, see, they're okay, not going to hurt us, just doing their job. Took a shower, got into a dress, made a tomato sandwich (all out of meat, but that's fine, it still tasted good), got on the internet to relist my cross-stitches since none of them sold. Listed 10 of them out of the 40 I had up before, then with the next one noticed how they tried to sneak in some relisting fees, oh no you don't. So I had to stop. Okay, so the limit is 50 per month, well, that sucks. Going to have to find another way to do this. Tried Etsy lst year, 3 month listings but fees up front, I wasted money last time, not doing that again. Ugh. Sigh. Dog still barking without a breath. Okay, that's enough, lets go take a walk, we forgot to throw the trash out this morning, but only a short walk, too damn hot out there. Played with her for a short bit bouncing balls around the room then sat down to the internet, listening to music, typing this message, and uploading my photos again, all the ones I deleted the other day when I lost my head. Yeah, makes a lot sense, giving myself more work like that. Sometimes I think its needed though, gives me a fresh start.
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Shantel

Pretty good rant Megan, I don't blame you. Strange how a man would stand there and let a woman break her back loading heavy stuff like that! What an ass huh?

Long before I ever transitioned I was selling construction supplies and sold 40 sixty pound bags of concrete mix to a guy half my age and twice as big and muscular. He stood there and watched as I loaded the first five bags, finally I blew up at him and said, "You bought this sh*t but if you're going to just stand there like a jackass and watch me load it then lets go back inside and I'll refund your money!" I left him outside loading the rest by himself. That kind of stuff is infuriating! :icon_ballbounce:
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Megan Joanne

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Megan Joanne

Ugh. Awoke around 9 this morning to my dog barking, and soon lots of pounding on the walls outside, the guys have started working. Also, heartburn, really, really bad. Took something for it, it made it worst. Ate some Cheerios by themselves, still no good. Drank down a whole bottle of water, still there. Feel really nervous this morning too. I hate this feeling, throat feels like I have vomit in it, chest has both a burning and cold sensation, terrible. Could be the rocky road ice cream I had last night, possibly too much chocolate? Probably went to sleep too early after eating it. I hope it goes away soon, as bad as it is right now its a uneasy feeling. Gives me anxiety. Wonder if a bowl of fruit will make it worst or better?

My dog is on a rampage from the guys on our porch and near our door banging, ripping siding off.
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Shantel

Quote from: Megan Joanne on June 26, 2014, 10:24:24 AM
Ugh. Awoke around 9 this morning to my dog barking, and soon lots of pounding on the walls outside, the guys have started working. Also, heartburn, really, really bad. Took something for it, it made it worst. Ate some Cheerios by themselves, still no good. Drank down a whole bottle of water, still there. Feel really nervous this morning too. I hate this feeling, throat feels like I have vomit in it, chest has both a burning and cold sensation, terrible. Could be the rocky road ice cream I had last night, possibly too much chocolate? Probably went to sleep too early after eating it. I hope it goes away soon, as bad as it is right now its a uneasy feeling. Gives me anxiety. Wonder if a bowl of fruit will make it worst or better?

My dog is on a rampage from the guys on our porch and near our door banging, ripping siding off.

Chocolate? Never! Take a Prilosec it will go away fast.
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Eris

I went for a consultation and test to see whether laser is suitable for me.
Given my black hair and pale skin it looks promising, stung a bit though XD
I refuse to live in fear! Come hell or high water I will not back down! I will live my life!
But you have no life.
Ha. Even that won't stop me.

I will protect even those I hate, so long as it is right.



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the old mare

lets see, I took out the gas solenoid valve from the rv and piped it straight to avoid more problems, I hooked up the water pump on it and pressurized the lines, then cleaned the water heater gas burner, tested it, fixed a bad connection, tested it again to make sure it was fixed. Then took out the generator and moved the box for it to the center of the back porch and replaced a bad board on the back porch of the rv. Changed the oil in the generator and ran it for a while. Took the cover of the roof top ac and fixed the fan hitting the housing issue and then made sure all of it was working right. Now all that's left is a little brake work on it and fix the wires going to the level sensors for the black and gray water tanks. Then spray the underside of it with fluid film, but that last bit could be left til tomorrow.
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Shantel

Quote from: the old mare on June 26, 2014, 10:31:24 AM
lets see, I took out the gas solenoid valve from the rv and piped it straight to avoid more problems, I hooked up the water pump on it and pressurized the lines, then cleaned the water heater gas burner, tested it, fixed a bad connection, tested it again to make sure it was fixed. Then took out the generator and moved the box for it to the center of the back porch and replaced a bad board on the back porch of the rv. Changed the oil in the generator and ran it for a while. Took the cover of the roof top ac and fixed the fan hitting the housing issue and then made sure all of it was working right. Now all that's left is a little brake work on it and fix the wires going to the level sensors for the black and gray water tanks. Then spray the underside of it with fluid film, but that last bit could be left til tomorrow.

Sounds like an aggressive work load, don't chip a nail hon! Got your coveralls on?
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