I have just recently begun to accept myself at the age of 47 and have a long road ahead. I have been married for 14 years and have 3 great kids. The fear and guilt I feel is immense. Meeting with a therapist tomorrow. Wish me luck.

Good luck tomorrow!

Quote from: rfhaas on June 24, 2014, 02:32:15 AM
I have just recently begun to accept myself at the age of 47 and have a long road ahead. I have been married for 14 years and have 3 great kids. The fear and guilt I feel is immense. Meeting with a therapist tomorrow. Wish me luck.

rfhaas

Congratulations.  This is a very significant and very exciting step.  I suspect you will come out of the first session absolutely buzzing and warm with the knowledge that you have expressed yourself , recognise yourself and that you can move forward powerfully with your life.

This is a life changing experience and the first step on your journey.

I wish you well and look forward to hearing how the session goes.

Safe travels

Aisla

Thank you, I'm tearing up. I'm saloon happy I found this place.

Just be totally honest and open with the Therapist. They will ask some tough questions that are hard to answer. Don't feel ashamed or guilty about how you feel as there is nothing wrong with what you are doing. Don't be surprised if not a lot gets done though beside paperwork and medical history on the first session. They will look it over and do a pre evaluation with you. There was a personal trait test that I had to take so they can track progress week to week in such topics as socialization, mood changes, etc. Be patient as this is a long journey you are starting. Usually the second session is where things get going. 

rfhaas

It gets better and better.  There really are so many genuinely nice and generous folk on Susans that I cant think of any other forum or community that comes even close.

There are also some very experienced, savvy and wise folk - I think of them as guides, they meet us from time to time on  our path and cause us to pause, think, accelerate, change direction or to celebrate. 

One thing that I am fairly confident of, is that you will connect with some of the nicest and seriously impressive folk on this planet, and what is really neat, is that they really listen, empathise, and understand where you are coming from.   This is a very good thing.

Safe travels

Aisla

Thank you all for your support and encouragement. It was an emotional night for me, still"in" but more excited about coming out than ever.

I had a great day at the beach with my wife and kids, sister and niece too. I felt sad inside knowing that their opinion of me is going to change drastically in the next 3 to 6 months. I fear ridicule and rejection.  I don't think I can go on in this closet though, I fear I will destroy myself if I do. Therapist appt. In 15 hours, I hope she can give me hope.

Best of luck to you at your therapist appointment tomorrow.  As Jessica said, definitely be open and honest with her. 

I think I can safely say that every one of us has shared your fears at one time or another, I know I have (and still do)!

I wish you the best on your journey, just know that you're not alone. 

I have been on the verge of crying and a full blown panic attack since I woke up. I first identified myself as a girl in 3rd grade and have been suppressing it in various was for 40 years.  I believe that if I don't come out soon I will revert BA k to drugs. I really hope this therapist offers some hope.

Hang in there.  The first steps will provide enormous relief.  You are moving forward.  Thoughts are with you

Aisla

Thank you

Getting ready to walk into the therapists office. I feel like I'm heading up the incline on a huge rollercoaster.

I just left the therapists office with a good feeling. Still a gnawing fear of coming out to family but I surprised myself how easily I told her that I feel like a women and enjoy presenting myself in the female role. Long way to go but the journey has begun!

Quote from: rfhaas on June 25, 2014, 02:15:03 PM
Still a gnawing fear of coming out to family

All of us here have been there and most (not all) of the time we build it up bigger than it should be. I know I did. You sound like you are off to a good start!

Last night I had time to reflect on the therapists advice which was to slow down, take a breath.  I initially felt like she was trying to dissuade me. I woke up this morning happy that I haven't drop my secret on my wife like a ton of bricks. Advice please: I am starting to alter my. Behavior around my wife a little. Sitting when peeing, crossing legs, more feminine posturing in general. This plus I am more relaxed and less likely to get angry since my self acceptance.  Should I slowly increase these behaviors over the next few months without telling and hope she figures it out?

