i'm an afab nonbinary recovering anorexic/bulimic having a really hard time with accepting weight gain. my eating disorder developed when i hit puberty super early, largely because i couldn't stand the dysphoria of the breasts and hips and period i didn't feel belonged. i've been weight restored for several months now, but i still can't cope sometimes.
when i was underweight, i could achieve androgyny fairly easily- i could get a flat chest with a good sports bra. i was even asked whether i was a boy or a girl. i rarely got my period, and didn't have to go through the resulting dysphoria.
i just can't pass for androgynous at a healthy weight and it's killing me. no matter how hard i work at it i'm always presumed a girl and it hurts. i know that a binder would help a lot, but i have a lot of trouble buying things for myself. i can't make myself feel like i deserve it and keep making up excuses not to go for it. it also seems kinda futile considering how feminine my filled in face is and the size of my hips/thighs/ass.
another fun thing- i period stained my boxers. all of this is really triggering and sometimes it feels like i'm one misgendering away from a relapse.
anyway, i know that eating disorders plague the trans community but it seems to me that it gets kinda swept under the rug in both the trans and recovery communities. although i know i'm far from the only one, i'm feeling very alone in this and could use some support.
i would also love if y'all (regardless of gender identity or asab) would share some of your own stories and experiences.

I think that's totally understandable. You found a solution, it wasn't that great, but... it still felt better than not having a solution, right?

Personally, I'm AMAB, and I've struggled with binging/purging/starving almost constantly ever since I was 10 or so. I had this brief period when I was 15 or 16 where I really, really wanted to get healthy and I did it. But the balance got upset and now it's as hard as it ever was again. I miss having that sheer willpower to do the right thing. I'm still binging one day and starving the next and purging when I feel really guilty and don't know what to do.

I don't really have the answer obviously... only that I think eventually you just have to internalize that while EDs might give you some kind of solution to your problem, in the long run, there are better ones out there. You just have to learn to trust that they will work. But, I know how hard it is, and how small your world can feel when you're suffering with urges. Just want to say I think it's really understandable that it would be so hard

That probably doesn't really help, but, just adding my experience here sorry

I know exactly what you're going through; I've been purging/starving for a very long time now, though it's gotten a lot better these past few years, ironically enough because I've really started to enjoy cooking (which still makes me feel horrible).  I'm still light, but when I was at my worst a few years ago, I actually passed for female better than I do now-my waist/hip ratio was so much more feminine, I'm sometimes tempted to relapse myself, if only to get my weight down just a little bit.  I don't know if I could, and that thought scares me even more. 

The key with something like this is to rationalize-you know it will do more harm than good in the long term, and there are better ways of treating dysphoria than starving yourself.  If you really feel this dysphoric, you might even want to consider taking a low dose of T-it sounds like you're in a lot of pain, and it's worth exploring anything that could help.  HRT helped me immensely-now at least weight isn't going to all of the "male" places, even though I've put on about fifteen since starting-it's scary for me, but I guess I'll live.  I wish you the best on your journey-and don't relapse.  You know better, I think we all do.  We have too.

Peroxide can life blood stains.i have used it a lot and it never failed.

Sorry you are having difficulties, hugs, and welcome to Susan's.

I went from 140 to 325 when I went into denial which started in my 3rd year of 5 in college. I would eat sawdust (I would actually buy it) and news paper and splurge 1 day per week for lunch if I follows my diet all week. Of coarse I ate a small meal at night in front of my parents and pretty much nothing else and I rode the exercise bike every day and walked. I look at the one picture I have when I was ematiated and shake my head. At the time I wanted to lose more weight. I was suicidal at the time too and really hated myself, my sexuality and my body. I as full of guilt and shame.

If I could have gone back in time and given myself one piece of advise I would have said get help. See a counsellor at school. Accept your gender and do something to get in control of who you are. Instead I ate and drank and drugged to feel numb.

If you can see a gender therapist it may help you sort out what you want to do.

I've struggled with anorexia, exercise addiction and purging. I've done some permanent damage to my body. Lately I've been doing well. I am finally transitioning and the need for the ED is decreasing. I think wIhen I get top surgery it might disappear completely. I always wanted that androgynous body. I hated my female body and that led me down the rabbit hole. All I can say is you are not alone.

Quote from: Cynthia Michelle on June 27, 2014, 02:02:11 PM
Peroxide can life blood stains.i have used it a lot and it never failed.

Sorry you are having difficulties, hugs, and welcome to Susan's.

I went from 140 to 325 when I went into denial which started in my 3rd year of 5 in college. I would eat sawdust (I would actually buy it) and news paper and splurge 1 day per week for lunch if I follows my diet all week. Of coarse I ate a small meal at night in front of my parents and pretty much nothing else and I rode the exercise bike every day and walked. I look at the one picture I have when I was ematiated and shake my head. At the time I wanted to lose more weight. I was suicidal at the time too and really hated myself, my sexuality and my body. I as full of guilt and shame.

If I could have gone back in time and given myself one piece of advise I would have said get help. See a counsellor at school. Accept your gender and do something to get in control of who you are. Instead I ate and drank and drugged to feel numb.

If you can see a gender therapist it may help you sort out what you want to do.

thanks for the tip on blood stains! i typically soak in cold water, but this time i didn't realize until the stain had totally set. i've been in recovery for a long time, and that's included a lot of professional treatment- however i'm in a kinda halfway house place that's providing (->-bleeped-<-ty) therapy, and it would be really hard to get around that and see an outside therapist for gender things. i haven't seen a gender therapist before, because i only actually came out a month and change ago. i might talk to the people in charge about seeking one out although i'm not about to get my hopes up

I've had a lot of friends with eating disorders, and what bothered me the most was how everybody acted like it was normal. When people did have concerns or were obviously suffering, it was either kept secret or drowned out by the praise that invariably follows weight loss in our culture.

I've never starved myself or thrown up, but I spent most of my life underweight. I was mostly-vegan since I was a teenager, and I can't eat when I'm nervous or sad, and I spent years commuting by bike and doing construction work, so it was hard to get enough calories. Even when I felt lightheaded and sick people would tell me how good I looked and how jealous they were. I am happy with how testosterone let me stop being skinny, but it still makes my skin crawl to think about how it was before. The perverse social valuation of thinness is something I wish I had less experience with.

I don't know what to say other than that you are definitely not alone.