i've given many intros but this should of been the intro that i should of given at the start, so here i go.
Hi i'm Brianna Terryal, i'm a genderqueer though i identify as female but do to so many other things, i'm choosing to slowly go through the process and evaluate where i stand each year and fully decide whether i want to go full time or not. how i found out i was trans. well, i had this ping since childhood but due to my environment and settings as well as tragedies, i lost that part of me. when i gained it back, it was through watching a series on trans in america. it started out as a fascination which i delved into for a little. it later evolved into an obsession as i started watch anime like sailor moon or magical girl shows. it further enhanced itself after i hit 14, when i entered high school. i was never like the rest of the males there and i tended to gravitate towards the female groups and activities. i even opted out of gym to take aerobics which was a female class only. i began to develop this since of out of placeness, and i even started cutting myself at this point just to deal with these evolving feelings. i always thought it was just an obsession and i'd grow out of it, but it only intensified and soon awakened my lost memories and a past that was locked away. i began to show signs of femininity thus why i always got called gay when clearly i wasnt interested in men at all. my speech patterns, posture, gestures, writing and my thoughts werent male at all and i kept getting hounded with the are you gay questions. so at this point my feminine expressions became a first nature response. what really did it was the fact i adamantly told my mother i want surgery and i want to become a girl, which of course she was confused and shocked. i later suppressed these feelings because i felt like i would never achieve these dreams and i'd die before they even resurface back, which they did and i tried to end my thoughts permanently but failed both times. because of the fails, i said screw it, i dont want this useless piece of flesh so i tried to cut it off multiple times. even to this day i struggle not to pick up scissors and just cut it off and be done with it. i said to myself back when it was just no more than a speck on my shoulder that i'd never end up trans and i even developed a bit of transphobia but as my feelings began to evolve and my locked away feelings emerged, i couldnt fight myself anymore. i become envious of those who are making there way to become themselves and be happy, i become depressed that i'm not so lucky, that no matter what i do, my mind and body are constantly at war and it leaving me weak and unable to breath let alone move. my dysphoria is stems from the fact that i may not be able to transition or i may have to go back into supression mode. i get dysphoric thinking about the fact i had the opportunity to explore my emerging feelings when i was younger and i did talk about it, i just never followed up. dreams are usually gate ways to the subconscious and unconscious mind and in all my dreams i'm a female in the first person. my dysphoria sored to deadly levels once i hit puberty a couple of years back. my development went into reverse so developed in opposite orders. when i found out my body might of starting masculinizing, i became panic, distressed............suicidal, but i didnt get much so that was a sigh of relief though i wish i wasnt so well endowed which really is sending me over the edge. i've been teetering between life and death but i feel hopeful as my appointments draw nearer, but i'm remaining hopeful because this will be my last ride. if all fails, my closet door will be concrete and steeled up, never to be opened again.