I'm not MTF, but my personal advice is not to see if she 'figures it out' because more than likely she won't. You changing your behaviour will, of course, be noticeable to her and she may ask you what is going on though. I'm FTM and although I've always been butch/masculine (whatever you want to call it) I have cut my hair and worn more masculine things of late and I'm expressing myself more authentically in my house - has my mother noticed anything? No, in fact she is oblivious. It is also, in my opinion, not fair to 'let them work it out' either. Not having a go by the way, just saying. 

You've been with her a while etc so out of respect it is probably best to just let her know (if and when you are ready) also, if you let her know you will have a weight of your shoulders and then the ball will be in her court really on how best to respond to what you tell her and then you two can hopefully talk it out and come to a solution.

It's nice that you are more relaxed though, amazing what therapy/self acceptance/coming out can do to someone

For me I've found that every little step I've taken on this journey so far is the more free and happy I feel and each time I move forward I don't want to take any steps back but I don't want to do anything drastic until I figure out the right timing to come out because the reaction could be worse than if I had done it the right way.

I know you're excited, as we all are, but don't (and I'm sure you won't) forget about your family etc. As in, once you come out, give them time to embrace this. And prior to that be prepared for any reactions they will have, good or bad.

All the best with everything 

I am still out only to my therapist but I have been a little obsessed about transitioning. Last night I had my most vivid dream ever where I was fully a women. I woke up with mixed feelings lying besides my wife. As I am accepting myself more and becoming much more relaxed I can tell she knows something pretty big is up with me. I'm not sure I can turn the masculinity back on. I'm kinda freaked. After I get off work tonight I am meeting her at a charity comedy show. I won't come out tonight as I am following my therapists lead. Should I say ANYTHING? 

I guess there isn't any way to gauge reaction from her, when you have the talk.  Even if she is totally loving.. I guess -especially- if she is totally loving you, it will come very hard to her, very hard to accept.  Mine cried for months, made it completely clear that my journey will be alone the whole time.  You have been feeling this way for years, it is something she never saw coming.  My wife's doctor, who she went to go get her Xanax from, told her, this won't be something that hits you between the eyes, it's something that runs you over from behind.

She will feel lied to, betrayed, conned, duped, every adjective you can think of, she will feel, she will say.  idk if you can pin the abuse on being transgendered, as a way you were coping, your therapist might tho.  I was abused by a relative, at a young age. My wife thinks that is why I am this way, as a means of coping, hiding, pretending I'm not a boy to avoid being abused again (no it can't happen anymore).  Be prepared for a real storm, a backlash when she finds out, either by hints, mannerisms(which she would probably miss, mine did), or you just telling her.    Your therapist should have some advice how to bring her in to your circle. Kids too..  There is no question they will need therapy to learn to cope with this, just as you are.

Who was it... Bette Davis that said "brace yer selves.... it's gonna be a bumpy night"? 

Or I could be all wet, and she'll be totally supportive.  That is my hope and prayer for you.

I didn't tell my wife about the therapist last night, I was exhausted from work and it didn't feel right. I am thinking that I should wait until I see the therapist again, she told me to take it slow. I am caught between wanting to get this over with and making sure that I do it right. I was only going to tell my wife that I was seeing a therapist, not the reason. I figured it would be a first step.

After work last night at the comedy club, I had a lot of different thoughts. I spent a lot of time imagining how I want to present myself when "out" and looked at the women in the audience for ideas. I have a name that I have always wanted, Sarah, and while I feel like very much like a women inside, I have confusion about how to present. I believe I want to be casual, not flamboyant. I see MTF in the media and they are always so over the top. That's not me, I am just a normal girl inside and I want to be one entirely. When I dress up now, (alone) I feel both excited and relaxed. Since I started this journey to being out and hopefully transitioning I have felt mostly profound inner peace, but I do have periods of doubt. You ladies have been telling me it was going to be a rough road, I just pray I can keep to the path. Fear of rejection hits me at times and I ask myself what I am doing. How many of us have wished for a time machine? If I could only go back and do this before I built such a complicated closet.