Hi everyone, i am Sebastian and this is my first post.
First of all i want to say sorry for my horrid english since it is not my first language.
I identify myself as a trans guy and i am on the edge of coming out.
The main reason i write this is for the fact that the therapist i have seen already has made the connexion about it being related with the fact that i was sexually abused in my childhood.
Unfortanely here in my country we don't have gender therapists so...

I started thinking that i was lesbian at first, then that i was a tomboy and when i had 15 years old i started thinking about that i was a guy, i felt like it and i started feeling uncomfortable being called a lady, girl or she. I tried to fit though. I knew that there was something different about me and i was so insecure that i started to use make up, to dress in a more feminine way, needless to say that i didn't feel like myself and felt uncomfortable. My mom has always been that kind of person that wanted me to be "pretty" and "femenine" she controlled my looks for a long time and to be honest i didn't care that much as a child because i wasn't paying that much attention to gender issues, i just was... me.
I played with dolls, video games, pokemon and yugioh stuff, got muddy by playing with frogs and such.
I don't like to think that the toys i used had anything to do with me being trans since i really hate stereotypes.
It is funny how i have always admire other man, like, all my life i have admiring the looks of other guys, wanting to be like them, feeling envy.
I don't remember wanting to be like a woman. I think that as a child i experimented, but i don't remember having cross-dressed.
When i imagine myself at an old age and being seen as a woman i feel depressed. I am asexual so that of having a penis is not something that really matters to me, i am not less a man for not having it but i understand that there are other guys to whom it is really important. If that i would prefer not having any sexual organs, i don't care for them. My body is very masculine in all means, so i get really upset when somebody calls me with feminine pronouns, seeing how i dress and how masculine i look. Entering the woman's bathroom is an horrid experience and i always look at the men's bathroom with sadness wanting to go there but feeling insecure.

I remember having a dream in where i had a man's body, and all people where seeing me as such, and the happiness i was feeling was so beautiful i thought i was going to cry.

The thing is that even if i haven't identify myself as trans since my childhood i have never actually been ok with the gender other people sees me as.
I know that  with my parents there is going to be a lot of problems because my father is that kind of person that have always called me "princess" and ugh i even told him once to stop calling me like that.
And my mom is... Well... The person that has always wanted me to be feminine, and apart from that is the fact that they are To link me being trans with the abuse and i don't know where i am going to find help with all of this. I just feel so repressed.
It does not help that they both are transphobic and homophobic even if they don't show it that much.
Thank you all beforehand

Have you ever thought about moving to another country or somewhere you can be yourself? I know it's hard, but you should try at least...

A big warm welcome to the family Sebastian! I am so glad you have joined us and I hope we help you on your journey. Just know you are not alone and can use us for support any time you need to. One does not have to feel wrong since childhood to be trans. That is some kind of old wives tale so put no stock in it what so ever. Many people grow up knowing something is wrong, but don't know what. Take me for example. I knew from age 7 I should have been born female. I just didn't really understand why. I was a career Paramedic and had never heard of Gender Dysphoria or knew one could transition. That is how far behind society is of understanding us as it was just no taught to us at all. Even though I knew I should have been born female I could not put it in words and had no one to talk to about it. I think you knew back then, but like me could not put a name to the feelings you were having. Don't let that hold you back in any way.

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It can be used as a derailing or silencing tactic, to bring up past sexual trauma. But it is an important and valid question to ask.

I've always been a little weird with gender but I got zealous and very distressed after a sexual assault. When I worked through that trauma, I found that my desire to be perceived as male was less desperate and decreased quite a bit for a while. My advice would be to work on your trauma (Resurrection After Rape is an...okay book), and if you're still needing to live your life as a man, then transition.

Sebasian, I don't know what country you are from, but consider looking for a therapist from your c ountry on www.wpath.org. Tlhey are experienced, trained therapists. Even if the person does not live close to you, they may be able to give you the name of a qualified, supportive therapist in the area.

Sexual assault trauma can complicate a person's feelings about their gender identity, but there's no evidence that it has ever caused anyone to become transgender. That's a crazy idea, a straw that people grasp at when they are confused as to how to react.

I don't know what to say other than good luck. You have to deal with your abuse history in addition to your gender identity, and it sounds like your local culture and family might not be very helpful. People online, on this site and others, might be your best resource for information and support. Don't be afraid to ask questions, and be as aggressive as you need to be in seeking healthcare and meeting other needs.

And welcome to Susan's, of course.

Hi Sebastian and wellcome.
Don't worry about your english, many people Have English as there second or third languarge.

I also live in a country with no gender therapist, its frustrating but what I can say is you learn to find alternatives. The best way is to seach advice for other trans people in your country/area, if that is totally imposible then its best to seach advice for someone living in countrys which are as simular to your own as posible.
I don't know where you are from, but depending on it I, may/may not be able to help you with that.

for the sexual asult part I dont know what to advice. I know in some countrys sexuality means alot
exemple when you ask for permission to get homones and be valued as "trans" and people with the "wrong sexual background can be refused or have difficulties to gain permission. in these caise its best to keep things seperated so the place you talk about trans stuff is not the same place you talk about sexual asult.